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Post by tnr9 on Apr 17, 2024 12:51:54 GMT
Hi, Have a friend who is avoidant (Female) and we have been friends with myself anxious (Male). 6-7 months ago she started pulling away including responding a lot less, ignoring when i ask to get coffee but still going with others in our friend group, acting like i wasn't there if she saw me etc. She would tell me nothing is wrong but seemed perfectly fine with other friends when we previously all hung out. I raised this a few times, such as asking why she behaved differently with me and seemed to be excluding me but she said she wasn't. I would reach out from time to time asking about this, which i believe made her frustrated as she would respond quite dismissively like 'whatever you say'. Few weeks ago, i asked if us not talking was because of me placing too much attention on her. She responded with 'Lets just not talk if that's easier'. I already apologised by saying will giver her space, but have been ignored. I'm already trying to work on myself in this period of what i assume is no contact. Understand DA this appears to be typical DA behaviour and should not be demonised as it's their way of protecting themselves. Questions: 1. Can anyone share strategies or personal experiences on managing this situation and relationship? 2. How worried should i be about her ' 'Lets just not talk if that's easier' since i don't know how long this may be and if this is forever? 3. Considering her prolonged distancing and clear request to end contact, how should I interpret these signs in terms of our future? 4. After a few months or even 6 months of no contact, what are thoughtful ways to re-initiate communication, or is it better to let her make the first move? It honestly doesn’t sound like a good friendship for either of you because you are activating each other. Are you in therapy at the moment? I know you said you are working on yourself…but the changes that will most benefit you are ones related to your over fixation on her and getting more in touch with yourself (including being ok with her being distant for longer than you would like). Right now, the best thing you can do is to give her space and accept that “to her” she treats you no differently than others. But that doesn’t address how “you” feel….so your choice is whether you want to accept a friendship that feels “less than” one to you. There really isn’t anything you can do to make this friendship more even because of how your dynamic plays out. You sense she is abandoning you and spending more time with others and treating you differently. She is pulling away likely because she feels engulfed by your questions (not your fault, but this is very typical anxious and avoidance responses to each other due to earlier trauma). Right now you both aren’t able to really be friends because you are both reacting to internal signals of too far away (fear of abandonment) and too close, too involved, too focused on me ( fear of engulfment). The power you do have is to go inward…write down on a piece of paper pros and cons….anything that comes to mind. Then wait a day and see if anything else comes to mind. Once you have done that…look only at the cons….consider whether those are traits you want in a friendship going forward. You can be an advocate for yourself by taking this step to decide what a friend really means and whether she actually fits those criteria for you. |
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 17, 2024 12:59:09 GMT
"3. Considering her prolonged distancing and clear request to end contact, how should I interpret these signs in terms of our future?"
Repeat the above to yourself, and the answer seems obvious.
She's not interested. Leave her alone. For her, and for you. And if, in the future, when you're hanging out in a group and she gives you a little attention, don't take it as a sign that you have a future.
You cannot and should not try to persuade someone that tney want to be your friend when they tell you in words and actions that they don't, really.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 17, 2024 15:24:57 GMT
Just something else to add…changing you will not change her…..because her reactions to you are not really about you…they are about her own trauma and how she has learned to cope, just as yours are really not about her but your own trauma and how you have learned to cope. What that means is you can stop trying to change yourself to try to get into her good graces. That is at the essence of having an anxious attachment…prioritizing others above yourself, leading to hurt feelings and resentment. The way to address this is to prioritize yourself. The questions you could ask are
Questions:
1. Can anyone share strategies or personal experiences on prioritizing my needs over other people?
2. How should I address the underlying anger and disappointment that she does not want to communicate with me?
3. Considering that I am feeling anxiety over her going silent, what activities can I focus on to move forward with my growth?
4. Should I take steps to stay in no contact so I can focus on addressing my own insecure attachment?
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Post by alexandra on Apr 17, 2024 18:27:58 GMT
My take is a little different. I can see her being frustrated that you kept asking her even though she said nothing was wrong. That shows you didn't believe her or respect her responses to you. It's tough to say if she was being avoidant for some reason or was just being herself and you attached a story of your own to it and personalized it when it had nothing to do with you. If she's avoidant, then it's probably a little of both (she was being avoidant and you noticed and took it very personally). But when someone tells you something and you keep asking and expecting a different answer, it's very easy for the other person to feel invalidated, unheard, and like their boundaries aren't being respected. You're expecting a certain behavior from the other person instead of letting them be who they are. I don't think there's anything you can do in this case, but it's something to keep in mind in the future with other people.
As already said by the other posters, your reactions are very much normal for people with an AP attachment style. Due to trauma prior in life, AP will be hypersensitive to perceived "threats" to connection, and will tend to tell themselves the most negative reasons something might be happening -- negative about themselves really. Like an example might be if you didn't know someone had a bad day at work and then saw them for a drink and they were very quiet and then went home early because they were tired, the AP person would assume the other person was mad at them and wanted to get away from them for a personal reason, even though it actually had nothing to do with them. Then the AP person might follow up asking if everything is okay between them, while looking for a magic formula to make things "right" between you two again.
If she said she does not want to speak anymore and has stopped responding to you, please respect that even if you don't agree or don't like it or feel bad about it. She's communicated her boundaries consistently in words and in actions. You trying to reconnect in the future will be steamrolling her boundaries and won't change things for the better. Don't beat yourself up, it's okay, just use the feedback as an opportunity for better introspection and to explore healthier personal boundaries. It's easier to be friends with people who are looking for the same types of connections as you are anyway, as then you won't run into these issues of conflicting needs.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 17, 2024 18:44:14 GMT
My take is a little different. I can see her being frustrated that you kept asking her even though she said nothing was wrong. That shows you didn't believe her or respect her responses to you. It's tough to say if she was being avoidant for some reason or was just being herself and you attached a story of your own to it and personalized it when it had nothing to do with you. If she's avoidant, then it's probably a little of both (she was being avoidant and you noticed and took it very personally). But when someone tells you something and you keep asking and expecting a different answer, it's very easy for the other person to feel invalidated, unheard, and like their boundaries aren't being respected. You're expecting a certain behavior from the other person instead of letting them be who they are. I don't think there's anything you can do in this case, but it's something to keep in mind in the future with other people. As already said by the other posters, your reactions are very much normal for people with an AP attachment style. Due to trauma prior in life, AP will be hypersensitive to perceived "threats" to connection, and will tend to tell themselves the most negative reasons something might be happening -- negative about themselves really. Like an example might be if you didn't know someone had a bad day at work and then saw them for a drink and they were very quiet and then went home early because they were tired, the AP person would assume the other person was mad at them and wanted to get away from them for a personal reason, even though it actually had nothing to do with them. Then the AP person might follow up asking if everything is okay between them, while looking for a magic formula to make things "right" between you two again. If she said she does not want to speak anymore and has stopped responding to you, please respect that even if you don't agree or don't like it or feel bad about it. She's communicated her boundaries consistently in words and in actions. You trying to reconnect in the future will be steamrolling her boundaries and won't change things for the better. Don't beat yourself up, it's okay, just use the feedback as an opportunity for better introspection and to explore healthier personal boundaries. It's easier to be friends with people who are looking for the same types of connections as you are anyway, as then you won't run into these issues of conflicting needs. These are really good points alexandra…..being hyper vigilant to perceived threats does make it possible to assume that another person is avoidant when they are truly just expressing feelings of frustration. |
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Post by introvert on Apr 18, 2024 14:17:23 GMT
Hi, Have a friend who is avoidant (Female) and we have been friends with myself anxious (Male). 6-7 months ago she started pulling away including responding a lot less, ignoring when i ask to get coffee but still going with others in our friend group, acting like i wasn't there if she saw me etc. She would tell me nothing is wrong but seemed perfectly fine with other friends when we previously all hung out. I raised this a few times, such as asking why she behaved differently with me and seemed to be excluding me but she said she wasn't. I would reach out from time to time asking about this, which i believe made her frustrated as she would respond quite dismissively like 'whatever you say'. Few weeks ago, i asked if us not talking was because of me placing too much attention on her. She responded with 'Lets just not talk if that's easier'. I already apologised by saying will giver her space, but have been ignored. I'm already trying to work on myself in this period of what i assume is no contact. Understand DA this appears to be typical DA behaviour and should not be demonised as it's their way of protecting themselves. Questions: 1. Can anyone share strategies or personal experiences on managing this situation and relationship? 2. How worried should i be about her ' 'Lets just not talk if that's easier' since i don't know how long this may be and if this is forever? 3. Considering her prolonged distancing and clear request to end contact, how should I interpret these signs in terms of our future? 4. After a few months or even 6 months of no contact, what are thoughtful ways to re-initiate communication, or is it better to let her make the first move? Are you kidding? It is not justifiable to continue contact with this individual. You are living in a fictional universe if you think that her behavior indicates any potential for enjoyable future involvement. Stop using attachment theory this way, it's inappropriate. |
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