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Post by ocarina on May 22, 2018 22:16:36 GMT
I generally try to avoid putting myself in the way of close relationships - it takes such an aeon for me to trust enough to open up and when this happens, it releases the AP side which is unpleasant and particularly when my partner also has attachment issues, it often seems just not worth the effort.
The conundrum is that I long to be close and accepted by someone but the process is so excruciating that I almost can't let it even begin.
At the moment I have a man who is keen - attractive and on paper everything is great but before we have even got started I find myself retreating, finding reasons why it wouldn't work, being totally unable to imagine ever being close to him etc. I don't even know this guy but I feel alarm bells ringing for not reason at all.
Once the relationship has developed (usually years!) I feel fairly secure but the early days of "dating" are painful beyond measure - my speed is just too slow or most people and therefore I end up with avoidants because they have a similar lack of momentum which makes me feel safe.
I have just retreated from a social event where I felt my latest potential boyfriend pursuing me so I left. Honestly, this is crazy!!!!
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Post by tnr9 on May 22, 2018 22:25:30 GMT
You are so very brave and let me say this...I really, really admire your courage for owning your fear. It may be different then mine..but it is so valid and it is real to you...so let me say again kudos!! Whether anything comes of this or not, you are amongst understanding and supportive people here. Be who you are...if a snails crawl pace is what works for you...then someone who really cares about getting to know you will understand and honor that. I have always been grateful for the support you have shown towards me, so if there is anything I can do to translate AP speak....let me know. 😀
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Post by ocarina on May 24, 2018 20:34:03 GMT
You are so very brave and let me say this...I really, really admire your courage for owning your fear. It may be different then mine..but it is so valid and it is real to you...so let me say again kudos!! Whether anything comes of this or not, you are amongst understanding and supportive people here. Be who you are...if a snails crawl pace is what works for you...then someone who really cares about getting to know you will understand and honor that. I have always been grateful for the support you have shown towards me, so if there is anything I can do to translate AP speak....let me know. 😀 Thank you tnr9 - it's a step forward that I can even recognise my bizarre reaction! Poor guy...... I almost feel that I want to protect these men from my strangeness. I wonder if one day I will come across someone willing to be vulnerable, intimate and real whilst allowing me the same and giving me the time and gentle handling that I need to trust - without pressuring or without the avoidant push/pull. Funnily enough I don't really do the push pull dynamic, although too much too soon is a really massive turnoff and often leads to a permanent exit from me. Here's hoping anyway! |
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Post by tnr9 on May 24, 2018 22:41:03 GMT
You are so very brave and let me say this...I really, really admire your courage for owning your fear. It may be different then mine..but it is so valid and it is real to you...so let me say again kudos!! Whether anything comes of this or not, you are amongst understanding and supportive people here. Be who you are...if a snails crawl pace is what works for you...then someone who really cares about getting to know you will understand and honor that. I have always been grateful for the support you have shown towards me, so if there is anything I can do to translate AP speak....let me know. 😀 Thank you tnr9 - it's a step forward that I can even recognise my bizarre reaction! Poor guy...... I almost feel that I want to protect these men from my strangeness. I wonder if one day I will come across someone willing to be vulnerable, intimate and real whilst allowing me the same and giving me the time and gentle handling that I need to trust - without pressuring or without the avoidant push/pull. Funnily enough I don't really do the push pull dynamic, although too much too soon is a really massive turnoff and often leads to a permanent exit from me. Here's hoping anyway! I think there are people who are willing to accept us...and it is often we who do not accept ourselves for the strange beauty that our attachment style offers. I used to feel very much alone, like I was this rare unicorn of APness....that the activities I do to relieve my fears were somehow unique to me....but I am learning that I am not alone...which gives me strength to share and be vunerable on these boards. I really do admire you for your vulnerability and thank you so much for sharing your truth. 😀 |
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Post by mrob on May 24, 2018 23:37:58 GMT
Poor guy...... I almost feel that I want to protect these men from my strangeness.
Exactly how I felt last time around.
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