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Post by DearLover on Sept 6, 2017 20:03:47 GMT
It has been a painful journey as I mourn my dad's death and the end of my 'relationship' with DA ex.
At least my dad's death served to make me realise that DAex was there just for fun times and only when he could be bothered.
It has been 13 days no contact. He is not trying to contact me so makes it easy...But I had to convince myself to stop wishing closure to stop pinning for an adult conversation where both parties say good bye and wish each other all the best. I did my bit and that is what matters to me now.
It has been now 3 days that don't check up on him online. I was constantly checking his Facebook (even though he doesn't even use it), his tweeter feed, his wahtsapp to see when he was last online and the dating website that he got back to after 2 days of our split. I was obsessed. I went as far as checking up all the ladies online on the website to try and guess which ones he is going choose next...Imagine, what a waste of time.
Then I got so sick of my own behaviour that I had to do something to change it. I realised that every time I though of him I just focused on the good, amazing moments over and over again. I started doing the opposite, started focusing on the silent treatments and mixed messages, the beginning of the emotional abuse.
It still didn't work.
Then I started concentrating on his biggest lie and my biggest deal breaker. When I met him I was looking for an alcohol /smoking free relationship. He knew it, it was on my profile, we spoke about it many times... We ended up drinking a little together a few times but decided to both quit. He as an ex-smoker, always talking about cigarettes and smoking and I always reminded him that if he started smoking again I would have no chance but split with him... Lo and behold, one day he rocks up in my house not only drunk which was a total turn off and triggered lots of bad memories from childhood and past relationships but also stinking of cigarette. He was honest about the cigarettes though and I even liked his behaviour better when he was drunk (he was so vulnerable, the mask came off) but then I knew that I couldn't build a relationship on having his authentic self only when he was drunk. Also it turned me off seeing that tall, handsome, athletic, strong, intelligent man staggering all over the place and looking at me with drunken eyes.
So, every time I dare miss him now I think of the image of him arriving drunk at my home and I imagine him smoking...Then I re assure myself that even if he wasn't a DA it wouldn't work anyway. This gives me comfort.
But another technique that I am finding incredible useful is watching videos on youtube about Narcissists! I know that DAex probably isn't a full blown narcissistic but the videos scare the hell out of me and makes me really grateful to be out of the relationship with him. Plus it gives me the strength to keep working on myself, healing and learning about my weakness and what to look out for in men so I don't make the same mistakes again.
I still cry and get sad. But is getting better now. Today was the best day since we split.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2017 20:13:45 GMT
I'm convinced that our crush is also chemical in nature. I wish there's a pill we can take to get over it. There is no future, our reason knows it, but the heart. Sigh..
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Post by satori on Sept 7, 2017 21:35:15 GMT
Honestly, I'm having a hard time getting over my ex. I keep thinking about her and what I went through with her. She had been both emotionally and verbally abusive to me throughout the last six and half years of our relationship. At the end she was so disrespectful towards me that she left me no other option but to leave. I've managed to do a lot of growth since we started dating. Once I made the connection that I equated her abuse as love due to my traumatic childhood attachment injuries it changed everything for me. The fact that the emotional pain is still lingering bothers me but I suspect that in due time those wounds will heal.
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 7, 2017 22:00:32 GMT
Honestly, I'm having a hard time getting over my ex. I keep thinking about her and what I went through with her. She had been both emotionally and verbally abusive to me throughout the last six and half years of our relationship. At the end she was so disrespectful towards me that she left me no other option but to leave. I've managed to do a lot of growth since we started dating. Once I made the connection that I equated her abuse as love due to my traumatic childhood attachment injuries it changed everything for me. The fact that the emotional pain is still lingering bothers me but I suspect that in due time those wounds will heal. I'm sorry to hear you went through this. It must have been very painful, but those wounds will heal! I'm single for 6 months now and I'm not obsessing anymore. The first few months I hated my ex and I really wanted to hurt him back. Now, I just hope he's happy and wish him all the best, although I still don't understand everything. You will find peace in knowing you deserve better  If you find it interesting, google "intermittent reinforcement in relationships". This is why relationships can feel like an addiction and why you keep obsessing so much. Knowing this helped me a lot. |
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Post by meimei on Sept 8, 2017 4:14:35 GMT
I've been avoiding Facebook or any social media. YouTube videos has been helpful for me. There's some reputable people on there and learning about "codependeny" has helped me to understand my relationship with my ex. With new knowledge, I feel more confident now in asking my therapist what I need from her in order to heal.
I will definitely have to google now" intermittent reinforcement in relationships."
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Post by meimei on Sept 8, 2017 4:21:52 GMT
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 8, 2017 9:46:04 GMT
I really hope it helps! There's also this thing called "cognitive dissonance" in relationships. This is what they talk about a lot in Youtube videos about narcissism. It's quite accurate. I actually love that there's an explanation to my "ridiculous" behavior. I used to feel so ashamed all the time, but when I found out about intermittent reinforcement and cognitive dissonance, I felt such a sense of relief. It is not entirely our fault we feel this way and there's no need to feel ashamed. A lot of people go through this (unfortunately). |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2017 13:39:31 GMT
Honestly, I'm having a hard time getting over my ex. I keep thinking about her and what I went through with her. She had been both emotionally and verbally abusive to me throughout the last six and half years of our relationship. At the end she was so disrespectful towards me that she left me no other option but to leave. I've managed to do a lot of growth since we started dating. Once I made the connection that I equated her abuse as love due to my traumatic childhood attachment injuries it changed everything for me. The fact that the emotional pain is still lingering bothers me but I suspect that in due time those wounds will heal. You seem to have grasped it, congratulations! If she is abusive, it is possible that she is not only avoidant but has a personality disorder.  No matter how long you stay enmeshed, there will likely be no light at the end of the tunnel. Waking up to this itself is a milestone, let this toxic "love" die and celebrate your rebirth. Thank you for providing this link - such a clear and comprehensible description. Indeed, this is exactly the yo-yo relationship we experience with Avoidants, and how we all got hooked, finally gave up and try to recover. Do you know of a site that might offer solutions to get rid of IR? It'll be such a great help. Finally, I wish there is a dating site out there that provides for singles like us, either anxious preoccupied or secure, where members are screened to exclude avoidants, and which offers a certain level of emotional safety. I think it would be hugely successful. I would love to start something like this. |
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Post by cricket on Sept 8, 2017 15:14:55 GMT
I really hope it helps! There's also this thing called "cognitive dissonance" in relationships. This is what they talk about a lot in Youtube videos about narcissism. It's quite accurate. I actually love that there's an explanation to my "ridiculous" behavior. I used to feel so ashamed all the time, but when I found out about intermittent reinforcement and cognitive dissonance, I felt such a sense of relief. It is not entirely our fault we feel this way and there's no need to feel ashamed. A lot of people go through this (unfortunately). Totally not your fault. Shame does not help in the growing or healing of ourselves so I'm really glad you came to the conclusion to let it go. Through these pains we can really learn how to love ourselves more and truly respect and honor our feelings. You went thru a lot so be patient with your process. This is about your journey, he was merely a detour that has his own messed up crap to contend w. |
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Post by serene13 on Sept 8, 2017 16:25:59 GMT
I really hope it helps! There's also this thing called "cognitive dissonance" in relationships. This is what they talk about a lot in Youtube videos about narcissism. It's quite accurate. I actually love that there's an explanation to my "ridiculous" behavior. I used to feel so ashamed all the time, but when I found out about intermittent reinforcement and cognitive dissonance, I felt such a sense of relief. It is not entirely our fault we feel this way and there's no need to feel ashamed. A lot of people go through this (unfortunately). Cognitive dissonance is a well-established psychological theory that can apply to a lot of situations. It has been described as a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviors. This produces a feeling of discomfort leading to a change in one of the attitudes, beliefs or behaviors to reduce the discomfort. I apply this theory to a lot of things in life - and yes it does apply to what individuals who are not avoidant go through when encountering avoidant behavior. It may also be one of the processes that goes on in an avoidant's mind. |
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Post by DearLover on Sept 8, 2017 18:21:06 GMT
Thank you for the link.
I still have a hint of sadness, I think I miss the idea of having a relationship but I am definitely not missing him anymore. In fact when I realise that I don't ever need to speak or see him again I feel very relieved.
I realise now that I wasn't completely my authentic self when I was with him, I wasn't 100% relaxed and this was wearing me out.
All go the good memories, all of the amazing moments we had together are now totally meaningless, it feels empty and shallow.
I am glad I've come to this point after so much despair and tears.
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Post by meimei on Sept 10, 2017 8:50:47 GMT
Dear Lover, I'm so sorry to hear about your father passing away..... you deserve a partner who will be there for you during hardships. Jaleesa, I found an easy to understand YouTube video on cognitive dissonance and the narcissist. Of course the cognitive dissonance can be applied to a list any relationship/type of attachment.. youtu.be/RCpH25M20Uc |
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 10, 2017 11:32:01 GMT
Dear Lover, I'm so sorry to hear about your father passing away..... you deserve a partner who will be there for you during hardships. Jaleesa, I found an easy to understand YouTube video on cognitive dissonance and the narcissist. Of course the cognitive dissonance can be applied to a list any relationship/type of attachment.. youtu.be/RCpH25M20UcThank you! This is so accurate. When my ex left me, I felt so brainwashed that I knew something wasn't right and after 6 years I finally started to talk about my relationship with friends. I would constantly ask "Is this normal? And is that normal?". My friends were shocked. They really helped me through this by constantly reassuring me that I wasn't crazy. I didn't know what was normal anymore. Lost myself completely. He flirted with and talked about other women and I was upset, but he said I was too sensitive and jealous. Okay then it must be me being too sensitive and jealous. He refused to help cleaning the house and it felt like I was his maid, but he said I had OCD. Okay then it must be me having OCD. And so on. When he actually was disrespectful, lazy and a pig. Does anyone recognize this? |
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Post by scarlett on Jan 1, 2018 23:56:23 GMT
Thank you for the link. I still have a hint of sadness, I think I miss the idea of having a relationship but I am definitely not missing him anymore. In fact when I realise that I don't ever need to speak or see him again I feel very relieved. I realise now that I wasn't completely my authentic self when I was with him, I wasn't 100% relaxed and this was wearing me out. All go the good memories, all of the amazing moments we had together are now totally meaningless, it feels empty and shallow. I am glad I've come to this point after so much despair and tears. Yeah, it's interesting...when they start to pull away (out of the blue, I might add) it really triggers our anxious/abandonment/rejection issues. Then it's pretty hard to go back to being your secure and happy self, it's like you're constantly monitoring your behavior, his/her behavior...ugh! So unhealthy. |
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No matter how long you stay enmeshed, there will likely be no light at the end of the tunnel. Waking up to this itself is a milestone, let this toxic "love" die and celebrate your rebirth.