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Post by mysteryuser on Jun 16, 2023 16:47:01 GMT
I've been trying to work on my fear of abandonment. I have delved a lot into which experiences have shaped this fear and how and I've also been able to point to specific instances in my relationships/situationships this fear has manifested. I know that I engage in a lot of self-abandonment, and I'm aware of my people-pleasing tendencies. I've been trying to check in with my feelings more often, draw boundaries, engage in mindfulness/guided meditations, and affirm my commitment to myself more often.
But in the midst of a break up, it's really hard to tell whether these behavior changes are 'working'. It's even worse because though I might have made progress in my behavior, I still feel the same way. I still have a crippling fear of abandonment. The feeling is still there - primal and visceral. How have you dealt with this fear? Has it been more of a "fake it till you make it" approach, like a behavior/thought change -> feeling change approach? Has it been repeated affirmations that you had an epiphany and internalized suddenly one day? Was it something else?
It is more and more clear to me that I need to accept abandonment as a part of life, not a reflection of me, out of my control, to be able to engage in relationships without fear or pessimism or with a foot out the door. I'm unhappy and afraid, and I really want to heal this wound.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 16, 2023 19:27:36 GMT
"It's even worse because though I might have made progress in my behavior, I still feel the same way."
This is it right here, the million dollar question! I'm currently opting for fake it till I make it! Hopefully others can offer more concrete advice.
Awareness and wanting to change is a great start, congratulate yourself on that!
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Post by alexandra on Jun 16, 2023 20:14:40 GMT
It's not faking it until you make it. It's doing your best to connect with yourself and manage your triggers best you can while doing all the other work to heal: building up identity and sense of self without the noise, connecting with your body, learning what healthy relating and boundaries and communication are supposed to look like in theory, therapy work making sense of your past and any (multi) generational trauma etc. while you make sense of your story in your own words, and accept where and who you are. And throughout all that, just having faith in your process, not in the religious sense, but in the sense that your brain is processing in the background even when it feels like nothing is happening. Trusting yourself and where you're at, and accepting that wherever that is is okay and you can't rush it. Over time, whenever that time ends up being, the fear will start to dissipate as a result of just keeping with all that. There's no magic or quick solution, you go at the speed you go.
In my specific experience, it was no progress no progress, steps forward, back, diagonal, side to side, no progress, and then occasionally with seemingly no rhyme or reason I'd have an epiphany here and there and take a big stride forward. When my fear of abandonment really fell mostly away was literally overnight, my thought patterns just entirely changed one morning... after a lot of processing in the background, a lot of deliberate work, some subconscious stuff going on too. But the timing of it was totally unexpected and after one of my worst abandonment triggered episodes for like 2 weeks straight after a breakup, I'd never have guessed that then would be when everything clicked. There may have been some, I already have gone through this a million times and I simply don't need to do it again, to it, but still unexpected yet welcome timing.
So just stay the course, I always felt like my gut knew when I was at least on the right path even if I was skeptical there would be anything on the other side. There is. Your process might be different, but it will still be complex and very likely not just one thing to get you beyond your fears. It's all connected to the bigger picture and attachment system.
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Post by mysteryuser on Jun 17, 2023 0:38:58 GMT
"your brain is processing in the background even when it feels like nothing is happening" - you're definitely right about that. There are other fears and wounds I have dramatically healed from just with time, constantly reminding myself of the circumstances of my feelings and the reality about the future. Repetition and time has definitely helped with other things, so I guess there is no reason it wouldn't also help with this fear of abandonment. About 2 months ago I felt like drawing boundaries would mean I'm selfish, but after having slowly drawn a few boundaries I feel more confident and am genuinely okay being a bit 'selfish' if it protects my heart. That is just one example, but an important one, and your comment has definitely reminded me of all the times I've risen from things before, and this is no different. Thank you alexandra! |
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Post by mysteryuser on Oct 22, 2023 14:27:54 GMT
Just an update on this. I've realized while dating that this feeling/fear is triggered first in my body and then the thoughts spiral and make things worse. My heart beats faster the second I feel I'll be abandoned, and I almost hyperventilate. Stopping that feeling in the tracks before the thoughts flow in to "explain" the physical sensations makes a huge difference. When I notice these sensations, I remind myself that it actually comes from all the times I saw my parents walk out on each other (and me and my brother). I've had each family member threaten to/actually walk out and I have memories of these instances from ages 5-14. In those moments, I was thinking about what will happen to me, where I'll live, who I'll live with, whether I'll be okay, and a lot more. It makes sense why I associate someone leaving with feeling like I won't survive this. But I remind myself of how I've survived it all and I'll survive it again. That today I'm not 5 anymore but 24, with a stable job, degrees that could never leave me, friendships I've nurtured for over 10 years now, a best friend who has seen *everything* and still stayed, and I've done a lot by myself including moving countries by myself and making a life for myself. Reminding myself of everything I've done by myself and every time I was okay after being abandoned lessens the physical sensations and brings me back to reality of being okay if one of many Hinge matches doesn't want to see me again  I'm hoping and I'm sure in time these sensations will come up less often. |
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I'm hoping and I'm sure in time these sensations will come up less often.