6 months after break-up, changes I've noticed

Thanks! And yeah I definitely agree in that not only will this be slow I'll also see slower growth the more I get better. My therapist has also mentioned I seem to be on the right track. I just checked out your post about that and I'll try to "follow along" as well, observing if I am going through similar feelings.

I'm trying to still find whether the hesitation with available men is coming from. Whether it's finding them clingy/weird or being critical of their appearance (in the past I've usually liked very conventionally good-looking men, while acknowledging that I don't look like an Instagram model by any means -- I probably go after them because they're "out of my league"/someone I feel I have to impress). To some degree it is my Asian background making me think about what other people might think/say about my partner because I do find a lot of from my social/family circles back home to be fairly judgmental. But it's also me considering my partner to be an extension of my self-worth, which is a boundary issue. And there's also the matter of keeping true intimacy at bay. Still trying to figure out how to manage these feelings.

Proud of you as well trippintre and thank you! I remember a few of your posts resonating with me to the T. I think your approach of focusing on speaking up makes a lot of sense, because even if I do go on dates with guys that may be "unavailable", if I speak up/place boundaries/ask for my needs to be met and they aren't, that in itself is important info that I would have previously ignored. This time, I feel like I have more power and willingness to walk away, but I am still healing my abandonment wound. What you said is very similar to what my therapist said, but she also highlighted that hoping to only be attracted to secure people need not be the primary goal, but more so to find someone you can make a secure dynamic with by paying attention to how they handle conflict and whether they're willing to work on themselves and keep commitments.

I think it is just a matter of being open to building a slower connection before really investing, so that you've got the time to gauge the consistency and sit with your feelings long enough to figure out if any anxiety you feel is warranted or if it's projection. And if the person is not only consistent in words versus actions versus feelings, but also is consistent in showing up for you.

Example: I briefly referred to a guy in my thread who seemed really secure and extremely consistent but then kind of blindsided me after 2-3 months that he was still dating around without saying anything to me about it and had met someone he liked better. I was disappointed but also confused (making me feel disrespected as well, unlike with secure people who were open about early multi-dating, that was totally fine even if they clicked better with someone else!), and concluded that he had given me some clues about how he is in relationships from talking about his past. He was a great communicator IF there was no real conflict and both people were on the same page. However, if they weren't, he wanted things his way and would skirt around issues and do what he wanted anyway, but then be good at repairing afterwards. So nothing would get resolved, and he would continue to do what he wanted on a technicality that maybe something was verbally omitted, but no one was fighting or angry because he wanted to talk to make sure everyone's emotions were smooth. The way this manifested in our conversation was in what he had to say about a very long-term relationship that never really ended up moving forward considering how long it lasted. And he couldn't explain why it hit a wall and was stagnant for so many years. So when it came down to it, it meant he was comfortable as just an indefinite although committed boyfriend when I was looking for a husband (I don't remember his age, but around 40, so eventual husband was not unreasonable) because that's what his actions revealed, no matter what his words were. It seemed like he was consistent, and it took getting to know him better to find out he was not, so I was glad I didn't over-invest based on him being quite a good fit on paper.

Sometimes it just takes time and enough curiosity to get to know someone and you can't hurry that.

Another example: when I met my husband, things were super easy. But we didn't know each other yet, and there was a day or two that he totally disappeared. I freaked out to myself, because he had been consistent (usually he'd let me know if he would be out of reach here and there) and suddenly those thoughts flooded, was I wrong about him?? I'd dated so many insecures who would pull this... I started projecting based on that experience. Well, he was sick and had fallen asleep and slept for an amount of time that I cannot lol. And as we spent more time together in person, I found that it's true that that just happens occasionally with him. It was my own anxiety that time causing the problem, and I was able to self-soothe and briefly discuss it with him when he popped back up. It also wasn't something that kept coming up a lot and I was making excuses about to hold the relationship together or anything.

Another good way to gauge things is, do things feel easy? Is the other person placing obstacles in front of the two of you, or removing them? And is that because you're only seeing the idealized good, or is there really consistent effort there and possibly teamwork as you build a mutual foundation?

In regards to dating insecures and that being a dealbreaker, I think at that point for me it was (I was a good deal older than you already and had dated sooo many people). But. I think there is something to be said if you meet someone who is insecure but actively in process working on it. If someone is serious about putting in the effort into themselves and learning to show up for themselves, then that may be very worth giving them a chance to see if you are otherwise compatible, share values, want the same things in life, are at the same life stage, all that important stuff. I find that if someone's there and in process, they will be open and able to talk about it in a healthy way with good boundaries, without inappropriately oversharing or trauma dumping or trauma bonding.

An unaware insecure though? Would have been a dealbreaker, yes. I'm not someone's therapist or mother, by that point in my life I wanted to date an emotionally mature adult partner, no excuses.