Trying to decide on what to do.... | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

Trying to decide on what to do.... Dec 27, 2019 23:29:00 GMT

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Post by answers on Dec 27, 2019 23:29:00 GMT

I dated a woman for 14 months who was diagnosed as Fearful Avoidant (a diagnosis she agreed with). It at least in part appeared to be from sexual abuse in her teens. She had been resistant to getting help for any of it though. At the end of this past August she broke up with me. The two months leading up to the end had been tumultuous. There were two significant incidences of lying were the dishonestly was pretty extreme and sadly it was over insignificant issues, making it all the more the puzzling. In the middle of August I broke up with her for a week, a first for me. We stayed in touch and ended up reconciling. We got back together for a week, during which she was hostile, mean and then ultimately broke up with me. At that point I had a bit of a meltdown and got overly upset over what had happened. In the two weeks immediately after the break up we had some contact but there was zero willingness to discuss the situation and explain what had happened.

Over the last four months contact was sporadic with completely inconsistent responses. We would text occasionally and then she would suddenly not respond (at which point I would let the conversation sit). She was newer to town when we met. Included in the the things I introduced her to were a hot yoga studio (which she joined) and a coffee shop (closer to my house but not terribly far from hers) I usually work out of. I began randomly running into her at each of these places. Sometimes she would ignore me, others I would get hostility and on one occasion she came up and hugged me. About two months into the breakup she did sit down at the coffee shop and talked to me for 20 minutes, a completely unplanned conversation. During the discussion she attributed the problems with the relationship being me reacting badly at the end and not to her ongoing dishonesty and behavior.

Throughout all of this I have taken the "high road" and not pushed for a conversation or sought to revisit the past. I have been consistently polite when I have seen her. The last time I sent a text was her Birthday, November 4th and the last time I saw her was at yoga on November 11th where I received a hug.

I've also used the last four months to work on myself quite a bit. I took a deep dive with a therapist about my own attachment issues and also worked with an energy healer on how my body responds to things. In short, my normal operating mode tends to be secure but I have a history of getting involved with FA woman and it triggering AP responses.

So my question for the group is this. I still very much love her and miss her. Given the work I have done her behavior would be a lot less triggering for me if at all. I'd like to reach out with a simple text of "Thinking about you, hope you are doing well." Is there any hope of opening up a dialogue with her after how hard she appears to have shut down? Is it intrusive of me to attempt any contact at this point?

Trying to decide on what to do.... Dec 28, 2019 5:47:33 GMT

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Post by alexandra on Dec 28, 2019 5:47:33 GMT

answers

"there was zero willingness to discuss the situation and explain what had happened."

"During the discussion she attributed the problems with the relationship being me reacting badly at the end and not to her ongoing dishonesty and behavior. "

It isn't intrusive to contact her, but my question is why do you want to? Just because you have done a lot of self-work and are seeing changes doesn't mean she has done any. Which means, the avoidance you see above, which strongly contributes to the problems in your relationship, will still be there. You can't take on more than 50% of the relationship and expect that will be satisfying for you. So why do you want to keep trying to make it work with the type that triggers you insecure, that you have to twist yourself into a pretzel with and force yourself to tolerate poor treatment instead of getting to just be you? There's something to be said for working on yourself, taking responsibility to heal your own insecure attachment, sure. But that doesn't mean being more tolerant of another person's trauma that they aren't working on and instead are taking out on you. It means growing to be capable of having strong boundaries, vulnerably honest and direct communication, and not projecting your own past issues onto another person or relationship.

She's not going to change, but if you are, then why tolerate less than you deserve? It's okay to keep searching for a partner who is more compatible with your needs rather than sticking it out for someone who is lying to you and not taking responsibility for their half of the relationship. Usually people who are "secure" but only attracted to insecure people (you say you have a history of being involved with FA) aren't as secure as they think. I applaud all your healing work you've been doing, including the therapy, but you're not fully healed yet and don't need someone triggering you anxious for an actual reason -- because of their bad behavior.

Maybe give yourself more time with this low/no contact so your perspective can shift along with the work you've been doing? It does take a while to really get somewhere within your own process.