Post by ancr on Apr 10, 2024 16:07:19 GMT
tldr: I'm not entirely new to Attachment Styles but let's say I've recently become much more aware and actively started working to be more secure. I'm hitting a rough patch in my relationship with my partner (me AP leaning secure in most friendships and family relationship and him allegedly DA - classic) and I'm seeking for advice for how to become more secure and less anxious.
For context, I've been with my partner for 1.5 years. Everything has been fine between us. We have fights and disagreements but the good thing that we have been trying to do is communicating (sometimes effectively sometimes not so much) whenever there's anything that bothers us. We started living together quite early on due to circumstances, he moved into my apartment, living with me and my roommates. We have been through so much together for the past year. I love him dearly and although it took him a long time and some initial challenges to express love, he loves me deeply too.
We recently moved into our own place that we rent together, and we are also expecting some major life changing events in a 6-month time frame. We talked about all of these changes before and agreed that there won't be major threats to our relationship. However right after the move was when I started noticing some shifts in his energy. He kind of started pulling away, being on his phone more and becoming less physically affectionate. Intuitively as an AP I tried to push and sometimes picked random fights with him. Until 1 day we were on the verge of starting a fight when he sat me down and said "I think we are not in a good place in our relationship so I need everything to be calm". After digging a bit deeper, he said he felt like he lost that connection between us but he still loves me so much so he didn't want to hurt me by trying to stay calm and low-key and not having this hard conversation with me. He said he was also afraid that if he had to end things I would disappear from his life entirely, but he couldn't see himself just pretending to be happy for me to be happy because it would be miserable for him, etc. So much fear for him that he even had nightmares that bad things happened to me that made him feel very guilty for not being able to be by my side. He cried during this whole conversation and was very vulnerable with me which I very much appreciate now. At that moment though, I felt horrible. My anxiety got triggered and my fear of being abandoned increased so high that I was just crying nonstop. He didn't know exactly what caused him to feel like this. At first he attributed it to something else that was much more trivial and we talked it through only to find out there's something deeper within him. The following week I tried to create moments between us by going to see movies together etc. He realized my effort but it didn't help him feel better. If anything it made him more guilty because he thought I deserved much better than he could give. He told me by the end of that week that it's a him problem, not a me problem so I don't have to change or do anything. He said he started talking to a therapist, I'm not sure if he is still going since he said he skipped last week.
After all these conversations I felt very confused and blamed myself. I have had anxiety attacks every morning for 2 weeks straight, now I still do. However, I spent these 2 weeks reading more about attachment styles after talking to my therapist and have learned so much about me and us. Yesterday I casually told him about what I have read and what I have learned about myself and my relationships (I avoided mentioning anything that has to do with him, more like "Hey I have decided to improve myself" to prevent triggering him). In the end when I got his attention, I kind of steered the conversation to "I also know more about your attachment style and if you have noticed at home I have tried to give you more space because I know in this time you need it" and "I can see that you are trying very hard for us instead of running away like in your previous relationships, and I appreciate how much you value me and our relationship". I reassured him that he could take his time to figure out his problems and relieved him from the pressure that he would eventually hurt me. He thanked me for being calm when communicating with him (which was hard for me and I also mentioned this to him) and for being mature about taking the steps to try to understand the situation from his perspective.
I've since forced myself to be less anxious, to trust him, to give him more space. Sometimes I can't stop myself from still seeking validation from him by leaning in to kiss him, saying "I love you" expecting him to say it back etc. He has been pretty detached from me at home, basically listening to music on his own, talking to his family or watching his shows. He still cooks for me every day, checks in with me about my day and what I'm doing sometimes.
I know DA needs time on their own to figure out their internal things but sometimes during this whole process I still feel rejected and abandoned since he appears to be cold and physically distant. I still have panic attacks and I am afraid about "what if it doesn't work". I force myself to be "cool" in front of him, but when he's not around I feel anxious and can't focus on anything. I've broken down with my friends and therapist a dozen times since this started. I figured that I have to be "cool" on my own too and not just when he's around but it's so hard. Any advice?
For context, I've been with my partner for 1.5 years. Everything has been fine between us. We have fights and disagreements but the good thing that we have been trying to do is communicating (sometimes effectively sometimes not so much) whenever there's anything that bothers us. We started living together quite early on due to circumstances, he moved into my apartment, living with me and my roommates. We have been through so much together for the past year. I love him dearly and although it took him a long time and some initial challenges to express love, he loves me deeply too.
We recently moved into our own place that we rent together, and we are also expecting some major life changing events in a 6-month time frame. We talked about all of these changes before and agreed that there won't be major threats to our relationship. However right after the move was when I started noticing some shifts in his energy. He kind of started pulling away, being on his phone more and becoming less physically affectionate. Intuitively as an AP I tried to push and sometimes picked random fights with him. Until 1 day we were on the verge of starting a fight when he sat me down and said "I think we are not in a good place in our relationship so I need everything to be calm". After digging a bit deeper, he said he felt like he lost that connection between us but he still loves me so much so he didn't want to hurt me by trying to stay calm and low-key and not having this hard conversation with me. He said he was also afraid that if he had to end things I would disappear from his life entirely, but he couldn't see himself just pretending to be happy for me to be happy because it would be miserable for him, etc. So much fear for him that he even had nightmares that bad things happened to me that made him feel very guilty for not being able to be by my side. He cried during this whole conversation and was very vulnerable with me which I very much appreciate now. At that moment though, I felt horrible. My anxiety got triggered and my fear of being abandoned increased so high that I was just crying nonstop. He didn't know exactly what caused him to feel like this. At first he attributed it to something else that was much more trivial and we talked it through only to find out there's something deeper within him. The following week I tried to create moments between us by going to see movies together etc. He realized my effort but it didn't help him feel better. If anything it made him more guilty because he thought I deserved much better than he could give. He told me by the end of that week that it's a him problem, not a me problem so I don't have to change or do anything. He said he started talking to a therapist, I'm not sure if he is still going since he said he skipped last week.
After all these conversations I felt very confused and blamed myself. I have had anxiety attacks every morning for 2 weeks straight, now I still do. However, I spent these 2 weeks reading more about attachment styles after talking to my therapist and have learned so much about me and us. Yesterday I casually told him about what I have read and what I have learned about myself and my relationships (I avoided mentioning anything that has to do with him, more like "Hey I have decided to improve myself" to prevent triggering him). In the end when I got his attention, I kind of steered the conversation to "I also know more about your attachment style and if you have noticed at home I have tried to give you more space because I know in this time you need it" and "I can see that you are trying very hard for us instead of running away like in your previous relationships, and I appreciate how much you value me and our relationship". I reassured him that he could take his time to figure out his problems and relieved him from the pressure that he would eventually hurt me. He thanked me for being calm when communicating with him (which was hard for me and I also mentioned this to him) and for being mature about taking the steps to try to understand the situation from his perspective.
I've since forced myself to be less anxious, to trust him, to give him more space. Sometimes I can't stop myself from still seeking validation from him by leaning in to kiss him, saying "I love you" expecting him to say it back etc. He has been pretty detached from me at home, basically listening to music on his own, talking to his family or watching his shows. He still cooks for me every day, checks in with me about my day and what I'm doing sometimes.
I know DA needs time on their own to figure out their internal things but sometimes during this whole process I still feel rejected and abandoned since he appears to be cold and physically distant. I still have panic attacks and I am afraid about "what if it doesn't work". I force myself to be "cool" in front of him, but when he's not around I feel anxious and can't focus on anything. I've broken down with my friends and therapist a dozen times since this started. I figured that I have to be "cool" on my own too and not just when he's around but it's so hard. Any advice?
