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Post by iz42 on Feb 16, 2024 20:50:05 GMT
I'm having a hard time this week. I'm still working through it and thought writing here might help. My partner (DA) and I have a recurring conflict about my sensitivity. I have both HSP and ADHD - it's true that I'm very sensitive. It makes life more difficult and I take full responsibility for this. I have worked over time to accept these parts of myself and also try to self-soothe and adjust my reactions in the moment. It's a work in progress but I do put in a lot of effort.
With my partner, what often happens is that he can sense a shift in my demeanor when my feelings get hurt, but if I tell him directly what's going on, his initial response is often to suggest that I should just let it go. Over time, I have become increasingly overwhelmed because it feels like there is no "good" way to move forward and to resolve and repair in those moments. From lots of therapy I know that the healthy approach is to try be direct and authentic (while also staying calm and regulated). But if I do that, it often leads to discussions about whether my response is reasonable or am I overreacting, etc. I have started going into freeze/shut down mode in those situations because I literally don't know what to do other than pulling back to try to figure it out and/or soothe myself. My partner can sense that I'm shutting down and this makes him think I am dwelling on the original issue, which he takes as even more proof that I'm overreacting. We get into circular arguments about how my sensitivity impacts him and how I should try to let things go more quickly.
At least for me, I get hooked into these conflicts because I feel misunderstood and blamed, which quickly escalates the feelings of shame I already have about my sensitivity. I see how I can set stronger boundaries around not engaging in such conversations and just validating my own feelings, taking space, etc. But other than that I'm not sure if there's much I can do. The whole thing is very difficult because I know it's true that I am sensitive and I understand why it would cause issues for him. For the record, he also has ADHD and he can be quite reactive around his own feelings, but it usually presents as anger/frustration rather than hurt/sadness. I'm trying to be gentle and compassionate with myself but oof, this is very tough.
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Post by introvert on Feb 17, 2024 2:58:51 GMT
I am sensitive too, HSP but not adhd. I sometimes have feelings of shame about it. I can be pretty tough on myself and sometimes fail to see that I need a boundary around how someone talks to me or tries to manage my feelings. It can be easy to allow sensitivity and the self consciousness around it to obscure our ability to see when someone is crossing emotional lines and stepping out of their lane in how they talk to us. I get the sense that his own ADHD is pushing the limits here... do you get that sense? Do you have a therapist you can bounce it off of to see if you can assert some boundaries that honor your feelings and don't have you on you back foot with his reactions?
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Post by kirrok on Feb 17, 2024 14:36:51 GMT
I want to acknowledge and validate your sense of distress. Hearing “just let it go” from your partner is invalidating and dismissive of your feelings. Your partner doesn’t need to agree with your feelings, tell you that you’re too sensitive, tell you that you should feel something different, mock your feelings, tease you about them, or come up with a solution to your feelings. The appropriate response is to be present, curious, loving, and to validate the way you feel.
That doesn’t give us the right to word vomit all over our partner and take out our internal stuff on them. If you’re making an effort to be aware of your propensity for sensitivity and big emotions expressed outwardly, and you’re expressing your feelings in a way that is sensitive to your partner, to hear from your partner to just let it go is completely invalidating and dismissive. It actually creates an emotionally unsafe environment between you – just as taking out your internal stuff on your partner does.
I like Gabor Maté’s contention that safety is not the absence of danger, but the presence of connection. “Just let it go” is dismissive and creates a wedge of disconnection between you. Folks who cope in a DA way can often try to maintain emotional safety for themselves by keeping things from getting worse, which can manifest as shutting down, controlling, dismissing, or “solving” not only their own uncomfortable feelings, but yours as well.
All of this is to say that this dynamic that you’re experiencing is not all on you.
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Post by introvert on Feb 17, 2024 15:30:28 GMT
I want to acknowledge and validate your sense of distress. Hearing “just let it go” from your partner is invalidating and dismissive of your feelings. Your partner doesn’t need to agree with your feelings, tell you that you’re too sensitive, tell you that you should feel something different, mock your feelings, tease you about them, or come up with a solution to your feelings. The appropriate response is to be present, curious, loving, and to validate the way you feel. That doesn’t give us the right to word vomit all over our partner and take out our internal stuff on them. If you’re making an effort to be aware of your propensity for sensitivity and big emotions expressed outwardly, and you’re expressing your feelings in a way that is sensitive to your partner, to hear from your partner to just let it go is completely invalidating and dismissive. It actually creates an emotionally unsafe environment between you – just as taking out your internal stuff on your partner does. I like Gabor Maté’s contention that safety is not the absence of danger, but the presence of connection. “Just let it go” is dismissive and creates a wedge of disconnection between you. Folks who cope in a DA way can often try to maintain emotional safety for themselves by keeping things from getting worse, which can manifest as shutting down, controlling, dismissing, or “solving” not only their own uncomfortable feelings, but yours as well. All of this is to say that this dynamic that you’re experiencing is not all on you. This 100%, well said. |
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 17, 2024 16:07:12 GMT
Yes, what kirrok said is pretty wise, and exactly what I was thinking when I read your post. Being dismissed and invalidated is only going to make this problem worse. Would they be open to couples counselling? Because it feels like you may need someone to help guide you two through a few conflict cycles. edit: major typo, sorry. |
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Post by iz42 on Feb 17, 2024 20:45:54 GMT
Thank you all for this feedback. I really appreciate the validation. We have been in couples counseling for nearly a year (with some breaks here and there) and now we go twice a month instead of weekly. This has been our argument cycle all along and I feel like for better or worse, it has taken all this time to start to be able to address it directly with shared language. In the past, we couldn't even get on the same page about what was going on. Therapy has been difficult because if my partner feels that the therapist is "against him," he can't stay regulated and it results in lots of defensiveness and disconnection and those sessions end up feeling basically like a waste. In some cases it feels like therapy even decreases our ability to communicate for periods of time. There has been lots of two steps forward, one or two steps back. I think the couples therapist treads lightly, maybe sometimes too lightly. It has taken a lot of time to build up safety within that context. I have seen progress, especially around basic stuff around accessing and expressing emotions using the feelings wheel, etc. I have stuck it out because there has definitely been progress.
It feels sort of like a make-or-break moment right now because I know I can't stay with a partner who keeps invalidating me in this way. So I am really having to face that. My nervous system is pretty overwhelmed. I have tried to let him know this, not in a harsh or rude way, just explaining what I need to feel emotionally safe and what will happen if that doesn't start to shift. Over the past few days we have had some safer conversations where he has shown curiosity about what's happening for me during conflict, and my hope is that we will be able to continue those discussions in therapy.
Since couples therapy is very expensive and tends to not be covered by insurance, the only affordable option was a fairly new therapist who only has a few years of experience. Sometimes I wonder if her lack of experience is making this a lengthier process than it would be otherwise. We both like her, and there is no way we can start over with someone new at this point. And it's certainly better than nothing. I just imagine that some of this could have been worked through more quickly with a different therapist.
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 17, 2024 21:26:10 GMT
That all sounds very difficult. And yes couples therapy can be VERY expensive! I know my counsellor offers it but said she will only do it if both people are also doing their own counselling to learn regulation, etc.
I am very proud of you for thinking about where you want to draw the line in the sand. It's a very hard and scary thing to do. Maybe your partner will rise to the occasion or maybe not but there is something to be said for the peace of not being constantly invalidated. Maybe you break up and he does his own work for awhile. Life is unknowable.
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Post by iz42 on Feb 17, 2024 21:42:34 GMT
That all sounds very difficult. And yes couples therapy can be VERY expensive! I know my counsellor offers it but said she will only do it if both people are also doing their own counselling to learn regulation, etc. I am very proud of you for thinking about where you want to draw the line in the sand. It's a very hard and scary thing to do. Maybe your partner will rise to the occasion or maybe not but there is something to be said for the peace of not being constantly invalidated. Maybe you break up and he does his own work for awhile. Life is unknowable. Yes, this is so true. I'm trying to keep things in perspective because my old pattern was to stay far too long and not be willing to put my foot down when my needs weren't getting met. We have both been in individual therapy at the same time as couples therapy. I am taking a small break from my own therapist after almost 3 years because I was feeling like her style wasn't really working for me anymore. But my partner has been in therapy for ~2 years and has been unpacking his childhood stuff and attachment issues. He is really putting in a lot of work and I give him credit for that. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Feb 18, 2024 5:29:29 GMT
It sounds like your partner really wants to put the effort in, but this is a big stumbling block for whatever reason. From what you've said, I do wonder if you've been seeing the same therapist about the same problem and there haven't been any major breakthroughs in this regard, if there's something about this approach that isn't working for him? Perhaps another approach would work better? Nobody wants to feel that a therapist is on the other person's side... (even if it's not true, if he feels that, it's always going to start a session on the back-foot and you'll struggle to make progress from that place).
What about talking to your partner about what he needs in order to feel really heard and seen in that therapeutic process? Because there's a block there somewhere for him. You can either try and find that block and work through it together, or let him go and work on it by himself. Perhaps it would help to see a new therapist that he feels more connected to? A new therapy approach? Being sensitive to his needs doesn't mean forgetting your own thought - because it's really not possible to have a healthy relationship if you continue to feel invalidated or shamed for being 'too sensitive'. All of your feelings should be welcome... but on the flip side, so do his... and if he's feeling overwhelmed by some aspect of your conflict cycle, then he is going to benefit from figuring out a way out of that too.
I saw an online couples therapy session once and they literally got pen and paper out and mapped their main conflict cycle out in a diagram - and then mapped out a couple of solutions to take instead of the current, dysfunctional ones they used. Taking a really practical, solution-focused mindset to it, rather than blame and accountability can be easier to chew sometimes.
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Post by iz42 on Feb 18, 2024 9:18:17 GMT
It sounds like your partner really wants to put the effort in, but this is a big stumbling block for whatever reason. From what you've said, I do wonder if you've been seeing the same therapist about the same problem and there haven't been any major breakthroughs in this regard, if there's something about this approach that isn't working for him? Perhaps another approach would work better? Nobody wants to feel that a therapist is on the other person's side... (even if it's not true, if he feels that, it's always going to start a session on the back-foot and you'll struggle to make progress from that place). What about talking to your partner about what he needs in order to feel really heard and seen in that therapeutic process? Because there's a block there somewhere for him. You can either try and find that block and work through it together, or let him go and work on it by himself. Perhaps it would help to see a new therapist that he feels more connected to? A new therapy approach? Being sensitive to his needs doesn't mean forgetting your own thought - because it's really not possible to have a healthy relationship if you continue to feel invalidated or shamed for being 'too sensitive'. All of your feelings should be welcome... but on the flip side, so do his... and if he's feeling overwhelmed by some aspect of your conflict cycle, then he is going to benefit from figuring out a way out of that too. I saw an online couples therapy session once and they literally got pen and paper out and mapped their main conflict cycle out in a diagram - and then mapped out a couple of solutions to take instead of the current, dysfunctional ones they used. Taking a really practical, solution-focused mindset to it, rather than blame and accountability can be easier to chew sometimes. It’s honestly sometimes hard to tell whether or not we are making progress because there have been breakthroughs and setbacks along the way. I would say it’s probably every third or fourth session where he feels like he is being criticized and we struggle to move forward from that place. At times I feel the same way and I struggle to feel heard in sessions. In past sessions I have shut down out of overwhelm and we had to readjust. But it’s not as if every time we come out of it less connected than before. In the rest of the sessions we do manage to communicate and understand each other better. Our therapist has tried different approaches and some have been more successful than others. This stuff isn’t linear so at times we do much better and then we fall back into old conflict patterns, which is what has happened lately. Just in the past few days he has told me that in those moments when he sees me as too sensitive, he fears disconnection, which I would say is a big breakthrough. When we started therapy he really wasn’t in touch with his emotions at all or how to articulate his experience. So there has been a lot of work to do to even get to this place of being able to discuss the conflict cycle directly. And in some sense I have to put everything on the line to let him know that something has to change. I’m really trying to do that now. I don’t think it’s feasible for either of us to try a different therapist. So it’s either figure this out or make the decision to separate. I know this is the secure approach and I will be fine either way but it’s still intense and stressful because I adore my partner and I don’t want to lose the relationship. |
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Post by introvert on Feb 18, 2024 15:18:38 GMT
So both of you have RSD right? Does therapy actively acknowledge RSD in each of you, and address that as a primary contributor to the problems youre facing as a couple? I would think that if RSD is one of your core symptoms of adhd, the first recognition could be to keep that in front as something to learn to manage in your individual selves, but I am not a professional and I could be mistaken.
Like, I experience anxiety as a symptom of perimenopause, and it can get pretty intense. It's helpful for me to stepback and say "this is hormonal anxiety" and address the physiological things I can do to calm it down. Similarly, I would think that therapy that directly addresses the existence and treatment of RSD would be helpful, because you both seem to be swirling in rejection sensitivity? I could be way off base.
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Post by iz42 on Feb 18, 2024 17:43:17 GMT
We have talked about RSD and we are both aware of our RSD getting triggered in the relationship but to my knowledge there is no therapy that specifically focuses on that. I guess our approach has been to work on RSD in individual therapy with DBT like tools. I think the problem is that acknowledging it doesn’t lessen the intensity. So I can tell myself what I’m feeling is RSD but it doesn’t help me soothe myself any faster. It’s almost like we just have to accept that it’s going to come up and work with it however we can. I don’t think there is any way that it won’t impact our dynamic but we can both work on self soothing around it. Maybe our therapist could be more aware of that coming up in actual sessions but I did raise it with her early on and she understood. I don’t think she would ever be able to prevent it entirely.
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Post by iz42 on Feb 18, 2024 18:59:19 GMT
Writing this out has actually made me feel like we are doing pretty well considering all the challenges. I am working on owning my own stuff and speaking up about my needs and boundaries in a productive way and I think that’s all I can do on my end. The big fear that comes up for me is that I’m abandoning myself and it takes some processing to determine whether that’s actually happening or not. The temptation is always there, but in this case I have been strongly on my own side and willing to do what needs to be done for myself. I am not fawning to solve things more quickly. The fact that the majority of our therapy sessions feel constructive is a win even if I get frustrated when we struggle to communicate after the hard ones.
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Post by iz42 on Feb 18, 2024 22:19:05 GMT
I am sensitive too, HSP but not adhd. I sometimes have feelings of shame about it. I can be pretty tough on myself and sometimes fail to see that I need a boundary around how someone talks to me or tries to manage my feelings. It can be easy to allow sensitivity and the self consciousness around it to obscure our ability to see when someone is crossing emotional lines and stepping out of their lane in how they talk to us. I get the sense that his own ADHD is pushing the limits here... do you get that sense? Do you have a therapist you can bounce it off of to see if you can assert some boundaries that honor your feelings and don't have you on you back foot with his reactions? Thanks @introvert. I missed this comment initially. I agree that he is stepping out of his lane. We've talked a lot about differentiation in couples therapy and why it's not healthy to manage each others' feelings. I see that being his biggest stumbling block in our relationship. I understand how hard it is because I have codependent tendencies myself that I've had to work on extensively. I struggle to access anger (separate issue), but lately I have started to get angry. I think it's healthy for me to get in touch my anger when he oversteps so that I can channel that into assertiveness and set boundaries to protect myself. |
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