If You are not interested: Text or call as Soon as You know. Write: "Hi xxx. Thank You for taking the time to meet in person. Unfortinality I am not interested in takling IT any further. Good Lyck finding a partner"
Then the. Other person dosent have to think about if the person wants to spend more time and energy on you. Be polite. Always Get back when People have spend time with You. Do not gost.
If you are interested after 1st date: Send a text message: "Hi xxx, I really enjoyed your company and I am looking forward to getting to know you better." Make it short, No questions but come up with a statement. The other can't say no to a statement. When you make a statement, the other one cannot reject you. Then you do not feel rejected if the other is not interested.
If the other does not respond quickly, it may be difficult for the ambivalent or disorganized to wait. Give IT time. At least one week. There can be many reasons why the other one does not respond immediately.
If there is no answer after 1 week, close the contact. Write or call: "Since I haven't heard from you, I expect you are not interested in meeting again. Good luck finding a partner." Otherwide the energy is hanging in the air. Then you get the energy back to you. Then the other can also return to you if the person has a good reason for not responding ealier. Even if you are a woman, you can send a message, as it is just a statement. If you are ambivalent, only send the message, if you can wait up to a week before getting and answar back. The ambivalent can have a pattern to reash out, reach out and reach out again and again to get back in contact. From the time you sent a message, your nervous system may be activated until you receive a message back. This also applies if you have disorganized affiliation . so Be aware of this.
The primitive instinctive reactions come from the reptile brain (reptile brain, brain stem). We are more developed than reptiles, so we inhibits and nuances our reactions. We do so to the extent that, the rational part of the brain is able to get on the track. The challenge is that there are not very many connections between the instinctive part of the brain and our rational part. In addition, it is the emergency route twice as fast as the road to the cerebral cortex (where we can perceive things consciously). The emergency route goes straight down to the brain stem and the instinctive level. Therefore, instinktive reactions sometimes overwhelm us. Especially when the impact comes surprisingly (it comes suddenly, or we are busy with something else). So, we react before the information reaching to the cerebral cortex prefrontal patch) = our consciousness! The instinctive reactions are sexual attraction, flight, fight and freeze.
It may be that you stay completely blank and do not know what to say if your dream guy/girl comes to talk to you (freeze). Or you hurry to get away if she seems interested in you (flee). Or you answer with a rap remark if he holds your gaze a little too long (fight). It may be, that you are completely blanked at the department meeting and do not know what to say if everyone looks at you (stiffen/freeze). Or you feel stuck and afraid in the dental chair and can not breathe (stiffen/freeze). Maybe you want to get away, if you have to talk to many people (escape/flee). Or you always attack verbally if you criticised (battle/fight).
Stress reactions belong to this category. If your colleague talks to you in an angry tone of voice or your boss yells at you. Conversely, these instinctive reactions can lead to a stress condition if they are understated. There are many, many other daily situations that root in the primitive instinctive reactions. Fortunately, you may be much better able to control your instinctive reactions, so you can respond appropriately. It is about balancing this part of the nervous system
PURPOSE: Contact must be achieved exchange of information that can lead you to meet
2. PHASE: The initial meeting. You meet: Speak, flirt, dance etc together (physically, online or by phone). It is here that it can be beneficial to be able to talk about wind and weather, nothing and everything - for while you are skimming and feeling each other out. That is the way we humans examine how chemistry between us is, and whether we want to go further and get to know the other.
THEME: Are you a potential partner - am I? PURPOSE: Creating a desire to meet again
Normal psychological CHALLENGES: fear of rejection, anxiety about becoming laught at, fear of intimidation, that the other exceeds one's boundaries, anxiety about hurting the other or even becoming Hurt. What is good to do - many things, but for example: Be happy and be yourself. Remember the focus should be on having a couple of good hours together, where you want to meet again be curious and open without telling everything about yourself or demanding that the other do. Flirt.
3. PHASE: Investigative, clarifying chemistry meetings (typically 1-5 times) You meet to find out who the other is. Is he / she interesting to me as a partner? It's a bit more like job interviews, where you both need to find out if you want to get to know each other more. With a little elegance and gentleness, examine where the other is in relation to your dealbreakers. Do not compromise on the most important dealbreakers, such as having children ect. THEME: Are you a potential quality partner- am I? There may be Spring in the air PURPOSE: To clarify whether you should continue to get to know each other.
You must both examine at least 10 things:
1. Does He/she turn me on - or can I become turned on later? (Give it at least 3 meetings, though there is no spark if he / she is otherwise interesting to you!) - good to flirt here!
2. Do we have common interests, attitudes, dreams and goals?
3. Do I like him / her?
4. Do I respect him / her and vice versa?
5. Can I count on him / her? 1. Phone calls and sms: women and some men pay close attention to when answers come back and who takes the initiative (often people with the ambivalent / nervous connection form) 2. Agreements, times etc. are observed. 3. What does he / she tell about stability versus clutter and chaos etc?
6. Will he / she add anything to my life? Can I?
7. Does he / she want to fit into my life? Family, children, friends, work, etc. If not, will it be okay for me?
8. Well, this is important if you are not just having fun: Does he / she already have a partner? Ask directly if he / she has a partner. Check out later by asking discreetly and "randomly" what he / she are doing in the holiday, how he / she usually celebrates Christmas or other traditions
9. Has he / she just got out of a relationship? If so be careful. You can easily just become a rebound
10. Does he / she speak negatively about others? Especially the opposite sex? This could Be a sign that he / she easily blames you for things, that do not go as He/she wants. Of course, one can be quite filled with negative emotions and thoughts if one has just been divorced or dropped. Consider carefully whether it is worth your time! Especially if it takes up a lot and if he / she reacts negatively! You can ask: " what do You think was your own tribute"
4. PHASE: You get to know each other more and are seeing eachother more often (typically first weeks - 3 months) The Crushing phase.
Here you elaborate on the knowledge of each other. The more in love you are, the less you see each other as you really are. You will see each other more as you think (wish) that the other person is. When you are in "love" in This phase, you unconsciously enlarge the positive qualities and sides of your partner and diminish (meaning) or ignore the negative things. There may be some uncertainty and jealousy, depending on your attatchmentstyle. This can cause dramas and severe emotional reactions. Some relationships have small crises or ends here: often at 1 month or at 3 months!
THEME: We are lovers or well on our way to becoming so.
PURPOSE: Get to know each other and each other's worlds.
5. PHASE: You are lovers (the first year) This love phase May be like the "love" as in phase 4. For many people, there is more peace in this period, mixed with love. It can be disturbed by the fact that women are typically quick to commit to the relationship, while men are more often slow, namely 1-2 years to commit. It goes without saying that it easily gives hassle if one expects that you are moving together and maybe even marry after a few weeks / months and at most ½ year, while the other is still in the start phase!
You introduce each other to family and friends during this period. Some relationships have small crises or ends after approx. 1 year, where the intense infatuation hormones evaporate for the most part.
THEME: We are lovers. we have fun, we go out and experience the world together!
PURPOSE: Get to know each other's family and friends Getting to know each other and each other's worlds even better Building the relationship
Psychological CHALLENGES: fear of being abandoned, fear of commitment and resistance to closing the back door, anxiety about wasting time (especially for women where the biological clock ticks, even after the menopause)
During this period, it is typically good to see eachother 2-4 times a week.
6. PHASE: Romantic phase (1 year to 3 -5 years). The love phase (the honeymoon phase), which, however, can be quite like everyday life. The hot love phase (honeymoon phases) is over. The infatuation can still be active. The relationship has become "permanent".
For many, therefore, there is more peace and security during this period. Most have clarified whether they want to live together, and if so, they move in together. Some relationships have crises or end in this period, when the " in love hormones" evaporate.
The Love no longer feeds automatically from the love hormones. Each partner must make an effort to maintain and preferably build the love. Some People forgets about building the love, and the break occurs after about 6-7 years. However, there is also a part that ends about 3 years of in love.
THEME: We are a couple. Having Children ect. It's the YEAR OF LOVE - we are harvesting and taking care of each other. We are often at home, when we are together.
PURPOSE: To build and develop relationships and love. To "build nest" and nursery care.
Psychological CHALLENGES: power struggle, polarization,take each other for granted,stagnation.
If you dream of love and a long-term relationship, then it is already here in the romantic love phase, you and your partner are going to develop love for each other and create some good love routines.
Continue to be open and courious - even if you BELIEVE you know your partner, you don't do it 100%. He / she does not even know himself… we also change ourselves continuously, develop and complicate ourselves.
Flirt (with each other)! Now it does not necessarily go completely by itself - so it is especially here you have to keep flirting right! One has not to take each other for granted, when the relationship has got the nature of being permanent.
Learn about the love languages you yourself and your partner has - and use them to fill up each other's love tanks. (Gary Chapmann)
Worst thing to do:
Demolition and criticism (It perceives the instinctive part of the brain as hostility. AND it not only breaks down love, respect, and self-esteem, but also the immune system, so you can become easier / more sick, maybe even gain wait. (Source: John Gottman)
Exclude the other to the extreme. (emotions, thoughts, physical touch)
Starve the other and / or yourself in regard of love.
PURPOSE: Getting through the power struggle and developing the conscious relationship. Growing a Swan Couple Relationship!
Psychological CHALLENGES: you focus on comfort rather than development, take each other for granted, power struggle, polarization, stagnation: What you do not care for develops - it is settled!
What is good to do - many things, for example: To cultivate love and put into the love tank. To cultivate lots of quality love together Doing new things together To repair when you wound or disappoint your partner - and to receive repair from the other! To support each other in reaching their dreams AND many, many more things!
If you want to attract a partner, it is about increasing your own energy radiance. This Will attract other people and a partner wants to persue you.(Chris Griscom) People with a secure attachment can do this naturally. The secure form of attachment is at the instinctive level. You can focus on what has already been safe in your life. What we focus on is growing. In addition, you can heal your unsafe forms of attachment at the instinctive level. Train yourself to be in the precent moment.
The old brain is designed so that we quickly read each other, when we meet a stranger. We know during the moments most about the other person, at least at the unconscious level. At this primitive level: friend or enemy.
Primitive or not, this part of us is terribly good at selecting other people who matches our often unconscious patterns. Such as if you always fall in love with the wrong ones. Those who, for example, are workaholics or maybe do not really want you.
Then this old brain is at stake. It is programmed to select and make you fall in love with just the kind of men / women who can restore your childhood psychical environment for good and bad.
However, if you are tired of falling in love with the wrong ones, you can change this infatuation template. In short, you can do that by healing all the negative emotions and instinctive reactions that are in store from the past in this part of the brain. Ex. If You react strongly to af persons text That says not to meet any more, despite the fact that You hardly know the person, the explanation lays in your old part of your brain.
The person can remind You of your mother and father. Not on the persons appearance and at first not on the persons behavior. Only later in the relationship the negative similarities emerge. But the old brain registrates this quickly. The more in love - the greater the challenges later.
Imago's explanation of love: The ultra-short version is: We fall in love with one who can restore our childhoods mental environment on the good and bad. Where the negative gives the sparks.
This is because the love template is in the old part of the brain. This part of the brain is extremely primitive in relation to neocortex, where reason and conscious thoughts emerge! The old part of the brain does not operate with chronological time, but sees everything as being right now.
Therefore, if you meet a person reminiscent of someone you know or have known, then it will confuse the person with this one. You will then feel safe or unsafe, comfortable or uncomfortable, etc.
At the same time, this person whom you fall in love with has sides that you have repressed and lack to accept and / or develop yourself. That is, compensatory sides that makes the other different from yourself. If you are outgoing, you may fall in love with someone who is quieter and introverted. It gives you a feeling of being whole.
Later in the relationship, these sides of the other oerson you fall in love wirh can be exactly the sides that bothers you the most.
Put IT another way: The more a person potentially is able to give you the same kind of feelings that you experienced in childhood, the more in love you become!
Unfortunately, especially the negative emotions give attraction. I could also say it like this: "The more in love - the more difficult problems later in the relationship".
The point of is that to the extent that you have healed childhood scratches and thus the negative feelings, to this extent they will not bother you in the present.
Conversely, if you haven't healed the scratches, then the relationship can allow you to do so.
Let's look at how we humans are designed to heal also psychologically, just as our body is. When we get a wound, a cold virus or break a leg, the body knows exactly what it should do. It does it, whether you think about it or not. Well, sometimes it has to be helped if the damage is big.
This is also the case on the psychological level. But think about how fascinating a great healing ability we possess. Love and relationships are, with Imago eyes, also a perfect opportunity to heal old things in your backpack, so that you can get more of the healthy Safe connection form.
Falling in love and the relationship can whirl up the things, that challenges you the most. When these things get swirled up, it can make it hard to be you. At the same time you get the opportunity to clean them out.
You fall in love, when you need a revolution.
Italian psychologist Francesco Alberoni says: If you are a whole person, then you will not fall in love! He declares, that only when you need a revolution in your life, a change of the greater, only then yoy will fall in love!
Seen with those glasses, even if You are not interested not in this, You can fall in love. IT can also Be a way of getting out of a stagnant relationship.
Falling in love with another can thus be a way of getting out of an unsatisfactory relationship. The love/crush gives the energy and possibly also the security to leave.
Can a partner show up by himself / herself: If you are single - you can use the paradoxial change method to help You to enjoy being single and accepting that you do not have a partner right now. How can you create your life so That you are okay with and happy to be single.
Give what is, allowed to be there - what which is painful. Where in the body is the discomfort of being single? In the heart or the stomach or? Put your hand on the body part and say to the discomfort "that it's okay discomfort, you are allowed be here right now" ect. Do you have the resistance to feel -often sitting in the head, Then Tell the resistance you are also allowed to be here right now. The paradoxical change method can be a shortcut so that your future partner can emerge..
What to do between the second date and until You and your date Will become a couple:
Check out your dealbreakers and the other persons dealbreakers. Something You can not live with and something You can not live without. Sometimes You Will not Get an honest answer.(ex if the other person is violent, wants kids ect)
Check out Arthur Arons 36 questions. You can ask your date some of theese questions to find out about eachothers values. You can choose to only ask some of the questions. This Will help your partner to feel heard and seen.
Between 2. date and until You and your date becomes a couple:
The securely attatched: Here, things develop by themselves. It will be natural to become lovers. If you are safe and fall in love, you are happy and lively but otherwise your life will be as usual.
The ambivalent: The ambivalent will typically fall in love with perhaps already after 1-3 date. If the other one is not so interested, you will doubt if the other likes you - you can also doubt if you are good enough. You will experience it as if you have been obsessed with the other and you have difficulty using. your head in your work.
Dopamine and noradrenaline are activated in the brain when we are in love. It requires a lot of energy for the ambivalent, to be in this phase.
You keep an eye on how many text messages the other person Will send, who is calling who, how many smileys the other person uses and you over-analyze everything and are hyper-aware.
The problem here is that you often lose yourself and here you also quickly lose the other's interest in You, because you are not at home in yourself. You will not be very interesting. It is loving to yourself, if you become more xxx and you land your nervous system. Use the paradoxial change method, the water tank exercise, into safe attachment exercises ect. Use the rubberband method and get a rubberband around your wrist. Every time you think of the other person, you easily pull out the rubberband - you can change the wrist. This method gives your brain a micro shock. So you will becomr present in the precent moment
If you are in doubt: You become unsure of what you want and whether the other is interesting enough. Your old part of the brain tries to find faults about the other person. However, you still have good moments with the other person. You've talked to your friends and just as soon as you've made a decision, you're starting to doubt again. You will Get yourself in a yo yo limbo. Here you can also find it difficult to concentrate on yourself. Land your nervous system. Try to become objective. Look at your dealbreakers and look at your love vision. You can share this with a friend of the other sex who knows you well. To be in doubt is an old defense mecanism That is keeping you from being Hurt. Here you can also use the rubberband exercise or you can use a coin. Feel if you are relieved or sad - but just right after the coin lands on your hand. Otherwide You Will start to doubt again.
If You still are having problems look at the healing ambivalent thread and do the exercises and find yourself an attatchment therapist.
If You are dating someone with some ambivalent attatchment style: Do not Play games, breath, remember That the other person can be in doubt.
Meet a couple of times Per week in This starting phase. This Will give some pease in the ambivalents nerveussystem.
Do not wait for too Long to answar a text. Better to call instead. If the ambivalent sends You a Lot of texts every Day, Then do not answar right away. IT is unpolite to text other people All the time. Do not Make your texts too Short. Text once or twice a Day. And make one phonecall. Remember how the other person reacts, is about the other persons own pattern.
Between the 2nd date and until You become a couple:
The dismissive: Frequently, slow dating is more suited for the dismissive. Make an effort to date the same person at least 5 times. Answer text immediately, otherwise you can forget to answer. Unless it is an ambivalent you date. Then set an alarm to ring on your mobile. So you remember to return to the other person. You can write "when can I call You" and then set your alarm in your phone and Then remember to call at the time you promise to call! Otherwide You often Will forget and the other one will Get pissed.
If you write text messages, write longer messages, use smileys ect Do more than what feels natural to you. Practice giving meaning to the relationship.
Use kind eyes exercise, safe attachment exercise, coming into the World exercise and read your love version every day and think the other into your love vision.
You can look at the thread "heeling your dismissive attatchmentstyle". Healing of resignation, kind eyes, welcome to the world exercise, healing the the inner child, etc. Remember You havent learned to cp-regulate ass a child with your parents, so You have to learn and practise this a lot. Find yourself a therapist.
If the other has dismissive attachment: Give plenty of time, plenty of space, avoid being too needy. Remember they only texts using few Words ("No, yes, That a deal" ect), often they do not use smileys, they can take a long time to respond. The advice is to Have a Lot of patience!
Disorganized: Maybe you just have a little disorganized attatchment style - maybe only 5% and it only appears in your love life.
It feels like a tension in the nervous system, high arousel, by tension in the chest, anxiety in the body, difficulty breathing ect. It can feel like panic anxiety. Or you do not feel anything at all in the body and this is because you are dissosiated. You can't count on your bodys signals. Use the water tank exercise, push exercise, here and now exercise ect.
Spend more time getting to know the other person. You need your head and use reason. Get a friend to help you.
Boundaries are important, pay attention to any underdog / Overdog dynamics. You can overstep your own and other peoples boundaries. Also Letting other people overstep yourown boundaries. Use competent protector exercise, the water tank exercise, here and now exercise, orientation exercise. Check out your dealbreakers and your love vision.
Shame, you may feel your boundaries, but you have doubts about your boundaries being okay. Get help from an objective friend. SE is good for the disorganized. See the thread healing of disorganized attatchmentstyle. Work with a therapist. The disorganized can use Peter Levine's wuu sound.
Are you dating a person with disorganized affiliation Rest in yourself, be clear with your boundaries, use clear communication, clearly say yes or no. Be aware of boundaries. Do not be pushy.If the disorganized is too fast, en Be gentle and loving. Say you just have to be able to follow, but that you are still interested. Is there is an drama, land your own and the other's nervous system. The disorganized can be confused. While ambivalent may be in doubt.
Wait to have sex with the one you date until you can't help it. Don't have sex on the first dates. Wait from the 2nd date up to 3 months.
Remember A bad sex match can, however, be a dealbreaker if sex is important to you.
Remember the first date is just an appetizer. If you are having sex too fast, the steam can go off the relationship. As long as you don't know the other person, believe yourself. In 3 months you can investigate if the other person is a partner for you. Both partners must be enriched by the relationship.
Remember the impact of oxytocin - expecialy if You are a Woman. Oxytocin makes Women Bond, when they are making love and they are touched on the breats and on the nipples.
As a Woman make sure That You are exclusive before You are having sex. Make sure That both of You put your datingprofiles on pause ect. Otherwice wait.....
Use a condom until both of You have been tested.
Needs behind sex
Pure lust oxytocin Feeling masculine / feminine Confirmation - Correctness of the Love / the Relationship - Physically My Body Is Delicious - Inadequate Self-esteem Admiration - being a good lover Power - you can't do without me Discharge ANS the nervous system Experience intimacy / closeness