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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 13, 2023 10:54:43 GMT
As I described in the FA thread..It is getting to an end with my FA guy, I am abroad and we are in NC but we met after he reached out a few days ago before my travel, and everything was good and he again said it's is difficult for him (to let himself go), that he cares a lot about me even if he knows it's contradictory etc..I later called him before leaving and told him that I can't go on like this too much, that this dynamic is not ok and that sometimes I feel used (not sexually but regarding his going up and down with me and his mental confusion). I called him yesterday for his birthday and he was cold, thought he told me that he also think about me and that we will meet at my return but still he was cold.
I can't sleep at night and I have to sleep in the morning to recuperate, I can do it now cause I am on vacation but when I will be back it will be impossible while working. My holidays are being awful and I am messing things up with my family cause of the pain I feel. I am always feeling bad and I can't enjoy almost anything, and I hate all of this. Was it worth it? I have no idea right now, I think it was but God it's so painful. Makes me feel again my life is too absurd.
I am done with 'love'. If I think that he does all this to avoid himself future pain as he is scared, I completely agree with him, it's too much. He does it right, and I should do the same in the future.
I should have left first. Now I am crap and obsessed.
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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2023 13:32:58 GMT
As I described in the FA thread..It is getting to an end with my FA guy, I am abroad and we are in NC but we met after he reached out a few days ago before my travel, and everything was good and he again said it's is difficult for him (to let himself go), that he cares a lot about me even if he knows it's contradictory etc..I later called him before leaving and told him that I can't go on like this too much, that this dynamic is not ok and that sometimes I feel used (not sexually but regarding his going up and down with me and his mental confusion). I called him yesterday for his birthday and he was cold, thought he told me that he also think about me and that we will meet at my return but still he was cold. I can't sleep at night and I have to sleep in the morning to recuperate, I can do it now cause I am on vacation but when I will be back it will be impossible while working. My holidays are being awful and I am messing things up with my family cause of the pain I feel. I am always feeling bad and I can't enjoy almost anything, and I hate all of this. Was it worth it? I have no idea right now, I think it was but God it's so painful. Makes me feel again my life is too absurd. I am done with 'love'. If I think that he does all this to avoid himself future pain as he is scared, I completely agree with him, it's too much. He does it right, and I should do the same in the future. I should have left first. Now I am crap and obsessed. FWIW, I don't think there is a single person on this forum, working toward secure, that hasn't come to the end of their rope concerning relationships. It isn't love you're done with, what you're done with is insecure entanglements that are confusing, demeaning, and heartbreakingly toxic. I'd suggest you read Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue. She has a lot of resources. I think most of what she writes is tailored toward Anxious attachment but she covers avoidant as well, I benefitted from her a lot. There is a deeper layer of understanding and personal action and responsibility that you need to achieve in order to have a successful relationship. We've all been there. A few of us are in relatonships that are healthy and growth-oriented instead of the poisoned quagmire of insecure dynamics. There's space to grieve and feel all the despair of this recent entanglement. However, on the other side of that there is still hope but it takes a lot of commitment and willingness to change how you approach choosing a partner and showing up in relationship with them. You aren't unique, this is the dilemma of all insecurely attachment people. I'm sorry you're hurting and your vacation is ruined. It could be worse, for instance if you had children with him and now had to figure out a way forward with that responsibility. You've got some freedom here to choose your way forward and get this behind you, and that's a huge blessing. |
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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 13, 2023 14:09:11 GMT
Thank you so much for always giving me super inputs and new perspectives. Everything you say it's true. I think it's also that my life is overall precarious from different points of view that makes me feel also this bad (my job contract ending in a different country and no idea of where to live later at 34....) Thanks for the book recommendations. I will check it. I will also try to think about how toxic this dynamic could be thought It's so difficult to see it when one is in love and is feeling that the other one is pulling away. Thanks again. I have no social networks online and this is the only place I can vent with anonymous people. I do vent with friends but they are overwhelmed and don't know what to tell me anymore, plus, I think that I made a wrong call after something I heard from some of my friends that he was 'using me'. I don't really know why I did that. I don't feel used. I guess it was an anxious attached response to listen to some reassurance  but he pulled away even more obviously.. |
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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2023 14:23:14 GMT
Thank you so much for always giving me super inputs and new perspectives. Everything you say it's true. I think it's also that my life is overall precarious from different points of view that makes me feel also this bad (my job contract ending in a different country and no idea of where to live later at 34....) Thanks for the book recommendations. I will check it. I will also try to think about how toxic this dynamic could be thought It's so difficult to see it when one is in love and is feeling that the other one is pulling away. Thanks again. I have no social networks online and this is the only place I can vent with anonymous people. I do vent with friends but they are overwhelmed and don't know what to tell me anymore, plus, I think that I made a wrong call after something I heard from some of my friends that he was 'using me'. I don't really know why I did that. I don't feel used. I guess it was an anxious attached response to listen to some reassurance but he pulled away even more obviously.. Baggage Reclaim is a website (blog) and you can also interact with other users there. So you will be able to access it right away, just search it. Also it doesn't really matter how you interpret his behavior, because no matter what his motives are it SUCKS and hurts and there is no way for you to be okay with it. It doesn't matter how much you are attached to him, or want to see the good in him, it makes no difference. His behavior is extremely detrimental to you. And it comes back to your anxious pattern of clinging and being in your own toxic narrative of trying to get love and consistency where it simply Does. Not. Exist. |
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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2023 14:26:28 GMT
When I was going through trauma and extreme stress in life, I became entangled with an FA. It seems that my own trauma was a magnet for theirs, and vice versa. It was short lived but I look back and can clearly see that I was extremely vulnerable because of the pain I was in. These situations arise from emotional pain and the only way out is to address the pain directly and work through jt so it doesn't drive us into the wall over and over again.
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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2023 14:28:53 GMT
Correction, I was thrown into FA dysregulation when I was in that trauma, it's a fight or flight nervous system response. Instability in your life can make you very vulnerable to damaging relationships.
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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 13, 2023 14:50:23 GMT
Correction, I was thrown into FA dysregulation when I was in that trauma, it's a fight or flight nervous system response. Instability in your life can make you very vulnerable to damaging relationships. Agree I am extremely unstable as I said, I have no idea of my life in the next months. I was very used to this kind of life before but with my partner's death and getting older it's not easy at all. I see my friends with their spouses and kids, even if it was not my dream to have that, I feel now miserable that I am feeling so lost with no stability at all and alone. So depressing |
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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2023 15:03:52 GMT
Perimenopause made all my stressors so much worse as well, I have really felt more anxiety and depression which is helped by natural medicine because I can't take hormones. But even in early forties, your progesterone levels can be low affecting other hormones and causing a lot of stress. Maybe you should see a health practitioner for stress and female hormone evaluation, I'd be willing to bet all the trauma has seriously impacted all your hormones. Cortisol is probably through the roof?
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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 13, 2023 15:18:52 GMT
Perimenopause made all my stressors so much worse as well, I have really felt more anxiety and depression which is helped by natural medicine because I can't take hormones. But even in early forties, your progesterone levels can be low affecting other hormones and causing a lot of stress. Maybe you should see a health practitioner for stress and female hormone evaluation, I'd be willing to bet all the trauma has seriously impacted all your hormones. Cortisol is probably through the roof? I am still in my early 30s eheheh at least that! I take natural cortisol everyday after an endocrinologist prescribed it. I should check it again but I am kinda lazy on all this cause I have another health issue I have to address as a priority before. I will think about it. It is anyway my trauma that left me without a sense of life, alone, and the deception of all the relationships I had (which we have discussed about). I have always been tendentious to depression but of course it is higher now, I have no clue of how to continue in life and I survive only for my family. I see others and comparisons is all over all the time and I am lost. Now with this 'heartbreak' it's still worst. I don't know what will happen but still.... Thanks for the input I will try to check With an endocrinologist when i can |
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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2023 16:26:52 GMT
I've learned that comparing my self and my life to others is completely inappropriate, and harmful to myself. Each person will encounter pain and suffering, that is the nature of life. We all are subject to trauma, loss, and hardship. Somw may have what appears to be great fortune but can lose it in the blink of an eye, with an accident, health diagnosis, collapse of some structure in their life. We are born with different circumstances and conditions, which are not the only determining factors. We all respond to life differently too. To compare yourself negatively and feel less-than is a mental health issue that needs to be addressed, not leaned into. It's a wound begging for treatment.
Also, I have learned that if I am aware of an issue that harms me but I do not address it, I will surely suffer more due to my own negligence. I say this with empathy. If you know you have an endocrine issue don't be lazy, you are the only person who can make sure it is taken care of so love yourself enough to do it. Otherwise you will fave consequences that only add to your suffering. Self care, in all areas is the number one factor in becoming healthier. Trust me.
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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2023 16:31:22 GMT
In other words,the person in greatest need for your humanitarian efforts is you.
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Post by cherrycola on Sept 13, 2023 17:44:46 GMT
Baggage reclaim is an amazing resource because she feels like a best friend who wants what is best for you. Her Podcast is also great for just having a friendly voice telling you that you are worth love, care, trust and respect. I also really like David Richo How to be an Adult and How to be an Adult in Love.
I've been there, spiraling out, unable to enjoy my time because I got tangled up with an emotionally unavailable man and told myself it was okay when he lowered the bar again and again. It's been a long road but I have learned little by little to withdrawal my energy from people who don't give me the same energy back. And you know what, it feels amazing. I also no longer meet the criteria for BPD, to the point that counsellors question that diagnosis because I don't have those patterns anymore.
So as overwhelming as it is right now, you are strong and you will learn from this and move forward. So give yourself a BIG hug
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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 13, 2023 18:37:56 GMT
In other words,the person in greatest need for your humanitarian efforts is you. This one is good. Thanks and yes I have to take care of myself indeed. I will address these issues asap after my travel. Thanks! |
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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 13, 2023 18:52:29 GMT
Baggage reclaim is an amazing resource because she feels like a best friend who wants what is best for you. Her Podcast is also great for just having a friendly voice telling you that you are worth love, care, trust and respect. I also really like David Richo How to be an Adult and How to be an Adult in Love. I've been there, spiraling out, unable to enjoy my time because I got tangled up with an emotionally unavailable man and told myself it was okay when he lowered the bar again and again. It's been a long road but I have learned little by little to withdrawal my energy from people who don't give me the same energy back. And you know what, it feels amazing. I also no longer meet the criteria for BPD, to the point that counsellors question that diagnosis because I don't have those patterns anymore. So as overwhelming as it is right now, you are strong and you will learn from this and move forward. So give yourself a BIG hug Ei this helped so much. It gave me some vibe inside to tell myself 'now that you see your father and other friends just think about them and stop it'. It's painful to accept that the other does not put the same energy even if I know that he considers some little gestures as big for him (for instance meeting me when he could not cause he has to be up too early, just an example) but it's totally true that this is not something that is healthy the way it is NOW. And it is painful to think that the other person is quite and calm now while I am getting crazy. But still, nothing to do except from radically accept it, as DBT would suggest.... I think comparing myself (to quote also introvert) is something I address in DBT, definitely one of the patterns that I have to shift. Not easy at all. Some days I can. I tell myself exactly what you wrote. Other days I can't and it's 'i m fucked up'. Many people see in me a strong woman who has survived the worst and who works in a difficult field all over the world in a reputable organisation, I see myself as lost without knowing how to go on, where to live, alone, and so on. I don't know how to change my vision but I have to or my life won't change at all and it's not possible. I HAVE TO switch it. |
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Post by introvert on Sept 13, 2023 19:53:59 GMT
And if it's any consolation, at your age I had zero clue about attachment and had a kid with an abuser... you are young in terms of when people develop self awareness. You have a strong chance at co-creating a safe, loving relationship in the future, and it starts with you first. You can do it I have zero doubt.
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but he pulled away even more obviously..