clare
New Member
Posts: 6 
|
Post by clare on Nov 15, 2016 18:04:41 GMT
Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I discovered this forum today and have found past posts very helpful.
I have been feeling 'destabilised' and quite upset following a recent short relationship, and trying to find answers.
I am 47, single mother. I was adopted and grew up in a difficult family - potentially narcissitic mother, distant father, adopted sister with major issues. I was relatively normal, did well at school and have a successful career. I married young and during my 10-year marriage I can see in hindsight that I was an avoidant. Since then, I have had some normal relationships, but my last serious one was with someone who turned out to be a very abusive narcissist. I have done loads of therapy in the years since and feel that I am pretty much ok, secure, healed etc. Until this happened:
Out of the blue, someone who I had worked with previously (he was my boss) and had been attracted to (nothing had ever happened between us) contacted me, 3 years after having left the company I work for. I didn't even know he had my phone number. He asked me out for dinner. I was over the moon, couldn't believe it. Went out for dinner and had a brilliant time, we really connected. He's 50, has a vineyard in another country, a business here, very successful man, but also very unavailable time-wise (red flag). Second red flag: 50 and never been married, no children and no long-term relationships that I know of.
He obviously had issues about his status and would constantly talk about 'not having met the right person', 'my friends wives think I'm a commitment phobe but I'm not etc etc' Was always saying how he wanted to be settled down, married etc. We started dating and everything was fantastic. We got along well, everything was fine in the bedroom dept, although I sensed the intimacy didn't come naturally to him, he was cuddly to a certain extent but not massively. I put it down to him just being 'English'. He was good at keeping in contact but I definitely did more of the initiating than he did. His schedule was very very busy (didn't see that as a red flag at the time but see it now) but he always managed to see me at least once a week.
Anyway, about 2-3 months in, he asked me if I wanted to go to on holiday with him (where he has a second home), with my daughter. With anyone else, I would have thought too much too soon, especially with my daughter, but as he was someone I'd known 10 years I thought it would be ok. By this time though I had started feeling anxious in the relationship and couldn't figure out why. Anyway, to make a long story short, the day he asked me to go on holiday was the last day I saw him. We were in contact after that but he never mentioned it again, and when I brought it up he said the house had filled up with other guests. I said I was confused and he became a bit nasty, saying that I needed to be quicker as the house filled up quickly because a lot of people wanted to go an stay there (very out of character for him to be so arrogant). He then apologised and said come over next month.
Fast forward a few more weeks and I emailed him to see if he was back and he was but said he was very very busy. We planned to go out the following week but he couldn't find the time etc etc. In the end, I just said look if you don't want to see me that's fine, just say so. He came back and said that he was having serious business troubles in 2 countries (which I do know is true) and problems with his back (true also as the last time I saw him he could hardly move).... and that he just didn't have enough time for 'us' at the moment and didn't want to mess me around. I replied and said fine, I wish you'd just told me that sooner then I wouldn't have kept trying to see you and once you have more time, let's have lunch, we can just be friends, we have known each other a long time. He replied and apologised profusely for what had happened and said that although he was 'frantic' at the moment, we should meet for a drink 'sometime soon'.... I replied and said that would nice, I'll leave it to you. That was a month ago. Have not heard from him since.
Sorry for the ramble but I just don't know what to do. I believe he is an avoidant, but I also believe he really did like me and that it's true he's got too much on his plate at the moment. I also think he's embarrassed about what happened. The last time I saw him, I could really tell he was sort of falling for me, as I was for him. Then the holiday invitation then he bolted!
Not sure what to do. Leave it and hope to hear from him? Should I contact him if I don't hear from him? Or just move on.... None of it made much sense until I read on this forum! |
|
|
|
Post by Gay anxious on Nov 15, 2016 22:09:46 GMT
Sounds avoidant to me. Avoidants tend to be workaholics because work is an excuse that is very effective, how do you complain that someone has to work? Now not all workaholics are avoidants but at 50 if he really wants a relationship and has never had one he will make the time, otherwise it isn't a real priority. If he gets back to you give him a chance but I would discontinue pursuit. Are you sure you are avoidant? Everything I have read says avoidants rarely date each other, but perhaps your story is an example of why that is.
|
|
katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147
|
Post by katy on Nov 15, 2016 23:12:56 GMT
Clare,
Reading your post was interesting because you touched on many of the same elements that I experienced even though it was a different person, a different relationship, a different county, and a different business. I'm usually very secure and yet all of the elusive, "busy" warnings and erratic contacts began to make me extremely anxious. I admit that I was very naïve, not knowing anything about avoidants, and assumed for a long time that he was actually busy with his business. The sudden involvement of "other people" and the seeming shift from being a close friend to my being less important than whomever these other people were also happened to me.
I happened to find Jeb's site in the waning days when the avoidant was getting more and more elusive. The avoidant actually cheerfully admitted that he is an avoidant when I suggested that it might be a possibility. When I tried to walk away, then he then became my best friend until he nastily rejected me after I got annoyed when he was extremely high-handed about ignoring a project deadline that we had agreed to. He simply disappeared for two weeks. At the end of two weeks of total silence, I literally wondered if he was sick or dead. It never occurred to me that he would act like that but I didn't really know anything about avoidants back then.
My experience is that once an avoidant has made the emotional shift to deciding that you must be gone, it will never be the same again - it's like dealing with a totally different person.
It's very crazy, because most people think that I'm a very kind, understanding person but the avoidant now gives every indication that he has turned me in his mind from a good supportive friend into somebody he hates or even has to be afraid of. He refuses to, in any way, discuss how things could be made to work and he has basically thrown down the drain some amazing writing that we were working on that would have greatly helped his business.
To answer your question, my hard-won understanding is that the future will probably not be good with the person whom you were dealing with.
Best wishes,
Katy |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2016 15:39:22 GMT
Clare, I don't think there is enough information to say he is avoidant or not, but having no long term relationships by age 50 is definitely a flag of something. It sounds like you left it up to him to contact you and he didn't. There is some reason he doesn't want to make contact.
|
|
clare
New Member
Posts: 6
|
Post by clare on Nov 17, 2016 11:39:14 GMT
Thank you for your responses. I suppose I'm leaning toward thinking he's avoidant because of the lack of serious relationships, his general emotional unavailability, he used most of the known distancing techniques I've read about and then suddenly when things started getting more serious, he basically just went cold withdrew.
I've learned of a few past short-term relationships he's had (from friends of the women, not from him) and from what I gather in those, he just brutally dumped them by text one day, out of the blue (not a good sign). With me, he just kind of withdrew and when pushed, said he had so much going on he didn't have time for 'us'.
I know being a workaholic and someone who is used to being very successful, his ego is very much tied up in his businesses, both of which are doing very badly, not helped by his health problems. He is not the type to want or need support. I suppose I'm just clutching at straws, thinking that he's pushed me away for those reasons, and not because he just changed his mind about me. This is why I've thought of maybe reaching out to him, gently, with no pressure, because he might be a bit too embarrassed contact me after what happened - despite appearing like an alpha male on the exterior and socially, on a more personal/intimacy level he is quite insecure and lacking in self esteem (which really surprised me). Of course, it could just be because he just doesn't want to see me again, and I did after all leave it to him to contact me.
I was very upset about the whole thing but am much better now and have been just getting on with it. Maybe I'll give it a bit more time and send him a happy Christmas, how are you doing? message next month if I don't hear from him. Nothing to lose from that I suppose.
|
|
