AA to FA? Would love some suggestions and thoughts

I do believe there is a natural “swing” that happens….i don’t view it as becoming FA because in the FA attachment, both anxious and avoidant behaviors are present.  I think what you are describing is a natural progression of discovering boundaries (at times, they will come across as walls) and learning to value yourself more….which naturally results in some distrust of others initially.  I agree with alexandra….there is no need to date right now.  In fact, I would encourage you to appreciate this new found space without adding the complexities of dating. Over time, as you grow more comfortable with being who you are and knowing you are ok….you will gradually move to boundaries that are more flexible…and be able to trust others and their intentions.  

Yes, this is me. I will quit dating for a while, especially since I made this post after having hurt someone in this process - I behaved in ways I always despised in others (nothing intentional/deliberate, but I just could not trust someone who tried for a while to earn my trust, and he could tell I couldn't trust him). And yeah, right now every thing is RED ALERT, and I can't tell the difference between genuine red flags and things I'm blowing up in my head. I have little to no trust in myself. I'm glad about the progress I'm making, but I've reached a dead-end. I trust myself blindly when it comes to other parts of my life and my therapist has recommended making a list of the ways in which I can trust my gut.

Some passing thoughts and insights from someone that seems to be going through similar experiences. I have been dating a bit recently, as a means to explore how I feel around people, what my body feels, where it feels it, how I trust it or not trust it, how I present to others, how others perceive me, probing what the dating landscape is like. I also know that if I cross paths with someone that is good for me now, I will recognize them.

- The anxious attachment is called preoccupied but also ambivalent for a reason. All insecure people use strategies to protect themselves from potential hurt. I haven’t felt too critical of people but I do feel my finger fidgeting over a red button that it wants to push as soon as something feels off. All schemas can also trigger avoidant coping methods, including the schemas associated with anxious attachment. Having some avoidant coping strategies doesn’t make you a DA or an FA. Having a foot out the door in the beginning doesn’t show you are FA, it just shows you’re afraid of getting hurt again. Which is understandable after an FA textbook experience. From my understanding predominantly FA people use avoidant strategies when triggered from secure connection and intimacy later down the road because they fear enmeshment in addition to abandonment, which does not seem to be your case right now. I also feel the need to jettison everything before it even starts because I am too afraid of making a mistake again. Or I’m too afraid I won’t have the strength to disconnect if the situation proves unhealthy later down the line, because I don’t trust myself enough just yet as you mentioned. But never without an actual hint that the other person actually is in some way unavailable.

- You don’t owe a commitment to explore a connection with anyone unless you’re in a committed relationship with them. Not even someone that tries to get to know you or is insistant on giving you abundant love. You deal with your side, they deal with theirs. You are where you are at and you’re allowed to date around as long as you like without committing to anyone as long as you’re not leading them on, you remain respectful and are not playing hot and cold. A lot of people chased me when they felt my doubts or need to go slower. A lot of people felt I owed them something because they were ready to give me something. It is up to them to figure out why they did this when they sensed someone unavailable to them, and up to me to figure out my side of the equation.

- Online dating has A LOT of insecure and unavailable people. You might be feeling like your defenses are set too high, but it could also be that you don’t trust your gut enough when something feels off. Maybe it’s a bit of both? Even the most secure acting person would tell you that online dating is very tough and discouraging when looking for a life partner, be careful not to treat it as a big beautiful basket full of ripe fruit, and attacking yourself because you can’t find your match immediately. My sister is the most secure person I have consistent access to and she’s in a very healthy 15 year marriage with two kids. I’ve been talking to her a lot and we’ve been discussing things over. Most often when I would mention to her something my date said that triggered doubt or that mostly made me feel guilty for being hypervigilant, she would in the span of 2 seconds tell me that what my date said was a turn off. She would straight up tell me “who says that stuff”, whereas I had spent 2 days analyzing why my date said that thing, what kind of unavailability could it hide, am I being too sensitive, am I now FA, was I always FA, am I actually DA? Hello preoccupation! I neglected to ask myself if I’m attracted or turned off by what she said and do I want a life partner that would say this kind of thing. I realized that the main difference between me and her, is that she trusts herself a lot more than I trust myself. She completely bypasses the phase of “what’s wrong with me for feeling that way and not giving that person a chance even though they seem to be into me” and goes to “this person doesn’t feel safe, up to my standards of emotional availability, or I straight up don’t like what they said (values mismatch?)”. Being secure doesn’t mean you’re giving a chance to anyone that might give you the time of day or that doesn’t have big glaring avoidant red flags. It can mean you sort people you want to be with or without faster and more importantly, without shame. Maybe you do have your filters set to too high. So what? It doesn’t matter, that’s where you are right now, maybe that’s where you need to be while you’re dipping your toe back in dating.

- It seems you might have found a new stick to hit yourself with, first for your attachment and now for your healing? I try to remember to talk to myself with the ultimate love and understanding, at any stage. Sentences like “It makes sense I’m a bit on edge and hypervigilant, with one foot out the door at all times, I’ve been and have been going through a lot, I was blindsided, I might be wary of this or that and I’ll figure it out in time. I’m proud of turning inwards, I want to heal and honor myself and I know the road to security is rough. I’m dating as a means of self discovery and exploring connection. I know I will recognize a secure partner and someone good for me for what I’m going through now, when we cross paths.”

- I too have been struggling with the shame of potentially making a wrong decision, so I understand your struggle. I try to ask myself questions like: Why do I care so much about what people will think of me for having another failed relationship or worse, getting left again? Why do I link my worth to my relationship status? Why do I feel my value is linked with someone outwardly proclaiming love to me, as if it was proof that I’m worthy of love? The more I love myself, the more the love glows, the more people that know me are in awe of my pursuit, the less I feel the shame.

- In this preoccupied mindset of potential shame and impending doom, I usually fail to take into account some important things. Such as the slowly emerging realization that even though my last two relationships ended by the other party, they ended at the point they ended because I started protecting my boundaries and started to refuse to play part in the insecure dynamics, not the opposite. They ended because my rising security was threatening them, not the opposite. The fact that people don’t judge me for people leaving me, and if they do, it says more about them and their maturity level. The fact that few people around me actually have the relationship I’m looking and holding out for. I have found that flipping it from a victimized position to an empowered one helps a lot. Flipping it from “I got abandoned again or I always get abandoned” to “I’m and adult, I can’t get abandoned, I’m learning how to love and show up for myself, learning how to build secure connection, learning how to chose a right partner, and in that process if someone leaves something healthy it will say more about them then it will say about me”. Flipping it from “People are judging me for not being in a long term relationship” to “People that matter are inspired by my pursuit of healing and my search for a healthy relationship“. Flipping it from “Why does everyone seem to be in relationships except me” to “I’d rather have no relationship at all than to start or stay in an unhealthy one”. Flipping it from “Everyone around me seems to be in secure relationships except me” to “Security and happiness is not a zero sum game, I don’t know what other people are going through, I don’t know how healthy other relationships are, I’m doing my utmost best and showing up for myself in my worthy pursuit to security etc”.

- The often used “A secure person would” is a fallacy to me. There is only “A secure ME would”. Don’t guilt yourself for not being this mythical creature called secure. The way I see it now is that there are people that are acting from predominantly secure places or predominantly insecure places. I’d say the thing you need to focus on now is if you’re acting by and listening to your CURRENT needs and setting and protecting your CURRENT boundaries, and not acting out of unfounded fear. In time this will get ingrained and automatic, but you’re already acting secure if you do that in a sense.

- I feel my anxiously attached parts try to use my newly found greater awareness and security as a covert attempt to control the uncontrollable under a guise of “now I have no excuse for not picking right”. The truth is you can’t control if your next relationship is going to be your last one, be it with a secure person or not. I think most secure people don’t even think about recognizing someone secure, or don’t actually have a greater ability to pick the right partner. They just know when they’re put off by something, they know how to leave unhealthy situations and they tend to bring things to a head faster by asking for their needs to be met or protecting their boundaries. So basically the healthy secure relationships you see don’t exist because they knew how to pick the right partner like a target they were looking for, they are just the relationships that stuck between two secure people after going through the rest faster till they got lucky.

- My therapist told me that my goal of wanting to heal, to face and end the multigenerational trauma of my family, to build a mutually committed, happy and safe connection with someone is ambitious. Don’t forget that. It feels hard, because well, it is! And you’re doing this because you want this for yourself and you’re starting to believe you’re worth it.

  This was VERY insightful and it was helpful to know I am not alone. Most of these thoughts mirror mine.