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Post by nyc718 on Oct 25, 2019 23:27:08 GMT
So my wonderful BF and I got back together after a two month break up. We didn't talk about the break up at all when we got back together, we just moved forward and picked up from where we were.
Everything has been great, amazing even. We actually seemed closer than before. We were back to talking, being affectionate, sex was great as it always was.
After almost 2 months of being back together and after one particularly great evening out, he deactivated. I didn't hear from him for a week, which I actually wasn't surprised about, and maybe prepared for perhaps. When he did reach out via text, it was two words, Hey Babe. I kept the text conversation neutral, talked about a little stress I was having with painting my apartment. We texted just barely more a little back and forth and that was that. Today, 3 days later, I reached out via text, and just a little back and forth, but nothing more.
So, the deactivating is going on, and I don't know how long it will be for.
Part of me is like, okay, be patient with him, he needs to do this for his reasons, most of which he doesn't even understand himself. And another part of me is wondering if I should be patient and hang on.
There is nothing bad about him, really. He is a good person. I also am a good person. We are great together, but only one of us is able to love freely and securely, and I'm not sure how much longer this can last. I do wonder if he will start to subconsciously start to tell himself all the things "wrong" about me, as I have read this is a common thing with FA's. He might, he might not, I don't know.
In a way, I wish he would do something to make me hate him, because it would be SO much easier to let go and move on.
I suppose anything is possible though. My last semi-serious boyfriend was also FA, which I had NO CLUE at the time, didn't even know there was such a thing. When things started to get more connected in our relationship, he did what I now know are classic FA moves - blowing me off, telling me he's just SUPER SUPER busy, making super lame excuses for not seeing me, but keeping me strung along yet not completely cutting me out. He kept me hanging on for a good several months, and it got to the point where he was blowing me off so badly that I couldn't take it anymore and I finally did hate him enough to let go and move on.
That breakup was so painful, but him pushing me away and blowing me off made me so angry that that fuel is what I used to get over him. I no longer felt one ounce of affection towards him, just pure contempt. The pining away for him was replaced with disgust, and I was just done with him.
To this day, I think of that BF and I get such satisfaction at completely cutting him off, especially when he tried to come back into my life many months later by contacting me and doing other things to try to get my attention which I completely ignored. It was my turn to blow him off, and I did.
But I don't want it to end like that with this current boyfriend. I also know that it's not entirely up to me on how this all plays out.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this in a place where I feel people understand.
I didn't tell that many people we had gotten back together. I know that part of that was because I have no idea where his head is or what exactly would happen between us, and I'm glad I didn't really tell anyone, because I don't need to explain what's going on with us now.
Thanks for listening.
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Post by persephone on Oct 26, 2019 0:23:36 GMT
There is nothing bad about him, really. He is a good person. I also am a good person. We are great together, but only one of us is able to love freely and securely, and I'm not sure how much longer this can last. I do wonder if he will start to subconsciously start to tell himself all the things "wrong" about me, as I have read this is a common thing with FA's. He might, he might not, I don't know. I think the same about my ex FA. He’s a good person. But good or not, his actions are not that a good person would do. I had to tell myself, good person or not, that I had to let him go after he surprise-dumped me. He said he thought I was planning on leaving him, and when I told him it wasn’t true, he said his gut feeling said I was wrong for him and he never loved me. Most ex FAs will probably nitpick (but most aren’t aware this is nitpicking). Mine complained about me buying him lunch was robbing him of his autonomy. In their minds, they’ve marked you as the enemy. No amount of patience and love will treat them. They need to be aware and work on themselves. Unfortunately, they will probably break a lot of hearts along the way. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 26, 2019 0:38:05 GMT
There is nothing bad about him, really. He is a good person. I also am a good person. We are great together, but only one of us is able to love freely and securely, and I'm not sure how much longer this can last. I do wonder if he will start to subconsciously start to tell himself all the things "wrong" about me, as I have read this is a common thing with FA's. He might, he might not, I don't know. I think the same about my ex FA. He’s a good person. But good or not, his actions are not that a good person would do. I had to tell myself, good person or not, that I had to let him go after he surprise-dumped me. He said he thought I was planning on leaving him, and when I told him it wasn’t true, he said his gut feeling said I was wrong for him and he never loved me. Most ex FAs will probably nitpick (but most aren’t aware this is nitpicking). Mine complained about me buying him lunch was robbing him of his autonomy. In their minds, they’ve marked you as the enemy. No amount of patience and love will treat them. They need to be aware and work on themselves. Unfortunately, they will probably break a lot of hearts along the way. I agree with just about all of that, but he really is a good person, he's just a really, truly unaware person. As far as breaking hearts, I'm not sure about that with this one. I think I have been the most patient person he has ever been with, and the longest too, almost a year and a half-ish. He, like many FA's has low self esteem. He doesn't hate himself, but he doesn't think as highly of himself as he should. He doesn't have it in him to be a "heartbreaker". He just can't get a relationship going enough to get to that point. I know he and I have something different and special, and that's probably what's both kept us going for as long as it has, and also probably scared the shit out of him the most, not understanding what's going on with himself. I am trying to tell myself it's time to move on. It's hard. It's painful. It's not what I want at all. But I know that I can't stay on this ride forever. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 26, 2019 1:04:49 GMT
I agree with just about all of that, but he really is a good person, he's just a really, truly unaware person. ...also probably scared the shit out of him the most, not understanding what's going on with himself. If he is scared enough to ghost someone with no regard or empathy as to her feelings, because being with that person on his terms makes him feel better, and chances are, he has done this before many times, this not only makes him a heartbreaker, but not a good person. Sure, there is an explanation, but that doesn't make it acceptable behavior. He is aware enough that ghosting someone is an inappropriate way to treat someone and aware enough that therapy exists to help him become aware. But it is easier for him to get comfort when he needs it and run when things get uncomfortable to the detriment of others. Only when he ends up having the same pain that he causes when someone walks away from him will he seek help. I don't really see this as "good." I completely understand what you're saying. I think I am saying he's good as far as being a person, he really isn't consciously trying to hurt someone, that I know. I have been with someone who actually was malicious and trying to hurt me, so that's what I consider bad. Yes, I agree, ghosting is not good to do. I think I am just such an understanding person that I know why he's doing it. I am not really trying to justify it, I do have limits myself, but unfortunately I am not yet at that place. I do want to hear from him, BUT I am not going to contact him again, and I'd like to say if he doesn't contact me for a long time, I won't respond if he does. I don't know though that I am strong enough. I want to be, believe me, I want to be, and I will do all I can in my power to be that person. I have gotten over men before, and I want to get over him as well. I just might not do it in the straight line that I want to  |
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 26, 2019 1:27:05 GMT
I agree with just about all of that, but he really is a good person, he's just a really, truly unaware person. ...also probably scared the shit out of him the most, not understanding what's going on with himself. If he is scared enough to ghost someone with no regard or empathy as to her feelings, because being with that person on his terms makes him feel better, and chances are, he has done this before many times, this not only makes him a heartbreaker, but not a good person. Sure, there is an explanation, but that doesn't make it acceptable behavior. He is aware enough that ghosting someone is an inappropriate way to treat someone and aware enough that therapy exists to help him become aware. But it is easier for him to get comfort when he needs it and run when things get uncomfortable to the detriment of others. Only when he ends up having the same pain that he causes when someone walks away from him will he seek help. I don't really see this as "good." I don't categorize people into "good" and "bad," I don't think that's a real thing, but I want to second @janedoe 's general sentiment here by saying ghosting is never ok, it's not loving, it's not considerate, it's not respectful, and understanding that someone does it because they're scared and they weren't loved properly as a child doesn't excuse it or mean you should put up with it. You deserve better. You at minimum deserve proper communication about what happened, an apology and explanation. People have some responsibility for their behavior, its up to us to actively work on ourselves, even if we were dealt a shitty hand in our upbringing, and to minimize the pain we cause to other people. I also think that (for everyone's good) people need to tell people how their ghosting affects them and not just sweep it under the rug, saying nothing for fear that they will lose them. If he is that unaware, then he can at least be made aware that his disappearances are causing you pain and not something you want in your life. You can talk about it gently of course, but won't it be better for you to speak up about your feelings and needs? If he runs away in terror forever just because you ask him why you heard nothing from him for an entire week (I'm assuming that is unusual of course, if you have created a long-standing expectation that it's ok to go that long between texts then that's another story) or you tell him you felt scared or whatever emotions you felt, then is this really someone you want to be in a relationship with? And do you really want a relationship where you can't talk about the fact that you were broken up for 2 months and you both just act like nothing happened? Someone has to be the one to talk. I don't think that is secure, sweeping major things under the rug, never to communicate about them. I don't mean to be harsh, trust me I have this problem myself, but I'm feeling the pain of regret that I didn't find a way to kindly, gently and directly talk about things in a healthy way at ok times before things got worse. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 26, 2019 1:35:43 GMT
I completely understand what you're saying. I think I am saying he's good as far as being a person, he really isn't consciously trying to hurt someone, that I know. I have been with someone who actually was malicious and trying to hurt me, so that's what I consider bad. Yes, I agree, ghosting is not good to do. I think I am just such an understanding person that I know why he's doing it. I am not really trying to justify it, I do have limits myself, but unfortunately I am not yet at that place. I do want to hear from him, BUT I am not going to contact him again, and I'd like to say if he doesn't contact me for a long time, I won't respond if he does. I don't know though that I am strong enough. I want to be, believe me, I want to be, and I will do all I can in my power to be that person. I have gotten over men before, and I want to get over him as well. I just might not do it in the straight line that I want to Most people don't consciously try to hurt anyone. When you're discussing willful or intentional, that's more psychopathic or sociopathic. But awareness of hurting someone is a form of gross negligence. Under the law, there are repercussions for this level of liability. In essence, you are the one being held liable for his negligence. I understand what you're saying as I am a perspectives person and in the past several years, I have been curious about how people work and why they do what they do. But just because you know why doesn't mean it is acceptable human behavior. I had to separate these two, which is difficult to do when you add emotions to that perspective. There comes a point where a grown adult person with full mental capabilities has to take accountability for his actions. He is choosing to soothe himself at the expense of someone else. It really sucks to see this and if you're not there, you're not there. It's rarely a straight line for anyone. Lol, I actually deal with felonies on a daily basis, that's my job ;-) I don't think I agree that you have to be a sociopath or psychopath to hurt someone emotionally, but I do agree that an adult should take accountability for his actions towards others. However, we ARE on a site for avoidant attachment types, and if I've learned anything, self-soothing is something avoidants have to do in order to survive basically. So I think I am definitely more forgiving towards those who struggle in that way, and also in that struggle end up hurting others. Again, I am not trying to justify it, but my understanding of it helps me to not think of them as terrible awful people, because it's just not necessarily the case. But I think we do agree that the collateral damage is a bad thing for sure, and I can certainly empathize with all who have had to bear the brunt of their FA's actions. I wish I was able to turn off my emotions like it seems some FA's and DA's are able to do. I so wish I could do that, but I can't. I am me, a person who knows how to love and be loved, and I wish the person I loved was able to freely love me back. I know he can't, and I am trying to go step by step to detach myself from him. I know unless he wants to help himself, we will never get anywhere no matter how great we seem together when it's good. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 26, 2019 1:44:06 GMT
If he is scared enough to ghost someone with no regard or empathy as to her feelings, because being with that person on his terms makes him feel better, and chances are, he has done this before many times, this not only makes him a heartbreaker, but not a good person. Sure, there is an explanation, but that doesn't make it acceptable behavior. He is aware enough that ghosting someone is an inappropriate way to treat someone and aware enough that therapy exists to help him become aware. But it is easier for him to get comfort when he needs it and run when things get uncomfortable to the detriment of others. Only when he ends up having the same pain that he causes when someone walks away from him will he seek help. I don't really see this as "good." I don't categorize people into "good" and "bad," I don't think that's a real thing, but I want to second @janedoe 's general sentiment here by saying ghosting is never ok, it's not loving, it's not considerate, it's not respectful, and understanding that someone does it because they're scared and they weren't loved properly as a child doesn't excuse it or mean you should put up with it. You deserve better. You at minimum deserve proper communication about what happened, an apology and explanation. People have some responsibility for their behavior, its up to us to actively work on ourselves, even if we were dealt a shitty hand in our upbringing, and to minimize the pain we cause to other people. I also think that (for everyone's good) people need to tell people how their ghosting affects them and not just sweep it under the rug, saying nothing for fear that they will lose them. If he is that unaware, then he can at least be made aware that his disappearances are causing you pain and not something you want in your life. You can talk about it gently of course, but won't it be better for you to speak up about your feelings and needs? If he runs away in terror forever just because you ask him why you heard nothing from him for an entire week (I'm assuming that is unusual of course, if you have created a long-standing expectation that it's ok to go that long between texts then that's another story) or you tell him you felt scared or whatever emotions you felt, then is this really someone you want to be in a relationship with? And do you really want a relationship where you can't talk about the fact that you were broken up for 2 months and you both just act like nothing happened? Someone has to be the one to talk. I don't think that is secure, sweeping major things under the rug, never to communicate about them. I don't mean to be harsh, trust me I have this problem myself, but I'm feeling the pain of regret that I didn't find a way to kindly, gently and directly talk about things in a healthy way at ok times before things got worse. I agree with what you're saying, I do. I wasn't not trying to bring it up because of fear I would lose him, I did it because I also don't always care to rehash things, and I also wanted to just move forward. I know for some things, that can work, but for something as fundamental as this, a conversation definitely needs to be had. I don't know exactly what I would say or how to (gently) say it, but I agree with you that it must be expressed. This current deactivation that's going on solidifies for me that if we continue (big if) it can't continue without a conversation about blowing me off. I cannot continue indefinitely like this. I love him, but I love me too! I love me a lot! And I didn't always, but I do, and I know that I am worthy and deserving of being loved freely too. |
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Post by stu on Oct 26, 2019 2:01:59 GMT
nyc718 I don't categorize people into "good" and "bad," I don't think that's a real thing, but I want to second @janedoe 's general sentiment here by saying ghosting is never ok, it's not loving, it's not considerate, it's not respectful, and understanding that someone does it because they're scared and they weren't loved properly as a child doesn't excuse it or mean you should put up with it. You deserve better. You at minimum deserve proper communication about what happened, an apology and explanation. People have some responsibility for their behavior, its up to us to actively work on ourselves, even if we were dealt a shitty hand in our upbringing, and to minimize the pain we cause to other people. I also think that (for everyone's good) people need to tell people how their ghosting affects them and not just sweep it under the rug, saying nothing for fear that they will lose them. If he is that unaware, then he can at least be made aware that his disappearances are causing you pain and not something you want in your life. You can talk about it gently of course, but won't it be better for you to speak up about your feelings and needs? If he runs away in terror forever just because you ask him why you heard nothing from him for an entire week (I'm assuming that is unusual of course, if you have created a long-standing expectation that it's ok to go that long between texts then that's another story) or you tell him you felt scared or whatever emotions you felt, then is this really someone you want to be in a relationship with? And do you really want a relationship where you can't talk about the fact that you were broken up for 2 months and you both just act like nothing happened? Someone has to be the one to talk. I don't think that is secure, sweeping major things under the rug, never to communicate about them. I don't mean to be harsh, trust me I have this problem myself, but I'm feeling the pain of regret that I didn't find a way to kindly, gently and directly talk about things in a healthy way at ok times before things got worse. I agree with what you're saying, I do. I wasn't not trying to bring it up because of fear I would lose him, I did it because I also don't always care to rehash things, and I also wanted to just move forward. I know for some things, that can work, but for something as fundamental as this, a conversation definitely needs to be had. I don't know exactly what I would say or how to (gently) say it, but I agree with you that it must be expressed. This current deactivation that's going on solidifies for me that if we continue (big if) it can't continue without a conversation about blowing me off. I cannot continue indefinitely like this. I love him, but I love me too! I love me a lot! And I didn't always, but I do, and I know that I am worthy and deserving of being loved freely too. Hey, I just wanted to say I have a very similar mindset to you. But the thing is until an FA is ready and willing to address their issues and work on their relationships seriously, it will keep happening indefinitely. He isn't trying to hurt you maliciously but that doesn't mean it's healthy behavior to put up with either way. I think a lot of us get caught in the mindset of wanting to help and doing our best to be supportive and loving and understanding. However these people who are still caught in the cycle. They aren't seeing things clearly and in the end you will just end up getting hurt and wasting time. Unless they made a conscious choice themselves to change. But that will not happen from anyone outside themselves, and letting them continue the same patterns without consequences just allows them to re live it indefinitely. Check out my recent thread about my fa coming back. From the beignning until end. And see what you think and feel. By the end of that short amount of time. The situation ended up being terrible for me and with me feeling like I did all of this stuff for my ex fa for no reason. I did not get appreciated for my efforts she doesn't care about what displayed for her. She just chose what she chose to do to keep herself feeling good at the expense of everyone else that can be in her life. If I were you I would just re consider the situation and ask if it's truly worth staying or if you're really getting anything out of this or yourself that you couldn't find elsewhere with someone who was more emotiinally healthy. For what its also worth the last time I was with my FA she was the most consistent she had ever been since I first knew her. And she opened up to me completely and told me everything there was to know about her good and bad. She really got attached to me at least for a short time, and wanted to be with me for a very long time. She had no plans of ever wanting to leave me or breaking things off and was very affectionate and sure I was what she wanted for the rest of her life... until once again the de activation happened through no fault on my end at all. And the resulting ghosting and then replacing me with someone new, along with how she treated me during this, it was the worst I had seen since I knew her. She felt so threatened by the connection and intimacy we had together that she unconsciously sought out to destroy her connection to me in the most unrepairable way possible. And now I permentantly removed her from my life. You don't want to have to wait till things get to this point and you have to make choices like that because your FA does things that are beyond your ability to ever move past, and hurt you to the point you are never able to return. Better to move on and focus on your own self. And if they ever do get healthy and want to reach out and are in a good place for themselves, you can talk to them then and maybe something can potentially happen from there. But in the midst of still being in their own issues. You don't want to form a romantic attachment to them, because it will end in nothing but pain and confusion for you. |
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Post by mrob on Oct 26, 2019 2:04:59 GMT
Also, from the FA point of view that brought me here, look at my early stuff. It’s terrifying.
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 26, 2019 2:13:08 GMT
I agree with what you're saying, I do. I wasn't not trying to bring it up because of fear I would lose him, I did it because I also don't always care to rehash things, and I also wanted to just move forward. I know for some things, that can work, but for something as fundamental as this, a conversation definitely needs to be had. I don't know exactly what I would say or how to (gently) say it, but I agree with you that it must be expressed. This current deactivation that's going on solidifies for me that if we continue (big if) it can't continue without a conversation about blowing me off. I cannot continue indefinitely like this. I love him, but I love me too! I love me a lot! And I didn't always, but I do, and I know that I am worthy and deserving of being loved freely too. I'm glad to hear this. Also, I think that tiptoeing around stuff can actually feed FA's fears. Having elephants in the room can make us feel like we are in a powder keg, and we're usually horrible about bringing it up if the other person isn't saying anything either. And it can be really bad if someone keeps silent about something but quietly starts to resent us and we can feel it, or the issue bursts out at particularly bad time or in a scary way. I've been on both sides of this. It can be extremely upsetting for me to realize someone was keeping something inside and feeling angry at me and didn't talk to me about it until they suddenly exploded (we FAs are very sensitive) and told us that this thing has been building for a long time. This makes me feel very unsafe, like I can't trust them to talk to me directly about things. Learning over time that we can actually have discussions with our partner about difficult things and that the person will share their feelings and needs with us without abandoning or attacking us is very valuable. |
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Post by stu on Oct 26, 2019 2:34:28 GMT
I agree with what you're saying, I do. I wasn't not trying to bring it up because of fear I would lose him, I did it because I also don't always care to rehash things, and I also wanted to just move forward. I know for some things, that can work, but for something as fundamental as this, a conversation definitely needs to be had. I don't know exactly what I would say or how to (gently) say it, but I agree with you that it must be expressed. This current deactivation that's going on solidifies for me that if we continue (big if) it can't continue without a conversation about blowing me off. I cannot continue indefinitely like this. I love him, but I love me too! I love me a lot! And I didn't always, but I do, and I know that I am worthy and deserving of being loved freely too. I'm glad to hear this. Also, I think that tiptoeing around stuff can actually feed FA's fears. Having elephants in the room can make us feel like we are in a powder keg, and we're usually horrible about bringing it up if the other person isn't saying anything either. And it can be really bad if someone keeps silent about something but quietly starts to resent us and we can feel it, or the issue bursts out at particularly bad time or in a scary way. I've been on both sides of this. It can be extremely upsetting for me to realize someone was keeping something inside and feeling angry at me and didn't talk to me about it until they suddenly exploded (we FAs are very sensitive) and told us that this thing has been building for a long time. This makes me feel very unsafe, like I can't trust them to talk to me directly about things. Learning over time that we can actually have discussions with our partner about difficult things and that the person will share their feelings and needs with us without abandoning or attacking us is very valuable. This is all very true and great to take into consideration, but do you think it would be considered in the case of an FA who is not currently working on themselves seriously, and has a larger awareness about whats going on for them? I did all of these things and was the most caring, patient, and kind person I could be to my FA. Being loving and dependable which she seemed to appreciate and recognize. however the de activations and pushes to get you away can be severe when they aren't fully aware and caught in the middle of that. I don't think its healthy for anyone to get romantically attached to an FA who is not currently self aware or getting any help through their issues. Everyone is deserving of love of course, but getting emotionally entangled to the point of a sexual and romantic relationship with someone who is unaware or not prepared to work through their things just doesn't seem like its ever a healthy pairing for anyone involved or leads to anything positive or rewarding. I remember first reading about avoidant attachment and how a relationship with someone who is secure can help the insecure move more towards secure themselves. But someone with disorganized attachment and emotional trauma has a lot going on, that might not be rectified by having a solid and consistent oak tree of a person in their life, alone. And sometimes having someone not to feed their cycles can make the trauma come out worse, all of these things can be helpful and therapeutic if someone knew what was going on with them and was in full force of wanting to heal themselves and moving past everything that comes along the way as it comes up. But without those things in place a person will just handle the distress in the way which was always easiest for them for their own self preservation and survival. |
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 26, 2019 3:01:27 GMT
This is all very true and great to take into consideration, but do you think it would be considered in the case of an FA who is not currently working on themselves seriously, and has a larger awareness about whats going on for them? I did all of these things and was the most caring, patient, and kind person I could be to my FA. Being loving and dependable which she seemed to appreciate and recognize. however the de activations and pushes to get you away can be severe when they aren't fully aware and caught in the middle of that. I don't think its healthy for anyone to get romantically attached to an FA who is not currently self aware or getting any help through their issues. Everyone is deserving of love of course, but getting emotionally entangled to the point of a sexual and romantic relationship with someone who is unaware or not prepared to work through their things just doesn't seem like its ever a healthy pairing for anyone involved or leads to anything positive or rewarding. I remember first reading about avoidant attachment and how a relationship with someone who is secure can help the insecure move more towards secure themselves. But someone with disorganized attachment and emotional trauma has a lot going on, that might not be rectified by having a solid and consistent oak tree of a person in their life, alone. And sometimes having someone not to feed their cycles can make the trauma come out worse, all of these things can be helpful and therapeutic if someone knew what was going on with them and was in full force of wanting to heal themselves and moving past everything that comes along the way as it comes up. But without those things in place a person will just handle the distress in the way which was always easiest for them for their own self preservation and survival. I'm not sure I really understand what you are asking. I'm just saying that it's not actually helping either person to sweep things under the rug. I'm not saying that communicating gently and directly is going to magically cure one's partner's FA-ness. But it's better than the alternative of not saying anything about things that are bothering you, even with an unaware FA. They will feel more unsafe if they feel like neither of you can talk about anything or the rare occasion when you talk about tough issues it's a huge scary fight. And if simply speaking of it at all makes them flee, then I think it's for the best. My longest, healthiest, most secure relationship was with an oak tree who loved me unconditionally and no it didn't heal my attachment issues, but it did help. It was way less triggering to me than other relationships and it did help me in my healing, long before I knew a thing about attachment theory. And that particular relationship was quite secure for a considerable amount of time. But no, it didn't mean that I became secure and then everything was great forever. I still eventually deactivated and didn't understand what was going on. |
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Post by stu on Oct 26, 2019 3:19:49 GMT
This is all very true and great to take into consideration, but do you think it would be considered in the case of an FA who is not currently working on themselves seriously, and has a larger awareness about whats going on for them? I did all of these things and was the most caring, patient, and kind person I could be to my FA. Being loving and dependable which she seemed to appreciate and recognize. however the de activations and pushes to get you away can be severe when they aren't fully aware and caught in the middle of that. I don't think its healthy for anyone to get romantically attached to an FA who is not currently self aware or getting any help through their issues. Everyone is deserving of love of course, but getting emotionally entangled to the point of a sexual and romantic relationship with someone who is unaware or not prepared to work through their things just doesn't seem like its ever a healthy pairing for anyone involved or leads to anything positive or rewarding. I remember first reading about avoidant attachment and how a relationship with someone who is secure can help the insecure move more towards secure themselves. But someone with disorganized attachment and emotional trauma has a lot going on, that might not be rectified by having a solid and consistent oak tree of a person in their life, alone. And sometimes having someone not to feed their cycles can make the trauma come out worse, all of these things can be helpful and therapeutic if someone knew what was going on with them and was in full force of wanting to heal themselves and moving past everything that comes along the way as it comes up. But without those things in place a person will just handle the distress in the way which was always easiest for them for their own self preservation and survival. I'm not sure I really understand what you are asking. I'm just saying that it's not actually helping either person to sweep things under the rug. I'm not saying that communicating gently and directly is going to magically cure one's partner's FA-ness. But it's better than the alternative of not saying anything about things that are bothering you, even with an unaware FA. They will feel more unsafe if they feel like neither of you can talk about anything or the rare occasion when you talk about tough issues it's a huge scary fight. And if simply speaking of it at all makes them flee, then I think it's for the best. My longest, healthiest, most secure relationship was with an oak tree who loved me unconditionally and no it didn't heal my attachment issues, but it did help. It was way less triggering to me than other relationships and it did help me in my healing, long before I knew a thing about attachment theory. And that particular relationship was quite secure for a considerable amount of time. But no, it didn't mean that I became secure and then everything was great forever. I still eventually deactivated and didn't understand what was going on. I guess I was asking if you think being with an unaware FA would be a good idea for the OP. I think like you mentioned that certain things can help even an unaware FA, however eventually without awareness about what's going on or looking for guidance with challenges. At some point the de activation and pull away still happens. Maybe being with someone very secure, loving, and patient is very helpful in many ways. And is healing in different senses as well. But then there is the aspect of self work as well, and if the person is willing to move into that or not. Perhaps a relationship with a solid person can help them get comfortable and then along with that mentioning or having an open conversation about working through personal challenges and self growth could be put into an aspiration for both people to learn and grow together, and they get to do that. But I feel a lot of people myself included get into this situation where we do our best to be that person for someone, and give things are all. But in some cases the person will shut down and flee at the fear and push of their own inner pain when it comes up. I think some people just aren't in a place to be able to process it yet, no matter how much love and support they have on the outside. And for the other person the relationship or connection will just come to a sudden end. I guess I am referring to the idea of sticking around hoping that eventually things can turn for the better and change in a positive direction. But that's not seeing the situation or person as they are. And is focused on potential rather then reality. A lot of what I am saying is not totally sensical and abstract because im also talking through my own thoughts and recent experiences. And so some of my posts are coming out in a kind of stream of consciousness way. So do not worry if it doesn't all make complete sense haha. I am just trying to make sense of everything myself too. Im just really heart broken and confused myself because I tried to be all those things for my ex FA and was that guy. But I ended up being discarded and replaced by someone else in a very selfish and hurtful way anyways. |
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Post by happyidiot on Oct 26, 2019 3:31:30 GMT
I guess I was asking if you think being with an unaware FA would be a good idea for the OP. I think like you mentioned that certain things can help even an unaware FA, however eventually without awareness about what's going on or looking for guidance with challenges. At some point the de activation and pull away still happens. Maybe being with someone very secure, loving, and patient is very helpful in many ways. And is healing in different senses as well. But then there is the aspect of self work as well, and if the person is willing to move into that or not. Perhaps a relationship with a solid person can help them get comfortable and then along with that mentioning or having an open conversation about working through personal challenges and self growth could be put into an aspiration for both people to learn and grow together, and they get to do that. But I feel a lot of people myself included get into this situation where we do our best to be that person for someone, and give things are all. But in some cases the person will shut down and flee at the fear and push of their own inner pain when it comes up. I think some people just aren't in a place to be able to process it yet, no matter how much love and support they have on the outside. And for the other person the relationship or connection will just come to a sudden end. I guess I am referring to the idea of sticking around hoping that eventually things can turn for the better and change in a positive direction. But that's not seeing the situation or person as they are. And is focused on potential rather then reality. A lot of what I am saying is not totally sensical and abstract because im also talking through my own thoughts and recent experiences. And so some of my posts are coming out in a kind of stream of consciousness way. So do not worry if it doesn't all make complete sense haha. I am just trying to make sense of everything myself too. Well it's not necessarily my place to decide who is a "good idea" for someone to be with, because we are all looking for different things. Some people see relationships as valuable and opportunities for growth, even if they don't last forever. My secure ex who I broke up with never ever regretted being with me or thought it was a waste of time. I just do not think ghosting is cool, I find it cruel, and I suggest direct communication rather than tolerating it and acting like nothing happened. FAs can be treated with care and compassion towards our phobia of conflict, sure, but we don't need to be treated like fragile babies, everything on our terms, everyone staying silent about the slightest thing they think might upset us. If the FA person shuts down and flees then so be it. I say this as someone still reeling from my serious partner just shutting down and fleeing from me. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 26, 2019 3:34:15 GMT
I'm not sure I really understand what you are asking. I'm just saying that it's not actually helping either person to sweep things under the rug. I'm not saying that communicating gently and directly is going to magically cure one's partner's FA-ness. But it's better than the alternative of not saying anything about things that are bothering you, even with an unaware FA. They will feel more unsafe if they feel like neither of you can talk about anything or the rare occasion when you talk about tough issues it's a huge scary fight. And if simply speaking of it at all makes them flee, then I think it's for the best. My longest, healthiest, most secure relationship was with an oak tree who loved me unconditionally and no it didn't heal my attachment issues, but it did help. It was way less triggering to me than other relationships and it did help me in my healing, long before I knew a thing about attachment theory. And that particular relationship was quite secure for a considerable amount of time. But no, it didn't mean that I became secure and then everything was great forever. I still eventually deactivated and didn't understand what was going on. I guess I was asking if you think being with an unaware FA would be a good idea for the OP. I think like you mentioned that certain things can help even an unaware FA, however eventually without awareness about what's going on or looking for guidance with challenges. At some point the de activation and pull away still happens. Maybe being with someone very secure, loving, and patient is very helpful in many ways. And is healing in different senses as well. But then there is the aspect of self work as well, and if the person is willing to move into that or not. Perhaps a relationship with a solid person can help them get comfortable and then along with that mentioning or having an open conversation about working through personal challenges and self growth could be put into an aspiration for both people to learn and grow together, and they get to do that. But I feel a lot of people myself included get into this situation where we do our best to be that person for someone, and give things are all. But in some cases the person will shut down and flee at the fear and push of their own inner pain when it comes up. I think some people just aren't in a place to be able to process it yet, no matter how much love and support they have on the outside. And for the other person the relationship or connection will just come to a sudden end. I guess I am referring to the idea of sticking around hoping that eventually things can turn for the better and change in a positive direction. But that's not seeing the situation or person as they are. And is focused on potential rather then reality. A lot of what I am saying is not totally sensical and abstract because im also talking through my own thoughts and recent experiences. And so some of my posts are coming out in a kind of stream of consciousness way. So do not worry if it doesn't all make complete sense haha. I am just trying to make sense of everything myself too. Im just really heart broken and confused myself because I tried to be all those things for my ex FA and was that guy. But I ended up being discarded and replaced by someone else in a very selfish and hurtful way anyways. It was definitely a bit stream of consciousness, but I do understand! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experience. I think many of us can relate on some levels to a lot of it. Having once been a very insecure person who had a secure person love me, there wasn't anything he could have done at that time for me to love myself the way I needed to for us to have the best relationship we could have. It was only after self reflection and years of self awareness, analysis and therapy have I been able to truly love myself and therefore, love others. Now that I am able to love myself though, I seem to meet a whole lotta FAs! Is it payback? lol. I wish you the best and hope you continue to heal. I know how painful it has been for you. |
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