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Post by ocarina on Feb 11, 2018 19:40:23 GMT
As an FA I shy from saying I love you - maybe because I fear rejection and also because the pressure to express this makes it somehow quite difficult.
Having said that - when I really connect with someone, I am comfortable with expressing emotion and like this to be reciprocal.
In my last relationship - over the 6 -7 years we were together my ex said it once - very early on when he was drunk. I am slightly ashamed to say (as an avoidant I pride myself on being self sufficient and not needing anyone) but this hurt. whilst he was always kind, having no verbal reassurance of affection, together with the fact that he was very rarely present in a way that fostered real intimacy, brought out the worst in me and wasn't helpful for my self esteem.
I am not sure quite why he was unable - perhaps he didn't love me - although a year down the line he still wants to be with me so there must have been some kind of attachment there.
Someone once told me respect is love in plain clothes - I like that idea. Sadly ultimately there wasn't enough respect either - the last minute planning and lack of communication between seeing each other killed it for me. Everything had to be totally on his terms.
Early on I was completely emotionally unavailable and so not really bothered - I came a long way in those years, to becoming more emotionally present and vulnerable and sadly he didn't catch up.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 11, 2018 20:17:59 GMT
As an FA I shy from saying I love you - maybe because I fear rejection and also because the pressure to express this makes it somehow quite difficult. Having said that - when I really connect with someone, I am comfortable with expressing emotion and like this to be reciprocal. In my last relationship - over the 6 -7 years we were together my ex said it once - very early on when he was drunk. I am slightly ashamed to say (as an avoidant I pride myself on being self sufficient and not needing anyone) but this hurt. whilst he was always kind, having no verbal reassurance of affection, together with the fact that he was very rarely present in a way that fostered real intimacy, brought out the worst in me and wasn't helpful for my self esteem. I am not sure quite why he was unable - perhaps he didn't love me - although a year down the line he still wants to be with me so there must have been some kind of attachment there. Someone once told me respect is love in plain clothes - I like that idea. Sadly ultimately there wasn't enough respect either - the last minute planning and lack of communication between seeing each other killed it for me. Everything had to be totally on his terms. Early on I was completely emotionally unavailable and so not really bothered - I came a long way in those years, to becoming more emotionally present and vulnerable and sadly he didn't catch up. You are definitely an inspiration to me! I look forward to my continued progress, it's sure hard though, but I know worth it. My ex sounds very similar to yours. He never said he loved me- I told him and he said nothing so I did not say it again. He told his best friend he "thinks he loves me"- maybe he did, maybe he did not. His actions while we were a couple did show some signs of love. He always fixed things around the house and bought me appliances and practical gifts. He also took care of me when I had surgery, did very loving kind things. However, he never allowed himself to get fully close to me, and the same, he planned last minute and the communication between us bordered on polite and curt. I like "love is respect in plain clothes"- that idea sounds quite right. I'm glad to hear you feel comfortable expressing love and receiving it! I imagine that must have previously felt scary? or anxiety inducing? |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 11, 2018 20:32:53 GMT
As an FA I shy from saying I love you - maybe because I fear rejection and also because the pressure to express this makes it somehow quite difficult. Having said that - when I really connect with someone, I am comfortable with expressing emotion and like this to be reciprocal. In my last relationship - over the 6 -7 years we were together my ex said it once - very early on when he was drunk. I am slightly ashamed to say (as an avoidant I pride myself on being self sufficient and not needing anyone) but this hurt. whilst he was always kind, having no verbal reassurance of affection, together with the fact that he was very rarely present in a way that fostered real intimacy, brought out the worst in me and wasn't helpful for my self esteem. I am not sure quite why he was unable - perhaps he didn't love me - although a year down the line he still wants to be with me so there must have been some kind of attachment there. Someone once told me respect is love in plain clothes - I like that idea. Sadly ultimately there wasn't enough respect either - the last minute planning and lack of communication between seeing each other killed it for me. Everything had to be totally on his terms. Early on I was completely emotionally unavailable and so not really bothered - I came a long way in those years, to becoming more emotionally present and vulnerable and sadly he didn't catch up. You are definitely an inspiration to me! I look forward to my continued progress, it's sure hard though, but I know worth it. My ex sounds very similar to yours. He never said he loved me- I told him and he said nothing so I did not say it again. He told his best friend he "thinks he loves me"- maybe he did, maybe he did not. His actions while we were a couple did show some signs of love. He always fixed things around the house and bought me appliances and practical gifts. He also took care of me when I had surgery, did very loving kind things. However, he never allowed himself to get fully close to me, and the same, he planned last minute and the communication between us bordered on polite and curt. I like "love is respect in plain clothes"- that idea sounds quite right. I'm glad to hear you feel comfortable expressing love and receiving it! I imagine that must have previously felt scary? or anxiety inducing? There are definite similarities here - my ex behaved in a loving way some of the time - was faithful and guess what - my last Christmas present was a dishwasher! I used to love this about him because it meant I was protected from having to show my feelings and could be similarly distant. In the end we both worked some of the way towards real intimacy - he promised things would be different and asked me to trust him - but old habits die hard and within a year of reconnecting at his request, he was distant again, absorbed in all the problems with his daughter, working working working, drinking too much wine - it was same old same old whilst I, having dipped my toe into what was possible, didn't want to settle for this. Expressing loves means being extremely vulnerable and that is difficult for me and takes a long time and plenty or earned trust - ultimately I felt really proud of myself for coming this far - it's no fun hiding behind walls of your making for you entire life. |
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