|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2018 6:06:47 GMT
Often I think that the information that is out there on attachment styles leaves out so much about the personal experience of it. What are some things that you wish others would understand about you and/or FA in general. 🙂
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on May 26, 2018 9:32:01 GMT
**That I feel. It just looks to any secure or AP like I don’t.
**That it can look like DA, but it isn’t. People, understandably, feel dismissed by avoidant behaviour, but if they look harder, it’s often not that straight forward.
** That I didn’t choose this. I can be activated by a word, feel engulfed, but I do come back.
I want connection, but it scares the life out of me simoultaneously.
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on May 26, 2018 21:30:34 GMT
I feel like an outsider so much of the time - connection is so hard to find and when it happens, the fear of loss is very great. Often I will settle for just about OK in a relationship because it makes it emotionally easier.
I don't always love myself very much and therefore look to others to love me instead - then recoiling in fear of the loss of that love.
I act tough because I am not - but often can't admit this, even too myself.
I seem perfect but I want you to see beneath that - and be ok with it. Trying to change me or sympathise with my predicament doesn't work and feels like manipulation - I need a rock, someone who will be there for me solidly - and be there without losing themselves.
Thanks for asking.
|
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on May 28, 2018 16:11:03 GMT
How to practically show that we are there for the FA friends? Be consistent is too abstract...
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on May 28, 2018 21:02:24 GMT
How to practically show that we are there for the FA friends? Be consistent is too abstract... This is obviously very much a personal answer and I can't speak for any others with the same attachment style. Firstly be there for yourself - this sounds like a contradiction in terms, but it's really important - I just can't do "needy" friends or partners who rely on me for validation an who crumble when I cannot be there for them. I think to be honest this is true for any healthy relationship but perhaps more so for the FA who sees neediness as a kind of demand. Don't give up your life for anyone else. Secondly be available - be present without judgement. In a relationship where one partner is not being treated kindly or not having needs met it can be very difficult to not have an agenda and it's a slippery slope - I guess the real deal is that it's important to be able first to deal with your own baggage and emotional "stuff" so that you can really be there for someone else whilst keeping your own boundaries firm and stepping away from abuse etc So - being generously available in all senses - and without judgement. That would be great. |
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on May 29, 2018 7:12:32 GMT
How to practically show that we are there for the FA friends? Be consistent is too abstract... This is obviously very much a personal answer and I can't speak for any others with the same attachment style. Firstly be there for yourself - this sounds like a contradiction in terms, but it's really important - I just can't do "needy" friends or partners who rely on me for validation an who crumble when I cannot be there for them. I think to be honest this is true for any healthy relationship but perhaps more so for the FA who sees neediness as a kind of demand. Don't give up your life for anyone else. Secondly be available - be present without judgement. In a relationship where one partner is not being treated kindly or not having needs met it can be very difficult to not have an agenda and it's a slippery slope - I guess the real deal is that it's important to be able first to deal with your own baggage and emotional "stuff" so that you can really be there for someone else whilst keeping your own boundaries firm and stepping away from abuse etc So - being generously available in all senses - and without judgement. That would be great. |
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on May 29, 2018 7:14:33 GMT
This is obviously very much a personal answer and I can't speak for any others with the same attachment style. Firstly be there for yourself - this sounds like a contradiction in terms, but it's really important - I just can't do "needy" friends or partners who rely on me for validation an who crumble when I cannot be there for them. I think to be honest this is true for any healthy relationship but perhaps more so for the FA who sees neediness as a kind of demand. Don't give up your life for anyone else. Secondly be available - be present without judgement. In a relationship where one partner is not being treated kindly or not having needs met it can be very difficult to not have an agenda and it's a slippery slope - I guess the real deal is that it's important to be able first to deal with your own baggage and emotional "stuff" so that you can really be there for someone else whilst keeping your own boundaries firm and stepping away from abuse etc So - being generously available in all senses - and without judgement. That would be great. I think I’m being there for the person, but it’s the distance that makes me not sure how to “be there”... I post my situation out, but maybe the post is too long for a reply?haha... |
|
