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drugs
Jan 25, 2024 7:41:52 GMT
Post by profoundconfusion on Jan 25, 2024 7:41:52 GMT
🥸
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 25, 2024 8:04:43 GMT
I will be honest, I am an FA who can swing rather avoidant and I found your entire post triggering. It reminds me of all the AP friends I had who though they were being secure but really were overly invested in me and my behavior. Now this is just me, I am sure you are a lovely person, but this is all just too much.
For the longest time, I could not understand why an AP fawning over me would cause me to retreat even further away, and then I read "what happened to you?" and they explained it that when you have trauma you need micro doses of safe spaces. Not big intense ones. From my understanding of people who are AP in their background, they almost see someone sharing their pain / trauma as a source of pride? Like look this avoidant really trusts me and is sharing this big giant trauma.
To an AP being a safe secure space means encouraging me to talk about my trauma. So if I said something like "I'm feeling really sad my mom died" they would go OMG OMG OMG, TELL ME MORE I AM YOUR SAFE SPACE but this felt like an invasion of me. I did not want to say more. I just wanted to say the sad thing. So suddenly I am backing up. When I say the same thing to my very secure friend he would validate me and move on. If I wanted to say more, I knew from his response I was welcome to keep talking, or change the subject. I was in control. So I could feel the VERY INTENSE very sad thing in a contained space, he contained it for me. And then I was able to re-regulate and come back and keep going. Which meant that overtime I came to learn that this friend is safe. This friend can not only tolerate my huge feelings, he will validate me and he will hold space for me to fully feel them while letting me stay in control of my experience. I do not have to worry about friend.
So from what I can see, you are trying too hard to control the experience of this FA and it is going to blow up in your face. I would possibly, suggest a single emoji as "I need space" full stop. No explanation, no nothing. Just I need space. Because all the rest, that is for her to figure out on her own with the appropriate work, be that reading, or therapy, or religion or mindfulness.
My friendship with someone who was in a very AP space blew up, I have posted about it in another thread. I tried my best to set boundaries, but I couldn't hold them well and they often would rail road right over me. I would ask for space and they would respect that, but sometimes I needed months of it. They held a torch for me despite them saying they were fine with "just friends" but I could constantly feel their expectations. When they actually came right out and said I wasn't meeting their expectations of what they needed in a friend I felt betrayed. I told them flat out when we started I was an FA in therapy and struggle with maintaining closeness and the things they were expecting of me were of a partner and not a friend. We no longer speak.
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drugs
Jan 25, 2024 13:25:54 GMT
via mobile
Post by introvert on Jan 25, 2024 13:25:54 GMT
I'd recommend taking this post to a qualified therapist and continuing to work on your AP attachment which is much more than a tendency... it's in full control of your thinking here.
The list idea is just so inappropriate.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 25, 2024 20:11:51 GMT
I want to add that as an FA who has leaned anxious….i recognize this tactic all too well. But generalizing her experience by asking those of us who are FA/DA to share our experience of deactivation is negating her own unique trauma. How would you feel if you were not considered an autonomous individual with your own story and your own trauma? I get it….a message board is an easier approach then approaching someone who you do not know how she will respond….but….that just means that she still has her work cut out for her. I would highly, highly suggest somatic experiencing therapy to address the over involvement, assumptions and assessment of her life. That is what has worked for me….getting back into my own body….experiencing my own pain and working through it….developing an “I “ narrative instead of a “you” one. Life is a million times better now that I don’t over analyze every single action and word from other people.
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Post by kirrok on Jan 25, 2024 20:17:14 GMT
You may notice that 98% of your initial post is completely about this other person. Friend, this is not secure behavior by any stretch of the definition, and much of what you've written comes off as codependent. You seem to have drifted WAY over into her lane and you're about to cause a massive accident.
I have no idea what the list is supposed to be about. You expect this other person to cross-reference this emoji list to codify and signify to you – who provided these definitions and indicators – how she's feeling relative to her communication with you? That's creative for sure, but if I received something like this from someone, I'd decline under the strongest terms, and perhaps even end the relationship. This is controlling, manipulative, and cloying – bordering on mind control. For your own sake and for the sake of this other person, don't do this.
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drugs
Jan 25, 2024 20:40:14 GMT
via mobile
Post by cherrycola on Jan 25, 2024 20:40:14 GMT
You may notice that 98% of your initial post is completely about this other person. Friend, this is not secure behavior by any stretch of the definition, and much of what you've written comes off as codependent. You seem to have drifted WAY over into her lane and you're about to cause a massive accident. I have no idea what the list is supposed to be about. You expect this other person to cross-reference this emoji list to codify and signify to you – who provided these definitions and indicators – how she's feeling relative to her communication with you? That's creative for sure, but if I received something like this from someone, I'd decline under the strongest terms, and perhaps even end the relationship. This is controlling, manipulative, and cloying – bordering on mind control. For your own sake and for the sake of this other person, don't do this. It also comes to mind that if an individual is able to process their feelings to the point of assigning an emoji on this list, then they don't even need the list to begin with. Let alone some of those items are very vulnerable and I don't feel I always owe that to a friend. I get to decided how much or how little to share and sometimes after thinking about things it's a me thing. And others I'll come back and be like hey, so this thing.
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drugs
Jan 25, 2024 21:12:11 GMT
Post by tnr9 on Jan 25, 2024 21:12:11 GMT
You may notice that 98% of your initial post is completely about this other person. Friend, this is not secure behavior by any stretch of the definition, and much of what you've written comes off as codependent. You seem to have drifted WAY over into her lane and you're about to cause a massive accident. I have no idea what the list is supposed to be about. You expect this other person to cross-reference this emoji list to codify and signify to you – who provided these definitions and indicators – how she's feeling relative to her communication with you? That's creative for sure, but if I received something like this from someone, I'd decline under the strongest terms, and perhaps even end the relationship. This is controlling, manipulative, and cloying – bordering on mind control. For your own sake and for the sake of this other person, don't do this. It also comes to mind that if an individual is able to process their feelings to the point of assigning an emoji on this list, then they don't even need the list to begin with. Let alone some of those items are very vulnerable and I don't feel I always owe that to a friend. I get to decided how much or how little to share and sometimes after thinking about things it's a me thing. And others I'll come back and be like hey, so this thing. Agreed…a list really isn’t necessary. B and I made an agreement that an emoji (did not matter what kind) was sufficient to show he read my text and he was ok. Otherwise, I would spiral into what ifs and that was not good for either of us. Outside of that…communication was regular texts or seeing each other in person.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 25, 2024 21:30:01 GMT
Another thought that came to mind…Trust….trust is a very big component of any relationship at any level…but when someone interprets my words or actions for me or suggests what I should do when I haven’t asked for it…that really breaks down trust. Trust for me is right up there with safety. It is something I did an incredibly piss poor job with B because I was more concerned with regulating my own nervous system then hearing him speak about his doubts, his fears, his needs…..had I listened, I would have gracefully bowed out months before we broke up. He was telling me in the only way he knew how that things were not working and I kept trying to read into that narrative rather than take it at face value. I kept looking for signs that there was a chance and ignoring anything to the contrary. Trust what she is telling you about how she feels, trust her statements about herself..,trust that she will ask if she wants your input, trust that she can chart her own path to healing and finally…trust that you can let go of needing to use the words “to me she feels…” or “ she seems” and whenever those thoughts come up…..ask her what she feels or ask her how she is.
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drugs
Jan 26, 2024 8:45:51 GMT
Post by profoundconfusion on Jan 26, 2024 8:45:51 GMT
I'd recommend taking this post to a qualified therapist and continuing to work on your AP attachment which is much more than a tendency... it's in full control of your thinking here. The list idea is just so inappropriate. It's the drugs lmao but I have 3 therapists already and one specializes in attachment thanks tho
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drugs
Jan 26, 2024 11:16:08 GMT
Post by tnr9 on Jan 26, 2024 11:16:08 GMT
I'd recommend taking this post to a qualified therapist and continuing to work on your AP attachment which is much more than a tendency... it's in full control of your thinking here. The list idea is just so inappropriate. It's the drugs lmao but I have 3 therapists already and one specializes in attachment thanks tho I still recommend somatic experiencing versus attachment theory specialty…..because in somatic experiencing…it is about your own trauma. I had another therapist who made it too easy to talk about the other person for my entire session….i did make some progress with her….but I spent so many hours on things I had no control in addressing.
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Post by introvert on Jan 26, 2024 15:43:30 GMT
I'd recommend taking this post to a qualified therapist and continuing to work on your AP attachment which is much more than a tendency... it's in full control of your thinking here. The list idea is just so inappropriate. It's the drugs lmao but I have 3 therapists already and one specializes in attachment thanks tho Drugs? If you are seeing 3 therapists and came up with this anyway, and drugs are the explanation, you are in no way relationship ready. Continued focus on her issues is madness.
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Post by sunrisequest on Jan 27, 2024 4:28:11 GMT
I will be honest, I am an FA who can swing rather avoidant and I found your entire post triggering. It reminds me of all the AP friends I had who though they were being secure but really were overly invested in me and my behavior. Now this is just me, I am sure you are a lovely person, but this is all just too much. For the longest time, I could not understand why an AP fawning over me would cause me to retreat even further away, and then I read "what happened to you?" and they explained it that when you have trauma you need micro doses of safe spaces. Not big intense ones. From my understanding of people who are AP in their background, they almost see someone sharing their pain / trauma as a source of pride? Like look this avoidant really trusts me and is sharing this big giant trauma. To an AP being a safe secure space means encouraging me to talk about my trauma. So if I said something like "I'm feeling really sad my mom died" they would go OMG OMG OMG, TELL ME MORE I AM YOUR SAFE SPACE but this felt like an invasion of me. I did not want to say more. I just wanted to say the sad thing. So suddenly I am backing up. When I say the same thing to my very secure friend he would validate me and move on. If I wanted to say more, I knew from his response I was welcome to keep talking, or change the subject. I was in control. So I could feel the VERY INTENSE very sad thing in a contained space, he contained it for me. And then I was able to re-regulate and come back and keep going. Which meant that overtime I came to learn that this friend is safe. This friend can not only tolerate my huge feelings, he will validate me and he will hold space for me to fully feel them while letting me stay in control of my experience. I do not have to worry about friend. So from what I can see, you are trying too hard to control the experience of this FA and it is going to blow up in your face. I would possibly, suggest a single emoji as "I need space" full stop. No explanation, no nothing. Just I need space. Because all the rest, that is for her to figure out on her own with the appropriate work, be that reading, or therapy, or religion or mindfulness. My friendship with someone who was in a very AP space blew up, I have posted about it in another thread. I tried my best to set boundaries, but I couldn't hold them well and they often would rail road right over me. I would ask for space and they would respect that, but sometimes I needed months of it. They held a torch for me despite them saying they were fine with "just friends" but I could constantly feel their expectations. When they actually came right out and said I wasn't meeting their expectations of what they needed in a friend I felt betrayed. I told them flat out when we started I was an FA in therapy and struggle with maintaining closeness and the things they were expecting of me were of a partner and not a friend. We no longer speak. I can't see the original post to comment on it, but just wanted to say your response made me laugh totally out loud Username, it was so great. That was totally me many years ago, that annoying person who would get excited when people would share their trauma with me, and go over the top to make them feel I was their safe space... oh god... it's amazing to read about yourself in other people's words sometimes. I am cringing so much, yet really grateful that I can be compassionate with myself about it, and recognise the difference now between secure and anxious validation. Thanks for verbalising this so well.
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