Post by Gay anxious on Nov 13, 2016 1:39:30 GMT
As I have posted elsewhere I recently was left by my avoidant ex boyfriend of ten years. I learned about attachment theory about 2 weeks later. Since then I have read a lot of stories about anxious avoidant relationships and the strife they can be. Often times the avoidant is highly blamed and the sorrow of the anxious.
It has been immensely helpful to have this knowledge as I look back on my relationship. Taking responsibility for my one actions and decisions, realizing what was either reasonable or at least 'predetermined' by my attachment style, by which I do not mean to absolve myself of responsibility but to have some simpathy for myself understanding that my actions were motivated by needs and thoughts I wasn't consciously aware of and why it was so difficult to stop behaving the way I was. But also I have realized things I had blamed myself for were not at all my fault.
But I would like to learn more and be more honest with myself. I would like to hear from the avoidants of this forum what your experience in the anxious avoidant trap was like and how you felt when your anxious partner acted out and behaved hurtfully. Your perspective really.
I did find one thing that was eye opening, entitled 'open letter from an avoidant', unfortunately this is paraphrased.
'I hear your sighs, your slighted attempts to get me to pay attention to you. And in my guilt and exhaustion I comply. In consoling you I lose a partner I gain a child. And with no one in you to meet me, I am again alone. I could hold you for hours, and nothing changes. Part of me longs to be taken care of too.'
I have cried so much over this, knowing that something similar is how I made the love of my life feel for so many years.
It has been immensely helpful to have this knowledge as I look back on my relationship. Taking responsibility for my one actions and decisions, realizing what was either reasonable or at least 'predetermined' by my attachment style, by which I do not mean to absolve myself of responsibility but to have some simpathy for myself understanding that my actions were motivated by needs and thoughts I wasn't consciously aware of and why it was so difficult to stop behaving the way I was. But also I have realized things I had blamed myself for were not at all my fault.
But I would like to learn more and be more honest with myself. I would like to hear from the avoidants of this forum what your experience in the anxious avoidant trap was like and how you felt when your anxious partner acted out and behaved hurtfully. Your perspective really.
I did find one thing that was eye opening, entitled 'open letter from an avoidant', unfortunately this is paraphrased.
'I hear your sighs, your slighted attempts to get me to pay attention to you. And in my guilt and exhaustion I comply. In consoling you I lose a partner I gain a child. And with no one in you to meet me, I am again alone. I could hold you for hours, and nothing changes. Part of me longs to be taken care of too.'
I have cried so much over this, knowing that something similar is how I made the love of my life feel for so many years.
