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Post by Dualcitizen on Oct 6, 2019 10:19:25 GMT
Well.....the Ex just apologised for pushing me away and said "a mixture of things and not coping" was the reason for the retreat! I would say that at least she has some sort of awareness, and may be able to be guided to self help? {edit} (only of course if it's brought up by her, not pushing here, I'm just trying to be very mindful)
What are your thoughts?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 0:16:57 GMT
I would say... "thank you for acknowledging that you've pushed me away, and for apologizing, I appreciate it; where is your head right now with regards to your "mixture of things and not coping"?" then take it from there. I would see it as it's not my problem to fix (not paid for my guidance!!) and she didn't say that she wanted me back or my help, nor give a concrete idea of what she wants to do about it.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Oct 7, 2019 1:49:29 GMT
I would say... "thank you for acknowledging that you've pushed me away, and for apologizing, I appreciate it; where is your head right now with regards to your "mixture of things and not coping"?" then take it from there. I would see it as it's not my problem to fix (not paid for my guidance!!) and she didn't say that she wanted me back or my help, nor give a concrete idea of what she wants to do about it. Totally agree with your words. I certainly cannot fix her, she must come to the self realisation, and if she brought it up, I would potentially guide her to some literature. I didn't elaborate too much sadly. From reading in here, and watching youtube channels like Thais Gibson, the big thing for F-As (and any insecure attachment style) is mindfulness around their actions and how they effect others at all. Also taking responsibility for one's own actions. Seeing as she has taken a step clearly in the right direction, just wanted to ask if that is rare or normal course of action from F-A's standpoint and others involved with F-As? Because it appears it's not and most seemingly are oblivious and continue cycling, making the same mistakes over and over and continue the heartbreak for themselves, in a total self fulfilling prophecy. Appreciate the input. Oh and by the way, I did say "thankyou for that and appreciate you realising it" in a sentence, definitely acknowledging good behavioural patterns like that is key to breaking the cycle I think. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Oct 7, 2019 1:54:06 GMT
I received an apology also, however, he showed no signs of wanting to fix himself. In my case, he gave me a sad story because he had just been triggered and was looking for emotional comfort from me. He continued on to his normal patterns / coping mechanisms. It all depends on their actions over their words. What is this person doing to create more healthy patterns/habits in their emotional life? Appreciate the input from your experiences. Yes I'll make note of what she mentions, what she may be involving herself with, and if she's involved in any self help. If shes still drinking most nights etc. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 2:08:34 GMT
I would say... "thank you for acknowledging that you've pushed me away, and for apologizing, I appreciate it; where is your head right now with regards to your "mixture of things and not coping"?" then take it from there. I would see it as it's not my problem to fix (not paid for my guidance!!) and she didn't say that she wanted me back or my help, nor give a concrete idea of what she wants to do about it. Totally agree with your words. I certainly cannot fix her, she must come to the self realisation, and if she brought it up, I would potentially guide her to some literature. I didn't elaborate too much sadly. From reading in here, and watching youtube channels like Thais Gibson, the big thing for F-As (and any insecure attachment style) is mindfulness around their actions and how they effect others at all. Also taking responsibility for one's own actions. Seeing as she has taken a step clearly in the right direction, just wanted to ask if that is rare or normal course of action from F-A's standpoint and others involved with F-As? Because it appears it's not and most seemingly are oblivious and continue cycling, making the same mistakes over and over and continue the heartbreak for themselves, in a total self fulfilling prophecy. Appreciate the input. Oh and by the way, I did say "thankyou for that and appreciate you realising it" in a sentence, definitely acknowledging good behavioural patterns like that is key to breaking the cycle I think. I can't speak for all FAs, just for myself. I think there are 3 layers - being completely unaware, being somewhat aware of ego-level behaviors and interpersonal dynamics but no internal evolution, and being aware with internal evolution of the self. I was previously at the 2nd layer; I do recognize and apologize for bad behaviors, but that does not mean that I acknowledged and recognized the deeper underlying faulty currents that generate those behaviors, nor does it mean I actually care if the other party feels better or comes back into my life. I could be mindful and take responsibility of it, but it has thus far, till recently, functioned as a relatively surface level, relating to norms, protecting relationships, and trying to be/working towards what a decent person would do. It was only till recently I had a complete seismic shift in my intrapsychological make up through a deeper spiritual and emotional awareness that developed because of mindfulness of MYSELF and taking responsibility for MY trauma and identity. Previously, i guess you can say that i was mindful and take responsibilities only of my behaviors and other people. The behaviors enacted might appear the same, but the underlying motivation and experiences are quite quite different - one is centered around external factors (e.g., behaviors, other people's feelings) while one is more centered around internal factors (e.g., choosing values, deciding what kind of person I want to be, choosing to heal even though it's horribly painful). Therefore, it's definitely great that she has some awareness and took responsibility for what she's done - first baby steps! but this does not mean that she is not oblivious and will not continue to cycle, as of yet. It really just depends on how far along that progression towards "enlightenment" is. sorry if this was not more helpful. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 7, 2019 2:33:39 GMT
I've had a lot of experience with FAs also in @shiningstar 's second layer. An apology really doesn't mean anything besides they're not devoid of empathy and knowing right from wrong. It isn't a cry for help, though it's nice to receive. Don't read into it as an invitation to "save."
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Post by Dualcitizen on Oct 7, 2019 4:49:32 GMT
I've had a lot of experience with FAs also in @shiningstar 's second layer. An apology really doesn't mean anything besides they're not devoid of empathy and knowing right from wrong. It isn't a cry for help, though it's nice to receive. Don't read into it as an invitation to "save." Nope definitely not. Cheers |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Oct 7, 2019 4:52:08 GMT
Totally agree with your words. I certainly cannot fix her, she must come to the self realisation, and if she brought it up, I would potentially guide her to some literature. I didn't elaborate too much sadly. From reading in here, and watching youtube channels like Thais Gibson, the big thing for F-As (and any insecure attachment style) is mindfulness around their actions and how they effect others at all. Also taking responsibility for one's own actions. Seeing as she has taken a step clearly in the right direction, just wanted to ask if that is rare or normal course of action from F-A's standpoint and others involved with F-As? Because it appears it's not and most seemingly are oblivious and continue cycling, making the same mistakes over and over and continue the heartbreak for themselves, in a total self fulfilling prophecy. Appreciate the input. Oh and by the way, I did say "thankyou for that and appreciate you realising it" in a sentence, definitely acknowledging good behavioural patterns like that is key to breaking the cycle I think. I can't speak for all FAs, just for myself. I think there are 3 layers - being completely unaware, being somewhat aware of ego-level behaviors and interpersonal dynamics but no internal evolution, and being aware with internal evolution of the self. I was previously at the 2nd layer; I do recognize and apologize for bad behaviors, but that does not mean that I acknowledged and recognized the deeper underlying faulty currents that generate those behaviors, nor does it mean I actually care if the other party feels better or comes back into my life. I could be mindful and take responsibility of it, but it has thus far, till recently, functioned as a relatively surface level, relating to norms, protecting relationships, and trying to be/working towards what a decent person would do. It was only till recently I had a complete seismic shift in my intrapsychological make up through a deeper spiritual and emotional awareness that developed because of mindfulness of MYSELF and taking responsibility for MY trauma and identity. Previously, i guess you can say that i was mindful and take responsibilities only of my behaviors and other people. The behaviors enacted might appear the same, but the underlying motivation and experiences are quite quite different - one is centered around external factors (e.g., behaviors, other people's feelings) while one is more centered around internal factors (e.g., choosing values, deciding what kind of person I want to be, choosing to heal even though it's horribly painful). Therefore, it's definitely great that she has some awareness and took responsibility for what she's done - first baby steps! but this does not mean that she is not oblivious and will not continue to cycle, as of yet. It really just depends on how far along that progression towards "enlightenment" is. sorry if this was not more helpful. Shiningstar, thankyou very much on insight, great stuff, will take it onboard. Appreciate it. |
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