|
|
Post by jlm131 on Jun 1, 2017 14:37:25 GMT
Don't want to get everyone's hopes up as I can't speak for every individual. But I am/was (depending on the moment, in this moment it's a was dating an avoidant). I'll spare all the details, but 2 years, some fights - me overly apologizing just to end the stupid topic and get back to normal. But she ghosts me at the drop of a hat. I'm sure you are all familiar with feeling like you must walk a tightrope of perfection, one false move and you are dimisssd. The longest she has dissapeard for is 3 weeks. In this current episode we are in the middle of weeks 2. I will say that when these episodes happen, each time I have tried another tactic to draw her back - angry messages, apologies (even if not in the wrong), pointing out how great we are together and the wonderful memories, this time I am trying the I supper your need for space and still love you and will be here for you when you're ready. Jurry is still out on if that tactic will bring her back quicker or not.
What I have learned in the many episodes of this:
- they think it's done when they ghost you or dissapear
- they think they are protecting themselves
- they think you are in the wrong and they are justified
- I can't tell if any angle of attempts to get them back helps, hurts, or as no affect on the time to return
- each episode of the time away seems to be getting longer
- dont over attempt to reach them as this will look more clingy and justify to them that they still need to run
- they begin to miss you at somepoint, and will reach out to you and they will hesitantly want to start again with you. However, do not expect them to be apologetic when they come back as their own "self protection" is nothing to apologize for in their eyes. So my advice os if they reach out and you want them back, don't jump all over them with the how could you stuff or they will regreat trying to reach out to you which is a very vulnerable step for an avoidant.
Again no garantees, but this has been my experience with and avoidant. I take her back each time cause I still love her and realize this is her problem (albeit it affects me emotionally greatly) and I love her despite it. And maybe for the first time in her life she will realize I am here for her, she can trust me, she doesn't need to run. Maybe that will sync in one day and these patterns will stop. Or maybe I'm just a fool and it will always continue.... time will tell.
I know what the pain is like when there suddenly gone, so good luck everyone.
|
|
sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60 
|
Post by sam on Jun 1, 2017 16:36:28 GMT
Hi, can I ask what you enjoy about this?
I was with an avoidant for 4 years and it was like a living nightmare, it wasn't until he ended it and time has passed that I realise how it destroyed me. I'm still sorting my head out 10 months on but I am so happy to be out of it. I felt constantly on edge, anxious, depressed, confused and desperately unhappy.
I would never in a million years go near an avoidant in a "relationship " again.
|
|
|
|
Post by jlm131 on Jun 1, 2017 19:55:14 GMT
Sam, I'm not surprised at your question. Everyone asks me that. I hate the dissapearing - despise it. But the times I'm with her are truly beautiful, we rarely fight, there's no boredom, there's all the little inside jokes, no loss in sex-drive on either side after 2 years, it's truly amazing, and then wham she's gone and I'm crushed again. She is truly everything I want in a girl minus the dismissive nature cause something went wrong in her eyes one night. Which I'll admit is a huge thing, and very hard to deal with. I guess I'm living in an illusion, but it's my hope that showing her compassion, understanding that it's a "knee-jerk reaction" as she has described it, and she is worried she will push me away too far one day (her words), that she will one day feel safe and finally trust that someone is finally there for her, and her need to run will stop. Or, which everyone else I know seems to think, is ill get tired of this and look back on this period of my life and be like WTF was I thinking...
|
|
raco
Junior Member
Posts: 80 
|
Post by raco on Jun 2, 2017 14:17:08 GMT
You gave all the power away to her. She has total control over the fate of your relationship. She can end it or start it again at will. You can only end it. She should decide whether or not she wants to be with you, and stick to it. And maybe you should not accept to be treated like a disposable object.
I understand that you're hoping she will become more secure, but is that hope based on something encouraging that happened, or is it wishful thinking? Why not give her a second or third chance, if you see some progress, if you see a will to work things out. But she just broke up with you, again, after 2 years. So I doubt the situation is encouraging.
I guess you didn't even live together. Imagine what would happen if it were to be the case. You can waste many more years as a disposable object, or find someone that is actually capable of being in a healthy and balanced relationship.
|
|
|
|
Post by jlm131 on Jun 2, 2017 16:21:18 GMT
Raco, I absolutely see what you are saying. No, we don't live together, she is separated for 2 years, and in the process of finalizing divorce. That's certainly added stress to her. I don't claim to be perfect, In this last event I had a panic moment on her that was triggered by inane comments (as she called them) my panic is out of the fear of her dissapearing again. I composed myself and apologized, but I guess it was all too much for her again. My hope is that because she keeps leaving with this I'm done for ever with you attitude and then comes around a few weeks later, that we really do have what I thinks we have and that's why she keeps coming back, and once the stress of her divorce is over there will be more trust in me, leading to less panic moments of me, leading to less running from her, etc... I see what you mean about giving the power away. The thing is, I'm not looking for power, or for her to have it, just 2 equals who love and are there for each other. It's more of a hope that we can accomplish that one day. The only time I would want "power" is if it helped get her back quicker.
|
|
|
|
Post by isfprecupied on Jun 11, 2017 8:22:40 GMT
What would a secure person do?
|
|
|
|
Post by pooched on Jul 16, 2017 0:50:20 GMT
What would a secure person do? he would leave and not look back. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Oct 28, 2017 23:54:58 GMT
Hi Jlm131,
I am locked in a 2+ year struggle with my now ex-avoidant. We have been dating again the past 5 months, though he cannot tolerate even calling it that, so we don't. He has disappeared on and off throughout our relationship only to return with no apologies and no emotion. I'm working on leaving him entirely, because I just can't take it anymore. He is avoiding me this weekend when he knows how much I want to see him, but the minute I'm not available, he will text me non-stop. It's painful and unfair. I hope you find yourself looking for a way out too- I know exactly how you feel, our sex life is amazing, our time magical in my eyes, but I'm learning, though it is hard, that it's a lot of smoke and mirrors and destined to never change.
Whatever you do, I wish you peace, that's what I hope for all of us on here.
take care
|
|
|
|
Post by onastring on Nov 6, 2017 16:16:58 GMT
Hi Jim,
Your story resonates with mine, which I have written about in the dismissive avoidant stream. I too wanted to be the solution to her issues, I too believed I had enough love for the both of us etc. But I have realised that I cannot heal another person. I cannot solve their problem. They, as an adult, must take responsibility for themselves and I must sort out where I draw the line so that I maintain self respect and do not allow myself to develop emotional baggage for the future. She is ghosting ne at the moment and I do not know if she will ever contact me. It hurts, but I can't allow myself to become damaged by her. I can only learn from the exlerience, reflect on myself and wish her well. I would still offer some level of support if she ever wanted to return but only platonically, anything else is too damaging.
Others on this forum have mentioned the blog Baggage Reclaim. If you haven't seen it it's worth checking out.
|
|
|
|
Post by abolish on Nov 6, 2017 18:21:44 GMT
.
|
|
|
|
Post by stellar1969 on Nov 9, 2017 15:07:57 GMT
Hi Jlm131, I am locked in a 2+ year struggle with my now ex-avoidant. We have been dating again the past 5 months, though he cannot tolerate even calling it that, so we don't. He has disappeared on and off throughout our relationship only to return with no apologies and no emotion. I'm working on leaving him entirely, because I just can't take it anymore. He is avoiding me this weekend when he knows how much I want to see him, but the minute I'm not available, he will text me non-stop. It's painful and unfair. I hope you find yourself looking for a way out too- I know exactly how you feel, our sex life is amazing, our time magical in my eyes, but I'm learning, though it is hard, that it's a lot of smoke and mirrors and destined to never change. Whatever you do, I wish you peace, that's what I hope for all of us on here. take care What is this that we all seem to have in common as AP's with DA's? These magical moments. The sex being amazing? The thing is that these folks can only give this much in small bursts. This is why they disappear. They have to recharge and then when they want us again, they reappear. I left my DA after 18 months of this horrendous cycle and you know what? I haven't heard anything from him. NOTHING!!! I hear that some of them come back on their own when you leave them be and they can recharge, but I stood up to mine, telling him his ignoring me on a day we had plans was rude behavior and I want him to treat me better. Silence was all I got. These people are beyond my understanding of how anyone can function. They don't care how their behavior affects anyone. They just protect, protect, protect, themselves. I may be single for a very long time after this experience. I am in shock that people like this exist. And if I have crazy chemistry with someone I am going to watch for signs of them being DA. Time to protect ourselves. |
|
|
|
Post by onastring on Nov 9, 2017 22:03:24 GMT
These people are beyond my understanding of how anyone can function. They don't care how their behavior affects anyone. They just protect, protect, protect, themselves.
I may be single for a very long time after this experience. I am in shock that people like this exist. And if I have crazy chemistry with someone I am going to watch for signs of them being DA.
Time to protect ourselves.[/quote]
Right on.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2017 19:23:26 GMT
Don't want to get everyone's hopes up as I can't speak for every individual. But I am/was (depending on the moment, in this moment it's a was dating an avoidant). I'll spare all the details, but 2 years, some fights - me overly apologizing just to end the stupid topic and get back to normal. But she ghosts me at the drop of a hat. I'm sure you are all familiar with feeling like you must walk a tightrope of perfection, one false move and you are dimisssd. The longest she has dissapeard for is 3 weeks. In this current episode we are in the middle of weeks 2. I will say that when these episodes happen, each time I have tried another tactic to draw her back - angry messages, apologies (even if not in the wrong), pointing out how great we are together and the wonderful memories, this time I am trying the I supper your need for space and still love you and will be here for you when you're ready. Jurry is still out on if that tactic will bring her back quicker or not. What I have learned in the many episodes of this: - they think it's done when they ghost you or dissapear - they think they are protecting themselves - they think you are in the wrong and they are justified - I can't tell if any angle of attempts to get them back helps, hurts, or as no affect on the time to return - each episode of the time away seems to be getting longer - dont over attempt to reach them as this will look more clingy and justify to them that they still need to run - they begin to miss you at somepoint, and will reach out to you and they will hesitantly want to start again with you. However, do not expect them to be apologetic when they come back as their own "self protection" is nothing to apologize for in their eyes. So my advice os if they reach out and you want them back, don't jump all over them with the how could you stuff or they will regreat trying to reach out to you which is a very vulnerable step for an avoidant. Again no garantees, but this has been my experience with and avoidant. I take her back each time cause I still love her and realize this is her problem (albeit it affects me emotionally greatly) and I love her despite it. And maybe for the first time in her life she will realize I am here for her, she can trust me, she doesn't need to run. Maybe that will sync in one day and these patterns will stop. Or maybe I'm just a fool and it will always continue.... time will tell. I know what the pain is like when there suddenly gone, so good luck everyone. I see this is an old post, but I was wondering if you are still with her? I am DA and this is a familiar story to me. I think she does or is starting to love you and the trust will grow. Unlike others on here, I don't think it's bad to give people space when they want it and I don't think it has anything to do with power. I doubt she sees it as a power thing. Since I have been through this struggle on the avoidant side, I think there is something she wants to tell you but doesn't think it will change anything. These "breaks" are actually just fights. You will have to get to the root of what she wants to say for the breaks to get shorter and less frequent. |
|
cate
New Member
Posts: 39
|
Post by cate on Dec 13, 2017 0:46:34 GMT
Mary -
I’m curious. You’ve mentioned several times that you need space and your current partner gives it to you and it works. I’m wondering - what do you do during that ‘space’ time? Do you just isolate and recharge? Is it alone time? And when do you know you’re done with that time and can be back with your partner?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2017 7:04:16 GMT
Mary - I’m curious. You’ve mentioned several times that you need space and your current partner gives it to you and it works. I’m wondering - what do you do during that ‘space’ time? Do you just isolate and recharge? Is it alone time? And when do you know you’re done with that time and can be back with your partner? I do what I would normally do, work, take care of my house, visit with friends, etc. I work more and see friends more, because I have the extra time. It's different with my current partner, because I love him. The space comes when I am upset with him. With men I have dated in the past, If I was upset, I would just break up with them and never look back. Now if I am upset, I take space (time away) and it works. I know I'm done when I start to miss him and I'm ready to talk. I have learned over time there are things that can make the space time shorter. Also, now that I know he will give it to me freely, they have become shorter and less frequent. It used to be about every other month, and the last time, there was 9 months in between times. |
|
