Post by lilyanna73 on Dec 13, 2019 21:23:29 GMT
I have been with an FA in an on/off relationship since April 2017. I didn't know about attachment styles then but I know a lot now about my own attachment (secure/anxious) and my partner (fearful avoidant/anxious).
I worked through a lot of my own attachment issues and I was doing very well with him as I was completely secure. Unfortunately I fell pregnant in May which my FA wasn't super happy about at first although he had been talking about me moving in with him next year (as we lived 30 mins apart). I told him I would do it alone if he didn't want to be involved but he took some time and decided he did so I met his family at end July. At our 12 week scan we found out we were having twins but that I miscarried at 10 weeks but it was missed miscarriage.
As you can imagine I fell apart (first pregnancy, twins, loss all in one go!) but he was good and was supportive of me for a few weeks after. I developed depression and anxiety as a result of the miscarriage. The loss also triggered my attachment style to swing back to anxious which meant that I found it difficult to comprehend his FA behaviour at times. I was too overwhelmed with my own emotions to think about how he was dealing with and how much all my emotions would have overwhelmed him. I was practically living with him for about 5 weeks after hospital surgery.
I mistakenly tried to get a bit deep with him on a few things as I felt him becoming distant. He told me he hasn't had time to really process what had happened and wants time to think about whether he is ready to try again with me effectively meaning he is choosing me as his future.
Once I started to get stronger and I was back at work but spending all my weekends with him. Mostly because we had things planned or he asked me to see him. I tried my best to give him some space when I could but I did feel like I was getting a bit needy as my anxious side had been triggered.
His affection had been off and on as he told me in August that he didn't want to have sex with me unless he was considering moving forward in a relationship with me. I didn't make an issue of it.
The distancing episodes increased but then in early October he initiated and we slept together. I figure we were back on track!
For the rest of October he was enthusiastic about making plans forward so we made plans to attend various things and booked flights to go to Budapest in February 2020 which would be our twins due date.
We went to our first wedding together end October which went great and after that we had planned to spend time together as we were both off work. However he became a bit cold and distant and told me he was feeling overwhelmed. He asked for space for a few days but my anxious side got the better of me and I basically explained that I thought we had issues because I'm AA and he is FA. I even sent him an article to read which he read and told me he did recognise himself in those behaviours.
I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks when he texted if I was attending an event he was going to (he noted my attendance on FB). We ended up speaking and I asked why he was asking me this after 2 weeks of not speaking to me when he was taking time to think about us. Probably wrong move..I know.
2 days later I felt like I needed to clear the air so I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk but he said he was too busy and we spoke for a bit. He told me he feels really overwhelmed by some of the things I have said about his behaviour and that I analyse too much. He told me he needs a more extended period of time to think about whether he wants to make this work with me as it would be for the rest of our lives.
I went for my walk but miscalculated the time it would take so I was stranded in the middle of nowhere in the dark with hardly any cell service. I had to call him to come and get me which he did thankfully. He asked me to go for food w him just as “friends” and told me not to read anything more into it.
We had a nice dinner but it was hard not bringing up what we have been talking about lately. He told me he felt like I was pushing him for a decision he isn’t ready to make and he feels a bit battered by all the psychological analysis I have thrown at him. I explained that the analysis helps me understand him better and it is my way of processing his behaviour. He told me again he is not sure of me and the way he is feeling but we are the best of friends and he cares deeply for me so he told me I need to give him more time for thoughts and feelings to settle a bit so he can make his decision. I said ok but I might not be there by the time he makes up his mind.
Since then I have respected his request but he text me after 10 days as I had posted on FB about a car accident I got into and asked if I was ok. Then he emailed me a thank you note to work email about an intro to a web design agency.
5 days later he wired me money he owed me from some time ago but I didn't acknowledge it. We still have keys to each others houses and quite a lot of my stuff is at his house but he hasn't mentioned about bringing it or me going to get my stuff. Having been to the house once to pick up something I needed the house was a mess and all my stuff was exactly where I left it 6 weeks ago. There's evidence he has been drinking on his own too so he isn't coping well with the last few weeks either and it makes me sad.
I haven't seen him for nearly 4 weeks and he sent the money about 10 days ago. I haven't responded not out of spite but because I wanted to give him the space to process everything and I do believe we have a chance as I am back in therapy and on medication for my anxiety and depression.
However I do feel like as an FA as he has tried a few times to reach out and he has been ignored he might not reach out on his own. We still have things to resolve but I wanted advice on the best way to reach out to him after this time out so he knows I wasn't ignoring him to punish him but to give him the space and time he needed.
I do believe he is willing to do the work but I guess I am a little afraid of reaching out as I want to do it in a way that doesn't overwhelm him?
Thank you for reading!
I worked through a lot of my own attachment issues and I was doing very well with him as I was completely secure. Unfortunately I fell pregnant in May which my FA wasn't super happy about at first although he had been talking about me moving in with him next year (as we lived 30 mins apart). I told him I would do it alone if he didn't want to be involved but he took some time and decided he did so I met his family at end July. At our 12 week scan we found out we were having twins but that I miscarried at 10 weeks but it was missed miscarriage.
As you can imagine I fell apart (first pregnancy, twins, loss all in one go!) but he was good and was supportive of me for a few weeks after. I developed depression and anxiety as a result of the miscarriage. The loss also triggered my attachment style to swing back to anxious which meant that I found it difficult to comprehend his FA behaviour at times. I was too overwhelmed with my own emotions to think about how he was dealing with and how much all my emotions would have overwhelmed him. I was practically living with him for about 5 weeks after hospital surgery.
I mistakenly tried to get a bit deep with him on a few things as I felt him becoming distant. He told me he hasn't had time to really process what had happened and wants time to think about whether he is ready to try again with me effectively meaning he is choosing me as his future.
Once I started to get stronger and I was back at work but spending all my weekends with him. Mostly because we had things planned or he asked me to see him. I tried my best to give him some space when I could but I did feel like I was getting a bit needy as my anxious side had been triggered.
His affection had been off and on as he told me in August that he didn't want to have sex with me unless he was considering moving forward in a relationship with me. I didn't make an issue of it.
The distancing episodes increased but then in early October he initiated and we slept together. I figure we were back on track!
For the rest of October he was enthusiastic about making plans forward so we made plans to attend various things and booked flights to go to Budapest in February 2020 which would be our twins due date.
We went to our first wedding together end October which went great and after that we had planned to spend time together as we were both off work. However he became a bit cold and distant and told me he was feeling overwhelmed. He asked for space for a few days but my anxious side got the better of me and I basically explained that I thought we had issues because I'm AA and he is FA. I even sent him an article to read which he read and told me he did recognise himself in those behaviours.
I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks when he texted if I was attending an event he was going to (he noted my attendance on FB). We ended up speaking and I asked why he was asking me this after 2 weeks of not speaking to me when he was taking time to think about us. Probably wrong move..I know.
2 days later I felt like I needed to clear the air so I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk but he said he was too busy and we spoke for a bit. He told me he feels really overwhelmed by some of the things I have said about his behaviour and that I analyse too much. He told me he needs a more extended period of time to think about whether he wants to make this work with me as it would be for the rest of our lives.
I went for my walk but miscalculated the time it would take so I was stranded in the middle of nowhere in the dark with hardly any cell service. I had to call him to come and get me which he did thankfully. He asked me to go for food w him just as “friends” and told me not to read anything more into it.
We had a nice dinner but it was hard not bringing up what we have been talking about lately. He told me he felt like I was pushing him for a decision he isn’t ready to make and he feels a bit battered by all the psychological analysis I have thrown at him. I explained that the analysis helps me understand him better and it is my way of processing his behaviour. He told me again he is not sure of me and the way he is feeling but we are the best of friends and he cares deeply for me so he told me I need to give him more time for thoughts and feelings to settle a bit so he can make his decision. I said ok but I might not be there by the time he makes up his mind.
Since then I have respected his request but he text me after 10 days as I had posted on FB about a car accident I got into and asked if I was ok. Then he emailed me a thank you note to work email about an intro to a web design agency.
5 days later he wired me money he owed me from some time ago but I didn't acknowledge it. We still have keys to each others houses and quite a lot of my stuff is at his house but he hasn't mentioned about bringing it or me going to get my stuff. Having been to the house once to pick up something I needed the house was a mess and all my stuff was exactly where I left it 6 weeks ago. There's evidence he has been drinking on his own too so he isn't coping well with the last few weeks either and it makes me sad.
I haven't seen him for nearly 4 weeks and he sent the money about 10 days ago. I haven't responded not out of spite but because I wanted to give him the space to process everything and I do believe we have a chance as I am back in therapy and on medication for my anxiety and depression.
However I do feel like as an FA as he has tried a few times to reach out and he has been ignored he might not reach out on his own. We still have things to resolve but I wanted advice on the best way to reach out to him after this time out so he knows I wasn't ignoring him to punish him but to give him the space and time he needed.
I do believe he is willing to do the work but I guess I am a little afraid of reaching out as I want to do it in a way that doesn't overwhelm him?
Thank you for reading!
