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Post by DearLover on May 28, 2018 20:23:39 GMT
So today I went to this art gallery to watch this amazing exhibition and I thought about ex DA BF. We used to go to lots of exhibitions together and I imagined how fun t would be if we were on this one together.
There was also a quote from the artist saying something along the lines that at the end of the day, love is all we have, and if you love something, even if it changes or ends, which is inevitable, you do have to honour and appreciate it or a happy memory of it.
So when I was taking a break I just decided to send a message to him. I said that I just finished seen the exhibition and I thought about him. And that I thought something at the gift shop and wondered if he would love it and buy it (the way I wrote was a bit wobbly and I hope he didn't think I bought a gift for him!)
I closed saying I hope all is well and signed my name (in case he deleted my number)
So yes, I sent from a place of love there wasn't one drop of sadness or any other feeling attached to it and I am not expecting an answer or nothing back really. If he saw the exhibition thing I am sure he did or will, he will know what I am talking about.
Now I am thinking if I should clarify the gift thing just so he doesn't freak out thinking I bought him something but it was few hours ago, maybe I will just leave it...
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Post by DearLover on May 28, 2018 22:52:43 GMT
Wow
He replied
We exchanged a couple of messages so far
He said I left him devastated when I broke up with him
I explained what I was feeling and why
I apologised
I feel so much lighter
So grateful for the opportunity to clear things up
Grace happens
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Post by DearLover on May 29, 2018 19:32:18 GMT
We keep exchanging messages. He has apologised and I have too, now that I understand my behaviour so much better.
I’m glad I reached out. Finally I’m getting the closure I have been waiting for.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 30, 2018 2:48:39 GMT
Nice about grace.
A few months ago I had an experience like that after something like 18 years of no contact! We just happened to be at the same hotel in a totally random city (same conference even though our professional fields are very different).
It made me think a lot about how sometimes you think grace will never happen and the universe just provides it. I know in this case you also played a part by reaching out, but I'm glad he wrote you back in a real way.
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Post by DearLover on May 30, 2018 8:04:55 GMT
Yes.
He was more open then he had ever been before
I just took responsibility for my part. My inability to ask for what I wanted and needed because of the feelings of not being worthy and good enough. The manipulation in trying to get him to do what I wanted him to do instead of just communicating my true feelings. Of course I didn’t understand this behaviour back then but I do now so I wanted to share this with him and apologised.
It was all about me, I didn’t point fingers or blamed him for anything.
I realised that when we don’t communicate with real vulnerability and openness we assume the worst from the other. He was assuming the worst from me. He didn’t know how much I was suffering all this time and I didn’t know he was devastated with the break up. I thought he wanted it and was relieved.
Glad to know all is clear and we will both have more awareness in our personal lives moving forward.
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Post by DearLover on Jun 8, 2018 20:10:14 GMT
Well he suggested we catch up. I think it does show some degree of vulnerability as I could easily reject. But i can tell by the tone of his messages that he hasn't reflected much about the way he behaved in the relationship and even if he did it isn't showing so I don't feel safe or even inclined to meet him right now. I opened my heart and was 100% vulnerable, apologised for my shortcomings and showed my growth. But as always he changed subjects or plainly ignored what I was bringing to the table, tried to distract me with shallow flirtation not really engaging with what I was expressing. It was as if I was texting the wall. His replies didn't match my messages at all.
It feels so good to have effortless self respect for once.
I am not under the spell.
Still willing to meet but only after he shows willingness to be open and vulnerable as I was. If he can't do it, then it is fine. I respect him for who he is and for letting me having the closure I needed.
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Post by DearLover on Jun 24, 2018 12:48:50 GMT
Well we never managed to catch up but the messages got more frequent and deep, even emotional from my part. He asking for explanations on my behaviour - looking for reassurance and I gave everything I got. I heard a few nice things from him but nothing nowhere near the level of awareness I brought to the table. He never explained his behaviour at all. He never recognised (to me at least) how he contributed in sabotaging the relationship.
I got emotionally involved again. God help me I even got hopeful. I thought if nothing else we could at least be friends.
But now that his cup is full and I openly admitted to all of my wounds behind my behaviour, in such a nice way that I never accused or shifted blame on him, he is silent again. This would be completely fine if he hadn't promises coming back to the chat: same old shitty excuse at the end of his last text, one of the nicest:
"more in a bit. under pressure at the moment"
This was 3 days ago and now is the end of the weekend so I don't think there is much pressure going on...
The same old push and pull techniques, throw me a bread crumb, see if I remain there waiting for more.
Well, no, I won't. I got my closure now. There was never love from his side. I am not ashamed to have loved and I don't regret. Made me better and stronger. I know what I want now. I deserve to be loved back and I am going to find it.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 24, 2018 16:09:46 GMT
Dear lover..you sound really strong and settled..that is a great place to be...keep moving forward...I bet you will get the love back you deserve with that attitude.😀
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Post by DearLover on Jun 24, 2018 17:22:16 GMT
Thank you trn9
It is funny I sound strong and settled but I feel the opposite way. Even got sick this weekend which never happens. I believe that sickness are always coming from the emotional first, at least with me.
But I have no choice, got to carry on. It is a bless to know about the attachment theory and our own issues and just keeping working on it. I am sure my next relationship will be better because of all the suffering I have been going through lately.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 24, 2018 17:43:58 GMT
Thank you trn9 It is funny I sound strong and settled but I feel the opposite way. Even got sick this weekend which never happens. I believe that sickness are always coming from the emotional first, at least with me. But I have no choice, got to carry on. It is a bless to know about the attachment theory and our own issues and just keeping working on it. I am sure my next relationship will be better because of all the suffering I have been going through lately. Yes..but you are making decisions that will move you forward. I think far too often, we see our attachment as a form of a curse...I am starting to realize that I can actually use those moments to get in touch with some incredibly wounded parts with faulty biases. I may never end up with a partner..who knows...but I am excited to finally have a better relationship with myself. Keep pressing forward DearLover...I really appreciate your posts and honesty.💕 |
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Post by DearLover on Jun 24, 2018 18:02:51 GMT
Thank you so much! It means a lot to me! I need all the support I can gather. I feel so safe here! Thank you.
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Post by mistakes on Jun 25, 2018 5:09:03 GMT
Wishing you well^^
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Post by DearLover on Jun 25, 2018 20:36:21 GMT
thank you mistakes. I woke up this morning feeling brand new as though everything was a very distant dream that you don't really remember the details. Yay! |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 6, 2018 11:20:21 GMT
Yes..but you are making decisions that will move you forward. I think far too often, we see our attachment as a form of a curse...I am starting to realize that I can actually use those moments to get in touch with some incredibly wounded parts with faulty biases. I may never end up with a partner..who knows...but I am excited to finally have a better relationship with myself. Keep pressing forward DearLover...I really appreciate your posts and honesty.💕 . Hello just joined today. Please can I ask how your doing now. I feel like my heart has been ripped out, I'm trying to make sense of the last six months of the treatment of man who apparently loved me 😥. Welcome helsbells....I am not sure if that question was directed at me or at DearLover. I am in a much better place then when the break up was fresh....and that is due to a few important facors: therapy, time, self love. I remember when I first came here and I felt like my world had just ended and I had so many questions. I thought that attachment theory could help me understand B and what went wrong...and it did help me, but not so much with B, it really helped me to understand myself. I want to invite you to share your story...getting it "out" was important because I was reeling with a ton of feelings and needed some feedback against all the panic, sadness and confusion I was experiencing. If you don't feel comfortable sharing it here....you can message me privately. Therapy was absolutely critical...i had so many moments of being so "stuck" in thought loops (I still get stuck...but am getting better at riding those out) that were negative towards myself and having someone to 1. Acknowledge my feelings and then 2. Help guide my thoughts in a positive direction through "options" was so very helpful for me. Hang in there. I am sending hugs to you. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 6, 2018 14:47:56 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this....disconnection is the worst feeling ever....I completely understand. As to the text message....I am certain you do not look insane...you look like a person who is struggling through a breakup and dealing with it the best way you know how. If there was one piece of advice I could give..it would be to remove the negative self talk and labeling and look for very small ways that you can regain your power....even if it is just "for this moment I was able to focus on me and not my pain or him"...that is a victory. It is in those small moments that you gain yourself back. If you "relapse", if you spend the whole rest of the day spiraling in on him....then just start over....but start "small" and look for "victories".
I have more to add but I have to go back to work...so will continue this in a bit. 🙂 Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story.
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