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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2018 21:35:10 GMT
Welcome to the forums...honestly, I think the issue really stems from your lack of self confidence...not so much the things that you asked him to do. Without self confidence, a partner is going to sense that you are looking to them to make you feel "ok" rather then simply being able to be an equal. An example is when you were obviously concerned about him driving so soon after drinking. That is a legitimate request...and even he admitted that had you asked calmly, he would have been more receptive to it. Instead of focusing on him and trying to see whether he would be willing to try again...I want to invite you to really grow to love yourself...not in a prideful way...but believe and accept that you are valuable and that you matter....that you have a right to have opinions and needs. When you are strong and confident, people are attracted to you because you believe in yourself. There are a ton of good resources out there on gaining confidence. The second thing that I invite you to do is to provide for yourself the validation you seek from others....be kind to yourself, tell yourself it will be ok, do breathing exercises etc etc. Again...this is not about getting him back...this is about loving yourself.🙂
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Post by mindful on May 29, 2018 23:55:30 GMT
tnr9, thank you for your insight. You're absolutely right. I'm glad you told me because the idea of it being my confidence and self-esteem had been in the back of my mind, but now I know I should definitely focus on that. Most of my anxiety/worry definitely comes from the internalization of being flawed and not being worth being listened to or taken seriously.
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Post by mindful on Jun 2, 2018 12:06:04 GMT
Some more thoughts. I've never been in a healthy relationship, even in childhood, so if anyone could tell me what's secure behavior and what's not, that would incredibly help.
The part that kept me anxious was how defensive he got about the request - that request was the catalyst for all the problems - and he had turned the request into an issue about himself without trying to understand how I felt. He had been so adamant about focusing on asserting his needs - to not change his behavior to accommodate a fear - that I didn't feel heard or understood, and felt more flawed for having a difference in values that he didn't try to understand.
Even after he learned I didn't think he was a bad person, had not intended
to imply that he absolutely had to do those things, I didn't even want him to do those things anymore, and that I had only been scared and was asking for help to figure it out (albiet in an unproductive way) - I still felt unheard because he'd say when I brought it up, "but I did start doing those things" while looking pained. While I appreciated it, that wasn't the point.
I would've felt reassured if he had ever acknowledged at one point,"I can understand that with your past experiences and temperament that this behavior scares you. I'm not comfortable adjusting this much, but would like to understand more how you feel and see how we can work on this together." Instead it was about how I should go to therapy to address this fear because I had been freaking out too much (I had already explained that I was freaking out because I was scared to make the request in the first place).
I didn't feel like he accepted me for who I am and wanted me to change, and when I told him that just how I said here, he got hurt and defensive. He protested that he did. Then he immediately turned it into himself again, saying that I was making accusations that hurt him. I apologized for the accusation, after taking time to understand why he would feel hurt, but he never did that for me. Maybe he wasn't capable of understanding that I can "feel" a certain way without him intentionality doing it on purpose?
Would someone secure not be hurt by that and taken the time to understand why? Or if they would've, how could I have addressed it differently?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 2, 2018 12:27:07 GMT
As it turns out..there is a secure section to these boards. Anne12 often posts really good stuff there...this may help jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1036/spotting-secure-partnerI am not secure...but I think that there is a fundamental communication issue that you and he had that made it really hard for either of you to get your needs met. It reads as if you both had expectations of each other and really resented each other for not seeing your effort and not giving you what you need. I think the path forward is not to revisit past conversations..but to get really clear about the kind of relationship/partner you want and then being open to someone who can provide that to you. |
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