Post by anne12 on May 27, 2018 8:25:21 GMT
The ambivalent / preocupied attachment and complaining:
With the ambivlent there will be regrets and perhaps shame (something is wrong with me) in the air.
A basic tone of being a victim and not being able to do something about it.
"I feel sorry for myself…"
It´s a burden for the ambivalent and for his relationships.
What happens when we complain?
It is generally energy-and mood-draining both for the ambivalent and for the one who listens.
At the same time it may be releaving, and clams down the one who complains.
As a safety valve that takes of the pressure of the feminine.
We all have both a feminine and a masculine side.
The feminine releave stress by talking and complaining.
If the partner thinks he / she must fix it, or even worse, the partner does not feel like listening to the complaints, then the feminine does not get rid of their tensions.
There is even more frustration => The pressure in the pressure cooker rises.
(like a watertank where there is to mush pressure in the tank)
And the need to complain is rising.
The complaints can be more loud!
And the stress level rises!
It may end with the ambivalent giving up on the partner, it the partner does not listen.
Then the ambivalent will shut down and ultimately say goodbye.
The worst thing is, that the reason why you complain can be something completely different from what is being said!
It is often unconscious for the one who complains!
Unfortunately, complaining drains the other. At least it creates resistance. Therefore, the price of complaining can easily be too high:
What happens to the one who listens?
One of 3 things:
They try protect themsleves and stop listening to you
They try to fix you / the problem for you and then stop listening to you
They start talking about the problem, as if they know it, and then stop listening to you
Therefore, you do not get the contact and what you basically need
What to do then?
Tell the other what you really want!
In short:
"I'll be happy if you ..."
When your cup floats over, ask yourself: "What do I basically need right now besides complaining?"
Do you need to be listened to - being hold - being told that you are super lovely, whatever others may have said and done to you, do you want take a trip, being left alone (for how long ?)?
Explain briefly and concretely:
"If I could get it exactly as I would like, I would like to ..."
When you tell the other about your needs, then he / she can decide, if it is something that he / she can and will give to you.
Most people would like to please others, especially their partner if they can.
But if you ask with an attitude, where you think the other is bound to give you this, then let it be.
Consider for a moment, if someone had the same attitude towards you, how would you react?
Remember, it's VERY demanding for the masculine to just listen to problems without having to solve them!
Therefore, limit "passive" listening to 10 and no more than 15 minutes a day.
The masculine must know that he / she is not going to have to fix something but "just" listen interested.
Mostly the listener can ask: "What do you need (from me)"
If you are in an emergency, major crisis. Then you can agree for longer time.
It's okay to complain, you if you do it within the agreed framework.
Go for the ball, and not the player!
Remember the point: What do you basically need?
Otherwise do not bother to complain!
Instead, find out if it's something you can do something about?
If yes - then do it
If no, let it slip
With the ambivlent there will be regrets and perhaps shame (something is wrong with me) in the air.
A basic tone of being a victim and not being able to do something about it.
"I feel sorry for myself…"
It´s a burden for the ambivalent and for his relationships.
What happens when we complain?
It is generally energy-and mood-draining both for the ambivalent and for the one who listens.
At the same time it may be releaving, and clams down the one who complains.
As a safety valve that takes of the pressure of the feminine.
We all have both a feminine and a masculine side.
The feminine releave stress by talking and complaining.
If the partner thinks he / she must fix it, or even worse, the partner does not feel like listening to the complaints, then the feminine does not get rid of their tensions.
There is even more frustration => The pressure in the pressure cooker rises.
(like a watertank where there is to mush pressure in the tank)
And the need to complain is rising.
The complaints can be more loud!
And the stress level rises!
It may end with the ambivalent giving up on the partner, it the partner does not listen.
Then the ambivalent will shut down and ultimately say goodbye.
The worst thing is, that the reason why you complain can be something completely different from what is being said!
It is often unconscious for the one who complains!
Unfortunately, complaining drains the other. At least it creates resistance. Therefore, the price of complaining can easily be too high:
What happens to the one who listens?
One of 3 things:
They try protect themsleves and stop listening to you
They try to fix you / the problem for you and then stop listening to you
They start talking about the problem, as if they know it, and then stop listening to you
Therefore, you do not get the contact and what you basically need
What to do then?
Tell the other what you really want!
In short:
"I'll be happy if you ..."
When your cup floats over, ask yourself: "What do I basically need right now besides complaining?"
Do you need to be listened to - being hold - being told that you are super lovely, whatever others may have said and done to you, do you want take a trip, being left alone (for how long ?)?
Explain briefly and concretely:
"If I could get it exactly as I would like, I would like to ..."
When you tell the other about your needs, then he / she can decide, if it is something that he / she can and will give to you.
Most people would like to please others, especially their partner if they can.
But if you ask with an attitude, where you think the other is bound to give you this, then let it be.
Consider for a moment, if someone had the same attitude towards you, how would you react?
Remember, it's VERY demanding for the masculine to just listen to problems without having to solve them!
Therefore, limit "passive" listening to 10 and no more than 15 minutes a day.
The masculine must know that he / she is not going to have to fix something but "just" listen interested.
Mostly the listener can ask: "What do you need (from me)"
If you are in an emergency, major crisis. Then you can agree for longer time.
It's okay to complain, you if you do it within the agreed framework.
Go for the ball, and not the player!
Remember the point: What do you basically need?
Otherwise do not bother to complain!
Instead, find out if it's something you can do something about?
If yes - then do it
If no, let it slip