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Post by mistakes on May 31, 2018 9:02:33 GMT
Oh, I just cried a bit an realised, the reason why I act a bit obsessed, comes from my disappointment at myself or this that happens to this world: good intention is never good enough.
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 9:20:05 GMT
Let's stop making this about him for a minute. There are so many men who would absolutely love a girl who is willing to initiate things and never give up on them....and the cool thing is that they would respond, they would show gratitude and you would not have to visit a message board like this one and ask the same question in 6 different ways. While your heart is admirable...I question why you feel so very strongly about questioning every comment and suggestion that you back off..that you actually leave the door open but stop holding it...he has decided to not walk through for whatever reason. Sometimes..you have to give someone a reason to miss you...you are not doing that if you are the one initiating. Tnr9, really appreciate you are still being there for me, after I asked in 6 different ways already 🙈🙈 It’s a family that I grew up with, seeing them in so much loneliness yet can’t break through, but I’m lucky enough to have friends that didn’t give up on me, have all the resources that got me where I am now, during the one month NC, it’s the worst feeling to give up on gentle people that are overwhelmed by guilt and negativities. If only he would tell me that, reaching out to him is annoying that’s why he is not responding. But knowing that he just doesn’t want to hurt me further, from what he said the 3 times when he broke up with me, I’m really confused about what to do now, because it just seems like a two extreme choice: 1. let him know that he could always text me. But that sounds like breaking my promises to him, and reenforcung him to believe that he is not worthy to be loved. By having this thought in me, I feels worst than tasting bread crumbs. 2. After sinking in the suggestions from you all, I stress of keep texting him once a week regardless of his respond, I’ll leave more space in between texting to him? Since I used to invited him to my place when we were friends, I’m hoping that I don’t invite him anymore, yet I’ll reach out to him, he might get enough distance but know that I’ll always be there for him? He isn't your family and I understand how grateful you were towards the people who stuck by you..but perhaps you are trying to think on his behalf from your own lens/view/bias on things and not really looking objectively at the situation. I actually think number 1 is healthier and I will tell you why. Number 1 admits that you don't have the power to make this man happy or sad..that you are an autonomous person and so is he..it frees you to move forward to focus on your life while leaving the door open to him. If he wants to contact you, he will. Number 1 is not abandoning him...you are projecting that onto the situation. Telling him that you are there should he need you does not break your promise..it does however give him space to reach out should he chose to. Number 2 keeps you focused on him and making sure you don't overwhelm or lose him..while also trying to manage your feelings from not hearing back from him and there is no guarantee things will change with number 2...you are just hoping they will. what if nothing changes? How many angles are you going to try? Because in the end, you can make all the changes recommended on this board and he still may not respond...because we are not just our attachment style....attachment style speaks to how we may act in relationship to others...but there are other components such as other conditions and life experiences that play a role. I do think you are onto something about your family and how you are so committed to this guy...something is triggered in you..and it is more about you then him. I think it may be useful to speak to someone professionally about it. I sense you took on a savior/heroine type of complex based on feeling like you could not penetrate their wounding..which, by the way, was not your responsibility. It would be a good thing to find assistance with separating their grief/loneliness/regrets from your actions. It might actually provide you with some needed objectivity into the situation with this guy. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 9:27:41 GMT
Oh, I just cried a bit an realised, the reason why I act a bit obsessed, comes from my disappointment at myself or this that happens to this world: good intention is never good enough. Good intention is fine..but the receiver has to receive and accept the good intention and that is what is broken here. Again...I think speaking to someone professionally will help. Remember...it takes 2 people to make a relationship work...if he isn't pulling his weight..that is not a statement about your intention...that is all about him and his own issues. Don't confuse the two. |
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Post by mistakes on May 31, 2018 10:22:54 GMT
Oh, I just cried a bit an realised, the reason why I act a bit obsessed, comes from my disappointment at myself or this that happens to this world: good intention is never good enough. Good intention is fine..but the receiver has to receive and accept the good intention and that is what is broken here. Again...I think speaking to someone professionally will help. Remember...it takes 2 people to make a relationship work...if he isn't pulling his weight..that is not a statement about your intention...that is all about him and his own issues. Don't confuse the two. Thank you for this insight, I’ll let it sink deeper before I respond. I guess the reason why I didn’t trust the professionals, which I have been seeing one, is that they emphasis too much on my happiness, making the other person sounded too “hardful or abusive”, which make me even more defensive. But by you explaining about the respect of autonomy, is a very fresh view, so thank you for that 😊 |
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Post by mistakes on May 31, 2018 11:37:54 GMT
After some reflection, autonomy for me, means having enough information etc, so that I could decide for myself.
I understand that no one can speak for others, not even FA can speak for another FA. But looking from the outside, it does seems that there are similarities. That’s why I’m trying hard to find information here.
For example, the thin line between being ther vs pursuing, instead of telling the the judge, I would rather learn how to tell the difference myself.
I’ve read enough to decern that I’m not triggered, for I’m not reacting out of anxiety. I have learn to observe my family and not to interfere with their business before they ask for help, so I’ve worked through the saviour complex too.
As for the friend that I care about, when people say that I’m just projecting my own fear on him, it’s not the first time I hear that suggestion, but each time after i ask myself, I remember he said that people don’t text him nor call him and he was sad about that. Even though now I understand why...
Information like “he wanted soulmate was only true at that moment” helps. Him not responding much = I better stay away is confusing with other information that, FA does not reciprocate in long term relationships.
Hope I’m making sense...
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 11:49:35 GMT
After some reflection, autonomy for me, means having enough information etc, so that I could decide for myself. I understand that no one can speak for others, not even FA can speak for another FA. But looking from the outside, it does seems that there are similarities. That’s why I’m trying hard to find information here. For example, the thin line between being ther vs pursuing, instead of telling the the judge, I would rather learn how to tell the difference myself. I’ve read enough to decern that I’m not triggered, for I’m not reacting out of anxiety. I have learn to observe my family and not to interfere with their business before they ask for help, so I’ve worked through the saviour complex too. As for the friend that I care about, when people say that I’m just projecting my own fear on him, it’s not the first time I hear that suggestion, but each time after i ask myself, I remember he said that people don’t text him nor call him and he was sad about that. Even though now I understand why... Information like “he wanted soulmate was only true at that moment” helps. Him not responding much = I better stay away is confusing with other information that, FA does not reciprocate in long term relationships. Hope I’m making sense... I think you are misunderstanding the point...the point is not for you to "stay away" the point is for you to "back off"...which is completely different. Backing off means you aren't so focused on him, you aren't seeking him out...you are there for him, but in a less "all about him" way. But I get the sense you don't want to hear suggestions that would ask you to "back off" for a while because you are going to counter with some random comment that he said to you that you are now clinging to as your reason to keep things going. Fair enough...but do consider that even with all your new information, he still may not reply. Heck, he may not even view this as a long term relationship..like it appears you do. It's your life. |
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Post by mistakes on May 31, 2018 11:54:36 GMT
FYI, after years of better relating to my mom, she changed a lot as a surprise. I’m very well aware that doesn’t mean others would “change” too
I’m just hoping to search for ways to better relating to people that are different. There are too many negative image out there, it’s rare to find some helpful key words, like be consistent and don’t go. Yet i guess it’s not clear enough in different situations.
I’m not trying to change the person, or pulling the friend closer than he wanted to. I’m trying hard to build a data base on how to relate in more respectful ways, for in sure it’s not going to be my last time to encounter FAs or even DAs. If there are 1/2 majorities that relate to people insecurely, that why people are doing researched into order for better relationships between differences.
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Post by mistakes on May 31, 2018 12:00:51 GMT
After some reflection, autonomy for me, means having enough information etc, so that I could decide for myself. I understand that no one can speak for others, not even FA can speak for another FA. But looking from the outside, it does seems that there are similarities. That’s why I’m trying hard to find information here. For example, the thin line between being ther vs pursuing, instead of telling the the judge, I would rather learn how to tell the difference myself. I’ve read enough to decern that I’m not triggered, for I’m not reacting out of anxiety. I have learn to observe my family and not to interfere with their business before they ask for help, so I’ve worked through the saviour complex too. As for the friend that I care about, when people say that I’m just projecting my own fear on him, it’s not the first time I hear that suggestion, but each time after i ask myself, I remember he said that people don’t text him nor call him and he was sad about that. Even though now I understand why... Information like “he wanted soulmate was only true at that moment” helps. Him not responding much = I better stay away is confusing with other information that, FA does not reciprocate in long term relationships. Hope I’m making sense... I think you are misunderstanding the point...the point is not for you to "stay away" the point is for you to "back off"...which is completely different. Backing off means you aren't so focused on him, you aren't seeking him out...you are there for him, but in a less "all about him" way. But I get the sense you don't want to hear suggestions that would ask you to "back off" for a while because you are going to counter with some random comment that he said to you that you are now clinging to as your reason to keep things going. Fair enough...but do consider that even with all your new information, he still may not reply. Heck, he may not even view this as a long term relationship..like it appears you do. It's your life. Back off for a while vs stay away, in terms of my action, does it stays the same? By the way, I’d already said that “since you are not responding, I’ll take it as I’m too close, so even I’m off tonight m, I will not invite to meet you for the gifts from travel ” so, I do take suggestions from you, or else why am I still here? 😜 Back off for a while is... say after a few months without him reaching out, backing off = leave it like that? Or could just text him a light greeting? After knowing what backing off means, I won’t have to keep wondering |
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 12:02:46 GMT
But if you look at what is defined as a secure person...they offer those things. That is why they are secure. So perhaps it would be beneficial in reading up on the traits of a secure person because the best match for all insecure types is someone who is secure.
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 12:12:18 GMT
I think you are misunderstanding the point...the point is not for you to "stay away" the point is for you to "back off"...which is completely different. Backing off means you aren't so focused on him, you aren't seeking him out...you are there for him, but in a less "all about him" way. But I get the sense you don't want to hear suggestions that would ask you to "back off" for a while because you are going to counter with some random comment that he said to you that you are now clinging to as your reason to keep things going. Fair enough...but do consider that even with all your new information, he still may not reply. Heck, he may not even view this as a long term relationship..like it appears you do. It's your life. Back off for a while vs stay away, in terms of my action, does it stays the same? By the way, I’d already said that “since you are not responding, I’ll take it as I’m too close, so even I’m off tonight m, I will not invite to meet you for the gifts from travel ” so, I do take suggestions from you, or else why am I still here? 😜 Back off for a while is... say after a few months without him reaching out, backing off = leave it like that? Or could just text him a light greeting? After knowing what backing off means, I won’t have to keep wondering That is not what I was suggesting and if I were him..I would likely be confused. Here is what I would have said...."Hey there, just a quick reminder that I am here for you if you ever want to talk or hang out. Have a nice evening." If he did not think you were too close..your message now put that thought in his mind. Also, why would you even mention about the gift? What was the point of that? Doesn't he know about it already? Because to me that line reads as "bait"....like, hey, if you respond to me and are willing to meet up...I have something for you. Hold off on anymore discussion around the gift until he responds or contacts you. |
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Post by mistakes on May 31, 2018 12:35:46 GMT
Back off for a while vs stay away, in terms of my action, does it stays the same? By the way, I’d already said that “since you are not responding, I’ll take it as I’m too close, so even I’m off tonight m, I will not invite to meet you for the gifts from travel ” so, I do take suggestions from you, or else why am I still here? 😜 Back off for a while is... say after a few months without him reaching out, backing off = leave it like that? Or could just text him a light greeting? After knowing what backing off means, I won’t have to keep wondering That is not what I was suggesting and if I were him..I would likely be confused. Here is what I would have said...."Hey there, just a quick reminder that I am here for you if you ever want to talk or hang out. Have a nice evening." If he did not think you were too close..your message now put that thought in his mind. Also, why would you even mention about the gift? What was the point of that? Doesn't he know about it already? Because to me that line reads as "bait"....like, hey, if you respond to me and are willing to meet up...I have something for you. Hold off on anymore discussion around the gift until he responds or contacts you. Omg! See, that’s why suggestion on practical ways to act is important! I mentioned it was because before putting my questions on this forum, after he gave me an emoji, I told him that I would get him something to eat from my travel, and asked him if I should drop it off somewhere for him to pick up, or he would like to visit my pet. He didn’t respond to that, so I tried to “back off” Now, what do i do? OMG... |
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 12:56:05 GMT
Don't do anything....just let it be....act like it never happened...but as a consideration for next time....make your texts from your perspective and not speaking on his behalf and don't mention the gift until he contacts you. You can say things like "I believe in you" " I am here for you" " You matter to me"...these are true statements and speak to your care and concern for him.
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Post by mistakes on May 31, 2018 13:08:26 GMT
Don't do anything....just let it be....act like it never happened...but as a consideration for next time....make your texts from your perspective and not speaking on his behalf and don't mention the gift until he contacts you. You can say things like "I believe in you" " I am here for you" " You matter to me"...these are true statements and speak to your care and concern for him. Very clear, thank you! Simple statement just to show my support, without guessing his feelings, and back off for a while, say a month or so, if no respond. Right? ^^ |
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 14:00:17 GMT
Don't do anything....just let it be....act like it never happened...but as a consideration for next time....make your texts from your perspective and not speaking on his behalf and don't mention the gift until he contacts you. You can say things like "I believe in you" " I am here for you" " You matter to me"...these are true statements and speak to your care and concern for him. Very clear, thank you! Simple statement just to show my support, without guessing his feelings, and back off for a while, say a month or so, if no respond. Right? ^^ Yes..but the point is to focus on you and less on him....give him some breathing room to miss you. |
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Post by mistakes on May 31, 2018 14:17:23 GMT
Very clear, thank you! Simple statement just to show my support, without guessing his feelings, and back off for a while, say a month or so, if no respond. Right? ^^ Yes..but the point is to focus on you and less on him....give him some breathing room to miss you. I never though I could still tell him straight that he matters, if I still feel that way after a month^^ Now that is clear, the world seems a more friendly place than when i first learn about attachment theories... just like dogs, cats, rabbits etc. They all have different ways to relate with others, different sense of intimacy. ^^ I love rabbits by the way, they come and go, slowing becoming more approachable by years. And I’m happy doing my own things when my rabbit ignores me, Heehee |
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