Post by flic on May 22, 2018 12:44:11 GMT
My ex FA is having a really bad time at the moment - first our break-up and now his study overseas is looking really precarious. It's a really shit situation for him. We had a 2 and half hour phone conversation the other day, during which he was really, really emotional about what's happening for him right now, and I tried to be of support.
He told me since our break-up he's withdrawn back into his shell and is finding it hard to let down the barriers or be vulnerable with anyone, even people back home. I think this is partly why he opened up so much with me - we were already having an emotional conversation so it was probably easier for him to let it all out. At the end of the conversation he said he didn't want to get off the phone, and that talking to me had made him feel better.
Now, I don't have any misconceptions about this meaning anything - I've accepted it's over and he doesn't want to be with me, and whilst a tiny bit of me still occasionally fantasises about us running into each other when we're in our 60s, I'm working on my own stuff in therapy, working on what i want for my life, and the conversation didn't affect me nearly as much as it would have even 3 weeks ago.
BUT, I'm unsure whether talking to me is actually helping him. He was getting so upset on the phone and expressing a lot of guilt and shame over his behaviours towards me (I am of course equally to blame) - previously it has taken him a week to recover from this kind of conversation. I know it's up to him if he wants to talk to me, and up to me whether i engage, but I'm just wondering whether a bad break-up is likely to make an FA regress if they'd made real progress in being vulnerable? And if so, will me being kind and supportive when he does reach out, which seems to make him feel like I'm 'safe' again, help him feel that he doesn't have to shy away from love in the future and that he can be vulnerable without being hurt?
Of course there's my friends voices in my head - that he's using me for emotional support, just like he did in our relationship, and I'm still not healed myself so shouldn't be giving it away to him. I don't subscribe to this, because you can't shut off caring about someone and feeling for them when they're going through a shit time.
He told me since our break-up he's withdrawn back into his shell and is finding it hard to let down the barriers or be vulnerable with anyone, even people back home. I think this is partly why he opened up so much with me - we were already having an emotional conversation so it was probably easier for him to let it all out. At the end of the conversation he said he didn't want to get off the phone, and that talking to me had made him feel better.
Now, I don't have any misconceptions about this meaning anything - I've accepted it's over and he doesn't want to be with me, and whilst a tiny bit of me still occasionally fantasises about us running into each other when we're in our 60s, I'm working on my own stuff in therapy, working on what i want for my life, and the conversation didn't affect me nearly as much as it would have even 3 weeks ago.
BUT, I'm unsure whether talking to me is actually helping him. He was getting so upset on the phone and expressing a lot of guilt and shame over his behaviours towards me (I am of course equally to blame) - previously it has taken him a week to recover from this kind of conversation. I know it's up to him if he wants to talk to me, and up to me whether i engage, but I'm just wondering whether a bad break-up is likely to make an FA regress if they'd made real progress in being vulnerable? And if so, will me being kind and supportive when he does reach out, which seems to make him feel like I'm 'safe' again, help him feel that he doesn't have to shy away from love in the future and that he can be vulnerable without being hurt?
Of course there's my friends voices in my head - that he's using me for emotional support, just like he did in our relationship, and I'm still not healed myself so shouldn't be giving it away to him. I don't subscribe to this, because you can't shut off caring about someone and feeling for them when they're going through a shit time.
