Post by blue55 on Dec 29, 2017 19:50:47 GMT
I was with my ex for 2.5 years. I left her in June because I found out she had started a new realtionship while we were dating and living together. This was very hard to deal with. I am going to spill the whole story. No one really knows all of these details, But I feel it's best to get them out. I'm 26, she's 24.
She has always been fiercly independant. Independant in a way that she can support herself financially etc. However, she is very internally vulnerable and needs male attention. She had two live-in boyfriends before me, and has a slew of male 'best friends' who I'm pretty sure are in love with her. Her female friends are superficial. We started dating 3 years ago. I had just gotten out of a relationships and she had gotten out of one 6 months prior. She used a guy within her friend group as a way to distract her attention and have sex with. This is a pattern. then she found me and I was the placeholder to get over THAT placeholder. I was okay with this at the time because I had no intention of comitting. Eventualy we started getting really close and she wanted to lock me down. I obliged.
We got along very well. She was very affectionate, which is odd for DA. She was loving towards me. She was never too manipulative. However, she wanted nothing to do with my successes or failures. She never wanted to make decisions as a team. She never communicated with me about anything. Never told me about how she actually felt. Anytime she was crying or very upset, it was for some strange surface reason that was 'upsetting her' . these surface reasons were clearly not the actual reason. Never opened up to me about anything. We almost never had nights just to ourelves. Any free night downtown she would invite all of her friends. She could never say no to them. I wouldn't mind because I got along with everyone, but we never had nights to ourselves. She also never took my feeling into consideration for anyhting. For example, she decided to take a two week camping trip with her best guy friend. They slept in the same van for two weeks. I tried to be understnding. But she never asked my opinion about the trip beforehand. Wanted zero approval from me. She was genuinely devestated when I brought up that I was upset about it. She didn't understand why. Fast forward 6 months after that. We live together with our pet. She pulls the same stunt. She books another two week vacation with two of her best guy friends. Didn't tell me beforehand. I was ready to move out and ghost her but her friend group convinced me that I should stay, and that she means well. I stayed. I was fine with her going, but I just wanted to be involved in the decision. We lived together FFS.
She texted me the entire trip and was loving and told me how much she missed me and how much of a mistake the trip was. But, I think it was a cover so that I wouldn't abandon her. She never knew how close I was to leaving.
Fast forward to what destroyed the realtionship. She started distancing herself after a vacation I had with a few guy friends. I was gone for a week. she started getting very close with a coworker. I started to have suspicions when I came home and THIS guy was moving my shit out of my house into OUR new apartment. He was 'helping her'. Keep in mind I'm 6'0 195. built. He was half my size and 4 years younger. This weird contact kept persisting. She truely didn't care about anything. I think she enjoyed raising my anxiety. We all went out for drinks one night. She was dancing and having fun with this right right infront me. I asked her WTF was going on. She denied everything. I had enough and when we got home that night I told her I was done with the relationship. She was probably already fucking this guy. She had no reaction. zero. Just wanted to go back to sleep. Apparently she bawled all weekend though when I wasn't around, as told by my impartial friend.
It was easy at the beginning. I was relieved to do it. However, I decided to not kick her out of the apartment. I didn't want to live there anymore even if it was just me.. and looked for a new place. I eventually found one, and was scheduled to move out in 6 weeks. I asked her very nicely to please just place her new relationship on hold/don't let me see it until I move away. I still loved her very deeply. She obliged. We carried on as if nothing happened. It was a complete mindfuck. She couldn't deal with any negativity or hard discussions. So, I put on a good face and we would chat and eat dinner, have a couple beers after work as we always did. Then like clockwork - she would freshen her makeup and walk over to the other guys house at 11:30 to go have sex and hang out. This was horrendous, but I didn't let her know this hurt me. She would freshen up, leave, walk 100m to the other guys apartment. I could see his place from my back window. the lights would turn off at 12:30. I would stand on our porch and see it. I'd brush my teeth and go lay in our bed. I would check my watch until around 4am, until I knew they had probably stoped fucking and could rest easier. I would usually stay awake all night, then get up and go to work.
6 weeks came around. I didn't tell her when I was moving out. She had no idea. One day she came home to the apartment and everything was gone. all of my furniture, gone, bed, gone. everything. I didn't leave a note, except a small note for the pet. She texted me once saying how hard it was for her. I didn't reply. I ghosted her for 3 weeks. Then, one night I stumbled to our apartment after a wedding. I was a little drunk and was ready to chat/fight this other guy if he was there. It was just her. She went wild with excitement. She was bristling to see me. We chatted all night. Snuggled and kissed. We spend the whole weekend togther. She told me how much she missed me and it felt good. I saw her a few times after. Each time was filled with the hardest crying I've ever heard from anyone. She was crying from her toes. We would have sex and she would ball after. She told me how sorry she was. how dumb she was. She had a panic attack in this time frame. She didn't like her new boyfriend too much - but didn't want to jump back into things with me. Eventually after two weeks I couldn't handle the wishy-washynes. Told her she needed to leave the other guy fully or I would walk out of her life again. She said she didn't like that I sprung the Q without giving her time to think about it. I took that as an answer itself and walked away and have been NC since sept.
Now, reading these forums. I can tell that she has DA in her. Her independence, inability to address her emotions. But now I'm starting to wonder if I was DA too.
I'm now dating 3 different girls. I'm all honest with them I tell them that they are not the only one, and that I'm not ready to comiitt. They're okay with that. But my behaviour generally DA. How do I ever have the opportunity to have a good functioniniing relationship now. I was very traumatized by her actions in the summer. Those nights that I would lay awake all night caused some serious damage. Although it was kind of good - it has given me increible motivation to work on myelf. I feel like a monster to the people I'm dating now.
She has always been fiercly independant. Independant in a way that she can support herself financially etc. However, she is very internally vulnerable and needs male attention. She had two live-in boyfriends before me, and has a slew of male 'best friends' who I'm pretty sure are in love with her. Her female friends are superficial. We started dating 3 years ago. I had just gotten out of a relationships and she had gotten out of one 6 months prior. She used a guy within her friend group as a way to distract her attention and have sex with. This is a pattern. then she found me and I was the placeholder to get over THAT placeholder. I was okay with this at the time because I had no intention of comitting. Eventualy we started getting really close and she wanted to lock me down. I obliged.
We got along very well. She was very affectionate, which is odd for DA. She was loving towards me. She was never too manipulative. However, she wanted nothing to do with my successes or failures. She never wanted to make decisions as a team. She never communicated with me about anything. Never told me about how she actually felt. Anytime she was crying or very upset, it was for some strange surface reason that was 'upsetting her' . these surface reasons were clearly not the actual reason. Never opened up to me about anything. We almost never had nights just to ourelves. Any free night downtown she would invite all of her friends. She could never say no to them. I wouldn't mind because I got along with everyone, but we never had nights to ourselves. She also never took my feeling into consideration for anyhting. For example, she decided to take a two week camping trip with her best guy friend. They slept in the same van for two weeks. I tried to be understnding. But she never asked my opinion about the trip beforehand. Wanted zero approval from me. She was genuinely devestated when I brought up that I was upset about it. She didn't understand why. Fast forward 6 months after that. We live together with our pet. She pulls the same stunt. She books another two week vacation with two of her best guy friends. Didn't tell me beforehand. I was ready to move out and ghost her but her friend group convinced me that I should stay, and that she means well. I stayed. I was fine with her going, but I just wanted to be involved in the decision. We lived together FFS.
She texted me the entire trip and was loving and told me how much she missed me and how much of a mistake the trip was. But, I think it was a cover so that I wouldn't abandon her. She never knew how close I was to leaving.
Fast forward to what destroyed the realtionship. She started distancing herself after a vacation I had with a few guy friends. I was gone for a week. she started getting very close with a coworker. I started to have suspicions when I came home and THIS guy was moving my shit out of my house into OUR new apartment. He was 'helping her'. Keep in mind I'm 6'0 195. built. He was half my size and 4 years younger. This weird contact kept persisting. She truely didn't care about anything. I think she enjoyed raising my anxiety. We all went out for drinks one night. She was dancing and having fun with this right right infront me. I asked her WTF was going on. She denied everything. I had enough and when we got home that night I told her I was done with the relationship. She was probably already fucking this guy. She had no reaction. zero. Just wanted to go back to sleep. Apparently she bawled all weekend though when I wasn't around, as told by my impartial friend.
It was easy at the beginning. I was relieved to do it. However, I decided to not kick her out of the apartment. I didn't want to live there anymore even if it was just me.. and looked for a new place. I eventually found one, and was scheduled to move out in 6 weeks. I asked her very nicely to please just place her new relationship on hold/don't let me see it until I move away. I still loved her very deeply. She obliged. We carried on as if nothing happened. It was a complete mindfuck. She couldn't deal with any negativity or hard discussions. So, I put on a good face and we would chat and eat dinner, have a couple beers after work as we always did. Then like clockwork - she would freshen her makeup and walk over to the other guys house at 11:30 to go have sex and hang out. This was horrendous, but I didn't let her know this hurt me. She would freshen up, leave, walk 100m to the other guys apartment. I could see his place from my back window. the lights would turn off at 12:30. I would stand on our porch and see it. I'd brush my teeth and go lay in our bed. I would check my watch until around 4am, until I knew they had probably stoped fucking and could rest easier. I would usually stay awake all night, then get up and go to work.
6 weeks came around. I didn't tell her when I was moving out. She had no idea. One day she came home to the apartment and everything was gone. all of my furniture, gone, bed, gone. everything. I didn't leave a note, except a small note for the pet. She texted me once saying how hard it was for her. I didn't reply. I ghosted her for 3 weeks. Then, one night I stumbled to our apartment after a wedding. I was a little drunk and was ready to chat/fight this other guy if he was there. It was just her. She went wild with excitement. She was bristling to see me. We chatted all night. Snuggled and kissed. We spend the whole weekend togther. She told me how much she missed me and it felt good. I saw her a few times after. Each time was filled with the hardest crying I've ever heard from anyone. She was crying from her toes. We would have sex and she would ball after. She told me how sorry she was. how dumb she was. She had a panic attack in this time frame. She didn't like her new boyfriend too much - but didn't want to jump back into things with me. Eventually after two weeks I couldn't handle the wishy-washynes. Told her she needed to leave the other guy fully or I would walk out of her life again. She said she didn't like that I sprung the Q without giving her time to think about it. I took that as an answer itself and walked away and have been NC since sept.
Now, reading these forums. I can tell that she has DA in her. Her independence, inability to address her emotions. But now I'm starting to wonder if I was DA too.
I'm now dating 3 different girls. I'm all honest with them I tell them that they are not the only one, and that I'm not ready to comiitt. They're okay with that. But my behaviour generally DA. How do I ever have the opportunity to have a good functioniniing relationship now. I was very traumatized by her actions in the summer. Those nights that I would lay awake all night caused some serious damage. Although it was kind of good - it has given me increible motivation to work on myelf. I feel like a monster to the people I'm dating now.
