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Post by onastring on Dec 7, 2017 5:35:06 GMT
From what I have read, DAs don’t wait long before they find someone new. I was wondering what people’s experiences are of this. How long did it take for your DA partners to start a relationship with someone new and how long did/are they lasting? Do you observe the same patterns repeating?
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 7, 2017 6:50:26 GMT
Mine is an odd one. Not many relationships at all and as we have no contact anymore, I do not know what he is doing, but I know what he has told me are his habits from his past.
The last woman he was with was at least a year before he met me. They were together a year. It was also a FWB type thing.
He is not good at bonding and has little narcissistic qualities so he just watches his porn and smokes pot. He may be dating, but I doubt it. My guess is that he will wait a while.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2017 15:29:55 GMT
I think there is confusion between DA and FA. I think FAs are more likely to jump into relationships quickly. DAs don't need/want relationships or so we tell ourselves. As a DA, I can go years between relationships and I don't seek them. More than likely, I will seek something casual and fall into a relationship. I have had 2 major relationships in my life. After one, I didn't date for 2 years and the second, I am currently still in. If you are talking about flings, well that's a different story.
I also want to add that many people post about their relationships that lasted a few months with a DA and the DA disappeared or moved on quickly after. As a DA, I don't consider a few months a major relationship, or even a relationship. It's casual or a trial to me. I do think that the other person though may have thought it was serious. I think it takes a DA much longer to create any kind of attachment to another person, if at all. I think the other person (especially if they are anxious) will have invested much more feelings than I in the beginning. I am not here to hurt anyone's feeling by saying they are not relationships because I know for many they are, but I hope this helps people understand more.
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Post by learningalongtheway on Dec 11, 2017 1:27:41 GMT
I think there is confusion between DA and FA. I think FAs are more likely to jump into relationships quickly. DAs don't need/want relationships or so we tell ourselves. As a DA, I can go years between relationships and I don't seek them. More than likely, I will seek something casual and fall into a relationship. I have had 2 major relationships in my life. After one, I didn't date for 2 years and the second, I am currently still in. If you are talking about flings, well that's a different story. I also want to add that many people post about their relationships that lasted a few months with a DA and the DA disappeared or moved on quickly after. As a DA, I don't consider a few months a major relationship, or even a relationship. It's casual or a trial to me. I do think that the other person though may have thought it was serious. I think it takes a DA much longer to create any kind of attachment to another person, if at all. I think the other person (especially if they are anxious) will have invested much more feelings than I in the beginning. I am not here to hurt anyone's feeling by saying they are not relationships because I know for many they are, but I hope this helps people understand more. Agreed. I don't understand why people think that DAs move on quickly. Maybe we move on with our career goals but I think we definitely regress relationally after break ups, especially with APs. It takes a long time for DAs to trust anyone, so it's natural not to jump into a serious relationship after a breakup. For example, I had a nasty break up with an AP in which he used some particularly damaging events form my childhood as ammo against me in an argument. I understand now that he lacked the ability to control his emotions, couldn't communicate his relationship needs and therefore felt justified in attacking me in that way. However, I still haven't been able to reconcile how some one who supposedly loved me would say such things to me. Again, it restarts the childhood attachment injury cycle where I am now more closed off and avoidant than ever. I haven't had a relationship since we broke up (5 years ago) but he probably thinks that I'm dating or in a relationship. Unbeknownst to the AP, it takes a long time to process/recover from these injuries; I don't see myself dating seriously for another few years. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 11, 2017 3:01:55 GMT
Mary...Thank you. This explains something that I have been curious about. I recently saw my ex who I believe has DA tendencies due to his childhood. When I saw him, I made a comment that there must be so many girls that are after him and he said that he really hasn't been focused on that. I never knew how many relationships he had, but I got the general impression that it wasn't that many. As you have probably guessed...I am an AP with him.
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 11, 2017 3:08:32 GMT
I think there is confusion between DA and FA. I think FAs are more likely to jump into relationships quickly. DAs don't need/want relationships or so we tell ourselves. As a DA, I can go years between relationships and I don't seek them. More than likely, I will seek something casual and fall into a relationship. I have had 2 major relationships in my life. After one, I didn't date for 2 years and the second, I am currently still in. If you are talking about flings, well that's a different story. I also want to add that many people post about their relationships that lasted a few months with a DA and the DA disappeared or moved on quickly after. As a DA, I don't consider a few months a major relationship, or even a relationship. It's casual or a trial to me. I do think that the other person though may have thought it was serious. I think it takes a DA much longer to create any kind of attachment to another person, if at all. I think the other person (especially if they are anxious) will have invested much more feelings than I in the beginning. I am not here to hurt anyone's feeling by saying they are not relationships because I know for many they are, but I hope this helps people understand more. Agreed. I don't understand why people think that DAs move on quickly. Maybe we move on with our career goals but I think we definitely regress relationally after break ups, especially with APs. It takes a long time for DAs to trust anyone, so it's natural not to jump into a serious relationship after a breakup. For example, I had a nasty break up with an AP in which he used some particularly damaging events form my childhood as ammo against me in an argument. I understand now that he lacked the ability to control his emotions, couldn't communicate his relationship needs and therefore felt justified in attacking me in that way. However, I still haven't been able to reconcile how some one who supposedly loved me would say such things to me. Again, it restarts the childhood attachment injury cycle where I am now more closed off and avoidant than ever. I haven't had a relationship since we broke up (5 years ago) but he probably thinks that I'm dating or in a relationship. Unbeknownst to the AP, it takes a long time to process/recover from these injuries; I don't see myself dating seriously for another few years. This content is extremely helpful to hear. Thank you. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 14:56:56 GMT
Agreed. I don't understand why people think that DAs move on quickly. Maybe we move on with our career goals but I think we definitely regress relationally after break ups, especially with APs. It takes a long time for DAs to trust anyone, so it's natural not to jump into a serious relationship after a breakup. For example, I had a nasty break up with an AP in which he used some particularly damaging events form my childhood as ammo against me in an argument. I understand now that he lacked the ability to control his emotions, couldn't communicate his relationship needs and therefore felt justified in attacking me in that way. However, I still haven't been able to reconcile how some one who supposedly loved me would say such things to me. Again, it restarts the childhood attachment injury cycle where I am now more closed off and avoidant than ever. I haven't had a relationship since we broke up (5 years ago) but he probably thinks that I'm dating or in a relationship. Unbeknownst to the AP, it takes a long time to process/recover from these injuries; I don't see myself dating seriously for another few years. I am very sorry to hear of your bad break up. I agree with you that it does take a long time to recover for a DA as it takes us so long to even begin to trust. I don't think the DA side is talked about enough on here. I, too, have been on the receiving end of an AP not being able to control their emotions. I think that DAs are criticized often for being too controlled and appearing cold or unfeeling, but APs that are not able to control their emotions are just as damaging. It took me 2 years from my last serious relationship to even go on a date and 6 years before I got into another serious relationship, so I completely understand where you are coming from. I hope you are able to heal and trust again. I know the road is long. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 11, 2017 16:13:55 GMT
As a "mainly" AP in relationships...I am so very sorry for the way that you Mary and Learningalongtheway were treated by your ex APs. Just as you learned from a young age that no matter what you did, you would not receive the attention you needed so your attachment system is mainly turned "off"....as a young child...I learned that I would receive attention...it just wasn't guaranteed to be good attention.....which led to having an attachment system that is always "on". I think far too often people equate DA with Narcissism. I dated 2 narcissists and my last boyfriend (who I believe has DA tendencies with a bit of FA) was nothing like them. I believe he sincerely wants a lasting relationship....but as you have wisely noted...it takes a much longer time for a DA than an AP to trust. My ex was very honest about the doubts he had and did tell me that I was 3 steps ahead of him and my passion level for him was greater than his passion level for me. I honestly am grateful you are here and I agree that there needs to be more DAs speaking for themselves rather than APs speaking on their behalf.
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Post by onastring on Dec 14, 2017 6:58:34 GMT
Really interesting posts.
Tnr9, what was your experience dating narcissists?
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 14, 2017 22:32:02 GMT
Really interesting posts. Tnr9, what was your experience dating narcissists? This is the good bye letter I wrote to the last one on a different site...It took years to come to terms with it. Goodbye Mr. N First, I want to thank you for ending things with me because I did not have the strength to end things with you. During our last round, you validated all the traits that I knew you had, but were hoping you did not. You were still controlling, still unhappy and bitter, still all about yourself and still needing so much validation that I was drained after every encounter. You kept me at arms length, feeding me occational bread crumbs. But I'm not a bird!! I don't hold any ill will towards you...I simply recognize now what I failed to appreciate after round 1, that you are truly disordered. No amount of love or caring or empathy will change that. And as much as you mirror the wounds from my childhood, I cannot fix that wounds with you. In fact, being with you magnified all those insecurities from my past...I was never as weak, never as scared of losing someone and never so afraid of putting myself first as I was with you. I ask that you simply move on with your life and let me move on with mine. I have no desire to rekindle what we had..but I will use our time together to strenthen my resolve to never again be involved with someone who is unable to be an equal partner. I will put all memories of you squarely where they belong, in the past. As Sara Bareilles song goes: "I hate to break it to you babe, but I'm not drowning. There's no one here to save". Goodbye. |
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Post by onastring on Dec 18, 2017 23:21:40 GMT
Tnr9, wow. Thank you for Sharing this. I resonate a lot with the things you have said. I think I will write my own letter to my N ex.
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