|
|
Post by summer on Jan 2, 2018 2:22:09 GMT
My DA of five months has been attentive, available and tender towards me for the past month - this is following me trying to break up with him at the 4 month mark because I was sick of the classic DA behaviors he was exhibiting. He was shocked that I wanted to end it, and talked me into giving him a second chance, with promises of much better behavior.
Things have been remarkably improved for the past month - he seems so utterly normal at times, that it's easy for me to get lulled into a false sense of security - but in truth, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I hate that.
His avoidant behaviors still shine through in little ways, but nothing that's a deal breaker, and nothing like what I was putting up with before. He is bad about putting his hobbies before time with me, and sometimes the lack of empathy shows itself with insensitive comments. He has a self-absorbed, selfish streak. But this is being offset by so much good behavior, that it's easy for me to let it go.
We had our first argument today ever, and I was impressed to see that he was actually willing to communicate that he was upset with me, and why (something he wouldn't have done before). The argument itself was pretty mild - no yelling or drama - but what interested me most was that he seemed very eager to smooth things over with me. I sensed that he wanted things to be okay with us, and while he is terrible at talking about his feelings and isn't a sharer, this was his way of making things right again and showing me he cares.
I was wondering... did you or do you go through good periods with your DA, when their avoidant behaviors recede to a very bearable level? If so, how long do these periods normally last? Do they inevitably push you away again, and kick the cold and indifferent behaviors back up to full volume?
|
|
|
|
Post by scheme00 on Jan 2, 2018 7:29:52 GMT
I had a few good weeks with mine after we had a 3 day discussion about her being my official girlfriend. Everything was perfect and I was in heaven. But then all of a sudden she felt like a stranger to me and was cold and aloof. It's so strange to feel connected to someone on Friday and then them feeling like a stranger with zero connection by Monday afternoon. I had to dump her to maintain what little sanity I had left.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2018 13:01:32 GMT
We all do, or we wouldn't agonize over the break ups. I have left budding relationships due to revulsion or diminishing attraction for the other person and haven't missed them at all.
It is so very hard this time because we are fond of each other, but it's like two similar magnetic poles repelling each other - our attachment styles just won't "glue".
I'm torn between genuinely liking him and wanting to do what's right for myself.
I was fine when I did No Contact, and then I breached it by meeting with him and it really set back my progress.
So I'd counsel cold turkey/no contact for all of us who are serious about getting over these impossible relationships.
Good luck everyone!
|
|
|
|
Post by summer on Jan 2, 2018 14:40:45 GMT
We all do, or we wouldn't agonize over the break ups. I have left budding relationships due to revulsion or diminishing attraction for the other person and haven't missed them at all. It is so very hard this time because we are fond of each other, but it's like two similar magnetic poles repelling each other - our attachment styles just won't "glue". I'm torn between genuinely liking him and wanting to do what's right for myself. I was fine when I did No Contact, and then I breached it by meeting with him and it really set back my progress. So I'd counsel cold turkey/no contact for all of us who are serious about getting over these impossible relationships. Good luck everyone! Curious, Thanks for your reply. Wondering what's the longest "good period" you experienced before you got pushed away again? And do you think there are certain triggers that cause the DA to push us away and end a good period? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2018 15:01:04 GMT
Curious, Thanks for your reply. Wondering what's the longest "good period" you experienced before you got pushed away again? And do you think there are certain triggers that cause the DA to push us away and end a good period? I love your profile name, in the middle of winter, I can't wait for summer!  You won't like my answer, but it is every time we had a wonderful date that he had to run away and turn very aloof the next day. I was puzzled that he would visit my city once/twice a month en route to other cities, spend 3 days here, but would only see me for only one day. I could sense he has deep feelings for me, he shows it in an awkward manner, talking about travels with me when he retires in a few years, trying to tell me his home city is the best place for me to settle down in, etc. The last time we got together was serious - our kids all met and we sat together for a wonderful meal he prepared. After that, another 3 weeks gone with 2 emails and an SMS....I think I got cold feet as we got closer as I started asking myself if this pace is tolerable. I expected to see each other more often as we progress, but the opposite is true. I think he is truly an extreme case, as I read the various threads here, and once a month communication is honestly an outlier. I guess I'm using humor to help me get over this - it really is so absurd, it would be funny if I didn't grow fond of him! One day when I'm ready, I'll write a full account and it will make a great comedic respite.  |
|
|
|
Post by summer on Jan 2, 2018 15:45:53 GMT
Curious, Thanks for your reply. Wondering what's the longest "good period" you experienced before you got pushed away again? And do you think there are certain triggers that cause the DA to push us away and end a good period? I love your profile name, in the middle of winter, I can't wait for summer! You won't like my answer, but it is every time we had a wonderful date that he had to run away and turn very aloof the next day. I was puzzled that he would visit my city once/twice a month en route to other cities, spend 3 days here, but would only see me for only one day. I could sense he has deep feelings for me, he shows it in an awkward manner, talking about travels with me when he retires in a few years, trying to tell me his home city is the best place for me to settle down in, etc. The last time we got together was serious - our kids all met and we sat together for a wonderful meal he prepared. After that, another 3 weeks gone with 2 emails and an SMS....I think I got cold feet as we got closer as I started asking myself if this pace is tolerable. I expected to see each other more often as we progress, but the opposite is true. I think he is truly an extreme case, as I read the various threads here, and once a month communication is honestly an outlier. I guess I'm using humor to help me get over this - it really is so absurd, it would be funny if I didn't grow fond of him! One day when I'm ready, I'll write a full account and it will make a great comedic respite. Yes, please share your story with us! Would love to read it. I can totally relate to what you share about your DA visiting your city for 3 days, but only supposedly having time for you on one of those days. One of the biggest things I've dealt with with mine, is this continual sense that I am competing with his hobbies for his attention. He is into foreign languages, and takes classes a few days a week, and his time with me is often moved around or pushed aside to accommodate these classes. I have to just take a backseat to this particular hobby. He always creates this sense that he has a million obligations competing for his attention and time, he's just soooooo busy, but as I am really getting to know him, I am seeing that actually, this is all manufactured "busy-ness." Sometimes he will even put laundry on the priority list over spending time with me. He was late to our dinner we'd planned last Friday, for example, because some non-emergency housecleaning project was taking so long. This kind of thing used to make me insane, until I realized it's classic DA behavior - it's how they keep the intimacy with you to a level they can tolerate. If your guy spent all 3 days with you, it would be too much closeness and he couldn't handle it. One day is all he can do. And contacting you once a month... WOW. Yes, that is extreme. I say, you deserve a real relationship with someone whose really present and available. No matter how great someone can be in the short bursts of time they give you, if they can't offer an actual relationship, it's not going to be what you want and deserve. |
|
