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Post by trippintre on Sept 28, 2023 0:01:23 GMT
Been dating lightly in the months since my breakup and have actually been enjoying it. Been on dates with different men, all of which I’ve enjoyed fair enough but nothing has materialized from them, which I’m more than ok with for now. Just taking my time to meet different people and notice how I feel in response to them. I never dated much before my last ex so this is really my first time actually going for it and having fun. But, of course, the first person I’ve dated since my ex that I’ve actually felt a connection with seems to be pretty avoidant. Shocker. We’ve only been on 2 dates but have already been intimate. He is a bit older than me, an artist, and (in addition to using the word avoidant to describe himself) has said things on our dates that indicate he loooooves being alone and doesn’t know if partnership/marriage is ultimately for him (he has been in long relationships before.) He even took 4 months to text me after I gave him my number on the app lol. We get along crazy well in person and have a lot of fun. But I’m not blind to the things he’s revealed about himself.
No point to this post except to say that I’m disappointed that the person I’ve connected with most in the last months is avoidant and is definitely already pushing me anxious. I definitely shouldn’t be intimate so early on, which I know for myself, but I get caught up in having fun and how good it feels to connect with someone in that way again. I will give myself credit though for recognizing these things, really trying not to blame myself, and just overall be more self aware while dating than I was when I met my ex. I just fear my “taste” in men won’t change and I’ll always be drawn to/attracted to men who will eventually pull away from me. Just venting.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 28, 2023 1:09:37 GMT
Been dating lightly in the months since my breakup and have actually been enjoying it. Been on dates with different men, all of which I’ve enjoyed fair enough but nothing has materialized from them, which I’m more than ok with for now. Just taking my time to meet different people and notice how I feel in response to them. I never dated much before my last ex so this is really my first time actually going for it and having fun. But, of course, the first person I’ve dated since my ex that I’ve actually felt a connection with seems to be pretty avoidant. Shocker. We’ve only been on 2 dates but have already been intimate. He is a bit older than me, an artist, and (in addition to using the word avoidant to describe himself) has said things on our dates that indicate he loooooves being alone and doesn’t know if partnership/marriage is ultimately for him (he has been in long relationships before.) He even took 4 months to text me after I gave him my number on the app lol. We get along crazy well in person and have a lot of fun. But I’m not blind to the things he’s revealed about himself. No point to this post except to say that I’m disappointed that the person I’ve connected with most in the last months is avoidant and is definitely already pushing me anxious. I definitely shouldn’t be intimate so early on, which I know for myself, but I get caught up in having fun and how good it feels to connect with someone in that way again. I will give myself credit though for recognizing these things, really trying not to blame myself, and just overall be more self aware while dating than I was when I met my ex. I just fear my “taste” in men won’t change and I’ll always be drawn to/attracted to men who will eventually pull away from me. Just venting. It starts with awareness and making different choices then in the past… |
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Post by trippintre on Sept 28, 2023 1:23:24 GMT
Been dating lightly in the months since my breakup and have actually been enjoying it. Been on dates with different men, all of which I’ve enjoyed fair enough but nothing has materialized from them, which I’m more than ok with for now. Just taking my time to meet different people and notice how I feel in response to them. I never dated much before my last ex so this is really my first time actually going for it and having fun. But, of course, the first person I’ve dated since my ex that I’ve actually felt a connection with seems to be pretty avoidant. Shocker. We’ve only been on 2 dates but have already been intimate. He is a bit older than me, an artist, and (in addition to using the word avoidant to describe himself) has said things on our dates that indicate he loooooves being alone and doesn’t know if partnership/marriage is ultimately for him (he has been in long relationships before.) He even took 4 months to text me after I gave him my number on the app lol. We get along crazy well in person and have a lot of fun. But I’m not blind to the things he’s revealed about himself. No point to this post except to say that I’m disappointed that the person I’ve connected with most in the last months is avoidant and is definitely already pushing me anxious. I definitely shouldn’t be intimate so early on, which I know for myself, but I get caught up in having fun and how good it feels to connect with someone in that way again. I will give myself credit though for recognizing these things, really trying not to blame myself, and just overall be more self aware while dating than I was when I met my ex. I just fear my “taste” in men won’t change and I’ll always be drawn to/attracted to men who will eventually pull away from me. Just venting. It starts with awareness and making different choices then in the past… Well at least I have the awareness part down lol |
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Post by cherrycola on Sept 28, 2023 2:25:39 GMT
He is definitely telling you exactly who he is and it's great that you are starting to be able to tune in to this. It's all about baby steps. I think we can all be guilty of wishing we were different than we who really are but unless we've done steps to back it up, then it's really just fanciful talk and wishful thinking.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 28, 2023 8:31:14 GMT
It can take quite a while after awareness for the "type" you're attracted to to shift. When it does, it's because what's actually shifted is your own emotional availability. The more comfortable with yourself and connected to yourself you are, the more likely your type will naturally shift to someone who is also moving more towards that secure space. Inconsistency and being non-commital won't be attractive for you anymore as you grow more secure in yourself. In the meantime, sparks may still fly with avoidants and other insecures, but I agree with what was already said in the comments here. Awareness means you have the information to practice making different decisions, and the entire process is baby steps. Don't beat yourself up for feeling things that are normal for anyone working on their issues but who isn't done yet... do look at the bigger picture of what YOU want and decide if this person is bringing you closer or further from those goals. If you're eventually looking for marriage or other long-term commitment, he's already told you he's not the right person for that. But if you want casual fun, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to oblige.
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Post by introvert on Sept 28, 2023 13:52:04 GMT
You've been on two dates, he didn't push you anxious you went in anxious if you feel some strong connection this early.
And of course a man who wants to have sex immediately is going to make sure you're having a good time and lots of fun. That isn't hard to accomplish, all he's got to plan is a good date, it's low investment high reward for a casual sex encounter.
This stuff doesn't magically change in you, you'd have to actually make a concerted effort to work through your traits and change them. "I definitely shouldn't but..." means you're not done sabotaging yourself with insecure patterns.
You'll be done when you can say "I know I shouldn't and I don't."
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Post by trippintre on Sept 28, 2023 17:49:25 GMT
You've been on two dates, he didn't push you anxious you went in anxious if you feel some strong connection this early. And of course a man who wants to have sex immediately is going to make sure you're having a good time and lots of fun. That isn't hard to accomplish, all he's got to plan is a good date, it's low investment high reward for a casual sex encounter. This stuff doesn't magically change in you, you'd have to actually make a concerted effort to work through your traits and change them. "I definitely shouldn't but..." means you're not done sabotaging yourself with insecure patterns. You'll be done when you can say "I know I shouldn't and I don't." Totally agree, didn’t mean to use the word “push” to imply something about his behavior “making” me do/feel something, more that I was just noticing my reactions to him and how I’ve felt thus far. I think I’m definitely at step 1 of healing all of this and obviously am not done sabotaging myself in a way but really I feel that a big part of my issue is that I don’t really know what I want. And until I really know what I want from a relationship it’s going to be hard to make specific choices that get me there because I don’t know yet what “there” is. Which is a journey I’m still going on internally. I’m hoping having more dating experiences will help me figure it out. |
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Post by mysteryuser on Oct 5, 2023 15:58:55 GMT
Hi! I think we've had similar past experiences and are both dating again. I will not say my feelings and attraction towards avoidants have changed drastically, but I do feel my actions have. I've forced myself to stop engaging with people that don't have the same goals, take days to get back to me, try to get intimate early on, or don't make it obvious that they want to see where things go with me. I think forcing your actions or asking a friend to keep you accountable could very well be the lowest hanging fruit on this journey, because once you unmatch or make it clear you're not interested, you can't really go back easily.
As for feelings, I'm also a bit stuck. I recently matched with someone who seemed self-assured, confident, driven, similar in wavelength on future goals, and very attractive, but we did not align on some fundamental values (religion in our day-to-day lives). I forced myself to turn him down because I felt myself wanting to impress this attractive, confident man and compromising on a few values just to see where things go and in the hope that he would change (as if!). It sucks because I still think about this stranger I never met and compare other people to him - but I keep reminding myself that it's less about this person I don't even know and more about my need to earn his appreciation and how I'm putting him on a pedestal. That said, this also makes me think about how it's not just avoidants but *anyone* that we put on a pedestal that we want to impress is going to activate our anxiety, and so simply dating a secure won't cure all our problems. We have to have very strong boundaries and not let ourselves compromise on our needs and values. In fact, one of the things I admire is also a growth-mindset and resilience, and unaware insecures that don't put in the work to help themselves is putting me off bit by bit.
I also find asking myself whether the spark/excitement is due to me wanting to know more about them and spend time with them or whether it comes from the rush of them validating us when we are uncertain helps me differentiate between excitement vs anxious activation. I still don't feel the rush with secures, but once I know whether my hesitation is due to incompatibility or lack of activation, I know how to proceed. It's very tricky for me still, but staying away from people I feel I have to abandon my boundaries/values to accommodate is helping at least shift the window of tolerance.
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Post by trippintre on Apr 1, 2024 19:57:14 GMT
Hi everyone!
Just thought I would provide an update on my journey here! The man I originally posted this about is now my boyfriend and we have been together for the last 6-7 months. He is definitely an avoidant person but in getting to know him more deeply, it is now clear how this avoidance plays out and manifests. He communicates well and we have been consistently open with each other about where our heads are at in life/in our relationship and it really has been so lovely being with him. His avoidance manifests mostly in feeling the urge to isolate when his life gets hard/work becomes intense and he has to make a conscious effort to fight that urge. This is something he is able to communicate about and we've been able to make it feel good (for both of us).
He is going through a rough period with work and life right now and feels very unstable for multiple different reasons. He finds it hard to be present in our relationship when he is feeling so chaotic in his life. For the first time in my life/in a relationship, I'm understanding that this has nothing to do with me as a partner/person. I can't make someone feel better about their own life, that is entirely up to him. For now he is looking forward to getting back to a place where he feels more connected to himself and I'm hoping that happens as well but all I can do is be supportive of his journey at the moment. If it doesn't work out, I'll be ok. Although clearly in this instance I am still attracted to his avoidance, I am proud of myself for communicating clearly and openly and being open to the fact that I can't change someone else. If at any point this relationship isn't something I'm happy in, I have the ability to walk away. Giving myself agency and not feeling like a victim to circumstance has been incredibly helpful for my mental health and its something I never felt in my last relationship/breakup. For now, this relationship is bringing me a lot of joy and hopefully it stays that way but for the first time I feel like I'm being open and honest with my partner and they are doing the same. It's so interesting being in this relationship vs my last where my partner didn't communicate anything to me before blindsiding me. My boyfriend now tells me whats happening in his head and brings me into his world where we can talk about it together.
I think the biggest difference between this relationship and my last is that this time I'm actually listening to what my partner says and I'm not scared to ask questions and get clarity for fear of the outcome.
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