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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 3, 2017 16:22:14 GMT
I went on a very fun date with a younger guy. Full disclosure, we had a very specific purpose for our connection as he said he was in town for one month. I was VERY clear what I was seeking, that I was not wanting a hook up at all, but would be fine having a month long fling.
Since we were on a tight time line, I sent a text the next night saying how nice it was to meet him and hoping his first day in town went well. No response. I waited two more days and then just got mad.
Some of you know I was basically ghosted by my sweetie of 18 months, so this man? This one date that went extremely well? I was not going to be the "victim" here.
I want to point out that it was him who mentioned how well we were getting along, how easily it was to be around me, how well our bodies fit together. How much he was excited to be with me agin and again and again....
And when parting, he walked me to my car saying he'd see me soon and he'd text me. My response, silently, was, yeah, right....
So, I did something I've never done before. I used someone else phone to text him. The only option here was that he was in a coma. Any other excuses wouldn't fly with me.
I pretended to be an old friend. Immediately he responded with "who is this".
And I let him know.
I said "This is someone who cares a lot about someone you just dumped on. She is an amazing woman and it is YOUR loss. You should be ashamed of yourself".
I cannot believe I did this and I guess this is my confession.
I HAD to know what was happening. A friend or two said, give him time or what does it matter?
It freaking matters!!!!
It matters because people aren't being honest. It matters because I am honest and brave and take risks and I want there to be more people like me in they world.
I needed to KNOW he is an asshole, not just guess.
This is the first man I let myself be with after my ex DA and this is how I chose? Obviously not ready for dating....or playing....whatever....
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Post by inspiring on Dec 3, 2017 16:45:38 GMT
Hm, stellar1969 , it's really hard to tell what is going on inside this man as it always is. The thing is in dating.....those things happen for all kind of reasons......just not into the person, realizing one is not ready for this, a player, etc.. Of course, he could just be honest and tell you whatever it is but some people are not like this. The more interesting part is what is going inside of you. Are you really sure that you were seeking that? Is there a possibility that you wanted to have your needs met? Whatever these needs are (closeness, confirmation, etc..) What kind of feelings are coming up while not hearing from him? Why is it so important to hear from a person you only want to have a one-month fling with? What do you really feel for him? What do you feel about yourself? Are you really ready for a fun date? Sorry for being that direct but I think listing you all kind of possible reasons for his behaviour won't help you. This is about you. And this is only an assumption....I don't claim this is true.....but to me it seems as if a fling is not really what are you seeking for. And in the bigger picture, you get what you want or more precisely, you don't get what you don't want: a fling. |
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Post by scheme00 on Dec 3, 2017 18:43:35 GMT
You're not ready to date yet. You're damaged goods right now. Putting up barriers...silently saying "yeah right" and then it really bothers you when you don't hear from him and use someone else's phone? So many red flags. You need to process everything from your last relationship and grieve and get past it. Your ex messed you up...work on yourself and date when you are open an unfazed by new potential partners actions. Also, what the heck is having a fling but no hook up? That's the same thing in my book.
Also the poster above is correct. You are trying to get your unmet needs met and when it backfires it sends you into a spiral of pain and frustration. Good to understand that so you can work on it!
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 4, 2017 4:38:12 GMT
You're not ready to date yet. You're damaged goods right now. Putting up barriers...silently saying "yeah right" and then it really bothers you when you don't hear from him and use someone else's phone? So many red flags. You need to process everything from your last relationship and grieve and get past it. Your ex messed you up...work on yourself and date when you are open an unfazed by new potential partners actions. Also, what the heck is having a fling but no hook up? That's the same thing in my book. Also the poster above is correct. You are trying to get your unmet needs met and when it backfires it sends you into a spiral of pain and frustration. Good to understand that so you can work on it! Calling me damaged goods is not very kind. I am not damaged goods at all. I am actually healing quite remarkably, which is why I reached out to this man. My ex and I were on the downward spiral for a while and I haven't even seen him for over two months. I am of a certain age where my libido is quite crazy and I was seeking a way to get those needs met. In the past, I have been able to do this successfully with a man who is not in my usual dating age range. I had this figured out. And no, one night in the sack is not the same as a month long fling. I am still friends with some men that I have had flings with. With all due respect, because I know you care about my well being, you do not know me. I am a little shocked at both of your responses. Im not mad at all, but maybe your responses are about about yourselves too? In hindsight, I should not have even posted this at all and am seeking a way to delete it. |
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Post by scheme00 on Dec 4, 2017 5:31:36 GMT
I think you may be taking it too personal and reading my response while I'm more awake it comes off a little tough. I meant by damaged goods now that you are not in the right head space to be dating others if someone can get under your skin easily. Does that make more sense? I think you are very hurt and thatnit will take a bit of time to get back to the base level if you know what I mean? I also was confused that you said no hookup, that's maybe what he thought if you said that exact phrase? I assume no hookup means "were not going to get physical" but I think you meant "don't hookup once and never call me again", am I correct?
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Post by cricket on Dec 4, 2017 20:21:20 GMT
Unfortunately this is not so rare. I was ghosted by my DA after a fukin yr so being ghosted after one encounter is not too shocking. No matter what was said by him the truth is you knew nothing about his character or who he is so he could tell u anything. It feels sucky, I know. Maybe just protect yourself more next time and If I had a strong reaction about someone I just met I would definitely rethink if I was ready to be interacting w anyone on any level. I was really raw after I was dumped for a while. More than 2 months. I didn't talk to any9ne for a good while. Not even just for "fun".
Just remember your worth is not tied to any guy ever.
Also I don't think you were called damaged goods in a derogatory way. At least i didnt read it that way. I too am damaged goods right now. We kind of all are until we are more healed from the break ups.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2017 0:15:21 GMT
For the first few dates, I always keep my expectations really low, because you can never know what the other person is really like. I've even had a no-show recently who called after I have waited 40 minutes with some lame excuses about being at the clinic. My first reaction was "I hope it's serious...haha...."...joking...I said to myself "phew, I dodged a bullet."
My rule of thumb is to mirror the enthusiasm of the other person - if he ghosts, I'll shrug it off and delete his contact so he's ghosted too. If he sweetly texts me I'll flirt right back.
The problem is with the DA...he disappears for 4 weeks...now that's a challenge!
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 5, 2017 3:43:39 GMT
Unfortunately this is not so rare. I was ghosted by my DA after a fukin yr so being ghosted after one encounter is not too shocking. No matter what was said by him the truth is you knew nothing about his character or who he is so he could tell u anything. It feels sucky, I know. Maybe just protect yourself more next time and If I had a strong reaction about someone I just met I would definitely rethink if I was ready to be interacting w anyone on any level. I was really raw after I was dumped for a while. More than 2 months. I didn't talk to any9ne for a good while. Not even just for "fun". Just remember your worth is not tied to any guy ever. Also I don't think you were called damaged goods in a derogatory way. At least i didnt read it that way. I too am damaged goods right now. We kind of all are until we are more healed from the break ups. I don't think I was reacting to the guy so much as the situation. I barely am giving him a thought now. And yes, Scheme00 and I made up. I know he meant well. We just took that piece off the thread. I was the one who ended my relationship, but his vanishing act has left me feeling like he was the one who left. These DA's and their ability to disconnect....so powerful... |
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cate
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Post by cate on Dec 5, 2017 11:54:28 GMT
Stellar - yes I think it’s what makes it hard for us. That ability to just shut down and go on with their lives as if you didn’t happen. It’s a deeper cut. I try to process it through my own filter and it doesn’t work because I feel and connect. Maybe too much but I do.
They don’t however. My therapist said they process differently so it’s like asking a fish to climb a tree when I ask why he doesn’t hurt or regret. Or how my ex can plan trips just 2 weeks after our break up like our relationship didn’t leave a mark on him at all.
They compartamentalize like champs so they put us in a box in their heads and that’s it. But they are human and years of suppressing emotions does and will take a toll
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Post by Jaeger on Dec 5, 2017 21:15:00 GMT
*sorry for going off on a bit of a tangent here, but Cate's post led me to this train of thought *
Strangely enough, going no contact actually mimics that complete disconnect that is usually employed by the DA themselves.
I have found that after doing so, my DA ex started to seek some form of emotional response from me, escalating every time said response was lacking (which has been every time so far, over the course of more than 18 months).
She has even gone so far as to threaten me with a lawsuit that would, according to her, decrease the time I would get to spend with my children if I didn't respond the way she wanted me to. This threatening and attempt at manipulation has continued off and on ever since the break, which she instigated. It's a strange thing to me. Still, I'm not emotionally affected by anything she does anymore.
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Post by DearLover on Dec 5, 2017 23:39:53 GMT
Only one date, with a guy that was going to be in town for a month and you already invested a lot of energy to the point of offering yourself on a silver platter for a 1 month long fling...
Sorry that this happened to you but it does show there is more learning and healing to do.
It does pay off, not in the end but along the way
Good luck and take care
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