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Post by creditech on Mar 23, 2019 19:03:28 GMT
Hey guys,
So I'm anxious preoccupied. I've been seeing a widow whose husband committed suicide in June 2018. I'm not sure what her type is to be honest, and that's not my focus. She claims to have given up on love since her husband killed himself. Yet she still spends time with me, more than any other person in her life.
Our journey together is going tremendously well. We had a couple of road bumps we resolved together. But I write here about the biggest struggle for me.
She hides me from her friends. Her sister who she is closest to in the world knows fully about me. We're going on a trip together with her sister and her sister's husband in May. She has intents to reveal me to family.
But friends is a different case. She claims she doesn't want to explain anything. With justice to her, she is weak still from the June suicide. Yet, there is one friend "J" causing me anxiety.
1. THE "J" POTHOLE-This lasted one day in January. She cancelled "overnight" plans with me to be with "J"
2. THE "J" DETOUR--This lasted one month in Feb/March. She let J move into her apartment while J looked for a new apartment. This cancelled overnight plans at her place for one month. I was NOT allowed into her apartment for a month. I was NOT introduced to her friend J either. Or J's SO, who was also present. Every time I'd drop her off at night, it was sad. I wasn't even allowed in to use the bathroom before commuting home at 3 am (commute = 1 hour). I told her this road block was hard for me. And sad every time I dropped her off. Towards the end, she'd try to uplift me emotionally when walking her home. To her credit, she still spent time with me everyday. And she told J about me too (after she spent the night with me).
3. THE "J" POTHOLE--This lasted 10 minutes. Me and her went on a trip out of town. The day we left, literally hours before our flight was to take off, she was in a rush to get home because J was finally moving out. I felt like J was a priority over my feelings.
4. THE "J" POTHOLE--This lasted 10 minutes. On our trip out of town, she had to pick up J at the airport on the same day she dropped me off. Then suddenly last minute, she said she had to drop me off a half hour earlier, b/c J's flight was arriving early. I said, "every time J appears into the picture, there's an inconvenience on ME". It was uncomfortable for both of us.
Is my anxious attachment style contributing to my feelings of being de-prioritized here? If so, how? Honestly, I forgive her.
I feel like J is a recurring "road condition" in our journey together. I don't feel like this condition will be forever, but how do I come to peace with myself about what will surely be more road conditions in the future? I'm not focused on her at all here. I want peace for myself.
We've even talked about moving in together--at which point I would like to minimize "One Way" signs (with regards to revealing me to friends) in the home.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 24, 2019 1:00:21 GMT
Can you talk to her and communicate what you did in this post....that J feels like a priority over your feelings? Rather than letting resentment or insecurity build- which usually results in an AP explosion of some kind, I’d express your feelings to her.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 24, 2019 12:24:42 GMT
I second talking about this with her....start off with the positive...I love spending time with you...being with you makes me happy etc. Tyen state your feelings associated with not meeting J but also not feeling prioritized. Try to keep it solution focused, talk using I sentences...the AP mind will automatically space fill and will look for any threats to our security with a relationship...even when no threat exists. Good luck.
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 24, 2019 13:48:30 GMT
I dont think shes healed and really ready to date, this will be a continuing battle, if not J something else. Seems you started dating shortly after the suicide. It has not even been a year since the death. Something like this gives you deep wounds that dont go away quickly. While I'll advocate open talk with her I also would think about walking away, she wounded and needs to heal and Really process it for herself before dating others, shes probably in an avoidant state from this trauma. Who wouldn't be?
Just from what you post I feel like youre a 'band-aid' at this time.
I had an ex kill himself back in high school, while we were not together anymore and just friends, it still took me time to deal with his death. Shes on a way bigger scale than I was so I cannot imagine these wounds. Also I had my best friend die and I had to pack up her life and move 'her' out of where she lived, that hit me and I had to process, she had to pack his life up too. Its not a fast process when people die suddenly for sure.
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Post by creditech on Mar 24, 2019 14:19:36 GMT
I dont think shes healed and really ready to date, this will be a continuing battle, if not J something else. Seems you started dating shortly after the suicide. It has not even been a year since the death. Something like this gives you deep wounds that dont go away quickly. While I'll advocate open talk with her I also would think about walking away, she wounded and needs to heal and Really process it for herself before dating others, shes probably in an avoidant state from this trauma. Who wouldn't be?
Just from what you post I feel like youre a 'band-aid' at this time.
I had an ex kill himself back in high school, while we were not together anymore and just friends, it still took me time to deal with his death. Shes on a way bigger scale than I was so I cannot imagine these wounds.
I’m going to spend a week with her, her sister and sisters husband in another country. Considering how important her sister is to her, this is not "small". She tells me she "hides me" b/c she doesn’t want to explain herself to others. People tend to have well meaning but limited ideas about how long after a spouse suicide one needs to heal. I call them preconceived notions. People are different. The privacy of a relationship is unique to the two people involved in it. I think she’s trying to avoid these discussions for now. Regarding being a “band aid” I’ve already had this discussion with her. I thought I was a transitional period SO. As an AP, I’m not even preoccupied with being a band aid now. At all. It's pretty clear we're in this trip together and going to be for quite some time. My only reasons for getting out of the car/cancelling the trip would be infidelity and her leaving me. Based on extensive communication about both, neither are likely to happen. So while there may be a few road bumps, flat tires, or other roadside obstacles initially, the ride will smooth up over time for sure. The avoidant state comment is insightful. Thanks. (Not even trying to analyze her to be honest). |
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Post by creditech on Mar 24, 2019 14:31:32 GMT
Can you talk to her and communicate what you did in this post....that J feels like a priority over your feelings? Rather than letting resentment or insecurity build- which usually results in an AP explosion of some kind, I’d express your feelings to her. Thanks for the foresight about an AP explosion. And yes I can talk to her. Just need to pick a proper time and place to do it. |
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Post by creditech on Mar 24, 2019 14:43:45 GMT
I second talking about this with her....start off with the positive...I love spending time with you...being with you makes me happy etc. Tyen state your feelings associated with not meeting J but also not feeling prioritized. Try to keep it solution focused, talk using I sentences...the AP mind will automatically space fill and will look for any threats to our security with a relationship...even when no threat exists. Good luck. Noted: Start off with the positive. Also, not meeting J isn't really the priority for me. The priority is how I feel my feelings are deprioritized when she makes such a big deal about accommodating J when it affects me. We've discussed revealing me to friends and how she wants it to be organic and natural. One day we were holding hands outside her apartment when there was a high chance her J was going to come out. She didn't stop holding hands and said it'd be funny if J came out now. J knows about me. |
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 24, 2019 16:34:57 GMT
Thats great you had these talks, just keep openly talking about things with her, holding things back makes you more anxious. Straight tell her. If you already talks about the 'band aid' and others now soothed, why hold back talking to her about this? I'll add, you have the 'right' to be triggered in some way right now. I see this as its human to be bothered by this, not just our attachment, our attachment just reacts differently. You're are triggered anxious, as a secure Im triggered to talk see something wrong we need to work out. You actually see it too. There is more than the way this J thing is making you feel going on in ways. You cant meet friends, this is not normal to meet by now. You should be bothered by this in some way, there is a real issue here. In some ways you Really are 'pushed to the side by this','inconvenienced' because of this, she avoiding in some way even easing into meeting friends. I understand easing into things like this. But. Its real, not just you being anxious and in your head. I so would have been and done talked about this, its not normal and as a secure I dont let things build and explode, I just stay it so I can 'sooth' my something is off we need to work on things. Sooth yourself and talk. Talking is healthy, you are aware, you got this.  We all have what soothes us, secures just talk, avoidants, avoid, talking open like secures can sooth AP's. Very well some avoidant state, there are things she doesn't want to talk about with friends, so much so, you cant meet them. This would make anyone anxious or feel off. I can see giving her time and understanding but it needs to be talked about. You dont want to analyze her and this is for your self but a real 'analyzing' needs to be thought about this because of her behavior right now. She may very well 'oblivious' to this avoiding behavior and whatever is going on is not about you. |
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Post by creditech on Mar 24, 2019 17:22:54 GMT
Thats great you had these talks, just keep openly talking about things with her, holding things back makes you more anxious. Straight tell her. If you already talks about the 'band aid' and others now soothed, why hold back talking to her about this? I'll add, you have the 'right' to be triggered in some way right now. I see this as its human to be bothered by this, not just our attachment, our attachment just reacts differently. You're are triggered anxious, as a secure Im triggered to talk see something wrong we need to work out. You actually see it too. There is more than the way this J thing is making you feel going on in ways. You cant meet friends, this is not normal to meet by now. You should be bothered by this in some way, there is a real issue here. In some ways you Really are 'pushed to the side by this','inconvenienced' because of this, she avoiding in some way even easing into meeting friends. I understand easing into things like this. But. Its real, not just you being anxious and in your head.
I so would have been and done talked about this, its not normal and as a secure I dont let things build and explode, I just stay it so I can 'sooth' my something is off we need to work on things. Sooth yourself and talk. Talking is healthy, you are aware, you got this. We all have what soothes us, secures just talk, avoidants, avoid, talking open like secures can sooth AP's. Very well some avoidant state, there are things she doesn't want to talk about with friends, so much so, you cant meet them. This would make anyone anxious or feel off. I can see giving her time and understanding but it needs to be talked about. You dont want to analyze her and this is for your self but a real 'analyzing' needs to be thought about this because of her behavior right now. She may very well 'oblivious' to this avoiding behavior and whatever is going on is not about you. Thanks again for your input. We did talk about me not meeting her friends. Many times actually. She knows how it makes me feel in general. Honestly believe we have a mutual understanding that I can ride with--in general. Delayed gratification is my game plan here. I can be patient knowing she respects my feelings. What we haven't chatted about yet is the specific issue with J. Interestingly, she and her husband and J and J's SO went on a trip to MX together in Jan 2018. J said something so offensive to the husband, that the husband cancelled the trip on the spot and flew "my girl" and himself to another spot in MX. They abandoned J and J's SO in the middle of a vacation. Whether or not her current behavior is linked to her powerlessness in that MX trip, I don't know. Nor do I plan to reference it in my talk. But yes, I just need to find a proper time and place to have a chat about J. Ultimately your words here really answered why I came to this site: "In some ways you Really are 'pushed to the side by this','inconvenienced' because of this, she avoiding in some way even easing into meeting friends. I understand easing into things like this. But. I ts real, not just you being anxious and in your head." Thanks. |
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Post by sissyk on Mar 24, 2019 20:13:37 GMT
I may have read this hastily--Is J a potential romantic rival too rather than just a friend?
If not and her husband killed himself nine months ago, I think she gets a pass if she is very clingy/needy/emotional about a friend who may have been her rock in the immediate aftermath...Her friend may be a security blanket in a good way.
My 2 cents is I would put up with weirdness about the one friend for now if everything else is ok with your young relationship. Not every battle is worth fighting. And it is good for her to have strong bonds with lots of people.
If you are getting seriously involved with someone who has been through a major trauma in her last relationship, you will need to be very very very patient. You will also have to be the stronger of the two for now, I would think. She probably wanting to protect her heart in every way possible after her trauma. It would be worrying if she was leaping full speed ahead into a relationship after that loss.
It will take time to see if you two are in it for the long haul, you can't rush that. If you are meant to be, there is plenty of time for her friends and family to meet you and get to know you well. It is not a race--these things don't have to fit a timeline.
I know it is hard bc there are lots of generic dating advice about where you should be XX months in. Ignore.
If you are picking up on a deeper ambivalence or uncertainty in her, that is very much worth your contemplating.
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Post by creditech on Mar 25, 2019 16:22:32 GMT
I may have read this hastily--Is J a potential romantic rival too rather than just a friend? If not and her husband killed himself nine months ago, I think she gets a pass if she is very clingy/needy/emotional about a friend who may have been her rock in the immediate aftermath...Her friend may be a security blanket in a good way. My 2 cents is I would put up with weirdness about the one friend for now if everything else is ok with your young relationship. Not every battle is worth fighting. And it is good for her to have strong bonds with lots of people. If you are getting seriously involved with someone who has been through a major trauma in her last relationship, you will need to be very very very patient. You will also have to be the stronger of the two for now, I would think. She probably wanting to protect her heart in every way possible after her trauma. It would be worrying if she was leaping full speed ahead into a relationship after that loss.It will take time to see if you two are in it for the long haul, you can't rush that. If you are meant to be, there is plenty of time for her friends and family to meet you and get to know you well. It is not a race--these things don't have to fit a timeline. I know it is hard bc there are lots of generic dating advice about where you should be XX months in. Ignore. If you are picking up on a deeper ambivalence or uncertainty in her, that is very much worth your contemplating. Thanks for your reply. J is just a female friend. The majority of our young relationship is healthy and enjoyable . Your words are encouraging, so thanks. I would point out once again how despite a good intent, most people impose their own time frame on someone else's private relationships and timeline to healing. Everyone is different. |
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We all have what soothes us, secures just talk, avoidants, avoid, talking open like secures can sooth AP's.