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Post by lovebunny on Jan 2, 2021 19:33:46 GMT
I vote don't do it. What do you really think you'll get out of it? You didn't do anything wrong by unfriending him, it was an act of self-protection, something you had to do for your own emotional well being. I'm sure he wasn't devastated by it. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say.
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Post by trixie5179 on Jan 2, 2021 21:16:04 GMT
I vote don't do it. What do you really think you'll get out of it? You didn't do anything wrong by unfriending him, it was an act of self-protection, something you had to do for your own emotional well being. I'm sure he wasn't devastated by it. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say. Thanks for the advice. Honestly, I have a feeling he wouldn't even reply. I think even if he wanted to reply, he would be too afraid of confrontation based on his inability to communicate during the relationship. I definitely don't regret unfriending him, it was the best thing for me back then. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 3, 2021 0:21:24 GMT
I think if you reach out to an FA ex who you didn't end on spectacularly bad terms with, and you approached it calmly so they felt safe and assured you don't really want anything from them at all (and nothing else confusing and stressful was happening in their romantic life at the same time), they'd respond, in a neutral-to-positive way. But the question is, why would you want to? Doing so can re-start an anxious-avoidant cycle. And if he has changed, he'd do it on his time table and take the initiative and reach out to you. He is aware of his problems, and so far according to your post, has done nothing to actually work on them. If you are the one reaching out, I can almost assure you the dynamic will be exactly the same as before because he's still going in his own circles. Since this was 4 years ago, unless you have a compelling reason you want to reach out, I agree with lovebunny that you should let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe introspect on what's driving the desire to reach out and see if there's any other way to fulfill your need or if it indicates there's a deeper issue bothering you unrelated to the ex that's getting projected out as wanting to talk to him. |
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Post by trixie5179 on Jan 3, 2021 2:33:35 GMT
I think if you reach out to an FA ex who you didn't end on spectacularly bad terms with, and you approached it calmly so they felt safe and assured you don't really want anything from them at all (and nothing else confusing and stressful was happening in their romantic life at the same time), they'd respond, in a neutral-to-positive way. But the question is, why would you want to? Doing so can re-start an anxious-avoidant cycle. And if he has changed, he'd do it on his time table and take the initiative and reach out to you. He is aware of his problems, and so far according to your post, has done nothing to actually work on them. If you are the one reaching out, I can almost assure you the dynamic will be exactly the same as before because he's still going in his own circles. Since this was 4 years ago, unless you have a compelling reason you want to reach out, I agree with lovebunny that you should let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe introspect on what's driving the desire to reach out and see if there's any other way to fulfill your need or if it indicates there's a deeper issue bothering you unrelated to the ex that's getting projected out as wanting to talk to him. Those are all really good points. I really don't think he's become more self aware, and an anxious-avoidant cycle would definitely start. I'm really re-evaluating why I want to reach out at this point...Even if we could 'clear the air,' it probably wouldn't make me feel any better (since he hasn't changed). I may just be wanting to confirm that he doesn't think badly of me, because I tend to always want things to be on good terms. And trying to be friends wouldn't really be possible, since we both have felt more for each other pretty strongly. Sigh. Thanks again for the thoughts! |
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Post by annieb on Jan 3, 2021 14:36:11 GMT
It seems that clearing the air and wanting to be seen in a positive light by an avoidant is a trap some people seem to fall into. In reality it’s you trying to control how he sees you and by extension you see yourself. See if you can define yourself without that outsourcing. Because while controlling him is an illusion, controlling yourself and your own thoughts and feelings about you is a real possibility.
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Post by trixie5179 on Jan 3, 2021 15:58:25 GMT
It seems that clearing the air and wanting to be seen in a positive light by an avoidant is a trap some people seem to fall into. In reality it’s you trying to control how he sees you and by extension you see yourself. See if you can define yourself without that outsourcing. Because while controlling him is an illusion, controlling yourself and your own thoughts and feelings about you is a real possibility. Yes! I have a fear that he views me negatively or misunderstands me and therefore doesn't think well of our past relationship. It's definitely me wanting to control how he sees me. I think I still have some lingering guilt from crossing his invisible boundaries--I loved spending time with him, and didn't know he needed more space..I was just going along thinking everything was fine until he ended it. There's a lot more to it than just space though...I don't think he could emotionally handle a relationship, even if we saw each other less often. I do think I need to concentrate more on myself and what I can *actually* control. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 3, 2021 21:10:54 GMT
It seems that clearing the air and wanting to be seen in a positive light by an avoidant is a trap some people seem to fall into. In reality it’s you trying to control how he sees you and by extension you see yourself. See if you can define yourself without that outsourcing. Because while controlling him is an illusion, controlling yourself and your own thoughts and feelings about you is a real possibility. That is a really good insight. |
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