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Post by seeking on Dec 30, 2021 23:48:58 GMT
seeking You're replaying the same old script with her which is the routine that defines your relationship. When you deviate from it, she gets upset because what has worked for her is what works for her. It isn't fair or healthy but she's not going to bend or stretch to see anyone else's point of view because it makes her too uncomfortable or she simply can't. To have her in your life, even though it falls short of the fantasy definition of "sister," you are conditioned to keep responding this way (giving in, blaming yourself for being too intense, wondering if you're the one with the problem and her boundaries are healthy and secure). I don't think you've fully accepted this is who she is and decided on the kind of relationship you can tolerate to have with her going forward, which is why you keep going back and forth. I haven't read all of this yet but want to thank you for this much. I'm clearly pretty triggered right now - combined with my 50th coming up next week, the world being what it is, having an angsty 12-year-old at home with "nothing to do" and being bored, and I'm currently her only source of entertainment given ... the world being what it is, and a huge project I'm working on tirelessly and having to launch soon or we don't have money (I did just get a small business loan, which is saving us) - my own health issues, managing my parents, and witnessing the abuse that goes on in my parents household via my mom - worrying about her safety, I'm ready to break. So I'm trying to hold it together in the best way I know how - which is really just laying low, eating healthy, keeping it simple, and not really dealing with folks at the moment. Sometimes I just need a long break. Lots of other voices rattling off in my head about how I'm "putting barriers up" around myself, and la la la. But your words are helping to ground me right now and remind me of reality. I feel drunk. Like this is a weird addiction (like you said the "same old script" -) and I'm up for breaking it now, and doing what it takes, I just don't know exactly what that looks like at the moment. I basically just lashed out. And that's not really gonna help. Anyway, gonna eat my soup right now and ground and settle and give myself some space. Thank you for your input.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 31, 2021 1:07:41 GMT
I happened to see this today... hang in there
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Post by seeking on Dec 31, 2021 2:26:44 GMT
Alexandra, thank you. I worry that I have walls. That I really just shut down and I'm behind impossible walls. It's so confusing!
Anyway, I'm on a roll. I wrote to my sister, I wrote to my ex, I emailed the friend from my other post and I'm writing to an old friend where there's been a big rupture (though I don't actually know what it is) - just clearing out the old before the calendar year turns to 2022.
Thanks everyone for your support. I was in major freeze before. I couldn't move. This is definitely boatloads of trauma. But when I can move out if it, get into what Richard Schwartz would call "self energy" and take some action, it feels so so much better.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 31, 2021 3:59:41 GMT
Alexandra, thank you. I worry that I have walls. That I really just shut down and I'm behind impossible walls. It's so confusing! Anyway, I'm on a roll. I wrote to my sister, I wrote to my ex, I emailed the friend from my other post and I'm writing to an old friend where there's been a big rupture (though I don't actually know what it is) - just clearing out the old before the calendar year turns to 2022. Thanks everyone for your support. I was in major freeze before. I couldn't move. This is definitely boatloads of trauma. But when I can move out if it, get into what Richard Schwartz would call "self energy" and take some action, it feels so so much better. It is ok to have walls while you are processing through things…..heck, sometimes I have walls and moats…..just for an added layer of protection. The point is you are both self caring and finding ways to move forward. 🙂
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2021 4:49:38 GMT
seeking You're replaying the same old script with her which is the routine that defines your relationship. When you deviate from it, she gets upset because what has worked for her is what works for her. It isn't fair or healthy but she's not going to bend or stretch to see anyone else's point of view because it makes her too uncomfortable or she simply can't. To have her in your life, even though it falls short of the fantasy definition of "sister," you are conditioned to keep responding this way (giving in, blaming yourself for being too intense, wondering if you're the one with the problem and her boundaries are healthy and secure). I don't think you've fully accepted this is who she is and decided on the kind of relationship you can tolerate to have with her going forward, which is why you keep going back and forth. I haven't read all of this yet but want to thank you for this much. I'm clearly pretty triggered right now - combined with my 50th coming up next week, the world being what it is, having an angsty 12-year-old at home with "nothing to do" and being bored, and I'm currently her only source of entertainment given ... the world being what it is, and a huge project I'm working on tirelessly and having to launch soon or we don't have money (I did just get a small business loan, which is saving us) - my own health issues, managing my parents, and witnessing the abuse that goes on in my parents household via my mom - worrying about her safety, I'm ready to break. So I'm trying to hold it together in the best way I know how - which is really just laying low, eating healthy, keeping it simple, and not really dealing with folks at the moment. Sometimes I just need a long break. Lots of other voices rattling off in my head about how I'm "putting barriers up" around myself, and la la la. But your words are helping to ground me right now and remind me of reality. I feel drunk. Like this is a weird addiction (like you said the "same old script" -) and I'm up for breaking it now, and doing what it takes, I just don't know exactly what that looks like at the moment. I basically just lashed out. And that's not really gonna help. Anyway, gonna eat my soup right now and ground and settle and give myself some space. Thank you for your input. I am just past 50 myself, and I've been getting healthier every year for a few years now- welcome to the half century club! 😂 I'm a young 50's though, and it's just a number. I read , and maybe it was here- midlife is when a woman starts really reducing baggage and making great boundaries and coming into her own. I can tell you it's true for me and for almost all of the many midlife and beyond women I know (I deal with lots of women in my profession, we share a lot personally as well. ) It's a special time of becoming more authentic, more healed, more self and other aware, preparing for those golden years in which we can re-live the childhood we missed out on, wiser and happier. I've already begun doing that by pursuing things I never could when I was shut down and then when I was raising kids alone in tough circumstances. Just want to encourage you that you seem right on track to me. Rewrite the script! Change the story! Change the characters, be the hero in your own life. TRUST yourself!! Be the you that you are instead of the person that your family taught you to be. It's a time of breaking free and enjoying yourself more, enjoying your life and relationships more. Do YOU. You're doing fine even though it feels weird and wrong, you're outgrowing roles is all.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2021 4:58:34 GMT
Alexandra, thank you. I worry that I have walls. That I really just shut down and I'm behind impossible walls. It's so confusing! Anyway, I'm on a roll. I wrote to my sister, I wrote to my ex, I emailed the friend from my other post and I'm writing to an old friend where there's been a big rupture (though I don't actually know what it is) - just clearing out the old before the calendar year turns to 2022. Thanks everyone for your support. I was in major freeze before. I couldn't move. This is definitely boatloads of trauma. But when I can move out if it, get into what Richard Schwartz would call "self energy" and take some action, it feels so so much better. It is ok to have walls while you are processing through things…..heck, sometimes I have walls and moats…..just for an added layer of protection. The point is you are both self caring and finding ways to move forward. 🙂 I agree. When you have to regroup it's sometimes necessary to have those walls until you can figure yourself out a bit, then you can adjust. Try not to burn bridges in the process... until you're ready then torch 'em if that's what you know you need to do.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2021 5:31:22 GMT
It's funny because I just said something to my daughter's father too - not anything harsh - and at the same time, they both wrote back - my sister and my ex and wrote "huh" no punctuation. I think this is rude and immature, to text such a dismissive stupid word. It says more about the person pressing send than it does you. How old are we, 10? 😂
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Post by seeking on Dec 31, 2021 13:52:06 GMT
introvert, I appreciate you sharing. I had no idea there were other 50-year olds here. I feel like I'm always the oldest.
I'm glad you commented on the "huh" - I'm pretty hypersensitive, I realize. I own that. Probably on the spectrum, HSP, etc. all that classic stuff. And I think you put words to the "huh" - it feels passive aggressive, like there is so much communicated in that.
Just like my sister's frequent "oh" in text when I share something with her. What an odd thing to say. It's like reverse gray-rocking or something. Like I'm that crazy that all she can say is "Oh"
And then if you react to it, which I did yesterday - of course, you're crazy. Like who reacts to the word "oh?"
If she doesn't actually come today (her girls took tests) and I back-tracked, I will say something.
The friend I posted about in the other post just ended our friendship - I wrote her an email last night. And I shared "my side" and she said it's not going to work out.
Even though I don't think it was the healthiest relationship for me - not the worst, but definitely had aspects, I am just gonna be grieving my way through the new year, through turning 50. Not really what I hoped for. But just having a collection of people around just to have around isn't my goal either.
I think at the very least, my sister, and this friend, were helping assuage the intense feelings of loneliness. So it feels like a trade-off right now rather than a *good thing* - this is where I blame myself - if I could just be more ______________________ then I could have more relationships, etc. But I'm an old meany and like my ex once said I "push people away." I think there is truth to that. I think it's because I have a such a low tolerance for people behaving in certain ways and try as I might to be more understanding, I'm not. So I think what it comes down to is accepting myself until I'm willing to change or be different.... (Just thinking out loud here)
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Post by anne12 on Dec 31, 2021 14:18:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2021 15:48:52 GMT
introvert, I appreciate you sharing. I had no idea there were other 50-year olds here. I feel like I'm always the oldest. I'm glad you commented on the "huh" - I'm pretty hypersensitive, I realize. I own that. Probably on the spectrum, HSP, etc. all that classic stuff. And I think you put words to the "huh" - it feels passive aggressive, like there is so much communicated in that. Just like my sister's frequent "oh" in text when I share something with her. What an odd thing to say. It's like reverse gray-rocking or something. Like I'm that crazy that all she can say is "Oh" And then if you react to it, which I did yesterday - of course, you're crazy. Like who reacts to the word "oh?" If she doesn't actually come today (her girls took tests) and I back-tracked, I will say something. The friend I posted about in the other post just ended our friendship - I wrote her an email last night. And I shared "my side" and she said it's not going to work out. Even though I don't think it was the healthiest relationship for me - not the worst, but definitely had aspects, I am just gonna be grieving my way through the new year, through turning 50. Not really what I hoped for. But just having a collection of people around just to have around isn't my goal either. I think at the very least, my sister, and this friend, were helping assuage the intense feelings of loneliness. So it feels like a trade-off right now rather than a *good thing* - this is where I blame myself - if I could just be more ______________________ then I could have more relationships, etc. But I'm an old meany and like my ex once said I "push people away." I think there is truth to that. I think it's because I have a such a low tolerance for people behaving in certain ways and try as I might to be more understanding, I'm not. So I think what it comes down to is accepting myself until I'm willing to change or be different.... (Just thinking out loud here) It sounds like you're having a reflexive shame wave wash over you, maybe. I mean the second guessing yourself, with the ending of the friendship after expressing yourself. So, you're calling up the things people have said that are critical, but let me tell you, the worst person to turn to for their opinion of you is an ex Here's what I see... You've pushed away some toxic relationships. There's merit I believe to the idea that we vibe with people on the same wavelength... until we don't. Up til now, you've been insecure enough to plod along in those relationships, but you're outgrowing that vibration. The drama, the rudeness, the self centered behaviors. Take some time to take good care of yourself, in your loneliness... you need new friends and they will come. I've been in that kind of transition before too. You're sensitive, I am HSP too... but since that's the case you will need to honor that and choose less abrasive relationships with healthier people. I am not at a point in my life where I could sustain relationships with stuck people. I could when Ivwas stuck and not moving in a direction of health and transformation, but not now- I need quality companions who are also oriented toward growth and self awareness. You seem to have a lot more self awareness than those around you. As HSP this doesn't surprise me. So, seek people who are actively trying to evolve, like you are. Your circle of friends should be like minded and supportive and able to evolve with you. So for now, yes it's lonely. Stay true to your intention to become healthier, and to find reciprocal relationships that celebrate who you are instead of condemn or criticize- and seek relationships with people you respect, and admire (but not put on a pedestal). Please practice very good self care as you become your truest friend right now. Do you have a therapist or someone who can help you through all the intense situations in your life right now? That stuff could make anyone feel crazy. Don't take it all on as a you problem. It's just dynamics that you are outgrowing and growth isn't cushy, it can be very hard sometimes.
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Post by seeking on Dec 31, 2021 16:28:16 GMT
Introvert, you're really kind to keep at this with me - everyone here is. Annie12, I'll look forward to reading those links.
I'm really struggling and what I think is happening is I'm actually breaking through the old script/pattern as you've all pointed out is at play here. I once had a co-dependency therapist years ago tell me - it's like you get half way up to the well and you stop and turn around. That's what this reminds me of. There's a well up on the hill I can drink from that would fulfill me, but I kind of stop and question and doubt. And I see where I'm spinning with this.
I was so hurt by my friend. I really just spoke my truth in that email. I told her it wasn't my communication method of choice but that last time we tried to talk she wasn't willing to hear my end. And I thought if she was, she can just read it whenever. And while I realize it was very direct and maybe not what she wanted to hear - and I had to spell out some clear boundaries (because I did realize, upon further reflection, she seems to have some unhealthy entitlement stuff going on) and say directly, I'd like a friendship going forward but I don't want to be your therapist (she has said something about how I "should have known" she was dissociating - because that's what I do for a living) - and I just said, maybe. But I wasn't wearing that hat at the moment. I was being a friend, and I don't want their to be the expectation that I am being your therapist. Anyway, I told my mom about it this morning. And just hearing myself talk and my mom's reaction, it became clear to me that this was rather unhealthy and really not something I need in my life right now. The few crumbs of support I'd get from her or conversations about things in my life were what I was hanging on to - or the times she could talk about stuff other than her divorce (which is highly dramatic) - and that's exactly how it is with my sister. I'd like bend over backwards on the one day of the year she can come over and see my house and my decorations and my kid because otherwise she really doesn't connect or get together. I'm willing to put our health at risk or give her a day that I want to myself....
So hearing myself made me kinda go - this is a good thing. Not how I intended it to happen or end. But if it needed to, so be it. I blame myself ALL THE TIME. I take things on because other people don't own their part. So the reflexive shame thing is spot on.
My friend totally could have responded "Oh, now that you say it that way, yeah, I can see how you would have felt that." And both of us owned our parts and moved on. But she just said "This isn't going to work. Thanks for the support you gave me. Good luck." Even though I said to her if it was going to end could we do it consciously and kindly. Anyway, I know she doesn't have the capacity to really be in a healthy adult space right now. I've not always been able to either. ...
More soon - you guys give me so much rich good feedback, it takes me a little while to digest....I really appreciate it.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2021 17:49:24 GMT
seeking, to me it does sound like it is time for that connection to end. You need friends who are peers, not the therapist/client dynamic. And just be aware of your tendency to be in that role with people, going forward. I have found the kind of reciprocity, peer to peer friendships that I need and want, there are no underdog/overdog or other imbalances. These are relationships where the sharing is equal and easy, the sister bonds I've not had previously in my life. We are confidants, true equals. We have TRUST and respect, and no drama at all! This is not because of avoidance of conflict, but because we are mature women who are self aware and there really isn't anything to have conflict about. I have DA roots and am working toward secure and am in secure dynamics with friends. All the sages say, choose your friends wisely. Those of us with insecure styles just "end up" in friendships that meet us at our level, but as we grow we have to consciously change our friendships just like we have to change our romantic relationships. (and family relationships). I had a very similar dynamic with a female friend years ago. It was always all about her, her dramas and I was her "rock". She constantly needed support or an ear, but was always on the way out the door or something if I called her. She was kind of parasitic actually, not with money or resources but with time and presence she had nothing to offer, always needed to take. Our friendship had grown out of a mutual interest and then just continued in an unhealthy lopsided fashion through the years. One day I realized she had never bothered to come see my new home, or have tea in my kitchen. I don't often have people over but it struck me, she never even showed interest in my world at all. When we met, that suited me because I didn't feel I needed anything in a friendship really. But as I became healthier, and more emotionally available to myself, my standards changed. I woke up one day and just ended it, it was beyond repair by the time I woke up from my own daze. It had been years of this. I was sleepwalking through her world haha. I expressed myself kindly but firmly and resolved to be more aware of how I operate, and the friends I choose, going forward. Someone said people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I get that, it really is true. I have evolved and my relationships must also evolve. I have some lifetime friends now- but before I grew to this point I couldn't and wouldn't have chosen them. They choose me too. It's mutual, and so comfortable. Have a great day, make it good. You will get through this process and be thankful for it, I predict.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 31, 2021 18:26:44 GMT
Just popping in to say I am mid 50s….as in 54…..and this is truly the best time of my life. Although I am not in a relationship and still have occasional anxious/avoidant responses…..I feel I am finally able to be me and be ok in it! One of the best things I did was finding a somatic experiencing therapist to work on all the trauma I held in my body. It was so surprising to me how I had numbed my body through the years…it meant I was unable to define where I ended and someone else began. As I addressed the boundary of “me”….I was able to take things less personally, I was able to stand for myself, I was able to dwell less and I was able to heal old perspectives which made me feel responsible for others and made them responsible for me….I now own my life and my life only…phew…huge relief.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2021 18:26:55 GMT
Also wanted to add- it's important to have a clear understanding of what you want and can offer in a friendship, as you explore more relationships down the road.
Take your time growing a friendship- don't rush in. Let a person demonstrate their character and values over time, this requires good boundaries in both people. That's how I have cultivated my current relationships, all of them, instead of being thrown together through circumstances. I have learned a lot about courtesy and mindfulness in relationships, I've had some great examples in the women I know now (and my boyfriend as well!) . I appreciate courtesy, it's very important to me. I don't engage in or enjoy harsh behavior, or rudeness with the people in my close circle. Some people take their stress out on everyone close to them, it's an entitlement that offends me. So, I am surrounded by courtesy now, and I also offer it. Even an acquaintance relationship won't bloom without courtesy, that's my starting point. Good things can grow from there but without that, I won't invest a thing.
**this is not to say people can't have a bad day, or will only experience intolerance from me! I have bad days too, when I need grace. Sometimes you can just provide some humor or a soft place and people can re-set... What I am talking about is people whose personality is habitually rude. I count that as a lack of the self-awareness I need in my relationships.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2021 18:27:45 GMT
Just popping in to say I am mid 50s….as in 54…..and this is truly the best time of my life. Although I am not in a relationship and still have occasional anxious/avoidant responses…..I feel I am finally able to be me and be ok in it! One of the best things I did was finding a somatic experiencing therapist to work on all the trauma I held in my body. It was so surprising to me how I had numbed my body through the years…it meant I was unable to define where I ended and someone else else began. As I addressed the boundary of “me”….I was able to take things less personally, I was able to stand for myself, I was able to dwell less and I was able to heal old perspectives which made me feel responsible for others and made them responsible for me….I now own my life and my life only…phew…huge relief. 🧡🧡🧡 Hi, happy 50-something! I didn't know!
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