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Post by faithopelove on Feb 5, 2019 2:30:25 GMT
The title doesn’t really explain my question really well. I’ve been a lurker on these forums so I’d like to ask a question, when an avoidant gets triggered, what exactly makes them return to their state before being triggered so to speak? I’m an AP myself while my ex is a DA, this is the second time we’ve broke up. I tend to take breakups really badly due to the coldness of my ex’s actions after we breakup. She will completely retreat into her shell when faced with stress in her life. It doesn’t even have to do with me, it can do with anything, financial, work stress etc. I’m sure most of you already know the patterns. She slowly fades out over a month then breaks it off. It’s only now that after seeing a therapist she was able to make sense of my exes actions by introducing me to attachment styles. Now this is a seven and a half year relationship. Together since we were both 15. The reason for my original question is during our last breakup, I remember her saying after about 3 months that while she wasn’t able to commit, she’s starting to see more clearly. Now this was after a lot of partying and drinking constantly. She then eventually came back about a month after that. What exactly causes them to come out of their shell and semi return to the person you knew? Is it a change in circumstance, maybe a life event? I really don’t expect to get back together. It’s just to try and help me make a little bit of sense. It just seemed out of the blue. I know she hated her job and that was causing her a lot of stress. This then caused us to argue a little bit more because she would retreat and I would chase due to my anxious nature. I do wish I understood this before the breakup. Just wondering if any DA’s or someone who has experienced this could chime in with some info. Thank you. I’ve been wondering the same...if they sometimes don’t snap out of their deactivation? My ex DA doesn’t want us back yet he’s not willing to completely let me go. This is a first for him. I’m using this time of uncertainty to manage and practice trusting and being less anxious. You have a very long history with her. I would think your connection would be a very strong one and if she views the relationship as more beneficial to her than not, then she’ll eventually return. I would work on the AP, if you haven’t done so yet. That would be a great help for you whether you’re alone, looking for another partner or trying to make it work with your ex. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2019 16:59:33 GMT
There is no concrete answer to this because it depends upon many factors.
If I am triggered to deactivation it is because I feel that my stability and security in my way of life or emotional or physical safety, or that of my kids, is threatened somehow. (With increasing growth away from original attachment wounding and original coping skills, this is not a frequent occurrence for me. )
A relationship becomes deprioritized at that time while I experience a nervous system response of dampening attachment while also trying to regroup , repeioritze, and to logistically and emotionally address the source of instability the best I can.
The physiological response resolves spontaneously in varying lengths of time depending on if I was able to remove myself enough to not feel backed into a corner, deepening the threat response.
Also, once I have gotten a handle on the stressor, or some support, typically from a trusted friend or peer without a complicated or painful dynamic, or from my own internal spiritual or reasoning processes, I will feel ready to re-engage.
In regard to your situation, there are other very significant factors at play.
You say that this is a 7ish year long relationship , beginning at the young age of 15. This puts you on the very cusp of emotional and even physical maturity. During the teenage years, the brain is literally rewiring and developing brand new connections in preparation for full adulthood. To inhibit the healthy development of the brain with substance abuse is to create emotional and physiological chaos.
Coming out of that, there are sure to be awakenings and steps toward maturity that take a person in a different direction than the one that they chose at 15. Immaturity is a factor here perhaps more than attachment style.
Additionally, it is a serious mistake to assume that a DA leaves a relationship only because of "deactivation". We are also capable of rational thought and decision making and the ability and of course the right to decide when a relationship does not suit us. In this case the "episode" is not an episode but a life choice, made consciously and very often, expressed to the best ability of the DA, who may or may not have clear communication and boundary setting skills. DA is an insecure style like the others, and interpersonal skills may be lacking, confusion may be present, conflictedness may be present, even while a DA is choosing consciously to end the relationship as it has been.
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