Questions for the FA

@janedoe


Obviously my answers only apply to me. Also a more "severe" FA who is unaware, lacking self-insight, not trying to work on themselves, or higher in avoidance is going to be very different from me.


Do you feel angry due to whatever trauma you faced that caused you to have insecure attachment issues?

Not really, but I do feel a little bit resentful sometimes about some ongoing dynamics with one of my parents in the form of thinking "It's partly your fault that I have attachment issues, the least you could do is try to help fix things now and hear me now!" although I don't say that.


Do you tend to get angry easily, in general?

I don't get angry easily in general and it's rare that I act angrily towards other people. I have to be super triggered and usually the other person acted angrily towards me first. I think my anger is suppressed, but at the same time I'm also just chill about a lot of things that people seem to get mad about. 


What is your version of trying to work something out in a dating/relationship situation while trying to deal with your own (overwhelming) emotions at the same time?

I'm not really sure how to answer this. Do you mean how do I manage during a conflict? Or...? Can you elaborate?


Can you explain how you feel when you get to the point of backing out of a relationship?

I don't often end a relationship rashly. That is something that might separate me from some other FAs. I don't suddenly break up with people, even though I have thoughts about it. And I certainly don't ghost them. The only time breaking up might be "sudden" or not stick is if it's a reaction to something major the other person did, like cheat on me, or if both me and my partner start talking about how maybe we should break up during a bad conflict. Otherwise I think and think and think about it for a long time and see if my feelings about wanting to leave are pretty consistent and lasting. The behavior you might see from classic stereotypical FAs is often going on in my head, rather than something I act on. The reasons I have eventually left relationships have been varied and how I've felt at the time has been so varied as well.


Or when things get too close for comfort?

I feel vulnerable and scared that it can't last, or that the person will not like me when they know everything about me, or I sometimes worry the relationship will trap me or erase my identity. I don't end it just because things are too close for comfort. You need to be ok being uncomfortable to have a relationship.


Are you angry?

When ending a relationship? Not usually. Only if it's more of a protest behavior like a sudden reaction to an argument or feeling super hurt. I have heard some FAs say they will start fights as an excuse to end the relationship though. We are also triggered by conflict.


Do you blame the other person?

Not really, the only time I've blamed someone for me breaking up with them was an ex who was straight-up objectively abusive and another who cheated on me, and even then I blamed myself a lot too.


Do you feel guilty?

I felt guilty when I ended a pretty good relationship with a very kind person who did nothing wrong, and I still do (and I felt guilty about my behavior in the relationship too), but that's the exception not the rule.


Are you more overwhelmed with your own emotions?

Not usually, if I'm overwhelmed by my emotions I can't usually even manage to threaten to break up with someone, I just have a quiet panic attack. 


Do you feel differently after your emotions “cool down”?

Yes, I might feel like I want to break up with someone while triggered, but once I feel calm I see it's not necessary to end things immediately.


Do you have any regrets over this?

Do you mean regret breaking up? I would if I acted on all my urges to break up and then changed my mind afterwards.


After pulling away (in whatever manner), do you feel like you were targeted or "sucked into" or trapped by a relationship? Do you feel like you could get sucked back into it?

Yes, I might sometimes worry that I am a target for people who want to trap and control me, that I shouldn't have revealed information that showed them that I was vulnerable. Or I might worry that I got sucked into spending too much time with the person or things getting too serious too fast, in this case I don't really blame them but myself. Trapped, yes. I KNOW I could get sucked back into it. But I feel better after a short time (or sometimes feel an AP kind of anxiety) and try again, either forgetting or hoping eventually if I keep trying I will have more strength to not do the things that I thought were unhealthy/unwise.