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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2021 1:07:33 GMT
Hello forum members.
I hope I posted this in the correct place.
I have a few posts on this forum previously regarding the same individual.
I have been in no contact for 5 months now. I was blocked when I wrote my other posts.
I noticed about 3 months ago, I was unblocked but didn't reach out. Last month we bump into one-another in town (small town), all was well.
We text back and forth a few. Nothing serious, friendly.
Then they blocked me, unblocked me send a reply, then I reply, I get blocked again. I asked them to meet up in the message for a coffee.
This unblocking then blocking has happened 10+ times in the space of a week. I am confused by it. Nothing negative has happened all interaction has been positive.
It has annoyed me immensely, it seems very immature and game playing.
Anyone had any experience, or advice what to do? (do I email and call them out "whats with the blocking and unblocking? is all okay?" or ...)
Any advice is appreciated.
regards,
HSP
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 27, 2021 2:58:56 GMT
Hello forum members. I hope I posted this in the correct place. I have a few posts on this forum previously regarding the same individual. I have been in no contact for 5 months now. I was blocked when I wrote my other posts. I noticed about 3 months ago, I was unblocked but didn't reach out. Last month we bump into one-another in town (small town), all was well. We text back and forth a few. Nothing serious, friendly. Then they blocked me, unblocked me send a reply, then I reply, I get blocked again. I asked them to meet up in the message for a coffee. This unblocking then blocking has happened 10+ times in the space of a week. I am confused by it. Nothing negative has happened all interaction has been positive. It has annoyed me immensely, it seems very immature and game playing. Anyone had any experience, or advice what to do? (do I email and call them out "whats with the blocking and unblocking? is all okay?" or ...) Any advice is appreciated. regards, HSP Hi there….given that this person is ot allowing for clear and open dialogue….what is it you are hoping to achieve by remaining in contact? The reason I ask is that it seems that this person is causing more frustration then happiness….and there are a lot of people who you could interact with who would not play games with you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2021 14:23:37 GMT
Hello Tnr9,
I understand where you are coming from fully. I ask myself this daily. I feel it is because I care deeply for this person, I love them you see. I am empathetic to their situation but frustrated by their current behaviour. It is so confusing with the love bombing and hovering, then devaluing and disregarding. It is a toxic cycle I am trying to break. I do go no contact now. But when they reach out it gives me hope they have changed. For a short while it seems that way, but then it happens again, I feel it may be somewhat unconscious to the person originally, but it has happened a few times now and I have made them aware of it. But they never want to discuss it, they invent some issue or bring up something from years gone by as a reason for ending things. Apart from one time, they said what they felt and needed, I said what I needed we agreed had a lovely afternoon everything was resolved, then they text me saying never contact me again drove away, and blocked me.
I think I am looking for understanding why they do this, which is why I found this forum, and read the books. They come from very authoritarian family who monitor every move they make (they would get angry if we had a weekend away they didn't organise or know about) and are self proclaimed narcissists(dinner table joke apparently, I never found it funny). My ex person is all over the place, but one thing is consistent they hide everything from their family. Which makes a healthy relationship impossible. Because of their behaviours and background they always feel what they are doing is wrong (being in a relationship) I see it as a family issue. Just an example of behaviours (my ex would say they were with friends for the weekend when we going away, their parents would call their friends asking to speak to my ex which of course got found out rather quickly).
Our relationship has always been open on my side, friends family etc...we have over the years amassed thousands of saved memories, but non of which have ever been shared with their family.
I feel for me personally I find it hard to deal with because it is a difficult situation, where I personally have done nothing wrong, and our relationship was great except for the surrounding issues described above. I understand there is nothing I can do for them, its hard because the growth we both were experiencing in the relationship was evident. Unfortunately that growth was uncomfortable for their family and they came down hard on them. Making them return to the comfort zone of doing as they are told. Which I feel is toxic.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 27, 2021 16:43:21 GMT
Hello Tnr9, I understand where you are coming from fully. I ask myself this daily. I feel it is because I care deeply for this person, I love them you see. I am empathetic to their situation but frustrated by their current behaviour. It is so confusing with the love bombing and hovering, then devaluing and disregarding. It is a toxic cycle I am trying to break. I do go no contact now. But when they reach out it gives me hope they have changed. For a short while it seems that way, but then it happens again, I feel it may be somewhat unconscious to the person originally, but it has happened a few times now and I have made them aware of it. But they never want to discuss it, they invent some issue or bring up something from years gone by as a reason for ending things. Apart from one time, they said what they felt and needed, I said what I needed we agreed had a lovely afternoon everything was resolved, then they text me saying never contact me again drove away, and blocked me. I think I am looking for understanding why they do this, which is why I found this forum, and read the books. They come from very authoritarian family who monitor every move they make (they would get angry if we had a weekend away they didn't organise or know about) and are self proclaimed narcissists(dinner table joke apparently, I never found it funny). My ex person is all over the place, but one thing is consistent they hide everything from their family. Which makes a healthy relationship impossible. Because of their behaviours and background they always feel what they are doing is wrong (being in a relationship) I see it as a family issue. Just an example of behaviours (my ex would say they were with friends for the weekend when we going away, their parents would call their friends asking to speak to my ex which of course got found out rather quickly). Our relationship has always been open on my side, friends family etc...we have over the years amassed thousands of saved memories, but non of which have ever been shared with their family. I feel for me personally I find it hard to deal with because it is a difficult situation, where I personally have done nothing wrong, and our relationship was great except for the surrounding issues described above. I understand there is nothing I can do for them, its hard because the growth we both were experiencing in the relationship was evident. Unfortunately that growth was uncomfortable for their family and they came down hard on them. Making them return to the comfort zone of doing as they are told. Which I feel is toxic. So…one thing I had to learn is that I can love a person and still recognize that I cannot be with that person. I love the last guy I dated….I will likely continue to love him for the kindnesses he showed me….but I also will never get back in touch with him because our dynamic was not a good fit for either of us and our friendship post breakup was truly a friendship on his side but me longing for more on my side. At some point, when you are ready…..take a piece of paper and write down every good thing you can think of about that person and the relationship you had….on the other side, write all the things that caused you to feel frustrated, ignored, sad, angry, scared etc. Which side of the paper is longer? The purpose of this exercise is to bring to light the reality of your situation versus the “hope” and “potential”. Who this person is showing you now is who that person is…it isn’t anything about you…it is who that person is…and it is ok to walk away with love. Realizing that you need a different partner who meets you halfway with openness and honesty.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2021 18:26:21 GMT
Thank you for your help, I truly appreciate your input. I like the exercise you have suggested and will in time write out the positives and negatives. i am not quite there yet. Do you have any other tools to help? I exercise and journal currently.
Thank you for your response, it is appreciated. It is very hard, walking away from someone you were so connected too. Even more so when you're a HSP, its a whole other level.
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Post by krolle on Jul 27, 2021 22:03:26 GMT
I don't have the link to hand. But there's a couple good threads about us HSP people. Join the crew. It'll do you good to discuss things with us.
In terms of what's going on with your former person then it sounds like there are a lot of issues there. Just blocking and unblocking you randomly for reasons you can't fathom. Im FA, so prone to flip flopping, and I wouldn't even do something like that. I think you are within your rights to be confused. I would be. Plus the stuff you said about their family dynamic. lots of red flags. I'd say the most likely reason you are blocked in between you guys talking is because they don't want someone to know you are texting them. They are controlling when they receive messages from you. sounds sketchy. plausible if the dynamic you said about their parents is true. But there could be more going on behind the scenes.
I also want to empathize with how hard it is to just cut ties with someone who you have significant feelings for. Even if it's for the best. There's an investment which goes beyond what is logical. For all intents and purposes basically an addiction.
I also want to empathize with your desire to understand what is going on. It's what brought most of us to this site most likely. Although not everyone thinks the same I actually found it really important to try work out what went on in my painful relationships. To understand the method to the madness. Both in my head and theirs. At least as much as is possible without being a mind reader.
Mainly because if you can understand the dynamics of it all you can learn from it. Then it's not quiet so much of a loss.
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Post by dullboat123 on Jul 28, 2021 0:33:53 GMT
Hello Tnr9, I understand where you are coming from fully. I ask myself this daily. I feel it is because I care deeply for this person, I love them you see. I am empathetic to their situation but frustrated by their current behaviour. It is so confusing with the love bombing and hovering, then devaluing and disregarding. It is a toxic cycle I am trying to break. I do go no contact now. But when they reach out it gives me hope they have changed. For a short while it seems that way, but then it happens again, I feel it may be somewhat unconscious to the person originally, but it has happened a few times now and I have made them aware of it. But they never want to discuss it, they invent some issue or bring up something from years gone by as a reason for ending things. Apart from one time, they said what they felt and needed, I said what I needed we agreed had a lovely afternoon everything was resolved, then they text me saying never contact me again drove away, and blocked me. I think I am looking for understanding why they do this, which is why I found this forum, and read the books. They come from very authoritarian family who monitor every move they make (they would get angry if we had a weekend away they didn't organise or know about) and are self proclaimed narcissists(dinner table joke apparently, I never found it funny). My ex person is all over the place, but one thing is consistent they hide everything from their family. Which makes a healthy relationship impossible. Because of their behaviours and background they always feel what they are doing is wrong (being in a relationship) I see it as a family issue. Just an example of behaviours (my ex would say they were with friends for the weekend when we going away, their parents would call their friends asking to speak to my ex which of course got found out rather quickly). Our relationship has always been open on my side, friends family etc...we have over the years amassed thousands of saved memories, but non of which have ever been shared with their family. I feel for me personally I find it hard to deal with because it is a difficult situation, where I personally have done nothing wrong, and our relationship was great except for the surrounding issues described above. I understand there is nothing I can do for them, its hard because the growth we both were experiencing in the relationship was evident. Unfortunately that growth was uncomfortable for their family and they came down hard on them. Making them return to the comfort zone of doing as they are told. Which I feel is toxic. Sounds like you're dealing with an avoidant - love bombing then devaluing, then block unblock, then string along, never involving you with her family......RUN. Confronting them is useless because (1) you'll get a bullshit story (2) they'll get angry and ultra defensive (3) you get blocked again.....either ways, there's no enjoyment out of this and you're certainly not getting into their pants. Focus your energy somewhere else. Not to mention, these people tend to mistake drama as intimacy. They might not tell you or they might not even realized it themselves, you reaching out and grovelling for their attention, is a massive power trip. They enjoy it. Don't give them that satisfaction. You deserve better. Read more of this forum and you will find that there are NO success stories with an avoidant. NONE. It all leads to heartbreaks, disappointment and damaging your psyche requiring a tremendous amount of therapy. Seriously, RUN as a form of self care and self protection. Blocking and unblocking is massively disrespectful. You're not a dog. Hell, people treat dogs better.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 28, 2021 3:53:57 GMT
Thank you for your help, I truly appreciate your input. I like the exercise you have suggested and will in time write out the positives and negatives. i am not quite there yet. Do you have any other tools to help? I exercise and journal currently. Thank you for your response, it is appreciated. It is very hard, walking away from someone you were so connected too. Even more so when you're a HSP, its a whole other level. I understand because I am an HSP also and struggle with walking away from someone I care about also…..I think having HSP is a double edged sword because it increases my ability to feel for the other person, but, I also tend to interpret motives etc. incorrectly. My therapist calls it being in love with a fantasy and not the actual person. And it does take time..it took me 3 years to finally decide to unfriend B and there are times I miss him…but what I miss is just a few amazing moments that he and I shared versus the roller coaster that I felt most of the time. Journaling is very good so keep at that. 🙂
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2021 9:01:41 GMT
I don't have the link to hand. But there's a couple good threads about us HSP people. Join the crew. It'll do you good to discuss things with us. In terms of what's going on with your former person then it sounds like there are a lot of issues there. Just blocking and unblocking you randomly for reasons you can't fathom. Im FA, so prone to flip flopping, and I wouldn't even do something like that. I think you are within your rights to be confused. I would be. Plus the stuff you said about their family dynamic. lots of red flags. I'd say the most likely reason you are blocked in between you guys talking is because they don't want someone to know you are texting them. They are controlling when they receive messages from you. sounds sketchy. plausible if the dynamic you said about their parents is true. But there could be more going on behind the scenes. I also want to empathize with how hard it is to just cut ties with someone who you have significant feelings for. Even if it's for the best. There's an investment which goes beyond what is logical. For all intents and purposes basically an addiction. I also want to empathize with your desire to understand what is going on. It's what brought most of us to this site most likely. Although not everyone thinks the same I actually found it really important to try work out what went on in my painful relationships. To understand the method to the madness. Both in my head and theirs. At least as much as is possible without being a mind reader. Mainly because if you can understand the dynamics of it all you can learn from it. Then it's not quiet so much of a loss. Krolle thank you for your input. I appreciate it. It is hard being a HSP feeling things so much more deeply than others. I dont fully understand it. Which means I dont think others would either. You are right so many red flags, I wasn't blind to them but for the greater good of the relationship I turned the volume down on them. Over time I feel I should have done the opposite. It would be interesting to see the links on HSP if available. All I am trying to do now is heal.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2021 9:13:36 GMT
Hello Tnr9, I understand where you are coming from fully. I ask myself this daily. I feel it is because I care deeply for this person, I love them you see. I am empathetic to their situation but frustrated by their current behaviour. It is so confusing with the love bombing and hovering, then devaluing and disregarding. It is a toxic cycle I am trying to break. I do go no contact now. But when they reach out it gives me hope they have changed. For a short while it seems that way, but then it happens again, I feel it may be somewhat unconscious to the person originally, but it has happened a few times now and I have made them aware of it. But they never want to discuss it, they invent some issue or bring up something from years gone by as a reason for ending things. Apart from one time, they said what they felt and needed, I said what I needed we agreed had a lovely afternoon everything was resolved, then they text me saying never contact me again drove away, and blocked me. I think I am looking for understanding why they do this, which is why I found this forum, and read the books. They come from very authoritarian family who monitor every move they make (they would get angry if we had a weekend away they didn't organise or know about) and are self proclaimed narcissists(dinner table joke apparently, I never found it funny). My ex person is all over the place, but one thing is consistent they hide everything from their family. Which makes a healthy relationship impossible. Because of their behaviours and background they always feel what they are doing is wrong (being in a relationship) I see it as a family issue. Just an example of behaviours (my ex would say they were with friends for the weekend when we going away, their parents would call their friends asking to speak to my ex which of course got found out rather quickly). Our relationship has always been open on my side, friends family etc...we have over the years amassed thousands of saved memories, but non of which have ever been shared with their family. I feel for me personally I find it hard to deal with because it is a difficult situation, where I personally have done nothing wrong, and our relationship was great except for the surrounding issues described above. I understand there is nothing I can do for them, its hard because the growth we both were experiencing in the relationship was evident. Unfortunately that growth was uncomfortable for their family and they came down hard on them. Making them return to the comfort zone of doing as they are told. Which I feel is toxic. Sounds like you're dealing with an avoidant - love bombing then devaluing, then block unblock, then string along, never involving you with her family......RUN. Confronting them is useless because (1) you'll get a bullshit story (2) they'll get angry and ultra defensive (3) you get blocked again.....either ways, there's no enjoyment out of this and you're certainly not getting into their pants. Focus your energy somewhere else. Not to mention, these people tend to mistake drama as intimacy. They might not tell you or they might not even realized it themselves, you reaching out and grovelling for their attention, is a massive power trip. They enjoy it. Don't give them that satisfaction. You deserve better. Read more of this forum and you will find that there are NO success stories with an avoidant. NONE. It all leads to heartbreaks, disappointment and damaging your psyche requiring a tremendous amount of therapy. Seriously, RUN as a form of self care and self protection. Blocking and unblocking is massively disrespectful. You're not a dog. Hell, people treat dogs better. Hello Dullboat123, I thought this too (Avoidant). I feel everything you said. I am not enjoying it, it was about establishing a life long partnership with them, one day they just switched it was so confusing. Regarding the drama as intimacy - this is interesting because I found when they are in a high stress state they come back or reach out. Once I have helped and they are not stressed they bail. Also aligning with that if I am in crisis and need help or genuine advice they block and bail, if they do give a reason it is usually blaming me for some (false or imagined) thing I did or they pick at random something from a past disagreement usually something small blown up to justify their leaving (An example would be they were 2 hours late for a dinner i booked, I cancelled it and they come to mine, when I ask where they were, I get accused of being controlling). I did call them out on it once and the response was "I am in my right not to want to see you or help you, you helped me, that was your choice, I didnt ask you too (but they did)". As for the power trip, again something that has come to mind recently When I get unblocked they dont reach out, I wait for weeks and months but I would eventually reach out (something i no longer do) they would then block me (why unblock in the first place) I think it is as you say a power trip or ego boost. Why is that??? Do you have any thoughts? I am now focusing on selfcare and working on healing.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2021 9:19:27 GMT
Thank you for your help, I truly appreciate your input. I like the exercise you have suggested and will in time write out the positives and negatives. i am not quite there yet. Do you have any other tools to help? I exercise and journal currently. Thank you for your response, it is appreciated. It is very hard, walking away from someone you were so connected too. Even more so when you're a HSP, its a whole other level. I understand because I am an HSP also and struggle with walking away from someone I care about also…..I think having HSP is a double edged sword because it increases my ability to feel for the other person, but, I also tend to interpret motives etc. incorrectly. My therapist calls it being in love with a fantasy and not the actual person. And it does take time..it took me 3 years to finally decide to unfriend B and there are times I miss him…but what I miss is just a few amazing moments that he and I shared versus the roller coaster that I felt most of the time. Journaling is very good so keep at that. 🙂 Tnr9 I like the analogy of the double edged sword, I have played this over in my head, who were they, did they ever love me, was it all in my head, smoke and mirrors etc. I will keep Journaling, I also exercise and talk about it with entrusted mutual friends. They find it difficult to believe sometimes, makes me think of something someone told me that its like they wear one mask for you in private and another for the perfect image they display in public, If there is risk of anything coming to the public eye they come down hard on you ensuring their reputation is flawless. I was told by a friend they went around a few months before actually breaking with me giving our friendship group inclinations they were going to break up. A friend said they were adamant that we (friends) know it is them (ex person) that broke up with me.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 29, 2021 11:24:36 GMT
I understand because I am an HSP also and struggle with walking away from someone I care about also…..I think having HSP is a double edged sword because it increases my ability to feel for the other person, but, I also tend to interpret motives etc. incorrectly. My therapist calls it being in love with a fantasy and not the actual person. And it does take time..it took me 3 years to finally decide to unfriend B and there are times I miss him…but what I miss is just a few amazing moments that he and I shared versus the roller coaster that I felt most of the time. Journaling is very good so keep at that. 🙂 Tnr9 I like the analogy of the double edged sword, I have played this over in my head, who were they, did they ever love me, was it all in my head, smoke and mirrors etc. I will keep Journaling, I also exercise and talk about it with entrusted mutual friends. They find it difficult to believe sometimes, makes me think of something someone told me that its like they wear one mask for you in private and another for the perfect image they display in public, If there is risk of anything coming to the public eye they come down hard on you ensuring their reputation is flawless. I was told by a friend they went around a few months before actually breaking with me giving our friendship group inclinations they were going to break up. A friend said they were adamant that we (friends) know it is them (ex person) that broke up with me. I am curious if the person you dated was actually a narcissist…..narcissists have a tendency to love bomb (come on really strong) and then after that person knows you are theirs…that person will begin to treat you differently before that person breaks up with you. It is a much more intense roller coaster ride then being with someone who has DA or FA attachment.it is really important right now for you to be your own advocate…I remember friends wanted me to be “over” B when I just wasn’t in that place yet. Put another way….take the time you need in order to process what you need to.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2021 16:51:47 GMT
Tnr9 I like the analogy of the double edged sword, I have played this over in my head, who were they, did they ever love me, was it all in my head, smoke and mirrors etc. I will keep Journaling, I also exercise and talk about it with entrusted mutual friends. They find it difficult to believe sometimes, makes me think of something someone told me that its like they wear one mask for you in private and another for the perfect image they display in public, If there is risk of anything coming to the public eye they come down hard on you ensuring their reputation is flawless. I was told by a friend they went around a few months before actually breaking with me giving our friendship group inclinations they were going to break up. A friend said they were adamant that we (friends) know it is them (ex person) that broke up with me. I am curious if the person you dated was actually a narcissist…..narcissists have a tendency to love bomb (come on really strong) and then after that person knows you are theirs…that person will begin to treat you differently before that person breaks up with you. It is a much more intense roller coaster ride then being with someone who has DA or FA attachment.it is really important right now for you to be your own advocate…I remember friends wanted me to be “over” B when I just wasn’t in that place yet. Put another way….take the time you need in order to process what you need to. Hi Tnr9 again thank you for your reply. I have wondered this too. So much leans toward avoidance and narcissism, I wonder if you can be both? I take point with what you said, take the time you need in order to process what you need to. I am doing that exact thing, every day, step by step, conversation on conversation. Lets see where it goes.
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Post by blacksnow2 on Jul 29, 2021 17:09:56 GMT
Hi, I am FA and I've done this blocking and unblocking thing (only with one person). It doesn't go deeper than "I act on an impulse and what I feel in the moment". I'm not actively TRYING to play a game, but that is definitely how it comes across.
It's possible, but with classic DA and FA, I wouldn't say most have a personality disorder, but rather to make up for their lack of self esteem and security, they act narcissistically. With DA's, their false self is pretty much almost all ego. With FA's, you'll get mainly 2 sides and they'll come off as 'covert narcs' instead, because they clearly don't like themselves (doormats and self deprecating) but at the same time have narcissistic moments (sometimes explosive anger and pushing people away).
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2021 23:40:19 GMT
Hi, I am FA and I've done this blocking and unblocking thing (only with one person). It doesn't go deeper than "I act on an impulse and what I feel in the moment". I'm not actively TRYING to play a game, but that is definitely how it comes across.
It's possible, but with classic DA and FA, I wouldn't say most have a personality disorder, but rather to make up for their lack of self esteem and security, they act narcissistically. With DA's, their false self is pretty much almost all ego. With FA's, you'll get mainly 2 sides and they'll come off as 'covert narcs' instead, because they clearly don't like themselves (doormats and self deprecating) but at the same time have narcissistic moments (sometimes explosive anger and pushing people away).
Hello blacksnow2 Thank you for sharing this. What made you do it to that one person in particular? (Just seeing if I may have done anything) Also do you feel its them or anything they do to cause this blocking and unblocking? The covert narc suggestion is interesting, I will read around this - thank you. Do you find that the closer someone is the more likely you are to push them away? Like for me it felt like because I was the closest anyone had ever got including family. I was in their inner circle which was me and them. They seemed later to be more comfortable with "friends" or what i would call acquaintances than their actual partner. They seemed to prefer superficial relationships over close ones, close meant vulnerability something they did not ever want to appear.
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