Post by pathtosecureap on Jun 16, 2023 15:25:56 GMT
Hi, AP here. I was in a 7.5 years long relationship/engagement before I called it off with someone I loved very dearly. Unfortunately her career forced us to move. I moved away from all of my family, and friends. Which at the time of moving I thought I was pretty secure. I had graduated from college, so I moved to be with her after my final semester was Long Distance (4 hrs ish). Imagine my surprise when I wound up depressed and miserable. My partner was codependent and heavily AP, and had become codependent by this time. She comes from a small family, so her only family members all moved to where we lived but still relied heavily on me to be, "Her source of happiness." Her words, not mine. I hated myself, I hated where I lived (From the mountains/country, now living in suburban hell sitting in an hour of traffic to go 11 miles somewhere along i95) and all of that pressure, plus being without my support systems made me crumble.
I felt disconnected for the last 6 months of that relationship. However, I eventually broke up with her. I took some time to lick my wounds (6 months, which wasn't enough) but surprise surprise someone reached out to me. We hit it off pretty quickly, and it was nice to have a friend who had similar interests. (I'm into gaming and even travel to play them) I had never talked to a woman who related to that side of me, so it was a bit of a rush. Sprinkle in some serious ego stroking about the fact that I played and traveled to play and whoops. I was hooked.
I drove 5 hours to visit her once, spending a 3 day weekend together going on dates and just spending time together. This was 2.5 months into our mess that I visited. She initiated holding hands with me in public, and behaving like a couple. Which she had been adamant about hating PDA, and other stuff. After visiting we got a lot closer and it seemed like it was headed toward relationship territory. However, previously she had stated, "I'm not ready for a relationship." All the typical things people say when they're emotionally unavailable. It was very tough for me to protect myself because she "connected" with me in ways I'd never experienced before. I paid for our "dates" that I asked her on. She accepted me paying for a few things. She wanted to pay for my coffee and bagel the one day. It felt so real at the time.
For the week following the visit, she was telling me she missed me. She told her family and friends about me during MDW and was talking about how she wished I was there and her family wanted to meet me, etc. By this point I was hooked, and she knew it. We would talk in calls during our work days (shes hybrid, I'm fully remote) but she wouldn't spend much leisure time with me. Which was fine, she was busy and so was I.
The second week after the visit, It happened. I felt her distancing herself. After my last relationship where I had a fiercely loyal, but codependent partner it was like nothing I felt before. Anxiety, confusion, frustration, you name it. She was texting me less, initiating calls less, didn't want to hang out with me gaming at all. She had so many red flags, including still being really close to her ex of 6 years (also Long Distance, but he would never commit to meeting her). I brought this distance up to her and she said, "I don't feel like I'm distancing from you." Which then of course pushed her away further. I voiced my needs, I just asked if we could find one day out of the week to play something together or just genuinely spend time together in a non work hour call.
A week after that conversation, she's pulling away more. Mentions she just wants someone to hangout with as a friend. I drew a boundary saying I don't know if I can be friends, I like what we are. She seems okay with it. We plan for a hangout last Thursday. She was usually very transparent about her daily activity. She frequently needed quiet time because she still lives at home and it seems now that I look back there is potentially enmeshment there. She often talked about feeling trapped, and how chaotic her household is. So at first she was pouring it all to me earlier in the relationship.. Then she was texting me with less urgency, and using other vices to get through her situation. She winds up texting me a bit through the night, but more of the superficial conversations that were happening for the past week. She eventually texts me at 9:50 saying she's not up for it tonight.
The next day I realize this "friend" who she was sporadically gaming with, but became more and more common in her routine. (She was playing with his group in the evenings more often.) Sometimes she'd tell me, sometimes I found out. It didn't bother me for most of the time. She has a group she normally plays with Friday night, and all the sudden this "friend" is in that group. (He never played with them before on Fridays) So I made the mistake to look and saw that she played with him the night before (the night she blew me off). So now instead of being "triggered" (didn't know it at the time) for the entire week she was deactivating, I'm now TRIGGERED. I brought it up to her and in true AP fashion I beat around the bush until I just laid it out there.
I then ask her about some of her timeline of the day (which she told me on Thursday what was going on):
She told me she napped, had to help her mom cook. She goes dark for an hour and a half and comes back to say the safeword I gave her if she was overwhelmed. (Something I implemented during that week because she seemed like she was struggling). Texts me somewhat consistently before asking me if I cared if we couldn't play (of course she's been having a tough time and told me as much) so I say its okay. I inferred that I knew she was dishonest, and even said it hurt me she couldn't just be honest. She's dancing around the fact, and eventually I just said, "I know you played with x person Thursday, even though you cancelled on me. I had trouble telling you how I feel because it hurts that I asked you for a little more leisure time and you treated me this way." She says she played after her nap. But told me she helped cook after the nap, and she played with him after helping cook, which matches the time she quit responding to me completely (which was unusual unless she told me)
She admits that she played with him, but she felt worse as the night went on. She has this explosion that I'm calling her a liar, its insulting that she has to explain her timeline to me, and that it's best if we don't talk anymore. In true AP fashion I recoiled and realized immediately I stepped on a landmine. I tried to apologize but the damage was done. In hindsight I do feel terribly for how I handled the situation, but in my defense this whole relationship triggered me so badly in ways I didn't know I could be triggered. I apologized, tried to explain my pain and what I thought the root cause was, but it didn't matter. She had deactivated.
The relationship all in told lasted about 3 months (Stop me if you've heard this one before) It's been a week of no contact, which she wanted. Which is fine. I have fought the urge to reach out and apologize for my behaviors because I've now realized is due to my own issues. I handled the situation so wrong, even if I was wronged. She "tested" me earlier on and knew I had some jealous tendencies. I should have seen the signs throughout this craziness. I've spent the last week trying to figure out what the heck this was. I'm still feeling myself spinning from time to time.
At first I was devastated, obviously. As this week has gone on and I've learned a lot more about AT I realize it wasn't all my fault. My behaviors were still unacceptable, but at the very least this is a learning experience like no other. I would like to think I got to know at least some part of her. I can't tell if she was just deactivating or was actually having a rough week, or both. She told me she cuts out everyone but found time for another "friend." I'm happy this happened, because I'll never let it happen again. My head still spins thinking about everything we talked about and did together and how quickly it all fell apart. I actually wish her well. When she was present she was an amazing person.
She told me, " This week made me realize I have my own problems. I can't just shut down for the week because I'm overwhelmed because it affects the people in my life. maybe we can reconnect when we're both feeling better. We deserve to be the best versions of ourselves."
I have been in therapy for 5 months (which I told her) but now I feel like I've gone backwards significantly since this encounter. My first partner after a steady relationship definitely made me realize I have some stuff to take care of internally. Evidently I have a fear of rejection, and fear of abandonment. Only way to go is up from here!
I felt disconnected for the last 6 months of that relationship. However, I eventually broke up with her. I took some time to lick my wounds (6 months, which wasn't enough) but surprise surprise someone reached out to me. We hit it off pretty quickly, and it was nice to have a friend who had similar interests. (I'm into gaming and even travel to play them) I had never talked to a woman who related to that side of me, so it was a bit of a rush. Sprinkle in some serious ego stroking about the fact that I played and traveled to play and whoops. I was hooked.
Before meeting she displayed the common "hot and cold" behavior. Full steam ahead, heavily flirting, sexting, etc. Then she pulled the lets be friends thing lets slow down, and I was like yeah sure.. I'm not looking for a relationship anyway (I wasn't) She had a mini blowup saying she didn't want to talk as much anymore, (She was texting me goodnight and goodmorning every day for 2 weeks to this point) She slowed down texting me and kept it platonic. I was just going with the flow. I was in Vegas for a weekend gaming and she watched the stream, and was texting me the entire weekend. Even calling me to talk Sunday night for an hour and a half before I flew home.
At this point the "relationship" took a turn, things became more like we were dating without labels. I guess it was technically a LDR, though I wouldn't call it a relationship.
At this point the "relationship" took a turn, things became more like we were dating without labels. I guess it was technically a LDR, though I wouldn't call it a relationship.
I drove 5 hours to visit her once, spending a 3 day weekend together going on dates and just spending time together. This was 2.5 months into our mess that I visited. She initiated holding hands with me in public, and behaving like a couple. Which she had been adamant about hating PDA, and other stuff. After visiting we got a lot closer and it seemed like it was headed toward relationship territory. However, previously she had stated, "I'm not ready for a relationship." All the typical things people say when they're emotionally unavailable. It was very tough for me to protect myself because she "connected" with me in ways I'd never experienced before. I paid for our "dates" that I asked her on. She accepted me paying for a few things. She wanted to pay for my coffee and bagel the one day. It felt so real at the time.
For the week following the visit, she was telling me she missed me. She told her family and friends about me during MDW and was talking about how she wished I was there and her family wanted to meet me, etc. By this point I was hooked, and she knew it. We would talk in calls during our work days (shes hybrid, I'm fully remote) but she wouldn't spend much leisure time with me. Which was fine, she was busy and so was I.
The second week after the visit, It happened. I felt her distancing herself. After my last relationship where I had a fiercely loyal, but codependent partner it was like nothing I felt before. Anxiety, confusion, frustration, you name it. She was texting me less, initiating calls less, didn't want to hang out with me gaming at all. She had so many red flags, including still being really close to her ex of 6 years (also Long Distance, but he would never commit to meeting her). I brought this distance up to her and she said, "I don't feel like I'm distancing from you." Which then of course pushed her away further. I voiced my needs, I just asked if we could find one day out of the week to play something together or just genuinely spend time together in a non work hour call.
A week after that conversation, she's pulling away more. Mentions she just wants someone to hangout with as a friend. I drew a boundary saying I don't know if I can be friends, I like what we are. She seems okay with it. We plan for a hangout last Thursday. She was usually very transparent about her daily activity. She frequently needed quiet time because she still lives at home and it seems now that I look back there is potentially enmeshment there. She often talked about feeling trapped, and how chaotic her household is. So at first she was pouring it all to me earlier in the relationship.. Then she was texting me with less urgency, and using other vices to get through her situation. She winds up texting me a bit through the night, but more of the superficial conversations that were happening for the past week. She eventually texts me at 9:50 saying she's not up for it tonight.
The next day I realize this "friend" who she was sporadically gaming with, but became more and more common in her routine. (She was playing with his group in the evenings more often.) Sometimes she'd tell me, sometimes I found out. It didn't bother me for most of the time. She has a group she normally plays with Friday night, and all the sudden this "friend" is in that group. (He never played with them before on Fridays) So I made the mistake to look and saw that she played with him the night before (the night she blew me off). So now instead of being "triggered" (didn't know it at the time) for the entire week she was deactivating, I'm now TRIGGERED. I brought it up to her and in true AP fashion I beat around the bush until I just laid it out there.
I then ask her about some of her timeline of the day (which she told me on Thursday what was going on):
She told me she napped, had to help her mom cook. She goes dark for an hour and a half and comes back to say the safeword I gave her if she was overwhelmed. (Something I implemented during that week because she seemed like she was struggling). Texts me somewhat consistently before asking me if I cared if we couldn't play (of course she's been having a tough time and told me as much) so I say its okay. I inferred that I knew she was dishonest, and even said it hurt me she couldn't just be honest. She's dancing around the fact, and eventually I just said, "I know you played with x person Thursday, even though you cancelled on me. I had trouble telling you how I feel because it hurts that I asked you for a little more leisure time and you treated me this way." She says she played after her nap. But told me she helped cook after the nap, and she played with him after helping cook, which matches the time she quit responding to me completely (which was unusual unless she told me)
She admits that she played with him, but she felt worse as the night went on. She has this explosion that I'm calling her a liar, its insulting that she has to explain her timeline to me, and that it's best if we don't talk anymore. In true AP fashion I recoiled and realized immediately I stepped on a landmine. I tried to apologize but the damage was done. In hindsight I do feel terribly for how I handled the situation, but in my defense this whole relationship triggered me so badly in ways I didn't know I could be triggered. I apologized, tried to explain my pain and what I thought the root cause was, but it didn't matter. She had deactivated.
The relationship all in told lasted about 3 months (Stop me if you've heard this one before) It's been a week of no contact, which she wanted. Which is fine. I have fought the urge to reach out and apologize for my behaviors because I've now realized is due to my own issues. I handled the situation so wrong, even if I was wronged. She "tested" me earlier on and knew I had some jealous tendencies. I should have seen the signs throughout this craziness. I've spent the last week trying to figure out what the heck this was. I'm still feeling myself spinning from time to time.
At first I was devastated, obviously. As this week has gone on and I've learned a lot more about AT I realize it wasn't all my fault. My behaviors were still unacceptable, but at the very least this is a learning experience like no other. I would like to think I got to know at least some part of her. I can't tell if she was just deactivating or was actually having a rough week, or both. She told me she cuts out everyone but found time for another "friend." I'm happy this happened, because I'll never let it happen again. My head still spins thinking about everything we talked about and did together and how quickly it all fell apart. I actually wish her well. When she was present she was an amazing person.
She told me, " This week made me realize I have my own problems. I can't just shut down for the week because I'm overwhelmed because it affects the people in my life. maybe we can reconnect when we're both feeling better. We deserve to be the best versions of ourselves."
I have been in therapy for 5 months (which I told her) but now I feel like I've gone backwards significantly since this encounter. My first partner after a steady relationship definitely made me realize I have some stuff to take care of internally. Evidently I have a fear of rejection, and fear of abandonment. Only way to go is up from here!
