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Post by tnr9 on Oct 31, 2018 16:20:14 GMT
I was thinking back over decades of my time in therapy and I recall how my therapist wanted me to focus on me while all I wanted to focus on was how to win, keep, get back the latest romantic interest. Literally I spend thousands of dollars trying to change me so that I could be "enough" for "him". I pondered this further and realized that I was often told that I was "selfish" as a child...and as such...I developed this innate desire to please the other person so that I would be ok. This approach to self esteem...if I love, care, respect, admire you enough...then you will feel loved and then want to give those same traits back to me, formed the basis of so many of my relationships. They were transactional at best...and because tgey were based on this model...I had to keep giving and giving, accommodating and accommodating and truly lost touch with my own needs.Does this resonate with anyone else?
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Post by epicgum on Oct 31, 2018 19:24:51 GMT
My experience is that even if you succeeded in molding yourself into the form that would "win" you the acceptance and love that you crave (from B or whoever), over time the effort of maintaining this performance and quashing your own faults and desires would have manifested itself in a deep, barely concealable rage.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 31, 2018 21:29:18 GMT
I was thinking back over decades of my time in therapy and I recall how my therapist wanted me to focus on me while all I wanted to focus on was how to win, keep, get back the latest romantic interest. Literally I spend thousands of dollars trying to change me so that I could be "enough" for "him". I pondered this further and realized that I was often told that I was "selfish" as a child...and as such...I developed this innate desire to please the other person so that I would be ok. This approach to self esteem...if I love, care, respect, admire you enough...then you will feel loved and then want to give those same traits back to me, formed the basis of so many of my relationships. They were transactional at best...and because tgey were based on this model...I had to keep giving and giving, accommodating and accommodating and truly lost touch with my own needs.Does this resonate with anyone else? Yep, my mom used to tell my brother and me that we were selfish. More than being told I was selfish though, I think it’s the withholding of love that makes the AP always searching for it. “The Love Addict” I’ve read before that AP develops more from what was lacking in upbringing and avoidant from what they were exposed to...I know with me it was a lack. I always thought of myself as naturally sensitive, fearful and anxious...now I’m not sure if those were my inherent traits at birth or traits that manifested in me at a very young age as a toddler. I just know those traits go back to the crib. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2018 21:45:44 GMT
I was thinking back over decades of my time in therapy and I recall how my therapist wanted me to focus on me while all I wanted to focus on was how to win, keep, get back the latest romantic interest. Literally I spend thousands of dollars trying to change me so that I could be "enough" for "him". I pondered this further and realized that I was often told that I was "selfish" as a child...and as such...I developed this innate desire to please the other person so that I would be ok. This approach to self esteem...if I love, care, respect, admire you enough...then you will feel loved and then want to give those same traits back to me, formed the basis of so many of my relationships. They were transactional at best...and because tgey were based on this model...I had to keep giving and giving, accommodating and accommodating and truly lost touch with my own needs.Does this resonate with anyone else? I think I do this too but in a very subconscious, avoidant way. I don't recognize that I have needs and I like to avoid conflict, so I subconsciously sublimate any needs I have. The thing for me though is I don't realize I am doing it, so I guess it's less a feeling of accommodating someone. But over time, I get weary and have built up anger and I don't know why. I retreat, close up and I don't know why. I just drift further and further away from the person and they don't know why. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2018 23:18:08 GMT
I was thinking back over decades of my time in therapy and I recall how my therapist wanted me to focus on me while all I wanted to focus on was how to win, keep, get back the latest romantic interest. Literally I spend thousands of dollars trying to change me so that I could be "enough" for "him". I pondered this further and realized that I was often told that I was "selfish" as a child...and as such...I developed this innate desire to please the other person so that I would be ok. This approach to self esteem...if I love, care, respect, admire you enough...then you will feel loved and then want to give those same traits back to me, formed the basis of so many of my relationships. They were transactional at best...and because tgey were based on this model...I had to keep giving and giving, accommodating and accommodating and truly lost touch with my own needs.Does this resonate with anyone else? I think I do this too but in a very subconscious, avoidant way. I don't recognize that I have needs and I like to avoid conflict, so I subconsciously sublimate any needs I have. The thing for me though is I don't realize I am doing it, so I guess it's less a feeling of accommodating someone. But over time, I get weary and have built up anger and I don't know why. I retreat, close up and I don't know why. I just drift further and further away from the person and they don't know why. @mary, how do you come to understand in hindsight what the needs were that were not met in you or the boundaries that may have been breached? |
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Post by mrob on Nov 1, 2018 0:44:09 GMT
That’s my experience too, @mary.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 14:03:09 GMT
I think I do this too but in a very subconscious, avoidant way. I don't recognize that I have needs and I like to avoid conflict, so I subconsciously sublimate any needs I have. The thing for me though is I don't realize I am doing it, so I guess it's less a feeling of accommodating someone. But over time, I get weary and have built up anger and I don't know why. I retreat, close up and I don't know why. I just drift further and further away from the person and they don't know why. @mary , how do you come to understand in hindsight what the needs were that were not met in you or the boundaries that may have been breached? When I was younger, I had no clue what was going on. I just didn't "like" the person anymore. Now I am more aware and the anger surfaces more. I have been working on figuring out why I am angry and then letting the other person know what is bothering me. The problem is, it may surface a day later, a week later or months later. Sometimes, it is way too late and it has built up and I resort to retreating again. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 1, 2018 15:20:54 GMT
@mary , how do you come to understand in hindsight what the needs were that were not met in you or the boundaries that may have been breached? When I was younger, I had no clue what was going on. I just didn't "like" the person anymore. Now I am more aware and the anger surfaces more. I have been working on figuring out why I am angry and then letting the other person know what is bothering me. The problem is, it may surface a day later, a week later or months later. Sometimes, it is way too late and it has built up and I resort to retreating again. Yeah, I can relate to that. You can't really understand/feel/express anger, so instead you just run away. |
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