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Post by throwaway1713 on Aug 8, 2019 1:50:00 GMT
I am 16 months out from the break up with my FA ex, we were together for 3 years, he left me (without ever addressing his severe intimacy/communication problems) and started a new relationship almost immediately, which imploded badly after a few months. He was forced to leave his new house and moved back to the road we both lived on.
In the past 16 months, I’ve kept strong with NC from the get go, bar one message about 8 months in to outline everything I’d discovered about attachment styles (specifically FA) and CPTSD, I think both are relevant to him. I stayed in my house (where we both used to live) and left him alone.
I was shocked by his move back, but didn’t try to prevent it. However he’s lived on my road now (about a 1 minute walk away) for 6 months and it’s beginning to get to me. I find it really tough to leave the house and return, because I’m worried about seeing him. I’m also worried I may see him with a new partner. I’ve seen him a few times on the street and it’s so painful. He contacted me out of the blue to say he wanted to meet up a couple of months ago, I met with him and he really wants us to be friends. I was clear with him that we can’t be friends because I still love him and want a relationship. I told him I respect his desire for friendship and that we should go our separate ways and build new lives.
I’m finding it almost impossible to get over him with his current proximity. He didn’t have a good reason for why he moved to my street. I got to the point where I had to tell him I can’t do this and one of us needs to move. He doesn’t think either of us need to move. It just seems insane to me for us to live so closely when we both want such different things. If he won’t leave I’ll have to. I don’t want to, I love my house and I’ve been here for 8 years, but it seems insane to continue this purgatory. Am I being unreasonable here? His reaction is so opposed to how I feel about this, it’s like he thinks it’s normal to leave a loving longterm relationship, have a short lived nightmare relationship with a random girl and then return to the street where you lived with your longterm ex, who you said was your soulmate and best friend. But maintain that you only want friendship. I really don’t know why he’s doing this. It’s like he can’t understand why this is hurting me.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 8, 2019 3:04:29 GMT
I am 16 months out from the break up with my FA ex, we were together for 3 years, he left me (without ever addressing his severe intimacy/communication problems) and started a new relationship almost immediately, which imploded badly after a few months. He was forced to leave his new house and moved back to the road we both lived on. In the past 16 months, I’ve kept strong with NC from the get go, bar one message about 8 months in to outline everything I’d discovered about attachment styles (specifically FA) and CPTSD, I think both are relevant to him. I stayed in my house (where we both used to live) and left him alone. I was shocked by his move back, but didn’t try to prevent it. However he’s lived on my road now (about a 1 minute walk away) for 6 months and it’s beginning to get to me. I find it really tough to leave the house and return, because I’m worried about seeing him. I’m also worried I may see him with a new partner. I’ve seen him a few times on the street and it’s so painful. He contacted me out of the blue to say he wanted to meet up a couple of months ago, I met with him and he really wants us to be friends. I was clear with him that we can’t be friends because I still love him and want a relationship. I told him I respect his desire for friendship and that we should go our separate ways and build new lives. I’m finding it almost impossible to get over him with his current proximity. He didn’t have a good reason for why he moved to my street. I got to the point where I had to tell him I can’t do this and one of us needs to move. He doesn’t think either of us need to move. It just seems insane to me for us to live so closely when we both want such different things. If he won’t leave I’ll have to. I don’t want to, I love my house and I’ve been here for 8 years, but it seems insane to continue this purgatory. Am I being unreasonable here? His reaction is so opposed to how I feel about this, it’s like he thinks it’s normal to leave a loving longterm relationship, have a short lived nightmare relationship with a random girl and then return to the street where you lived with your longterm ex, who you said was your soulmate and best friend. But maintain that you only want friendship. I really don’t know why he’s doing this. It’s like he can’t understand why this is hurting me. My situation is a bit different....but when B broke up with me....I asked him not to attend the singles community that we met at...it was an hour drive for him....he attended infrequently while we were dating...and there were plenty of churches closer to him. He agreed...but 6 months later reached out saying that enough time had passed.....I kept sending him responses that I had not gotten over him and needed more time...but finally agreed that I had no right to keep him from the community...I lasted 6 months before I chose to stop going and give up my leadership role because I kept getting jealous of every girl he would talk to. Every time I have talked to him about this...he gets defensive, even though I have made it very clear that the issue is solely mine. The last time he and I spoke..he said “hasn’t it been enough time for you to get over me” and to me it honestly sounded like he was disappointed in me for still having feelings for him after all this time. I tried to explain to him that my heart just works differently...but I don’t think he got it. B also wanted to be friends right away...and I am still working on being able to be a good friend to him. but to answer your question...I don’t think you are being unreasonable. |
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Post by throwaway1713 on Aug 8, 2019 13:34:26 GMT
I am 16 months out from the break up with my FA ex, we were together for 3 years, he left me (without ever addressing his severe intimacy/communication problems) and started a new relationship almost immediately, which imploded badly after a few months. He was forced to leave his new house and moved back to the road we both lived on. In the past 16 months, I’ve kept strong with NC from the get go, bar one message about 8 months in to outline everything I’d discovered about attachment styles (specifically FA) and CPTSD, I think both are relevant to him. I stayed in my house (where we both used to live) and left him alone. I was shocked by his move back, but didn’t try to prevent it. However he’s lived on my road now (about a 1 minute walk away) for 6 months and it’s beginning to get to me. I find it really tough to leave the house and return, because I’m worried about seeing him. I’m also worried I may see him with a new partner. I’ve seen him a few times on the street and it’s so painful. He contacted me out of the blue to say he wanted to meet up a couple of months ago, I met with him and he really wants us to be friends. I was clear with him that we can’t be friends because I still love him and want a relationship. I told him I respect his desire for friendship and that we should go our separate ways and build new lives. I’m finding it almost impossible to get over him with his current proximity. He didn’t have a good reason for why he moved to my street. I got to the point where I had to tell him I can’t do this and one of us needs to move. He doesn’t think either of us need to move. It just seems insane to me for us to live so closely when we both want such different things. If he won’t leave I’ll have to. I don’t want to, I love my house and I’ve been here for 8 years, but it seems insane to continue this purgatory. Am I being unreasonable here? His reaction is so opposed to how I feel about this, it’s like he thinks it’s normal to leave a loving longterm relationship, have a short lived nightmare relationship with a random girl and then return to the street where you lived with your longterm ex, who you said was your soulmate and best friend. But maintain that you only want friendship. I really don’t know why he’s doing this. It’s like he can’t understand why this is hurting me. My situation is a bit different....but when B broke up with me....I asked him not to attend the singles community that we met at...it was an hour drive for him....he attended infrequently while we were dating...and there were plenty of churches closer to him. He agreed...but 6 months later reached out saying that enough time had passed.....I kept sending him responses that I had not gotten over him and needed more time...but finally agreed that I had no right to keep him from the community...I lasted 6 months before I chose to stop going and give up my leadership role because I kept getting jealous of every girl he would talk to. Every time I have talked to him about this...he gets defensive, even though I have made it very clear that the issue is solely mine. The last time he and I spoke..he said “hasn’t it been enough time for you to get over me” and to me it honestly sounded like he was disappointed in me for still having feelings for him after all this time. I tried to explain to him that my heart just works differently...but I don’t think he got it. B also wanted to be friends right away...and I am still working on being able to be a good friend to him. but to answer your question...I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Thanks for your response. Yep it’s so frustrating when they can’t understand the fact you still have feelings for them. Your experience sounds similar to mine in that respect. When we met up a couple of months ago he said to me ‘don’t you think you need counselling to try and get over me?’. I explained to him that that’s not how normal grieving works. I completely support counseling/therapy for someone who gets stuck in grief, who finds their life is collapsing as a result. In my case, I don’t feel that’s necessary, my life has been thriving since he left, I’ve created successful projects with many other people, deepened my connections with my family and friends and taken on a new job which allows me to travel the world. I’m still grieving for him because when I fall in love I really fall in love, but I’ve set boundaries with him and I’ve not backed down. I don’t stalk him online at all and I leave him alone. I was also able to have a healthy physical relationship with a good male friend of mine, my ex didn’t want sex or any intimate contact for the final 2 years of our relationship. I’m now open to a new relationship if I meet someone I connect with. So yeah, I don’t think I need a counselor, just distance and time to heal. Which is why I don’t think living on each other’s doorsteps is a good idea. I explained this to my ex. It seemed like he wants me to speed through my healing so he can have what he wants, which is friendship. But it’s friendship on his terms, it wouldn’t be a true friendship. He doesn’t want anyone going near his pain. If we speak again I think I would raise this with him, what exactly does he mean by friendship? He has superficial relationships with everyone in his life, he can talk to you about your problems forever but if you go anywhere near his he can’t tolerate it. Until he’s willing or able to truly share with another person he’s not going to be able to have a proper friendship, let alone relationship. |
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 8, 2019 14:31:56 GMT
Oh man, that's a rough one. I can see how anxiety-provoking it would be that ex moved right down the street. Is moving a possibility, even if it might take a minute? I think you're totally doing the right thing, maintaining NC and not currently accepting a friendship until you're fully healed and have moved on.
I live on a small island, and often get anxiety about running into my most recent ex, an FA I'm not ready to be friends with, as well as a more toxic ex from years ago, a narcissist. I lost an entire trivia team, one that I had put together! made up of my neighbors, because the narcissist refused to leave the team after we broke up, though I was the one who'd invited her on in the first place. I really resented that, but eventually, I found other friendships and hobbies to fill the void.
I don't have much advice, but definitely have sympathy.
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Post by throwaway1713 on Aug 8, 2019 18:28:49 GMT
Oh man, that's a rough one. I can see how anxiety-provoking it would be that ex moved right down the street. Is moving a possibility, even if it might take a minute? I think you're totally doing the right thing, maintaining NC and not currently accepting a friendship until you're fully healed and have moved on. I live on a small island, and often get anxiety about running into my most recent ex, an FA I'm not ready to be friends with, as well as a more toxic ex from years ago, a narcissist. I lost an entire trivia team, one that I had put together! made up of my neighbors, because the narcissist refused to leave the team after we broke up, though I was the one who'd invited her on in the first place. I really resented that, but eventually, I found other friendships and hobbies to fill the void. I don't have much advice, but definitely have sympathy. Thank you xx It's completely unfair that your ex effectively stole your trivia team. But it shows how strong you are that you managed to move away a build a new life for yourself, that takes real courage. Yes, I could move. I do love living here but a change wouldn't be the worst thing. The thing that I can't grasp is why he moved back. Is it FA cycling behaviour or is it just complete obliviousness to how the break up has affected me? He's an incredibly smart and sensitive man, so it seems insane that he can't understand feelings. But perhaps that's the complete problem with FA, it causes a deadening of feeling so they are no longer able to empathise or understand. It's so tragic. We were each other's best friends, soulmates, creative partners and with a connection like no other. If he had a more secure style there's no way we would've broken up. But like you said, there's not point getting angry at what is. I know from experience it's possible to move forward and build a new life. And hopefully one day I'll be content again. |
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jules
Full Member
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Post by jules on Aug 8, 2019 23:11:35 GMT
I may be a moron here but... he could have moved anywhere and he chose there. Where you are. He wants to be friends. He had a fling and now he has committed to a lease on your ( of allll the ) road (ssss). ; )
Perhaps he is prepping for a future with you in mind? Or is this too hopeful? Do they realize how good they had it?
I read somewhere that they like someone in the house but not necessarily in the same room. He may not be saying anything but "I came back, let's be friends" and start again. ?
If you are considering moving I take that to mean you are really done with him?
This must be very stressy...to think you might run into him with a new person. Oy. Stay tough cookie!!
Jules
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Post by throwaway1713 on Aug 10, 2019 1:26:55 GMT
I may be a moron here but... he could have moved anywhere and he chose there. Where you are. He wants to be friends. He had a fling and now he has committed to a lease on your ( of allll the ) road (ssss). ; ) Perhaps he is prepping for a future with you in mind? Or is this too hopeful? Do they realize how good they had it? I read somewhere that they like someone in the house but not necessarily in the same room. He may not be saying anything but "I came back, let's be friends" and start again. ? If you are considering moving I take that to mean you are really done with him? This must be very stressy...to think you might run into him with a new person. Oy. Stay tough cookie!! Jules Thank you Jules! No, not a moron at all, it’s what I’m trying to figure out too! My desire to move away is based on us being completely finished. I know from experience that I can get over a true love if I have plenty of distance and time away from them. He’s my biggest ever love so I’d have to make a proper move away to attempt this. But if he was cycling back around and he wanted to reconnect, I would consider it. Things have changed in some aspects, he was completely against therapy when we were together. He now knows he needs it and he’s actively seeking out a therapist. I’m not sure if he’s succeeded yet, but he was looking when we met 2 months ago. I’m so much wiser and more clued up than I was when we were together. And I don’t want to rush back into a relationship with him. But I feel that if both of us wanted to work on it and if we were both working on ourselves in therapy etc. to address attachment issues (although I’m mostly secure I definitely can be prone to some AP tendencies when I’ve been abandoned by a partner) then I would consider that. Aside from his shutting down our relationship was really incredible, even as he broke us up we were laughing and joking with each other. It was a very respectful, caring relationship and so much fun. We were each other’s best friends, so all that makes it hard for me to close the door. At the moment he’s saying he wants only friendship and that he ‘destroyed his feelings for me’. We’ll see what unfolds, but my plan is to move if our relationship proves to be completely over. I need to give myself an opportunity to heal and move forward. |
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