A few observations (tough love)
May 10, 2018 19:04:20 GMT
BreakingTheSpell, kristyrose, and 12 more like this
Post by yasmin on May 10, 2018 19:04:20 GMT
Prefacing this post with a reminder that I am FA, and the reason I make these observations is that I am seeing / listening to so many AP posts and stories and seeing so many threads running through them and I wanted to comment on a few things I see repeated over and over and some observations on that. None of this is in any particular order. I have a thick thread of AP running through me and I have been there, felt it, done it and I am with all the APs in total solidarity with this one so although there's tough love in here there's no judgement. there ain't nuthin on this list I have not done myself or not realised about myself at one point or another!
This is all going to be a little bit random, but I just wanted to offer some of this...
1. You all seem to think /feel that you are worth less / not as good as the DA or FA in your life. This seems to be an almost universal belief every AP seems to have - almost as if you deserve to be rejected and you need to improve yourself or change yourself to be worthy or that someone else you have never met is going to be more worthy than you are. I see and read this in almost every thread on this site. I think for most APs this is a totally self fulfilling prophecy. If you act like you are worth less, the other person is going to think you are too. I let the FA I dated get VERY comfortable treating me like crap.
2. The DA or FA you are relating to might act like you are a burden of some sort, but please, remember he or she is getting a payoff from your arrangement with them. I'm not saying all DAs or FAs are cruel and selfish or stereotyping ANYONE here, but somewhere in the equation, they quite like the fact that you pursue them in order to get their emotional needs met and the anxious-avoidant cycle of attachment ensues because THEY choose it as much as you do. They get as much out of it as you do. They just don't realise it as easily. People only do something if they want to.
3. You all seem to have the same characteristic of feeling responsible or in control of someone else's life as if something YOU can say or do can solely transform a relationship without realising it ALWAYS takes two people. That's maybe not phrased right, but there's so much of this desperation to want the person to "see" they are DA or FA and for you to solve the puzzle and win the game somehow or get some magic answer that gives you the fairytale ending which somehow resolves life for you. The answer is always the same "if the person you are dating isn't making you happy, ask them to change. If they don't change then LEAVE and date someone else who does make you happy". Why they are doing it doesn't matter. That is basically irrelevant. It's almost like you want to rescue / save / take responsibility for the relationship and you feel like if you say / do /be the exactly perfect way that this will somehow change the result. You're never going to change anybody. Never, never, never, never, never NEVER! The reason your DA or FA rejects you and pulls away and confuses you if because THEY are f**ed up and because your own nature brings out the worst of that. Nothing you say or do will change that. You've got no control over anything that happens in your relationship beyond (1) stating your needs (2) walking away if they're not met. It can be simplified to those two sentences every single time. No person in the history of time has ever gone from a crappy relationship to a good one without the person who is behaving crappily choosing to change. Husbands on't stop hitting their wives because they behaved nicely. Alcoholics don't stop drinking because you were good enough. DAs don't stop distancing because you behaved nicely. People change because they change. Not because you did good enough.
4. All APs seem to share this way of treating a goodbye like a soap opera. That might sound mean, but so many on here post details of break ups or conversations with clear rejections and even when you post break up letters or messages saying goodbye, they still read as being a little manipulative emotionally, as if you can say goodbye in this certain way that is going to make the person realise how amazing you are, how benevolent you are, and how much they loved you and come back. to be honest, in a lot of these relationship situations I think you'd be better off (a) ignoring the person completely or (b) getting angry and showing it. It's almost like even in the goodbye you believe if you're the better person that it will make you "good enough". It's like an act of self violence. This person hurt you and dumped you. Feel free to tell them to go to hell or stop speaking to you. Even doing that will make you feel better long term.
5. You seem to neglect your own feelings totally and worry all the time about what the FA or DA feels or thinks. Honesty? That's their problem! Stop taking responsibility for someone else's feelings. If they feel bad they should sort their life out. It's almost like you consider your own feelings as less important. They're not! I guarantee.
6. You beat yourselves up ALL THE TIME. This seems to be the default AP setting that everything is your fault. It's not.
7. AP attachment is a lot like anxiety. I have a relative with hypochondria who needs constant reassurance that they are not sick and is always inventing reasons to think they are sick. they actually make themselves sick from being so stressed about being sick. It looks and feels so similar, and maybe focusing on anxiety work would be helpful. I know when I am triggered I ruminate, obsess and feel very desperate. That's anxiety.
Sorry if all this is jumbled and at times harsh. I have been reading on here for months now and these are just observations. I have stayed away from the FA I was dating and I have also rejected anyone who has show signs of avoidance or emotional unavailability and thus have been clear from any AP feelings for a long time. It gives me enough distance to observe how frankly nuts my own behavior was when I was triggered.
He was treating me like crap and I was feeling like it was because I wasn't good enough. Do you realise how ridiculous that sentence is? It pains me a lot to see so many people going through it over and over and over again lost for months or years pining after someone like this. You all deserve love. None of you need to be better. You just need to love yourselves better.
This is all going to be a little bit random, but I just wanted to offer some of this...
1. You all seem to think /feel that you are worth less / not as good as the DA or FA in your life. This seems to be an almost universal belief every AP seems to have - almost as if you deserve to be rejected and you need to improve yourself or change yourself to be worthy or that someone else you have never met is going to be more worthy than you are. I see and read this in almost every thread on this site. I think for most APs this is a totally self fulfilling prophecy. If you act like you are worth less, the other person is going to think you are too. I let the FA I dated get VERY comfortable treating me like crap.
2. The DA or FA you are relating to might act like you are a burden of some sort, but please, remember he or she is getting a payoff from your arrangement with them. I'm not saying all DAs or FAs are cruel and selfish or stereotyping ANYONE here, but somewhere in the equation, they quite like the fact that you pursue them in order to get their emotional needs met and the anxious-avoidant cycle of attachment ensues because THEY choose it as much as you do. They get as much out of it as you do. They just don't realise it as easily. People only do something if they want to.
3. You all seem to have the same characteristic of feeling responsible or in control of someone else's life as if something YOU can say or do can solely transform a relationship without realising it ALWAYS takes two people. That's maybe not phrased right, but there's so much of this desperation to want the person to "see" they are DA or FA and for you to solve the puzzle and win the game somehow or get some magic answer that gives you the fairytale ending which somehow resolves life for you. The answer is always the same "if the person you are dating isn't making you happy, ask them to change. If they don't change then LEAVE and date someone else who does make you happy". Why they are doing it doesn't matter. That is basically irrelevant. It's almost like you want to rescue / save / take responsibility for the relationship and you feel like if you say / do /be the exactly perfect way that this will somehow change the result. You're never going to change anybody. Never, never, never, never, never NEVER! The reason your DA or FA rejects you and pulls away and confuses you if because THEY are f**ed up and because your own nature brings out the worst of that. Nothing you say or do will change that. You've got no control over anything that happens in your relationship beyond (1) stating your needs (2) walking away if they're not met. It can be simplified to those two sentences every single time. No person in the history of time has ever gone from a crappy relationship to a good one without the person who is behaving crappily choosing to change. Husbands on't stop hitting their wives because they behaved nicely. Alcoholics don't stop drinking because you were good enough. DAs don't stop distancing because you behaved nicely. People change because they change. Not because you did good enough.
4. All APs seem to share this way of treating a goodbye like a soap opera. That might sound mean, but so many on here post details of break ups or conversations with clear rejections and even when you post break up letters or messages saying goodbye, they still read as being a little manipulative emotionally, as if you can say goodbye in this certain way that is going to make the person realise how amazing you are, how benevolent you are, and how much they loved you and come back. to be honest, in a lot of these relationship situations I think you'd be better off (a) ignoring the person completely or (b) getting angry and showing it. It's almost like even in the goodbye you believe if you're the better person that it will make you "good enough". It's like an act of self violence. This person hurt you and dumped you. Feel free to tell them to go to hell or stop speaking to you. Even doing that will make you feel better long term.
5. You seem to neglect your own feelings totally and worry all the time about what the FA or DA feels or thinks. Honesty? That's their problem! Stop taking responsibility for someone else's feelings. If they feel bad they should sort their life out. It's almost like you consider your own feelings as less important. They're not! I guarantee.
6. You beat yourselves up ALL THE TIME. This seems to be the default AP setting that everything is your fault. It's not.
7. AP attachment is a lot like anxiety. I have a relative with hypochondria who needs constant reassurance that they are not sick and is always inventing reasons to think they are sick. they actually make themselves sick from being so stressed about being sick. It looks and feels so similar, and maybe focusing on anxiety work would be helpful. I know when I am triggered I ruminate, obsess and feel very desperate. That's anxiety.
Sorry if all this is jumbled and at times harsh. I have been reading on here for months now and these are just observations. I have stayed away from the FA I was dating and I have also rejected anyone who has show signs of avoidance or emotional unavailability and thus have been clear from any AP feelings for a long time. It gives me enough distance to observe how frankly nuts my own behavior was when I was triggered.
He was treating me like crap and I was feeling like it was because I wasn't good enough. Do you realise how ridiculous that sentence is? It pains me a lot to see so many people going through it over and over and over again lost for months or years pining after someone like this. You all deserve love. None of you need to be better. You just need to love yourselves better.
