zelly
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DA ?
Jan 1, 2018 13:20:13 GMT
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Post by zelly on Jan 1, 2018 13:20:13 GMT
Hi, I’ve always thought my partner was DA he has all the classic traits
I am anxious and the inability to discuss or even acknowledge when I am upset is getting me down
The intermittent reinforcement has kept me going back for more and I now recognise that for what it is, a control mechanism along with the silent treatment to get me to conform
What confuses me though is that he is unable to see whe he has hurt my feelings and always sees himself as the injured party succeeding in making me feel guilty and so I apologise when in reality I did nothing wrong
This has become exhausting but Whenever I try to create some distance he notices
Eg he rarely answers txts but if I don’t answer he gets very upset
If I try to contact him less he notices straight away and tells me I have
hurt his feelings, but he won’t intitiate the contact either he waits for
me to snap out of it
Could he be a mix of Da and anxious or is this more control stuff?
Is he anxious too or is this more control stuff ?
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 1, 2018 14:18:14 GMT
Hi, I’ve always thought my partner was DA he has all the classic traits I am anxious and the inability to discuss or even acknowledge when I am upset is getting me down The intermittent reinforcement has kept me going back for more and I now recognise that for what it is, a control mechanism along with the silent treatment to get me to conform What confuses me though is that he is unable to see whe he has hurt my feelings and always sees himself as the injured party succeeding in making me feel guilty and so I apologise when in reality I did nothing wrong This has become exhausting but Whenever I try to create some distance he notices Eg he rarely answers txts but if I don’t answer he gets very upset If I try to contact him less he notices straight away and tells me I have hurt his feelings, but he won’t intitiate the contact either he waits for me to snap out of it Could he be a mix of Da and anxious or is this more control stuff? Is he anxious too or is this more control stuff ? Hey Zelly....I cannot really answer your questions regarding whether he is DA or FA, however...I have a question for you. Would knowing the answer really change anything? Because it sounds like he isn't open to see how he is hurting you through his actions and if that isn't going to change, then you are left still analyzing and doing all the work yourself. Relationships work best when you have 2 people who are working on their own issues and are able to make compromises. I don't read that he is willing to do that. |
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zelly
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DA ?
Jan 1, 2018 14:42:22 GMT
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Post by zelly on Jan 1, 2018 14:42:22 GMT
Hey TNR9
Thankyou, I guess you are right, when you put it that way
I know he can’t change but when I tried to tell him it isn’t working he got very upset
I have tried my best but I can’t do it anymore. To give you an example I wasn’t feeling well one day and he accused me of using it as an excuse to avoid him and then he ignored me for 2 days until I apologised to appease him
I felt guilty about upsetting him ofc and tried to reach out to him but he is ignoring me
I can’t stay with him but I don’t want him to be upset either
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DA ?
Jan 1, 2018 14:50:11 GMT
Post by tnr9 on Jan 1, 2018 14:50:11 GMT
Hey TNR9 Thankyou, I guess you are right, when you put it that way I know he can’t change but when I tried to tell him it isn’t working he got very upset I have tried my best but I can’t do it anymore. To give you an example I wasn’t feeling well one day and he accused me of using it as an excuse to avoid him and then he ignored me for 2 days until I apologised to appease him I felt guilty about upsetting him ofc and tried to reach out to him but he is ignoring me I can’t stay with him but I don’t want him to be upset either Zelly...honestly it sounds like a no win situation. I understand you do not want him to be upset...but I think it is important that you remind yourself that you are not responsible for his feelings...he is....and if he cannot take responsibility for his feelings of insecurity, then he has left you with no choice but to take care of yourself. There are other posters who have broken up with their partner because it just wasn't providing them with what they needed. Sometimes it is just best to call a spade a spade and move on. |
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zelly
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Posts: 6
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DA ?
Jan 1, 2018 16:01:09 GMT
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Post by zelly on Jan 1, 2018 16:01:09 GMT
I honestly find it so difficult to reconcile the sweet person he used to be to how he is now
I know I have to move on, because this is emotionally draining me
We work in the same office and tommorow is the first day back
I know he will be all smiles and act like everything is normal after ignoring me for days . He always does this and it messes with my head
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DA ?
Jan 1, 2018 22:43:30 GMT
Post by scarlett on Jan 1, 2018 22:43:30 GMT
I honestly find it so difficult to reconcile the sweet person he used to be to how he is now I know I have to move on, because this is emotionally draining me We work in the same office and tommorow is the first day back I know he will be all smiles and act like everything is normal after ignoring me for days . He always does this and it messes with my head I know EXACTLY how you feel. It is really difficult with these people because they hook you in the beginning with the feeling that they are "all in" and then they distance themselves and it just doesn't make any sense. Then, you're not "allowed" to talk about the future and you end up walking on eggshells and having such an unbalanced and messed up relationship. You're no longer yourself; you're insecure and confused. I just recently learned (after I broke up with him a few months ago) about attachment theory and was thrilled to find out that there was a name for it. It's difficult and sad, but very often we have to let go as they are NOT the people they pretended to be in the beginning. The person we're in love with is no longer there...ugh. My heart is broken, too. |
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DA ?
Jan 1, 2018 22:56:31 GMT
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Post by yasmin on Jan 1, 2018 22:56:31 GMT
This sounds a lot like narcissism maybe? Try an online checklist.
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zelly
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DA ?
Jan 1, 2018 23:22:44 GMT
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Post by zelly on Jan 1, 2018 23:22:44 GMT
Thankyou Scarlett, I completely identify with the walking on eggshells and “allowed” topics
Not being able to talk about my feelings because he had told me he can’t help and it’s not his problem but most of the time he just rolls his eyes and goes silent
Thank goodness, I like you now know there is a name for this and I’m. not going crazy
I have lost interest in so many things while trying to change myself to make him happy but now realise this was wrong because he will never make me happy
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zelly
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DA ?
Jan 1, 2018 23:29:28 GMT
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Post by zelly on Jan 1, 2018 23:29:28 GMT
This sounds a lot like narcissism maybe? Try an online checklist. Hi Yasmin, interestingly this was suggested to me by a friend too that he has certain narcissistic traits, I looked into it and he definitely fits some of common traits |
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DA ?
Jan 2, 2018 1:56:27 GMT
Post by summer on Jan 2, 2018 1:56:27 GMT
Hey TNR9 Thankyou, I guess you are right, when you put it that way I know he can’t change but when I tried to tell him it isn’t working he got very upset I have tried my best but I can’t do it anymore. To give you an example I wasn’t feeling well one day and he accused me of using it as an excuse to avoid him and then he ignored me for 2 days until I apologised to appease him
I felt guilty about upsetting him ofc and tried to reach out to him but he is ignoring meI can’t stay with him but I don’t want him to be upset either |
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zelly
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Jan 2, 2018 18:15:01 GMT
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Post by zelly on Jan 2, 2018 18:15:01 GMT
Thankyou Summer, I have read up on the vulnerable narcissist type and he meets all of those criteria
Looking back there were many red flags which I overlooked or explained away
At times I have felt like I was the crazy one and have been left mouth agape as he turns everything around to make himself the victim
He is currently acting sorry to get me back but I know it to be an act
I can feel the undercurrent of anger
I’m not going back
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