Feeling destroyed after break up with avoidant. Please help.

I took the liberty of trimming your post down a little bit. Try re-reading what you wrote now and think how you'd respond if it was one of your friends telling you this about their relationship. They're still your words exactly, but I left in your experience without any blame, excuses, qualifiers, etc.

After looking at it this way, I don't agree with whatever traits you're using to measure that you were punching above your weight? Punching above your weight means finding a partner you can trust who is compatible with you and respects you and treats you well... and even then, the bar should be mutual and then you're both just with a partner you're each on equal footing with. There's no actual power dynamic going on, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. The reason you think you're punching above your weight is because you don't believe you deserve much.

As for you screwing up because he had you on a pedestal for a while and everyone else loves him, well, they're not dating him and getting treated like trash by him, are they? So they're not spending enough time with him seeing the real him. Don't gauge anything by that. And back to that power dynamic thing, no one should be on a pedestal in a relationship because that's just a fantasy. Anyone putting you on a pedestal can't handle a real relationship, because they must idealize their partners to stay with them, which isn't sustainable. Idealizing someone means you don't actually see them for them or as real people, and you're actually filling in gaps within yourself. As in, if you're dating someone who is just so perfect, then doesn't that make you feel good about yourself that their perfect reflection all over you is validating and providing you with an identity? That's actually a very unhealthy attitude if you're looking for a sustainable relationship.

My point is, strip all that away, stop idealizing him and blaming yourself for more than your share. If he really was that great, he wouldn't have treated you like trash in the first place, even if the relationship wasn't going well.

Now, in regards to what's actually going on here. He sounds FA, but since you are anxious, it pushes him to be the opposite so his DA side is more likely to come out. That's just how this type of dynamic is. An avoidant person will push an FA anxious most of the time (or even can push a secure person anxious!), and an anxious person will push an FA (or possibly a secure person) avoidant. DA don't tend to go off and on with people or make 3a phone calls to show "they still care." In my experience, once a DA decides there's a lack of trust and compatibility, they are done. Sometimes it's their own avoidant issues and they're self-sabotaging, it's not always a problem with the partner, but they're asserting their needs where they're at and there's nothing wrong with that. An FA will get caught up repeatedly in the hot and cold cycle, usually as many times as the other person will allow.

The reason your relationship lasted as long as it did before all the attachment issues mutually came up is because it was long-distance. Insecures may prefer long-distance relationships because, for AP, the distance provides fantasy and longing, and for DA/FA, they provide built in distance which keeps commitment issues at bay. So it took longer to get to know each other, to have your attachment issues both activated, and to get to a point where things were getting really serious. I applaud you for trusting your instinct that moving to be with him didn't have a strong enough foundation behind it!

That all doesn't make any of this easier or hurt less, but I hope it cuts through your narrative a little bit of him being great and you being terrible and worthy of all the blame. Yes, you understand you have issues too, and should you have participated in verbal abuse? No, you shouldn't nor should you accept it. Is it something to be ashamed of? No, because that won't help you address it within yourself. It's very normal for APs to respond this way and is called "protest behavior." It's not good and is worth working through within yourself so that you don't treat anyone that way in the future, but beating yourself up and then hiding in shame isn't constructive for you. The reason it happens is APs push their needs down and abandon themselves, but it doesn't make their needs actually go away. It just makes them disconnected from themselves until you feel like you've broken. So, because there's a lack of communication skills and healthy boundaries that come with being AP (or any insecure attachment style), you don't have good ways to cope with relationship problems. This can manifest in testing the other person, saying the opposite of what you mean, taking your anger out on the other person, and more... as you desperately flail around for the "perfect" behavior to get the other person to do what you want. That comes from childhood dysfunctional dynamics you learned from an inconsistent caregiver who didn't meet your needs, but it gets projected out into adult romantic relationships.

So there is definitely work you can do for yourself, by focusing on yourself and leaving things with him on the back burner for the time being. Another insecure attachment issue can be feeling things are all or nothing. That he must not care and be doing totally fine or he wouldn't have broken up with you. That's another story you're telling yourself, when the truth is probably more like he cared to the extent he had the capacity to but then it didn't work out. Which says a lot about your compatibility together and probably about both of your levels of emotional availability, but says nothing about how much he cared for you or your value as a person. He has no say over your value, only you do.

When I earned secure, it was because I hit rock bottom and needed to reconnect to myself, rebuild my confidence, figure out who I was, and recover from a very tough breakup with an FA boyfriend. It was HARD but being in a lot of pain can allow you to make the changes you're looking for: people can grow when it hurts more to stay stuck than it does to change.

If you can manage to see a therapist, you should. If you really can't, take a look at some of Thais Gibson's free videos about AP attachment styles, as well as looking through the information here about healing AP attachment styles. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-anxious-ambivalent-attatchment-tricks

Things feel bad now, but you have a starting point to begin processing your emotions and get to a better place, though it takes time. That starting point means focusing on yourself and not ruminating on your ex, though. Rumination isn't processing, it's a trick the anxious mind can play on itself to try to avoid disconnection from an attachment figure. Again, put it on the back burner and deal with that later once you're in a better mindset with yourself.

The very first thing I would suggest doing is stop taking his statements “personally”…..because in reality, they are not about you but about his interpretation of you (which is very different).  He has never really gotten to “know” you and never asked questions to fully understand you….so this is just him ranting and in a sense justifying the breakup.  You are in a very fragile place emotionally when you are alone, so I would recommend that you find a good therapist who can help you with tips to stop your ruminating.  One that has worked for me is “grounding”…that is when you turn your thoughts to your body instead of your emotions…you become aware of your arms, legs….you start to pay attention to your breathing and take 10 deep breaths.  Do that every moment your thoughts go to him.

I highly recommend you block him…he isn’t blocking you because his attachment wounding wants to keep the door “open”…..not to date again, but just to keep you “around”.  Take this opportunity to take back your power and show him you will not accept such behavior and block him.

Re: forcing a connection and wanting verbal affection - the context was this:
He starts work later on in the day and ends late at night, i am a couple hours ahead of him. So by the time he finishes it would be at least 12am for me. This is everyday and i have a normal 9-5 job. We dont have much time overlap, and I was ok with just having short calls every other day to catch up or just feel connected. At the time i thought it was a simple low effort way since both of us are busy.

He was ok with calls at the start, but eventually as he got busier he started disliking calls. He said its because he talks all day to customers and he was burnt out from talking, and talking about daily life is boring/mundane. So he suggested gaming to connect cause thats how he relaxes. I wasnt against gaming so i initally agreed, but eventually i found it hard to keep up because my sleep was severely affected from staying up late all the time.

I'm not sure how severe his avoidance is, but later in the relationship he actually admitted he HATED video calls and when i look at him. He feels like im watching his every move and he cant relax at all, but when we video call im mostly looking at my own laptop and occassionally peeping at him. There were even times where i suggested if he was tired, we can call but just stay silent with video off.

I did asked him why he didnt like giving verbal affection early on in the relationship and all he said was its just weird for him. He said to me, if i'd like to see him get out of his shell and give more verbal affection, then gaming would be the way. This was a calm discussion between us and a suggestion/need he told me at the time. So i followed.

Another instance of this was him asking me to post my hobbies on instagram. eg: playing guitar or dancing because he wanted to see what i was up to. I dont normally post and its a little out of my comfort zone, but i thought it wasnt a big deal so tried a few times. He never ended up engaging with the stuff i posted anyway. He would watch and never say a thing to me or just straight up ignore what i posted. When i asked him why, he would say "you're not doing this cause you like guitar or dancing, you're just doing it to get my attention. Why do you have to revolve you're like around what i think, do you have no sense of self? why cant you do things just because you like it"

He made me sound like i was this disgusting existence that he wanted nothing to do with.

In terms of connecting in other ways, this was after him accusing me of being manipulating by asking to game with him and me vying to get his verbal affection. Which at the time i thought, is this not what normal couples do ? you communicate your need and we try out what you suggest ?

I was out of ideas and i couldnt understand why he was suddenly turning into a porcupine about everything, he wasnt willing to explain at all. So at the time,I thought heck Christmas is coming up i should at least plan something for the both of us. The intent wasnt to appease him in trade of anything, at the time i just felt like we should do something special cause it was a while since we both had time for each other. If he was so turned off from gaming and didnt object to doing something together during Xmas, i took the liberty to plan what i thought was fun to do.

Its just a difficult pill to swallow, because during our breakup fights he would throw all of these things back in my face. He would say "what the fuck would buying me coffee or sending a cheeseboard to me during Xmas do? it doesnt help me at all. you just dont fucking understand me". He kept saying that i was nothing but a deadweight because he's busy and doesnt have time to care about being connected or not.

Thats why i felt completely confused and blew up at the end.

It was always "do A", "no do B", "no you're manipulating me with B, why are you doing B", "no all i wanted was C, why do you never get it". I did draw boundaries when i felt things didnt work, but i was always at least willing to trial things out. It just felt like he was changing what he wanted every other week. By the end of it i was just exhausted but he still wrote me off like it was some sort of character assassination.

Sorry I got a little worked up in my previous response, its all still quite raw. He's literally elated with each day that passes without me, it really stings.

I suppose the relationship did start off as a "tit-for-tat" situation anyway. He kept saying that he's overworked and burntout because he was trying to build a future for "us"(not that i intended to sponge off him). So all he wanted me to do was be his "peace" when he finishes work.
So i felt like at least i should try my best with whatever needs he had, because i can see that he is tired.

I guess a part of my AP brain cant let go of the possibility that maybe it would have worked out if it wasnt long distance, even though logically i know overall my current situation is probably the best for me. Maybe its all the thing he's said to me, about how i'll never find another one like him again ? maybe its because of how he is actually happy that im not around.

iambroken

These are some tips from an attatcment , somatic experience, love vita therapist :

What will be good to do to heal the broken heart?

- Be sweet and kind to yourself (speak nicely to yourself also in your thoughts and allow the sadness, pain, anger and other emotions to be there - without them deciding)

- Give yourself care = do the things that makes you happy: listen to good music, swim, go out in nature, use your body, etc.

- Surround yourself with good friends and talk about something else than him..

Stop exposing yourself to your ex. If possible, remove anything that may remind you of him / her. If these are things you do not want to throw away, keep them away for at least 1 month.

Stop finding explanations for the breakup. It's your brain trying to get its usual dopamine kick. Instead of getting the kick out of having contact with your ex, the brain is so smart, that it looks for explanations, like an addict looking for its next fix.

Write a list of ALL the NEGATIVE things about your ex that you can think of. The longer the better. Feel free to get friends to help you. Write it on your mobile phone, and then look at it, EVERY time you feel the urge to think about your ex. Especially of course when you are idealizing your ex relationship.

Help your nervous system get more into balance again so that you can be present in the precent moment.
Do the water tank exercise - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31863/
Or pay attention to your breathing: Just notice that you are breathing without changing your breath. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly with your mouth open and make a sound in the meantime. Do it 3-5 times.

Find out what gaps your ex filled up in your life and make a list of what it was your ex contributed to in your life. For each point, find out how you can fill that gap in your life in a different way than through a boyfriend

Allow the grief to be there: It is a loss to lose someone you love, therefore there will be a natural grief. Allow it to be there in the beginning on a daily basis - give it a place where it is ok if you cry (tears are healing)

Gratitude will lift your mood and your energy. Just find tiny little things that you can be thankful for. It is not WHAT you are grateful for - but the STATE of gratitude that you feel in your body.

The past interferes with the pain in your broken heart now but on top of that, the past also comes into play. Your love story. Your upbringing. If you have previously experienced losses in your life.

I understand it's pretty useless to analyse his behaviour, but the reason why i think he seems happy/carefree is because post break up he's doing a lot of things I wish he did during our relationship. So even though he's not with any one atm, i do feel resentment building inside.

I've stopped checking his social media now, but in the couple of weeks post break up, things I've noticed were:

1. He used to lie that he's busy, but I found out that he was hiding his gaming status as off-line. Since we've broken up he's changed it to online and he's been gaming on and off throughout the workday. He'd also been hiding a lot of other things that he's now just posting about.

2. He would refuse to share any reflections when we tried to have discussions about issues. Post break up, he would write long tweets that /seem/ like he's reflecting "oh I'm actually HSP I wish I was more emotionally stable", "oh I have imposter syndrome and I'm a fearful avoidant" etc but it also sounds so non-chalant, like he doesn't realise or acknowledge the pain I went through with his behaviour. He speaks about it like it's a badge of honour (?)

3. He'd be gladly hanging out with other people and posting about it on days where he claimed to be "busy". I was desperate just to even have a 15 minute call, but he would rather spend it chatting with acquaintances for hours on end (Despite the fact he said to my face he "fucking hated" meaningless chats).

It feels a bit like a slap on the face I suppose. I made myself so small to accomodate for him and i felt like i was interacting with a wall.

Despite asking for nothing, he still demonized me and felt like I was caging him in...so the moment he threw me away he was "carefree" to do whatever he wanted, while I'm still in pain over this whole thing.

I think the biggest flaw you have in your thinking is that he did or did not do anything because of you or despite you….all of his actions have been and will continue to be about and from himself. He hasn’t grown, he hasn’t become introspective, he isn’t more truthful…he is simply without a partner now and he doesn’t have to deal with the fears that arise when he is in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if it was you or anybody else….someone with a insecure attachment who isn’t actively working to heal is going to cycle through the same type of relationship over and over and over again. While I am glad to see you knocking him off his pedestal a bit…you are still focused on him….and what his actions or words or social media posts mean in regards to you. All that is doing is keeping you “stuck”. If you want to heal…keeping in touch with him in any fashion is going to hamper that. Now is the time to decide who is more important…you or him. If the answer is you…then block him…remove him….heck, get rid of social media for a while. The focus needs to be back on you….on your healing, on your journey without him. There are plenty of great guys out in the world…this guy is not one of them.