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Post by tinnat on Apr 25, 2022 9:55:21 GMT
How likely are DAs (or FAs) to seek sex with a third party (one-night stands) when they start to feel closer to their new partner?
I realise the contradiction of the situation, but I wonder to what extent my new long-distance partner has turned to the occasional one-night stand, given his lack of transparency recently despite our ever-closer emotional connection (with no words of commitment from his side, but micro-steps forward). When we meet in person (once a month) he is almost clingy (which I love!). But when we're on the other side of the Continent, he tends to be emotionally distant. For example he tends to wait until I start a text chat, although then he will usually reply within literally 2 minutes.
We are still in situationship-land - he knows I am invested deeply because I told him, but I understand that he is afraid because he has been very badly hurt before by another woman (or many). Unfortunately his communication style is abysmal - he sidesteps any attempt to communicate about "us". On the other hand, he has told me that I am in his trust circle.
Hence my very serious doubts about whether I want to continue in this situation - I am fine to go slow, but he needs to tell me this, since otherwise I will assume that he is not really interested in me. I have tried to tell him about the need to communicate, but I have no indication if he has even understood my need.
I appreciate any input on the above points.
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Post by introvert on Apr 25, 2022 13:31:37 GMT
There is no reason to think that this will progress, and just because you have growing investment does not mean he does. I would caution you about reading signs of unavailability and even suspicions of outside sexual encounters as signs of growing closer to you. It seems you are on one hand, recognizing that this situation is a no-go and on the other, looking for ways to imagine that it's what you want it to be.
How long it takes to respond to a text means nothing either way, or at least you can't take it as a sign of growing interest. You can take it as a sign of maintaining the situation, for what it is, right now, if you take it for anything.
Best of luck, and try reading Baggage Reclaim, the author of that site writes a lot about trying to get a relationship out of something like this.
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Post by annieb on Apr 25, 2022 14:28:32 GMT
tinnat you have to decide what your values and expectations are in a relationship and decide if this is the one for you. Are you comfortable that the person you love and are in a relationship with is distant and goes out of his way to create more distance by engaging in affairs and one night stands, jeopardizing your sexual health and minimizing your relationship. Are you sure this is what you want in your life? And if it is l, does it make you happy and content?
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Post by alexandra on Apr 25, 2022 18:39:26 GMT
tinnat, what are you potentially getting out of this situation? What needs are being met by someone you have to chase, be confused by, and be worried about when he's not around (which is most of the time)? Why is it satisfying for you to have your anxiety relieved once a month when he's clingy, but you're otherwise on an emotional roller coaster? His attachment is not the issue here. Neither is whether he's interested enough in you or not. (He might be, but he sounds like a mess in regards to showing up as a good partner.) The issue is the situation isn't right for you but you're trying to compromise with yourself to stick around, and looking for explanations to justify that decision to put yourself last. Even if he is acting out in FA or DA patterns, don't you deserve a relationship that doesn't make you walk on eggshells? Anyone who says they've been hurt by past partners, especially if it's many past partners, and uses it as an excuse to be flaky hasn't dealt with their issues and isn't ready to show up for a real commitment and connection. That's because instead of processing and learning from their experiences and moving on, they are projecting their own issues out onto the past partners and blaming them and staying stuck. Lots of people have been hurt by bad matches, unmet expectations, or dating flat out terrible people. But they don't take those experiences and project them onto every new person, they work on healing and moving on so they don't have lingering trust issues. Trust issues often come from an inability to have healthy boundaries in the first place, before even getting into these negative dating situations. There's difficulty trusting self and others and separating the feelings about their bad behavior from the feelings that you've got your own back and will be okay no matter what. You are strong enough to leave if people are hurting you, you learn not to trust THEM but you also know everyone is different, and you take the time to observe if the next potential partner is consistent and worth investing in, and you build trust together. If you're looking for a serious relationship, that's the kind of person you can take seriously. That doesn't sound like where he's at. Your instinct to move on here is the correct one, in my opinion.
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 91
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 25, 2022 20:03:49 GMT
I'm dismissive leaning FA. I have cheated before for extended periods but it's not my ideal thing at all. I think I'd prefer once a month too having multiple commitments. I think DA are even less likely to have multiple partners.
If he still wants to see you every month and answers your texts always withing a few minutes why would you even suspect that he cheats?
I agree with the others that essentially it's up to you decide if you feel good pursuing this relationship. To me you your behavior/ reaction comes across as very AP leaning. I would focus also on putting s bit of time and effort into researching that and the trap that can occur in DA/AP interactions because between the two threads you started there seems to be a lot of assumptions about some fairly serious matters.
You said he is in therapy, have you done any work on yourself?
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Post by introvert on Apr 25, 2022 22:39:32 GMT
I'm dismissive leaning FA. I have cheated before for extended periods but it's not my ideal thing at all. I think I'd prefer once a month too having multiple commitments. I think DA are even less likely to have multiple partners. If he still wants to see you every month and answers your texts always withing a few minutes why would you even suspect that he cheats? I agree with the others that essentially it's up to you decide if you feel good pursuing this relationship. To me you your behavior/ reaction comes across as very AP leaning. I would focus also on putting s bit of time and effort into researching that and the trap that can occur in DA/AP interactions because between the two threads you started there seems to be a lot of assumptions about some fairly serious matters. You said he is in therapy, have you done any work on yourself? Agree with all of this, and add... A very common pattern with Anxious Preoccupied attachment is to bypass their inner signals and try to find hope by consulting the Internet Oracle. What you need to know to understand what it happening is contained in the little bits that you don't want to be true. If you can look at exactly what you know, and differentiate your hope/fantasy from the uncomfortable truth, then embrace the comfortable truth and reject the fantasy.... problem solved. If you have difficulty doing that it's a good indicator that your own attachment style is anxious insecure. AP attachment style will have you trying to get a relationship from impossible sources, until you address your own psychology instead of trying to decipher what might be going on in the psychology of others. There's a great thread about AP/Ambivalent style in the general forum if you're interested.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 25, 2022 22:55:51 GMT
How likely are DAs (or FAs) to seek sex with a third party (one-night stands) when they start to feel closer to their new partner? I realise the contradiction of the situation, but I wonder to what extent my new long-distance partner has turned to the occasional one-night stand, given his lack of transparency recently despite our ever-closer emotional connection (with no words of commitment from his side, but micro-steps forward). When we meet in person (once a month) he is almost clingy (which I love!). But when we're on the other side of the Continent, he tends to be emotionally distant. For example he tends to wait until I start a text chat, although then he will usually reply within literally 2 minutes. We are still in situationship-land - he knows I am invested deeply because I told him, but I understand that he is afraid because he has been very badly hurt before by another woman (or many). Unfortunately his communication style is abysmal - he sidesteps any attempt to communicate about "us". On the other hand, he has told me that I am in his trust circle. Hence my very serious doubts about whether I want to continue in this situation - I am fine to go slow, but he needs to tell me this, since otherwise I will assume that he is not really interested in me. I have tried to tell him about the need to communicate, but I have no indication if he has even understood my need. I appreciate any input on the above points. I understand where you are coming from…but if he doesn’t have actions and words that are congruent with each other…then what you are doing is mind reading. What you have will continue to be a situational interaction until he can both speak and act like you are more to him. I know that is not what you want to hear…but having gone through this myself…I would warn against looking at micro “movements” over macro “silences”.
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Post by introvert on Apr 25, 2022 23:31:54 GMT
For anyone in a situation like this, it's good to know that things like answering quickly, being super attentive in person.... those are things that work to keep the hopeful person invested. As disappointing as it may be, some people protect their own interests while taking advantage of other people. But are they that sneaky? No, they aren't. If you sign up for a situationship, you signed up. They never promise more, you never get more. You want to talk about it, they don't, because that is not the arrangement they made with you. They can add bells and whistles like quick replies and cutesy snuggles, but those are perks of the deal you signed up for. They won't upgrade the situationship, they will just make it comfortable enough for you to keep on riding the ride. Who wants a crappy situationship that feels rotten? I was once told "This is only sex but I don't want it to feel like cheap sex!" 😂 When you ask an honest question sometimes you get an honest answer. And silence IS an answer (that says.... refer back to the arrangement you entered into).
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