Ending the Relationship

What an absolute loser. So sorry your going thru such pain.
I think you have had a lucky escape.

I remember my ex FA saying something similar to this when we first started dating. He said he “didn’t know how much he could give me right now” and that he “might not ever be able to get there....with me or anyone else”. That was before he ghosted on me for 4 months. He still maintained that position for a good year after we reconnected and started a relationship. I hung in there because I thought he was just dealing with pain from his ex wife cheating on him. I never realized it was deeper.

In my personal experience, I know my ex loved me. Those words were his fear talking. It was his way of shielding his heart from the inevitable doom that he knew was coming because he is not capable of sustaining a relationship. Period. With me as well as a long list of family, friends, employers, etc. he runs from all of them.

I know my ex loved me. I know he still does. So don’t take these things that your FA is saying personally. This is a reflection of his own internal confusion and insecurity. It has nothing to do with how much you do for him on the outside of his internal conflict. It’s taken me awhile to understand that concept. It didn’t matter what I did, this was his battle. He loved me but he was never going to be the partner that I needed and honestly, he had wounds so deep that I’m not sure I (or anyone else) can really be the partner he needed.

I think you are doing the right thing to pull away. I would have preferred your reasons to have been for YOU and not HIM though. You can still care about him and his well being but you have to do what’s best for YOU....who else will?

I'm sorry you had to hear such hurtful comments. Creating competition is so cruel and unnecessary. I hope you can find the power to stay away from him. It will only hurt more, the longer you subject yourself to this situation.

How long were you together?

This paints a bleak picture.
He is a really lovely person who shows a lot of respect and love and care for me.
But is unaware of his attachment issues and refuses to address any issues.
Thinks is all rubbish when I tried to talk about what I've found out since we've been together.
I love him but know in my heart that there is no real future for us and that breaks my heart as there is so much good about the relationship.

I would like to reassure you that we are both in our late forties and early fifties. This is hard because I think “Why not me?” But unfortunately for me, I’ll never know. The fact that he invented fake relationships and announced his undying love (for an old gf?) sealed the deal for me.

Something you said struck me, I’m new on the forum so I’m not so sure how to quote but you wrote that he had intimate relationships with other women who he was friends with on social media. In my case, I wouldn’t be so sure of this because I find this to be a distancing or a deactivation strategy. My former bf pretended he had relationships, dates and interactions either to make me jealous and exert power over me (I became extremely distraught before I verified his lying) or because he wanted to keep me at bay. This behavior is so alarming to me it borders on pathological in my mind.

I know I am an Anxious Attached, I have had a lot of therapy but I’m also by nature very kind hearted and generous so it’s hard to draw boundaries.

While the romantic relationship is destroyed, I still want the best for this man and yes, it’s too late now. He did me a huge favor, I should consider myself lucky. As a poster above stated, you can be a FA without being an a*hole and I feel his behavior crossed the line.

Even his brother told me that he didn’t love me and this did help enable me to end the relationship. It’s easy to advise someone to leave but I know it’s hard to do. It’s like an addiction and I hit rock bottom. I feel his treatment of me constitutes emotional abuse as I cannot imagine hurting him this way.

Additionally, we devolved into
nonexistent sexual relationship as well; I feel it was too intimate for him. He did a great job of hiding his issues before we slept together. We used to talk all night on the phone and eventually he couldn’t answer the phone and made me feel as if I was intrusive. I even ceased to initiate text. I feel relieved but I definitely still loved him. I went through everything. Is he gay? Was he molested? Did his divorce cause this? Health issues? He claims he had a perfect childhood but he may have been enmeshed. I wish I knew.