Post by da4life on Dec 18, 2018 2:39:14 GMT
I'd like to hear from those with experience (especially FAs) on what I should do (or not do) about my recent and abrupt breakup with an FA ex-gf who ended things and has gone completely silent afterwards. I'm relatively new to attachment theory but once I discovered it made some very important revelations both about myself and some actions by my ex I had never seen before and I found to be extremely confusing, both pre and post breakup.
Me: Earned secure, former DA or at least possessed many of the same traits but very self-aware of them.
Past: Two years ago I re-connected with an acquaintance from high school who by coincidence happened to be living in the same city as me. She was very recently out of a 5 year live-in relationship with a guy (knew him from HS as well but we we'rent friends.) We had never been close friends before but we quickly connected and developed a strong friendship based on mutual respect and shared interests. I had no other intentions other than friendship and didn't really see her in the context of potential relationship and she expressed feeling the same (at least she said.) At this point I had very little interest in finding a serious relationship with anyone not just her, but great period of time in my life with career going well, great friends, and overall sense of happiness and security from confidence earned the hard way. Fast-forward a couple months, we're spending a lot of time together and a romantic relationship forms that seems to surprise both of us. I was hesitant to get into a relationship period during this time, but we dated exclusively for 9-10 months and it was amazing and fulfilling and felt like for all the right reasons. Including: Great communication, honesty, shared interests, lack of conflict, amazing sex, partnership, and overall friendship. From the very beginning I had very genuinely expressed to her that I was slightly concerned with the fact that she had just gotten out of such a serious relationship and (unrelated) that I knew what a serious relationship entails on an emotional level (having been in a 5 year relationship with AP that ended a couple years prior) but I have some issues with intimacy that may hinder my ability to fully commit myself at this time. She assured me that the reality is her emotional attachment in her serious relationship ended well before the actual relationship and that she was having fun with me and held no expectations and saw no reason to not go further. She came from a hard childhood and was open about being abandoned by her father, but came across as an incredible communicator who was very self-aware & self-assured, understanding of me in all situations, charismatic but still easy-going and low-maintenance at the same time. I loved how secure she seemed to be and how hard she had worked and continues to on a daily basis to be the best person she could be.
Looking back there were a few red flags I can identify now, I saw them at the time and found them odd and didn't fit into her narrative so I wouldn't say I missed them but rather I downplayed their importance:
While I found a few of these things weird and that they stuck out because didn't fit the person who I came to know, I never had major issue with any of them and handled all very easily and with great communication without pushing her too hard to dive deeper into the root cause. Over time, she pressed me a couple times to define what I wanted and where it was going (in a very reasonable and appropriate way,) I was always willing to discuss and communicate about this subject honestly and openly but was very consistent in telling her that I didn't think I was capable of a higher level of intimacy at this point because of my own issues. Ultimately it officially ended with her consciously making the decision that she wanted more, me saying I couldn't give that right now, and her breaking up after extensive and clear communication. I felt extremely sad about it ending but was understanding of her seemingly reasonable needs and didn't want to hold her back from having them met. She pushed attempting to remain friends which I happily agreed to because I gladly would have continued on indefinitely and loved the relationship we had, of course we continued to sleep together and maintain more of "friendship" but the physical aspect was always her pushing and asking for (I was a very willing party here and no problem initiating but wanted to be respectful of her so always let her set terms of this.) This continued on for the next year and a half seeing each other on/off interrupted by her telling me she had to stop because it was holding her back from what she wanted, each time I was sad but understanding and let her respectfully without chasing. She would always be the one to circle back and want to see me and I never said no because I loved spending time together and was always genuinely happy to see and hear from her.
Reconciliation: 6 months ago, I went through a very trying time with my career that broke me down mentally after a period of throwing myself into work and temporarily even further repressing my emotions. Ultimately everything worked out fantastically and I always knew it would and the situation was temporary, but it opened up a deep part of my emotional consciousness that allowed me to really feel things both good and bad. I leaned into these feelings and for whatever reason decided it was a good time to work on my relationship issues at the same time. It armed me with a much improved ability to feel, understand, and express my emotions and seemed to unblock the feelings and desire for her I always knew were there. Also dug into attachment styles and what mine is to better understand / work on. I finally came to her to express my desire to commit and take things to the next level and that I was ready. I had already anticipated going through a period of time where I would have to prove myself and level of commitment to her and was ready to do so, but holy sh*t what came after I never could have expected.....Admittedly she had been going through a difficult time herself with work, but the second I approached her about going to the next level I saw a completely different side of her:
Early during this period she on I realized what was going on with her and discovered what "FA" was and it gave me the ability to not take things personally when in normal dating scenario I would have walked easily as clear violations of my boundaries, so I hung in there for 6 months and we made serious progress. Outside of pretty frequent episodes and sabotage behavior from her it felt like we got really close to getting over the hurdle, the intimacy increased 100 fold, and the sabotage became less frequent and intense. I truly was excited to be in a committed relationship, and specifically with her and had no interests outside of her. At some points she would open up to me when things were good and I wasn't pushing for answers to tell me of her fear that I was going to abandon her, and I got the sense of an incredible sense of guilt she had for things she had put me through recently that I knew deep down she was self-aware enough to be cognizant of.
Breakup: She recently went on a planned 25 day trip to Bali by herself for personal growth/healing she expressed that she needed, I was very supportive of this understanding the need to be alone and the topic of me joining her at some point came up. I expressed my willingness to do so and genuinely wanted to but at the same time didn't push the issue or NEED to join without her explicitly asking me to. Two days before the trip came out we spent normal evening at her place and she brought the topic up, saying she needs to go by herself which is why she hadn't brought it up. I said I'm a little sad about it but not upset with her at all because I truly understand and I'll be here for her when she gets back, she cycles through some irrational thoughts that made zero sense again but I stand in there and maintain my vulnerability and eventually we end convo in positive way and she comes over to me for a hug and passionate kiss. The next day she texts me saying she wants to talk about the trip and I respond that its too late and I agree she should go on her own but its ok (admittedly terrible communication on my end btw) I was truly willing to discuss in person and still go if it felt right but she freaked out about my response and denied me an in-person convo completely, asked me to leave her belongings outside her door, etc. At this point my ability to communicate had broken down as well after so much frustration and I couldn't find the ability to soothe her, text convo escalates and later that night she says "I know you've never been in a real relationship before, but I can tell you this is as done as two people get I'm blocking and moving on" and then proceeds to block me on absolutely everything: phone, text, gchat, social media, everything imaginable including forms we never even use. Of course my immediate reaction is anger and major upset, but I realize I need to give her space for the time being. After a few days I'm able to let it subside after recognizing that her behavior is not malicious, its an attempt to regain her sense of safety/security and I shouldn't take it personally.
I stop reaching out and give her NC, only interruption is me sending a text checking in to see if she's ok / safe towards the end of her trip from a different #. No reponse. After she gets back of course I have strong desire to connect in positive way, a couple weeks ago I send her a very positive & loving email expressing that I apologize for my mistakes and recognize what she's going through and everything I love about her still without asking for a response or making any demands. No response. Couple days later she sends me text at midnight on a Tuesday: "Fuck. Off" I'm barely able to think of response and she calls me telling me not to contact her via text / phone / email etc then hangs up on me, I call back and ask if she's ok and she says "Yep" then hangs up again. I stop reaching out. 30 minutes later she calls back in completely different and kinder tone, tells me she misses me, wishes I was there with her but bad idea, thanks me for checking on her during her trip, tells me how amazing her trip was and how she's still glowing (I'm sure it was, but still sense false air about her description.) End amicably with "goodnight." Haven't heard from her since.
HELP! What do I do? Do I do anything? I truly want her to be happy/healthy and give her what she needs even if that means space or for this relationship to be over, I feel that I have a good sense of what's going on with her but I'm torn between continuing to stand in and overcome the barriers she's putting up to express that I'm still there for her as she works through her issues or if I should just drop things completely. I care for her very much and can see all the amazing qualities she has and I'm willing to put in the effort when not crossing my boundaries, I'm not angry with her but honestly the way things were left is still causing me major grief. Input welcome!
Me: Earned secure, former DA or at least possessed many of the same traits but very self-aware of them.
Past: Two years ago I re-connected with an acquaintance from high school who by coincidence happened to be living in the same city as me. She was very recently out of a 5 year live-in relationship with a guy (knew him from HS as well but we we'rent friends.) We had never been close friends before but we quickly connected and developed a strong friendship based on mutual respect and shared interests. I had no other intentions other than friendship and didn't really see her in the context of potential relationship and she expressed feeling the same (at least she said.) At this point I had very little interest in finding a serious relationship with anyone not just her, but great period of time in my life with career going well, great friends, and overall sense of happiness and security from confidence earned the hard way. Fast-forward a couple months, we're spending a lot of time together and a romantic relationship forms that seems to surprise both of us. I was hesitant to get into a relationship period during this time, but we dated exclusively for 9-10 months and it was amazing and fulfilling and felt like for all the right reasons. Including: Great communication, honesty, shared interests, lack of conflict, amazing sex, partnership, and overall friendship. From the very beginning I had very genuinely expressed to her that I was slightly concerned with the fact that she had just gotten out of such a serious relationship and (unrelated) that I knew what a serious relationship entails on an emotional level (having been in a 5 year relationship with AP that ended a couple years prior) but I have some issues with intimacy that may hinder my ability to fully commit myself at this time. She assured me that the reality is her emotional attachment in her serious relationship ended well before the actual relationship and that she was having fun with me and held no expectations and saw no reason to not go further. She came from a hard childhood and was open about being abandoned by her father, but came across as an incredible communicator who was very self-aware & self-assured, understanding of me in all situations, charismatic but still easy-going and low-maintenance at the same time. I loved how secure she seemed to be and how hard she had worked and continues to on a daily basis to be the best person she could be.
Looking back there were a few red flags I can identify now, I saw them at the time and found them odd and didn't fit into her narrative so I wouldn't say I missed them but rather I downplayed their importance:
- Couple drunk comments early on about "I don't really want her type, I want a rich hot girl" - "I used to be a shitty person in relationships." "Sorry for being so needy" (when making semi-rare emotional asks I found completely reasonable and met easily while always re-assuring that she was not overly needy as I did not see her this way in the least.)
- Was still helping her ex "work through" the breakup a couple months after and overlapping our relationship
- Little physical affection outside the bedroom but once we were in WOW and major connection point for us we both loved. Never had any issues receiving affection from me however.
- Never said "I love you" first, and only occasionally responded with same when I said it (not very often) late into relationship.
- Had issues making friends with girls, much easier time making guy friends. Ones she had always seemed to have major emotional issues and she was their "caretaker." This "caretaking" extended to relationship with mom as well.
- Labeled herself as a "serial monogamist."
While I found a few of these things weird and that they stuck out because didn't fit the person who I came to know, I never had major issue with any of them and handled all very easily and with great communication without pushing her too hard to dive deeper into the root cause. Over time, she pressed me a couple times to define what I wanted and where it was going (in a very reasonable and appropriate way,) I was always willing to discuss and communicate about this subject honestly and openly but was very consistent in telling her that I didn't think I was capable of a higher level of intimacy at this point because of my own issues. Ultimately it officially ended with her consciously making the decision that she wanted more, me saying I couldn't give that right now, and her breaking up after extensive and clear communication. I felt extremely sad about it ending but was understanding of her seemingly reasonable needs and didn't want to hold her back from having them met. She pushed attempting to remain friends which I happily agreed to because I gladly would have continued on indefinitely and loved the relationship we had, of course we continued to sleep together and maintain more of "friendship" but the physical aspect was always her pushing and asking for (I was a very willing party here and no problem initiating but wanted to be respectful of her so always let her set terms of this.) This continued on for the next year and a half seeing each other on/off interrupted by her telling me she had to stop because it was holding her back from what she wanted, each time I was sad but understanding and let her respectfully without chasing. She would always be the one to circle back and want to see me and I never said no because I loved spending time together and was always genuinely happy to see and hear from her.
Reconciliation: 6 months ago, I went through a very trying time with my career that broke me down mentally after a period of throwing myself into work and temporarily even further repressing my emotions. Ultimately everything worked out fantastically and I always knew it would and the situation was temporary, but it opened up a deep part of my emotional consciousness that allowed me to really feel things both good and bad. I leaned into these feelings and for whatever reason decided it was a good time to work on my relationship issues at the same time. It armed me with a much improved ability to feel, understand, and express my emotions and seemed to unblock the feelings and desire for her I always knew were there. Also dug into attachment styles and what mine is to better understand / work on. I finally came to her to express my desire to commit and take things to the next level and that I was ready. I had already anticipated going through a period of time where I would have to prove myself and level of commitment to her and was ready to do so, but holy sh*t what came after I never could have expected.....Admittedly she had been going through a difficult time herself with work, but the second I approached her about going to the next level I saw a completely different side of her:
- Avoidant - made it hard to see her / spend time with her, deflected asks, cancelling plans.
- Anxiety - Major episodes, believe some were unrelated to me but became very clear & consistent pattern when getting closer to each other and making progress. When we sat down for planned convo about me telling her why I wanted to be with her and take things to the next level she's so anxious she can barely form responses to basic convo...much less explain what's going on with her.
- Memories - All of a sudden had created this new interpretation of our past, brought up very small things I'd said before in joking / small talk that we laughed about and no issue at the time and gave whole new meaning behind them - Ex: "you hate how I dress" - from one time I teased her about hat she had I only saw her wear once, otherwise never said anything other than positive about what she wore period and truly never an issue to me.
- Intimate Conversation - All of a sudden would completely freeze up and couldn't communicate when I came to her and expressed (positive) feelings from very vulnerable place, when she did respond would have completely different take on things sometimes projecting her issues onto me and act almost like she was adult in room teaching me how to be in relationship in very condescending way, honestly her responses could be incredibly concerning because of how far off base they were even while I was attempting to validate ones that had even the slightest chance of being true.
- Sabotaging.... - After spending amazing weekend together at concert in another city, hung out during week we got back, was in communication attempting to make plans for upcoming Saturday and was vague about dinner she had to go to which I didn't press her on because it was not an issue to me, came over and was intimate with me. Found out later she was on a date that she took in front of my very best friends at a bar prior to coming over to see me....Caught her on dating app after we made a ton of progress and felt like we were close to getting over hump and into amazing relationship (she HATES dating apps...) Cancelling intimate plans out of spite even while things were going extremely well. Too many examples to list. When I would want to discuss these events in secure / appropriate way she would shut down completely.
Early during this period she on I realized what was going on with her and discovered what "FA" was and it gave me the ability to not take things personally when in normal dating scenario I would have walked easily as clear violations of my boundaries, so I hung in there for 6 months and we made serious progress. Outside of pretty frequent episodes and sabotage behavior from her it felt like we got really close to getting over the hurdle, the intimacy increased 100 fold, and the sabotage became less frequent and intense. I truly was excited to be in a committed relationship, and specifically with her and had no interests outside of her. At some points she would open up to me when things were good and I wasn't pushing for answers to tell me of her fear that I was going to abandon her, and I got the sense of an incredible sense of guilt she had for things she had put me through recently that I knew deep down she was self-aware enough to be cognizant of.
Breakup: She recently went on a planned 25 day trip to Bali by herself for personal growth/healing she expressed that she needed, I was very supportive of this understanding the need to be alone and the topic of me joining her at some point came up. I expressed my willingness to do so and genuinely wanted to but at the same time didn't push the issue or NEED to join without her explicitly asking me to. Two days before the trip came out we spent normal evening at her place and she brought the topic up, saying she needs to go by herself which is why she hadn't brought it up. I said I'm a little sad about it but not upset with her at all because I truly understand and I'll be here for her when she gets back, she cycles through some irrational thoughts that made zero sense again but I stand in there and maintain my vulnerability and eventually we end convo in positive way and she comes over to me for a hug and passionate kiss. The next day she texts me saying she wants to talk about the trip and I respond that its too late and I agree she should go on her own but its ok (admittedly terrible communication on my end btw) I was truly willing to discuss in person and still go if it felt right but she freaked out about my response and denied me an in-person convo completely, asked me to leave her belongings outside her door, etc. At this point my ability to communicate had broken down as well after so much frustration and I couldn't find the ability to soothe her, text convo escalates and later that night she says "I know you've never been in a real relationship before, but I can tell you this is as done as two people get I'm blocking and moving on" and then proceeds to block me on absolutely everything: phone, text, gchat, social media, everything imaginable including forms we never even use. Of course my immediate reaction is anger and major upset, but I realize I need to give her space for the time being. After a few days I'm able to let it subside after recognizing that her behavior is not malicious, its an attempt to regain her sense of safety/security and I shouldn't take it personally.
I stop reaching out and give her NC, only interruption is me sending a text checking in to see if she's ok / safe towards the end of her trip from a different #. No reponse. After she gets back of course I have strong desire to connect in positive way, a couple weeks ago I send her a very positive & loving email expressing that I apologize for my mistakes and recognize what she's going through and everything I love about her still without asking for a response or making any demands. No response. Couple days later she sends me text at midnight on a Tuesday: "Fuck. Off" I'm barely able to think of response and she calls me telling me not to contact her via text / phone / email etc then hangs up on me, I call back and ask if she's ok and she says "Yep" then hangs up again. I stop reaching out. 30 minutes later she calls back in completely different and kinder tone, tells me she misses me, wishes I was there with her but bad idea, thanks me for checking on her during her trip, tells me how amazing her trip was and how she's still glowing (I'm sure it was, but still sense false air about her description.) End amicably with "goodnight." Haven't heard from her since.
HELP! What do I do? Do I do anything? I truly want her to be happy/healthy and give her what she needs even if that means space or for this relationship to be over, I feel that I have a good sense of what's going on with her but I'm torn between continuing to stand in and overcome the barriers she's putting up to express that I'm still there for her as she works through her issues or if I should just drop things completely. I care for her very much and can see all the amazing qualities she has and I'm willing to put in the effort when not crossing my boundaries, I'm not angry with her but honestly the way things were left is still causing me major grief. Input welcome!
