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Post by kittygirl on Dec 25, 2019 18:28:03 GMT
Woke up this morning to a text from him (sent at 4 am his time....wtf?) saying he drove through the city I live in and that he thought of me and merry Christmas. This was already painful as I basically haven't stopped thinking about him in the past 17 days since we talked last??? But it's also sort of humorous that he'd only think of me while driving through my town....it's so classic. ALso, I couldn't help but feel like it was very disrespectful for him to contact me because I said *I* would reach out when I was ready to be friends. I am not even CLOSE to being ready to communicate with him! I have been crying almost every day for the past week and a half. I need AT LEAST a month and a half before I'm ready to even think about texting. Not that im surprised-he demonstrates a lack of empathy when he deactivated etc so I don't know why I expected anything more now. Just thought he would respect me/us enough to leave me alone so we could be FRIENDS (which is what he claims he wants)
Asked my mom what I should do. She said "Don't ignore but it's your job now [name] to set the boundaries." Ugh. She's right. She's always right. I responded just saying "Merry Christmas". I don't want to open a dialog with him. Way too painful. But also don't want to ignore as I don't want someone to do that to me. The ONLY reason I really considered responding was because it's Christmas and I believe in the golden rule. But for me, the most caring thing a person could do is to give space when someone asks for it.
Anyway that really bummed me out for my Christmas. He shouldn't have that much power over me but he does still. I am journaling now every day and its been so eye opening. I know I will look back on this whole experience as a gift but SHIT he doesn't make it any easier. 
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Post by alexandra on Dec 25, 2019 20:16:07 GMT
kittygirl, the first time we broke up, I asked my FA for space and he would. Not. Give. It. To. Me. I was still AP and let him steamroll my boundaries for about 3 months in the name of "friendship", but I was in a bad state. I'd tell him I needed space yet I'd still respond, while feeling more and more disrespected by him. I finally told him I was going to block him because I needed to heal, and I did. This was a huge deal for me, as I never block people, and a big shift against my AP to put myself first. It was a really big first step in healing my AP! Not even just healing from the breakup. Also remember that FAs don't have good boundaries either, so he may not even mean to be disrespecting your needs, but don't let another dysfunctional person take the wheel. Protect your boundaries and don't do things on his terms. So what I'm saying is, I agree with your mom!
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Post by kittygirl on Dec 26, 2019 17:18:00 GMT
alexandra-Ah this is actually so helpful to know. I figured (assumed I guess) that if I made my wishes/expectations very clear that they would be honored (has always been the case in *all* my previous relationships!)-but it sounds like this wasn't the case for you either. As my mom said (and you are basically stating here) "If someone has no self awareness at all, how do you expect them to have awareness of someone else's needs?". I am hoping that the holidays just made him a bit emotional and that's why he reached out. I have some faith that he won't contact me again but if he does i will be forced to block (and explain why I'm doing so). If he wants me in his life as a friend (what he claims he wants though I'm not entirely sure he even knows what a genuine friendship with an ex would even look like?) then it's got to be on my terms. If he's not willing to do even THAT then this is a person I can't have in my life at all. AND NOT BECAUSE HES BAD OR DEFECTIVE (I want to make sure anyone reading this knows that)-hes a wonderful person. But because my own happiness and fulfillment has to come first or I can't even be a decent friend to the people I care about. I have to take care of myself!
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Post by alexandra on Dec 26, 2019 19:46:59 GMT
kittygirl Yes, when I blocked him but explained why, he twisted the story to be he was really doing me a favor and showing how much he cared by accepting my decision... which was fine, he protected his own feelings that way while being forced to leave me alone (a few months later he did run into a friend of mine and tried to send a message to me that way, but my friend didn't tell me until like a year later -- which I actually appreciated of my friend!). We were eventually able to become friends, but I only reopened communication once I was ready to do so and not before. Allowing him to push my boundaries, and him pushing them, really delayed us getting back on amicable terms though. I try to use this example to convince people on the other end to respect it when someone says they need/want space, too. Nothing made things worse for us for longer than him not respecting my wishes. I really wasn't sure I'd ever want to talk to him again when I blocked him, and I didn't want to reengage at all for a long time (in a real way, in a fantasy / rumination way I still thought about him daily for a few more months, no contact didn't work instantly). It took other new bad dating experiences and some attachment healing for me to get a different perspective and stop being angry about it. Which means nothing he did caused me to reopen communication, except do what I told him and give me the space until I was ready.
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