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Post by summer on Dec 20, 2017 14:55:34 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 20, 2017 15:36:20 GMT
I am beginning to believe that DAs see time in a very different way than APs do. I think they have very strong time boundaries and don't like to commit to anything until they are sure about it. My ex used to use very polite language such as " I would like to come over tonight if that is ok with you". I used to find that rather odd...but looking at it from a boundary perspective..it makes sense. He would also say things like "I would like to come over, but I am just not sure about what time yet". One time I was trying to organize a hike with him and it took him 8 hours to respond and the response was a solid maybe....until the evening before the hike when he solidified his plans with another friend but said he could come over afterwards. It did drive me bonkers.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2017 15:51:51 GMT
This all sounds really familiar - my da ex who I was with for 6 years, couldn't commit to anything in advance. At Christmas it wasn't until Christmas eve that he would finally announce his plans - always to come to my house but he would never actually say it until the last minute. Drove me mad - it meant I couldn't plan my life in any way unless I hung on for him. Once he joined me on holiday - but it wasn't until I was on the way home that he texted to say he was on the way. Funny but not when you live with it long term......
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 20, 2017 16:40:50 GMT
Thanks, I needed to be reminded of this behavior. Ive been missing my ex like crazy the last few days, no specific reason why since I haven't heard a peep out of him.
He used to make a date with me and then the day of I'd be anxious all day until he actually got home and hopped in the shower. Once that happened I knew the date was going to happen, but never before. I started not getting ready myself until he jumped in the shower. He picked up on that at some point and seemed confused. I didn't bother to explain. Whats the point?
Also, he said he would spend the night or spend a whole day with me and when asked to do that, he would just change the subject or say, again, it'll happen, someday. He never spent the night in 18 months...
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Post by DearLover on Dec 20, 2017 16:56:08 GMT
Yes. Last minute plans and flakiness. Always busy, overwhelmed with work or whatever issue, always not sure.
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Post by kismett on Dec 20, 2017 19:16:37 GMT
Yes and this triggered me horribly. I could tell early on my avoidant friend was not a “planner” like me. As an AP, planning my day gives me safety. I know plans can change and that can bother me a bit but I have gotten better with handling that as long as I’m made aware in advance.
My avoidant (ex) friend in the early stages our friendship would plan a day of the week, but then flake out the morning of only when I asked him what time to meet. I would have a significant physical reaction. I would be drained for days. Later in the friendship I asked him to come to solid events the night before and that worked a few times. And then towards the end of the friendship he would make a plan the next day vaguely in the afternoon. Never contact me for 8 hours and by the time I had an anxiety attack he was confused as to why I was hurt almost as though we never made plans to meet. He would sleep through half the day and just not let me know something was going to change in advance. When I finally told him I’m ok with plans changing, but just let me know a bit sooner so I don’t stress, I could sense that was the point where he began to withdraw. A week and a half later he cut everything off. I was so gentle about that and it baffles me there is no compromise when I bent over backward to always make him feel comfortable.
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Post by valentin3 on Dec 21, 2017 0:01:50 GMT
Yes, this is totally normal for DA. When we were friends, he did that alot because I could sign him into gym for free but I could never know his schedule until like late at night a day before. Even so... sometimes he would be late, if he's a little late, I would sit around and drink coffee so that I could wait for him. If he was super late, I would just proceed on my own and ask if he would still come at all. It didn't bother me then since he was just friends... or merely acquaintance actually. It starts getting annoying when we were dating and he was always late, almost throughout the 2 years time frame. Either that or he would tell me to wait at home... and he said it was for my convenience that he travel over and even so I had to wait for hours. It annoys me because I feel like my weekend is gone to waste waiting for a person whom you have no idea when he would arrive. Somehow, we worked together and he's always timely for work but yet he can never be timely for our dates. He claims he is a very "timely" person that is why he always check his watches. Until now, I don't even know how that even make sense at all, apart from it meaning that my time is not his priority.
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