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Post by mysteryuser on Mar 24, 2024 17:56:03 GMT
After my last encounter with someone who was not right for me, I realized I had subconsciously dragged things on forever knowing he wasn't able to give me what I wanted. I didn't have the courage to end it. It wasn't right of me to do that, and I have been working on establishing deeper self-trust and enforcing my boundaries instead of just recognizing them.
I've been meeting people the last few months through the apps. I met this wonderfully sweet man; he was in therapy and was going through a period of transition (after stepping out of a religion a few years ago), watching videos and reading books, recognizing his patterns and working on them. He treated me well, and I was genuinely happy around him. I even felt safe. We had very similar long term goals and values, however there was a gap in *how* ready we both are for the same thing. It seemed clear to us over the weeks that I was looking more intentionally and with more clarity - even if he wanted the same things, he wasn't sure of what kind of person he wanted. I knew I would very soon stop feeling safe.
Last night after it seeming clear that I am risking getting attached to someone who will not take the next step, my gut told me I will not get what I want here, and that even if it hurts a bit I have to look out for my future self. I ended things saying we weren't on the same page and the difference wasn't reconcilable, and he agreed.
I'm feeling very proud of myself for not holding onto false hope or trying to control an outcome that is out of my hands. I am happy to have looked reality in the eye, even if it hurt, and walked away. I'm happy I was true to myself. I have *never* done this before in such a context after reaching a point of liking someone and seeing potential in them.
I am bummed about the loss of a connection I saw potential in, but I'm not split about the decision itself because I lost attraction when I realized he was unsure / not veering towards more certainty about me. I may not be attracted to unavailable people anymore, and now I am getting better at ending situations that don't work for me. I feel a lot of confidence and self-trust.
That said, I feel a bit discouraged for 2 reasons. - I know online dating has its flaws and a lot of insecure people, but I have a job that requires some travel and it is hard for me to date in person. I can't help but wonder if I will find what I am looking for - at its core, emotional closeness and intimacy, an understanding and love my authentic self, and someone I can rely on on various aspects of life via compatibility. I am sometimes afraid I will not find it, because compatibility is so hard to find
- I still feel some resistance towards people who are "overtly" available. I am sure some of these people are overly anxious/love bombing/unavailable in their own ways, but I am sure some of these people *are* available, but I am feeling resistance due to questioning *why* they like me, why me, etc. and other self worth questions
- I'm 24, so I know I'm young. But seeing more of my classmates from school/college getting engaged/married is a bit sad, because I question if I will get what I truly want
How do I not lose hope and how would you deal with feeling discouraged in this way? I sometimes think I'm too picky, which may be a way to cut myself off from what I want, but at my core those things are truly what I want.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 24, 2024 19:31:54 GMT
That's great! The very first time you walk away from a situation that's not right for you as an AP is a game changer. It should bring you positive feelings of security and confidence like you describe, and that will get more and more developed as you practice being supportive of yourself.
In regards to your concerns, it still takes time for your attraction to shift, to get more comfortable believing you're worth someone being available to you (whether that's conscious or subconscious), nothing is instantaneous. Gaining more dating experience will likely help this evolve over time, as you're aware and being mindful of what's going on.
I met my husband online, so it's doable. It just took patience in filtering out and walking away from people who weren't the right fit for me, and taking breaks if I got frustrated with bad runs of dates. I'm older than you so we were ready to settle down, but it took me 15 months from walking away from my last attraction to an insecure guy and gaining that confidence and growth to meeting my husband and recognizing he was a good fit.
And since I'm older, and I've been in big cities where very few people get married young (mid 20s or younger), and I've seen how that goes and if those marriages last, I'll say this. You have many years to be married and to be a parent (if that's something you want and you're able to conceive or adopt). You do not have many years to just be completely free to be you before picking up responsibilities to other people. So more than 24 being young (which it is) and you still have time to meet whoever you're going to meet, gaining life experience, figuring out who you are, and putting yourself first for a little while helps you be a better partner later, which will likely lead to a stronger marriage. Embrace that you get the chance to do that for a little while, and stay optimistic that you'll meet a compatible person when you're ready. Improved and sustained relationships is one of the positive things all this work is for. It will also help you maintain your identity in a marriage to look back on having had the time to accomplish some things you may have wanted to accomplish prior to settling down.
I have friends who married young before maturing into who they really are, and some found they didn't marry the right person or grew apart from their partner. That's been much more common among those who got married in their 20s than 30s or 40s. Getting right with yourself is the biggest gift you can give yourself and future partner and any future kids, and if that means it takes you another 5+ years to find what you're looking for, it is very, very okay.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 24, 2024 20:19:54 GMT
I am in a singles community comprised primarily of singles in their 40s and 50s. We have a lot of divorced individuals who grew apart or found out their partner was unsafe. I think it would be great if you had an opportunity to get to know some singles who are older and have gone through a divorce…it would allow for a more complete story.
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Post by mysteryuser on Mar 24, 2024 21:41:32 GMT
alexandra that is a very helpful perspective. There is a lot I know I can do only while not being partnered, and I should try to embrace that. Your story has been at the back of my mind since I started this journey, so that's helpful to know. I'm okay with it taking time, and I think the process of dating itself is taking me where I want to be with myself.
I do completely agree tnr9 that getting married young has its cons, and I don't actually intend to/want to do that. I think this is a bit too early. I think it's just a matter of social comparison, feeling like I'm somehow behind in life. I do sometimes think "oh what's wrong with me that I don't have this", but I'm able to view that as a natural thought and soothe myself back to reality.
Thankfully this isn't affecting my life too deeply. Recently I had a mutual friend get engaged, and I had a few pangs of shame, but I was able to be happy for her and recognize that we are at different stages in life and that's okay. Everyone is on a different timeline for various aspects of life
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