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Post by goldfish867 on Dec 22, 2019 23:58:54 GMT
Hi—
My ex broke up with me even though we loved eachother. Came back at three months twice telling me he loves me and he hadn’t wanted to break up but he needs to be alone while dealing with some other things. He just finalized custody of his 2yo daughter. Fatherhood is new to him.
We never spoke unkindly, I told him that I loved him even though I was frustrated, we have treated eachother with love and respect throughout the breakup.
He has me blocked because it’s easier for him (his phrasing) and although I can, I haven’t gone through it, never showed up on his doorstep etc.
Question is for FAs—
This man loves me but he’s scared. He even told me he was. How do I approach him in a way that is comfortable for him while ensuring that he can’t run away.
My thought is to simply tell him to meet me for dinner but I’m afraid he’ll chicken out.
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Post by amber on Dec 23, 2019 0:20:47 GMT
What was his reason for breaking up? How long were you together? Has he done this before/ is there a pattern? Does he have a similar r/ship history or breaking up when he has stress in his life?
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Post by anne12 on Dec 23, 2019 0:35:45 GMT
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Post by goldfish867 on Dec 23, 2019 0:36:41 GMT
He said he didn’t know more or understand but he was scared and he couldn’t identify why. But he was panicked.
We were together 6 months. He’d just been treated for cancer along with the custody fight.
He’s kept up with me from afar through certain of his friends.
I just can’t stand by and let fear ruin this. This is a man who gets stars in his eyes when he looks at me. I can tell he’s being sincere.
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Post by goldfish867 on Dec 23, 2019 0:42:21 GMT
Anne, that hit it on the head.
“The issue wasn't that he was withdrawing because of being afraid of intimacy with me—that requires a much higher level of development of the self. Rather, Jonathan cannot generate an active coping strategy to confront subjectively perceived overwhelming, dysregulating events, and thus he quickly accesses the passive survival strategy of disengagement and dissociation.”
I couldn’t articulate it but I believe he is trying as hard as he can and sincerely doesn’t know what is happening with him.
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Post by amber on Dec 23, 2019 1:29:57 GMT
They say DA/FA will deactivate around 3-6 months into r/ships once the honeymoon phase stops. My ex started distancing (he’s FA) around 5 months in. Someone can really love you but if they can’t shoe up and be an available partner to you love isn’t going to be enough ultimately. But only you can decide how long and how far you are willing to go with this. He is the only one who can deal with his fear, you can’t do that. So you have to decide whether you stick around and live with the illusion that by ubdersnfsding someone enough you can help change them. I have found the hard way it doesn’t ever work like that
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 23, 2019 4:54:22 GMT
Hi— My ex broke up with me even though we loved eachother. Came back at three months twice telling me he loves me and he hadn’t wanted to break up but he needs to be alone while dealing with some other things. He just finalized custody of his 2yo daughter. Fatherhood is new to him. We never spoke unkindly, I told him that I loved him even though I was frustrated, we have treated eachother with love and respect throughout the breakup. He has me blocked because it’s easier for him (his phrasing) and although I can, I haven’t gone through it, never showed up on his doorstep etc. Question is for FAs— This man loves me but he’s scared. He even told me he was. How do I approach him in a way that is comfortable for him while ensuring that he can’t run away. My thought is to simply tell him to meet me for dinner but I’m afraid he’ll chicken out. People can love each other and still be aware that it just is not the right time to be together. If he still has you blocked, now might not be the right time for a dinner invitation. I know it is challenging....but I would suggest waiting a bit more. |
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Post by serenity on Dec 23, 2019 23:46:45 GMT
Hugs, I feel you goldfish.
I wasn't able to walk away from my most recent FA bf when the honeymoon suddenly ended either. I loved him so much and we had so much going for us. I stayed another year, trying to get to know him and exploring what might be possible for us.
I came to the conclusion that my ex was traumatized by closeness, and it caused a PTSD reaction in him, along with the shifting mindset and dissociation of triggered trauma. I wondered if it could improve given time, but if it can, I never saw it.
The shifting mindset was the most harmful part of it for our relationship. When triggered by closeness, I'd become the enemy in his mind, and he'd go silent for days or weeks. Towards the end of our relationship, he'd occasionally explode too; it was rare but his verbal explosions showed me the depth of negativity he felt at that time. When the trigger passed, he could start to see me more objectively, but he held onto some negativity as well for months. We generally talked through most of this and resolved it eventually. But during that time when he saw me as the enemy, he would be hot and cold and I became subjected to intermittent reinforcement. The anxiety and stress was very harmful to my mental and physical wellbeing.
We are friends now through work, social and hobby connections. It freaking rough, because watching him move on to new crushes has been heart breaking and he has been callous with it at times. I wish I could have no contact for a long while, but I'd have to lose my job and community to accomplish it.
My attitude is I don't blame him for his condition, and I know he didn't ask for this. I would never expect a person who feels uncomfortable and triggered by closeness to endure it because I love them. He needs to live life his way, and I need to live life my way as well.
The whole situation is heart breaking.
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Post by goldfish867 on Dec 28, 2019 0:47:32 GMT
Thank you everyone. I need to figure out how to respond to each message in this UI but I appreciate your comments and am taking them to heart.
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