Disliked Forever by Triggered Avoidants?

I very much wanted his approval. For him to be proud of me. To pay attention to me and feel a special bond. It’s very confusing. And slightly embarrassing to be honest. But aren’t our attachment systems tied to our upbringing and what we lacked?

I guess I’m wondering why it matters what he thinks of you? Again this is a person who coldly cut you off and caused you tremendous pain. But it seems like you are still focused on his feelings and thoughts?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm..................................................

To use an analogy; imagine you really want to go scuba diving but to go scuba diving you need a "buddy" or a partner because it's only something you can do in pairs.  So you are out there on the ocean with your dive buddy in your wetsuits and everyone else is already in the water, but your dive buddy won't get off the boat.  He's terrified of water (although he really want to scuba dive).  So instead of scuba diving, you're swimming along side the boat, telling him it's safe and it's okay and the water is beautiful and he should come in.  You're like a cheerleader and sounding so enthusiastic but you can't convince him because his fear of the water is just too strong.  So you end up not going scuba diving at all.  Or at most you end up going for a swim and putting your face in but you're not really scuba diving because your partner won't go.  You feel sad and deflated because you really did want to do it!!!

When you really examine the situation though....why pick to go scuba diving with someone who's told you they are terrified of the water?  Seems a strange choice?

Secretly BOTH people are terrified of scuba diving.  The one in the boat obviously is, but the one swimming alongside can conveniently act like they're not because their partner is not available for scuba diving hence they never actually have to face their own terror of going under water and they can avoid the whole process by just acting out the story.

So what I am saying is....you could not possibly have picked a more "unavailable" scuba partner here than a gay avoidant!  That's like the gold standard, there is absolutely no possibility of any relationship ever, under any circumstances, and yet your post reads like someone in a romantic and deeply emotional relationship.

So I think what's going on here is that you are acting out a pseudo romantic relationship with this DA because you know for sure it's safe, that he's never going to love you back and that way you don't have to dive under water.  I think you might be FA rather than AP?  If you are, then you're putting yourself into this situation unwittingly and then beating yourself up.  Self perpetuating cycle of pain because you're convinced you want intimacy but secretly deep down maybe it terrifies you.

Friends are much less likely to reject you than romantic partners.  Much less likely to be quite so intimate.  Much less likely to be dependent on you or vice versa.  

Whatever the case, and sorry for the armchair psychology, I think he doesn't hate you.  Of course not. He probably just feels (as we have all felt just from reading what you wrote) that it's a bit overkill for a platonic relationship and I think that probably made him feel very uncomfortable and as if not seeing you was the best thing to do.  He will just forget about it and probably some time in future you can / will be friends again once you've resolved this attachment issue with him (which is for you to do by yourself).  Sixty days of no contact and then check in on him, but please don't send long emotioanl emails....I'd be really freaked out if a friend did that to me...just send a breezy message asking how he is in a couple of months and I am sure it will be fine.

I deep down don't think this is really about him at all though!  

Apologies Kismett, it sounded like a post about an unrequited love. I must have misinterpreted your feelings.

Apology accepted

Thank you for saying that. I think my concern comes from reading on these forums that avoidants are triggered because they feel controlled and manipulated. He actually shamed me in his last message about how people perceive me. He was very vague but I wonder if he perceives me as controlling and manipulative, when I was just very scared.

I may be totally off base, but here is what I see from the information provided. You saw him as a sort of father figure and being a gay man, was safe to assume he would not have romantic feelings for you, hence it seemed ok to see him this way. As a "daughter", you really want to win his approval, pride etc. I don't know if he was able to give you some of that in the past or perhaps was uncomfortable with you placing such importance on the relationship.

But to your question: "But I guess my initial question still stands of whether it’s a hard and fast rule that avoidants turn a switch on people who triggered them. Seeing them only in a negative light.". I can only answer from my own point of view and I do not speak for any other avoidant.
For me, it depends on the trigger, how often it occurred and the nature of the relationship. If this person was always supportive of me in the past and had respected my boundaries, but slipped up once or twice, I may take some space, but it will easily be forgotten with some time. If I can think back and see a pattern of triggers with this person, it could very well be the final defining incident. This happened with a best friend of mine. She didn't show up to my brother's funeral. I didn't speak to her after that day, not because she didn't come to the funeral, but because we had a long history of her lying and backstabbing me, including sleeping with a guy that I was dating. It was just the defining moment. That was 15 years ago. We have mutual friends in common, so I have seen her a few times in those 15 years and I speak to her cordially, but we were never friends again.

She did send me a letter apologizing profusely, but I could never see allowing her back into my heart. The letter was just not enough to undo the damage.

No one here can tell you what he's thinking or what will happen. I have always been one to say that if sending a letter will make you feel better, then send it. If he doesn't respond and you think that will break you, don't send it.